June 27-28, 2011- Eating and Spending…

     I had to really think about what I have been doing the past couple of days before beginning this entry.  It turns out I’ve mostly been shopping and eating! Clothes shopping is a must for the once or twice a year we make it to the commercialized world off of our isolated atoll, so one whole day and way more money than I really wanted to use was spent on shopping for clothes.  Other than that, we found and put together the perfect mock “Oregon Made” gift boxes for our wedding guests who will be traveling from afar and staying in hotels next summer, and we stopped for some delicious Thai food in the mall.  Trying out 3 of the 4 specials for lunch (we were hungry!) we had some fantastic lettuce wraps and a wonderful pumpkin curry. We are ready to travel to Thailand now! J  Maybe for our honeymoon…

     I am not usually a big shopper, and I stress over every little amount spent, but I have learned to allow myself a splurge here and there on vacations. After all, it’s money I worked for, and the only shopping we have on island is online, and I don’t have or take the time to shop that way, except for necessities, so if you think about it, by the time you add up what I would have spent for little things all year long in an area with shopping, I spend in one or two days over 12 months.  It all evens out, but shopping for personal needs and planning for a wedding next summer has added a little extra financial stress to my mind this time.  I admit, I haven’t handled the last couple of days of wedding planning well, stressing over all the little things and allowing myself to get into a negative mindset, so the day of shopping and eating and focusing relatively little on actual wedding worries was good for me.  I reset my mind a bit, realizing we still have a year to plan little details and pay in “installments” so to speak for the expensive of our big day. And no one said we had to go on a honeymoon right after the vows, so we are putting that on the back burner for now. Honestly, we are able to take fabulous long vacations every year because of where we live, so they are all like little honeymoons to me.  J  What’s most important is the sacredness of the occasion we are planning for and the people we are lucky enough to plan and spend it with, so for now, I’ll enjoy my little pre-honeymoon while preparing for the next one because it will be here before you know it!

 

June 25-26, 2011- Oregon Coast Road Trip!

     After a full week of wedding planning, my fiancé and I decided it was time to take a trip up the coast to relax and enjoy the beautiful scenery along the way.  It was to be a wedding free overnighter, so I purposely left the wedding planning book back at the in-laws residence.  We drove a good portion of the day on Saturday, stopping to see a lighthouse here and there (Heceta Head and Umpqua River) and Lighthouse), a gusty beach full of saw grass dunes along the Oregon Dunes National Recreational Area, and hiking a bit to work up an appetite for enjoying some fabulous fish and chips at the International C-Food Market in Florence before looking for a hotel vacancy in which to get some rest.  It was so nice to get away and not think about anything but the beauty of this great state for a while.  After a refreshing night’s sleep, we hit the Sunday brunch at our hotel, the Adobe Resort , in Yachats, whose restaurant is situated overlooking the crashing Pacific waves on the rocky shore just beyond it and enjoyed Belgium waffles with a strawberry compote and whipped cream as part of a beautifully presented brunch buffet. Upon filling our bellies, we reluctantly headed inland to begin planning for our big day once again. The largest part of the wedding has not even been considered in any detail yet, and that would be the catering.  We have a lot of work ahead of us, but it will all be worth it to finally say “I do” to my sweetheart and begin our lives together.

June 23-24, 2011- Filling up the Planner…

     My mom sent me this pretty little pink and brown wedding planner book while I was on my way to Oregon this trip.  She knew we would be working on preparations for the wedding next summer, so she thought it would be helpful. It turns out it has been very helpful, keeping me organized and reminding me of so many of the little details that would have been lost otherwise.  Over the past few days, I have been filling it up with my slightly messy handwriting and the blue ink from my St. Regis hotel pen, acquired on my engagement trip to Vancouver back in February. I have made a tentative guest list, written down ideas for potential guest gift baskets, made notes for things not to forget next year, such as taking my boys to get suits before the wedding date, and so much more.  None of this has been done without much chatting and brainstorming between my future in-laws, my fiancé, and me.  We picked out flowers, calla lilies for the wedding party and lavender and wild flowers for the reception tables, which can be given out as living reminders of our union to the guests afterwards.  We also set up a mock wedding reception table complete with the wedding colors (which are turning out to be a chocolate brown, brushed gold, and a little bit of lavender), floating candles, flower centerpieces, and dishes right from my in-laws shelves and cabinets.  It’s all coming together, but not without its own amount of stress. There have been several moments where the journey the past few days has been overwhelming. There’s so much to consider and every little bit adds up more and more in terms of the modest budget we had planned to spend originally, but I know it will all work out in the end, and I’m so glad we decided to wait over a year before the big day. Because of our timeline, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to hem and haw and settle on all the big and little parts of our perfect day! J 

 

June 21-22, 2011- Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…

     The past couple of days have been filled with making important wedding day decisions and purchases.  My fiancé knew what suit he wanted to purchase as he had already researched it online, but finding it, at first, turned out to be harder than we expected. The first day there was not one store in the malls we went to which carried the Hugo Boss suit he had decided upon before arriving in Oregon.  So, yesterday, we hit the capital city of Salem and finally found the suit in Nordstrom’s.  From there, everything absolutely fell into place with sizes, which were actually in stock and minimal alterations needed.  We had to leave it there to have the alterations taken care of, but the shoes were easily found and purchased, and most important, my fiancé was more than happy with what he had picked online once he tried it on in the store. 

