October 7, 2010-Writing Blues...

I knew the day would come before the year was over, but I have not had any time to write today and even worse, I have writer’s block on what to write about! To be completely honest, I am writing this a day late and trying desperately to catch up before I get too far behind to continue.  The funny thing is that because I wasn’t able to start and/or end my day writing I feel very discombobulated. To clarify my writing process, sometimes I write up my blog at night before bed, and other times, I give my brain time to rest and write up my thoughts about the day before first thing the next morning and post them immediately (that’s also the advantage of being a day ahead here-it’s like I have an extra day to reflect on yesterday before my post will belie my lateness. :)  Last night and this morning, I did neither, so now I have two days worth to write and still no choice topic comes to mind.  The problem with this is that the day after not writing at either my usual evening or morning times, I can tell my emotions and glass half full attitude have been affected.  Because I was not able to write out my frustrations and come around to the positive side of the day by the end of my post, I have struggled to move forward in confidence and strength for the day ahead.  For me, it’s the writing blues...

October 6, 2010-Little Things Make Big Differences...

     Isn't it always the littlest things that make the biggest differences in our lives?  It's the warm greeting your child gets in the morning when they are dropped off at day care that makes them grin from ear to ear and go running from mommy to their teacher without a hesitation, and that little thing makes mommy's day start off easier because there's no tears or separation anxiety, and you can head to work or back home relaxed. It's that warm cup of steaming coffee when you are still feeling groggy from a not quite long enough night's rest that wakes you up and gets you going and makes your tummy feel comforted. I've said it before in this blog, and I'll say it again, but those little things like taking the time to hug a friend and let them cry on your shoulder can change a person's day.  Sending a quick e-mail or making a short phone call to let a colleague or co-worker know they are appreciated for all they do at work brightens both your day and theirs.  I can't preach positive thinking and finding the silver lining in every dark cloud enough. It's made my life so much easier.
     Living on a tiny island in the middle of the ocean can be isolating, and often gives us too much time to think, to ponder over all the little inadequacies of the world, the people in it, and every detail of our lives and jobs.  It's one of the disadvantages of living here, mainly that we tend to focus too much on what is not working right in our lives and on the island instead of what is working well and what the advantages of being here are.  We live next to the most breathtaking part of the world's oceans that I have ever seen. We have warm, tropical weather year round to enjoy inside and out. Most of us live tax free here, and those who don't still live rent and mortgage free, car costs free, and generally free from the multiple bills and budget constraits those living in the "real world" experience daily, montly, and year after year.  We have unique island style celebrations and the chance to travel with our airline tickets paid for to almost anywhere in the world for at least 4 weeks a year.  We have more than so many of our friends and family members in the states right now.  Life could be so much worse, and by focusing on those little negatives about your life on the atoll and letting them build and build inside you until you are hot with anger and frustration only makes everything that much harder.  My goal today and every day, really, especially through this blog, is to seek out and find the positive in every experience and if I can't find one, then I'll make one! Today was a hectic, stressful day, but it ended by having a glass a wine with a dear friend of mine and watching one of my favorite movies that just happened to be on when I arrived home, and so I made sure I ended on a positive note by focusing some time on nurturing a friendship and escaping into the movies for a bit, so I could sleep peacefully and wake up refreshed, renewed, and ready to start again.

October 5, 2010-Taking the Time to Play

     Spending a large portion of my day today in the classrooms here at the preschool and before and after school programs on island, I am reminded of why I love my job so much.  I decided to write a little about this because as I was headed home today, a friend stopped on her way around the island with a new hire in a golf cart and introduced me as a teacher on island. Then she said she didn't know how I spent all day with kids.  For me, it's a no brainer because I like to play pretend and imagine and dream just as much as they do.  I love to watch them learn new things about the world and their excitement about the littlest accomplishments.  Children appreciate everything in a way we as adults have gradually become accustomed to and now take for granted.  Most mornings when I visit the before school program, I am bombarded with little girls wanting to show me the pictures they have drawn for their friends or boys showing me what they have made with the Knex building system.  As parents, it's easy to become complacent about these small accomplishments our kids achieve, but if we take a minute to stop and talk to them about it, we'll find out how much they are learning and how creative they really are.  So, with the kids in the program, I don't just stop at, "Wow, that's a beautiful drawing or I really like your ship you've created with the K'nex."  I delve deeper. "Tell me who the picture is for and what you have drawn or what kind of ship is it and what can it do?" The greatest thing about asking these questions is the broad smiles of excitement you receive from the children because you are showing interest in their world, and usually, they can't wait to tell you all about it. 
     Later this morning, I spent some time in the preschool classroom where some of my favorite little friends attend.  It's that "they're so cute you just want to pinch them age group." Anyway, out on the playground, one of the little boys asked if I wanted to play with him, and I said "sure."  So, we went to the water table with some toy boats and began motoring around the "ocean," docking, and dropping off boxes and picking up passengers.  After a few minutes of this, I asked my friend where we should go next, and you know what he told me? He said we were going to Machu Picchu! I was amazed he had even heard of that famous "Old Mountain" which is part of a Pre-Columbian Inca site located in Peru, South America.  Of course he didn't know where it was exactly, but it was fun to "travel" there with him on boats in our very small water table world.  Another group of kids was building an "Ant Trap" with outdoor blocks on the playground.  When I asked them how the ants would get in there, they said they would put them in, and then they wouldn't be able to get out. When the rain showers began, 4 kids ran into the small house for shelter. I asked if I could come in and join them and queried them about who they were and what they were doing.  Amazingly, there was a mom, dad, daughter, and a grandmother in the house all working very nicely together cleaning and cooking and chatting away. 
     All of this "play time" is learning time for them, and it's fun to be in that intial learning and exploring the world with them stage.  It gives me a renewed perspective and appreciation for life.  When one of the boys pushed over the block tower, and another boy pushed him out of anger from the hard work he spent building the structure, it was a perfect teaching time for conflict resolution, teaching both children how to use their words to express their frustration instead of violence and how to be considerate of others by not pushing down the block tower to begin with.  It was also a good time to show the children how to work together to help build the tower back and play cooperatively.
     When we take the time to play with our little ones or anyone's little ones, it can be a form of escape like reading a good book which takes you to another world and when you look up once again to your duties and responsibilities for the day you feel as if you've taken a journey up to Machu Picchu and back and thus had the break you needed to put you back on track. At least that's how it is for me, but I guess that's why I am a teacher.  It's where my passion lies.   

October 4, 2010-Monday Melodies and Bathtime Bliss

     I love days when life slows down a bit, at least for me.  My boyfriend is currently working 6 days a week due to an important maintenance project at work, and the kids are with their dad for the weekend, so I had a weekend day all to myself.  I started out with a good night's sleep and waking up with my honey to go to breakfast. After he took off to work, I blogged a bit and took a walk around the island.  I haven't had a chance to do this on Roi since I started my blog this past summer.  It was nice to familiarize myself with my "temporary" home again.  By the time I was done, it was time for lunch. After lunch, I decided to head down to the beach shack for a bit and relax with a good book. Unfortunately, it's rainy season here, and although it's warm rain, it's still rain, and a gloomy beach day just isn't the same as a sunny one, so after about an hour it was back home to indulge in something I rarely get to indulge in, a bath in a full size bath tub.  You see, on Kwajalein, the BQ's (Bachelor's Quarters) only have showers, and many of the homes only have these half tubs masquerading as real bathtubs, so it's quite a treat when I get to relax in a regular size bathtub as the BQ's on Roi all have normal size tubs. 
     When I take a bath, I require certain luxuries like sweet smelling Calgon powder or some sort of bath beads or bubbles, a comfy bath mat or pillow to relax my body and head on, my Ipod or soft music playing in the background, and a magazine or book to read.  Today was no exception, I experienced total relaxation as I almost fell asleep in a warm tub with music in my ears and a book in my hand.  Days like today are so important for everyone.  We need days where we have no responsibilities, no schedule, no stress, and where we can enjoy those things that make us feel relaxed and special.  Today was a day for Monday melodies and bath time bliss. Recalling the melodies of the birds chirping on the path ahead of me during my walk and soaring high in the air above me, the breaking of the waves and the crunching of coral slowly being ground into soft sand under my feet at the beach shack, and the music of my favorite artists on my Ipod as I soaked in the tub.  Tomorrow, when the stress of life and work sets in again, I'll close my eyes and take myself back to yesterday and to the melodies of the atoll to relax my mind and body and bring the weekend a little closer to me. 