     Next, we headed to the jewelry shop where my engagement ring was purchased, and I was honored to meet the warm and very knowledgeable saleswoman who assisted my sweetheart in purchasing my first two rings for my birthday and engagement just 4 months ago.  Once again, the decision fell into place with 2 slim diamond bands to go on either side of my engagement ring when the time comes, and a handsome and smooth Tungsten style band for my soon to be better half which has a lifetime guarantee for replacement and in addition, will not scratch.  Very happy with our purchases, we headed back home, saving the flower, rental equipment, and catering decisions for another day, maybe tomorrow. J  Last night finished with a “muy bien” dinner at the newly renovated Ixtapa Mexican restaurant, always a treat for us, living on an island where restaurants are in very short supply.  

June 20, 2011-Marshall Islands Jewelry, Big Island Chocolates, and San Francisco Sour Dough Bread!

     Well, here I am again, halfway around the world from my home on the atoll in the beautiful state of Oregon.  After another 40 something hour day, we arrived at my future in laws house last night, hopped up on the local Dutch Brothers drive through coffee with gifts from all our stops along the way. Our first touchdown in Majuro, we picked up a shell and coconut tree fiber necklace for my fiancé niece along with a can of Pringles, as we did not ensure adequate nutrition for ourselves before boarding our 7 pm flight.  Next, we stopped in Honolulu, Hawaii for just 4 hours, wondering around the airport waiting for Burger King and the duty free shops to open, so we could eat breakfast and purchase some Big Island shortbread cookies and chocolate covered macadamia nuts for all the Prenoveaus to enjoy.  Big Island goodies are the best! Finally, we touched down on something other than an island (unless you consider the mainland of the United States one big island) in the sunny state of California where we picked up some San Francisco sour dough bread while also enjoying the local Anchor Steam brew while waiting for our 5:30 flight to Eugene, Oregon.  Upon arrival, we finally hit our second wind, staying up and chatting until after midnight (which is only 7 pm where we came from) and finally hitting the sack around 1 am and sleeping in until 12:30 this morning. :p So, today, we look forward to taking care of business, getting plans and preparations made for this time next year when we look forward to taking our vows of forever at our wedding. J  I’ll keep you posted on our progress along the way, as usual…enjoy the day wherever you are!

    

 

June 19, 2011-Packing Day...

     Tomorrow, my fiancé and I leave for his home state to set up plans for the wedding a little more than a year from now.  So, today, I’m packing….well, sort of. Mostly, I am just being a bit lazy, hanging out with my boys before they go to their Father’s for Daddy’s Day, calling my own daddy, visiting with friends, all of whom I will not see in person for quite some time and little by little cleaning up the house and packing  a bag for our trip.  I’m not looking forward to another 36-hour day as I had back in February and wrote about in this blog, but I am looking forward to being with my future family on the other side of the world at the other end of that 36 hours.  Say a prayer for safe travels as we’re almost off, and with luck and a lot of God’s blessings, next time I write, it will be from the good ‘ole U.S. of A.

June 18, 2011- It’s Saturday!

     The “snack nanny” at the child development center where I work loves Saturdays. For us, Saturday is a work day, so when I arrive and walk past her kitchen to my office on Saturday mornings, she always sings out, “Happy Saturday!” When she says this, I can’t help but smile and repeat her words to her.  It’s an equivalent saying to our “TGIF-Thank Goodness It’s Friday,” although better because her enthusiastic words heralding in the upcoming weekend are contagious.  She is always able to start my Saturday off right! So, Happy Saturday, everyone!!

June 17, 2011- Wedding Vows?

     Ever since the idea of working on our wedding vows was mentioned by my fiancé in an e-mail to his mom back in February, I have been mulling over potential vows in my mind. That’s part of my writing process. The best writing I do comes from days and days of thinking about what I want to write at random quiet moments throughout the day, trying to imprint the ideas I think are my best ones by repeating them a few times in my head as I take my walk or try to settle down for bed or cook dinner.  I used to do the same thing with important papers I had to write in college. I’d plan and organize the essay in my mind before I ever committed it to ink and paper.  But this is not simply a college essay, so it has taken me a few months to decide for sure upon a direction for this most important task…

     There are a lot of things in terms of weddings and wedding planning which are brand new to me, and wedding vows are one of those. I have never written anything remotely like a wedding vow, so I am looking forward to doing so.  There’s an idea that’s been rolling around in the “squishy stuff” between my ears (as my son’s most recent first grade teacher once called their brains) for a while now, and when I began thinking about it as I was trying to get to sleep last night, I decided it was time to start writing my ideas down, not last night, of course, as I fell asleep not long after thinking that, but I did start tonight when I had a moment of quiet at home by myself.  I am not going to tell you all the specifics of my idea in this blog, obviously, as I want it to be heard for the first time on our special day, but it is an important moment my life and my fiancé’s that I wanted to record.