October 3, 2010-The "Roi Resort" Experience

     It's so good to be back on Roi, diving and enjoying adventures on the atoll with good friends. There's just something about this place. "Roi Resort" is definitely an apt nickname for those who aren't required to live in its isolation every day of the year.  I've never been a full time resident, but I have spent enough time to get a sense of how different it is for long term residents versus the "downtown" Kwajalein visitors and "baggers" (nickname for those who live on Kwaj, but commute back and forth to Roi on the plane daily).  When you live here all the time, the smallness of the place (only around 80 full time residents), the lack of food to cook with and enjoy at the one convenience store on island (there's no grocery or department stores on Roi as there are on Kwajalein), the limited entertainment options (Kwajalein has a bowling alley, two theaters, a range of various community activities almost every weekend; whereas, Roi does the best they can with the one fabulous activities director for the residents), and the general "forgotten stepchild" feel of the island to residents who hear and see of various ways Kwajalein folks and their non-working family members are catered too (there's no housing or children allowed to live on Roi, so everyone here works with the exception of one or two wives), it can become a "hardship" assignment in most senses of the word.  It's an unfortunate phenomenon because without the radars and missile and space junk tracking capabilities of those radars located on Roi-Namur, Kwajalein would not exist.  The radars are critical to the U.S. purpose of the testing range.   The residents here should be treated more like Iron Man rather than like Cinderella before she became a princess.
     That said, it takes a certain type of person to live here for very long.  You have to be strong enough to handle the isolation without being overcome by loneliness, depression, or maybe even slightly crazed thoughts. You have to be able to remind yourself of the advantages over the disadvantages of life here almost daily. And you have to learn to appreciate the beautiful differences between Kwaj and Roi to fully enjoy it.  For example, Roi is half covered with actual jungle.  This jungle is filled with gorgeous butterflies, disintegrating WWII Japanese bunkers and gun placements,  and fantastically bright green foliage and various flowering plants.  Every time the boys and I cruise through it in our rented golf cart, we find a previously unexplored path or "secret hiding place" to crunch our way through and discover treasures such as an old radio or coke bottle or even more exciting for little boys, a shell from a 50 cal gun where we can picture soldiers hiding and fighting over 6 decades ago on the very piece of ground on which we stand.  There's also a number of lush, private beach shacks on the lagoon side which residents take care of, but are all too happy to share with whoever wants to relax in their comfy hammocks under wooden coverings for shade and often with grills to make a day of it.  My boyfriend recently wrote the best promotion of his shack in an e-mail sent to friends who thought they might not have a place to stay while visiting, so we were going to set up the tents for them to camp. It was such a appealing description of his secluded shack with a fresh outdoor shower and built in air conditioning provided by the trade winds and music to provide sound sleep created by the waves just a few feet away that we were all ready to settle down in it as if it was the finest accommodations on a resort tropical island such as Tahiti.  I wish I could cut and paste his description here for you all to read, but alas, it's on my computer at work, plus, I need to ask his permission first anyway.  Point being, sometimes it's all a matter of perspective.
     If we can learn to be content in our circumstances, no matter what those are, then we have achieved true peace and because of this, we will be able to handle whatever life throws our way in its chaotic, roller coaster ride of constant changes.  For me, Roi means diving the airplanes as we did today, which is something much harder to find on Kwaj. It's mostly ships there, which are exciting too, but seeing those airplanes which used to fly so high settled completely on the bottom of the ocean and providing a home to so many magnificent anemones, fish, and brilliantly colored and structured soft and hard corals is a symbol of accepting our fate, our current place in life, and finding joy and peace in it.  Roi-Namur has some of the best diving in the world, and those of us who are lucky enough to dive it, can count that as one of the advantages of life here.  There are also the people who live here, who have decided to make Roi their home and not Kwajalein, and they are quite special too. Some of the warmest, most engaging people I have ever met, I've found on Roi. I think it attracts people who are in many ways more insightful and reflective than those from the "bigger cities" like Kwajalein.  Because of the isolation, you have to like yourself and spending time on your own, and that usually means you are comfortable in your own skin and able to reflect on who you are and who others are and accept people more easily without judgement.  You also recognize your room for growth, and for me, this is definitely a place where I can grow, where I have the time to read, write, and see life in a different way, and accept its hardships along with its beauty.  Life at Roi Resort is pretty unique, and I for one, am thankful for those friends I've made here who have accepted me into their hearts, invited me into their lives, and considered me a "sudo Roi-Rat" even though I've never had the opportunity to become a full fledged resident.

October 2, 2010-Tear Therapy

     Tears come easily to me.  So easy at times, it's a trait I wished I could change. I saw it as a weakness, a babyish, immature, insecure fault.  When I am really nervous, tears well up in my eyes. If I see any hint of true emotion in someone else while they relate a story of their life to me, the tears begin to flow.  Movies and commercials, yes, those too make me cry at the drop of a hat.  Don't get me wrong, I can control it and keep it in check when necessary, but at some point, later on, I'll have to let it out.  It reminds me of my children sometimes. When they were younger and even still some to this day, they will have a bad day or get their feelings hurt on the playground at recess and hold in their tears until they walk into my classroom at the end of the school day.  It may start out as lashing out in anger at me or each other for some unknown reason, but then the tears begin to flow at the smallest pinch during a brotherly wrestling match or tease about something silly the other said or did, and when asked what's going on, the true story comes out. They can't cry in front of their friends or teacher, so they hold it in until they are back at home or in a comfortable spot with family, and they always feel better after they have talked and cried it out.
     Today, a co-worker and friend popped into my office like she often does to chat, and I knew instantly that something wasn't right in her world. She was not her usual smiling, up-beat self. As she explained to me about her dad going into the hospital in Hawaii last night and her brother calling to relay the message that her dad was asking for her, she couldn't stop the tears any longer.  Part of my new job is to be there for the teachers I train to discuss frustrations or stress they experience at work, so we can try and help reduce that together, and in this position, it becomes very easy to also become friends and share tears and personal struggle together.  Today, I was serving as her friend. All I could do was cry with her, listen, and let her know I would be praying for her dad and be there for her in any way that would help, but just having that moment to hug and allow her to let out those pent-up emotions felt right and good for her.
     That's why I no longer consider my trait of wearing my heart on my sleeve as a fault.  I believe because I don't hesitate to allow the emotions to flow, it helps create a bond and a feeling of comfort for my family, friends, and co-workers to come to me when they need some tear therapy themselves.  I'll allowed my vulnerabilities to show with them, and so they can open up in that same way with me. And I'm happy to be able to be there for them, to be allowed to encourage them and pray for them and know their hearts.  In the end, life is about the quality of relationships you build and maintain, not about your career or how much money you make or how many things you have, but about love, faith, and joy.  I am so blessed to have a job where I get to do what I love, which is teach, but I also get to be a friend and help others find joy in their work and be there for them when times are tough.  So, if you are having a difficult day today, hang in there, my friends! And don't hesitate to let the tears flow because sometimes we all need a little tear therapy.

October 1, 2010-October Babies...

     October is full of milestone events for my family. Starting it off is my mom's birthday, which I have missed (in terms of being able to be with her) for almost all of the last 13+ years I've lived on the island.  That's been one of the hardest parts of living on an atoll, being so far away from family.  It's amazing that I even lasted the first couple of years here as I had never lived more than an 1 1/2 drive from my mom before I moved overseas, and we have always been very close not only in distance, but as mother/daughter and friends.  In a sense, we matured and grew up (each in our own ways) together.  When I was 12, my parents divorced, and my brothers both left for college not long after, so it was just mom and me.  We learned how to survive life with just each other and  God to lean on, and I firmly believe that's part of the reason we are so close today and instead of having the love-hate relationship of so many mothers and daughters, we evolved into best friends and roommates.  So, October is a very important month for me, not only because it gives me a chance to appreciate all my mom has been and done for me on her birthday, but also because my youngest son is an October baby. 
     My littlest darling came into the world a week early, but true to his personality, he did it HIS way.  He would not move into the birth canal (comfy as he was in my womb), and he gave us a big scare because his heart rate kept dropping during my contractions, so they ended up performing an emergency C-Section right here on the atoll.  I am very thankful for the hospital and staff on Kwajalein, and I believe their care is the best because they realize they do not have everything they need to deal with high risk situations, so they are especially careful with their patients, literally taking your life into their hands personally to make sure you are okay.  Even though I did not want to end up having a c-section, I believe it helped save two lives that day.  My son ended up having the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, and I realized how very serious the situation was when a couple of days after his birth, the Chief Medical Officer for the hospital told me he was so relieved to her my son's cries upon delivering him into the world.  They were truly scared that he was not going to survive, which is a testament to their calm demeanor during the actual emergency situation because I did not feel that fear from them at all.  In fact, I was irritated until the moment they put me under for surgery because I wanted them to give me more time to try and deliver him naturally.  Good thing I wasn't the doctor and in charge of making those decisions! Now, my baby is almost 7 years old! He's growing up and maturing a bit more every day, and before I know it, he'll be ready to leave the nest and fly on his own, but for now, I will enjoy this month with him, day by day and look forward to celebrating his birth on the 28th. 
     This month marks another milestone for my son and my mom on their birthdays, another year of growth completed, and I am thankful for their presence in my life and for the fact that God chose for me the best mom in the world, and that he chose me to be a mom too and to such a precious little boy.  Rock on, October babies! And in the words of my oldest son's third grade class, who decided to create a new expression combining the words great and awesome. You're grawesome!