     I am extremely nervous to say what I’d like to say in front of everyone because I tend to get really shy when others are watching me in a private moment. In fact, I could probably sing it better than say it, if I could write the music to accompany it, that is, and not just the words. I used to sing all the time in front of the church growing up, with only a few shaky moments at the start of the song.  I know it sounds funny because I am a teacher, and I have no problem teaching to any age or number of people, but when it is a very intimate moment, such as pouring out my heart to my soul mate in front of all our closest family and friends, I clam up.  So, I figure as long as I keep my eyes on my darling the whole time, as if I am speaking to him only with no one else watching, I’ll be okay, but writing everything down ahead of time and practicing saying it won’t hurt either.  When I consider writing something for him, there are, in many ways, no words to describe how I feel, no way to truly express how much he means to me, but I am going to do my best to use my limited skills to give him even just a tiny part of my heart through words on this momentous day in our lives.  I truly cannot wait to marry my love, vows and all.  It’s a chapter in my life I look forward to starting more than anything else right now.  Wish me luck as I write out my heart and get ready to deliver my message to my future husband next summer!

 

June 16, 2011- A Rough Day...

     For our team, the Vancouver Canucks.  They lost the Stanley Cup during game 7 of the series at home in Vancouver, Canada tonight (15th, Canadian time).  I was just there watching them in February, and I had hoped for a better outcome. Even as a new fan, they have won me over for good.  I am certainly NOT a fair weather fan and will continue to root for their first Stanley Cup win next year, but for now, I am at a loss for words except for this. Keep your chin up, Canucks!! And you too, Fin! We’ll get ‘em next season…

 

June 11-15, 2011- Oh My Gosh!

     Five whole days have blown by and left me in their wake, trying to catch up, clean up, and clear my head of everything those days have filled it up with.  It began with my first session as the instructor for the bi-annual babysitter training offered to teens by my department.  Well, actually it started with me opening the child care center at 6:45, then working straight through except for my hour lunch with my boys until 4:30, then spending the rest of the evening hosting our department end of the year celebration party.  I got to bed that night around 11, utterly exhausted.  Sunday brought the teaching of my last Sunday School class for the school year as we take a break in the summer since so many families are away at that time followed by pretty much catching up on sleep and relaxing the rest of the day. Monday began with work again, finishing up the 4 hours of the babysitting class I still had to finish with my 9 students, and it was followed by eating a late lunch since I hadn’t had much breakfast and was starving, and a quiet evening with a friend while the boys read in their room.  Tuesday, it was back to work with everyone else, which for me included training our two new “college kid” summer hires and handling questions and gathering documents for our surprise inspectors from our installation military command office in the states.  I’ve barely had a moment to breathe or go to the potty, much less keep up with my blog. J  So, tonight, it was time to catch up, and this is a good thing since I leave for the states again in a few days. Although I am excited to go back for a break, I am not excited to leave my boys behind this time. Unfortunately, I will have to be away from them for over 6 weeks this time while I spend a couple of weeks planning for the wedding next summer and visiting family without them, and then they take off with their dad and step family for the states right when my fiancé and I are stepping foot back in the islands. The good thing for my writing is, I’ll have more time for it, but I can’t imagine it will be half as exciting without the occasional funny story about my boys or half as rich without the complexities of my personal character development gained through raising them and being with them day in and day out.  My family and relationships with them are what makes my life worth living and my writing worth recording, in my opinion.

June 10, 2011- Less about me, more about you…

     Tonight, after a day or so of thinking about myself and my worries, I found myself focusing my attention on others instead.  I attended our end of the year education department party and then headed down to one of the local hang outs to see my best friend in support of her first night on the job as the sole bartender for the evening.  At the first event, I was saddened as we said goodbye to two long term teachers who have been cut for next year due to our ever decreasing company and defense budget, and I felt grateful once again to have a job, a home, and relatively no bills to speak of as I live life on a tropical island free from so many of the every day worries of the world.  Then, I headed down to my next stop and talked for a while with another mom, such as myself, about the challenges and concerns of raising children, no matter where you reside, and I laughed at funny stories about other’s lives, where they have been, and what they have experienced, and I realized that joy comes from so many places. You just have to be willing to fill your glass up with it. 
     In the end, giving your time, energy, and listening ears to others gives back to you tenfold.  Giving of your dedication and hard work to making things better in your workplace or community provides you more peace than buying things for yourself. Concentrating less on yourself and more on others enriches our lives and gives us true purpose, so next time I feel down on myself, I’ll take the time to give whatever is needed to someone else and thus, improve not only my own life, but another human being’s life as well. 

 

June 9, 2011- Imperfect Lives, Imperfect Wives

     As I look forward to getting married to the love of my life next summer, I can’t help at times but worry about how I will do as a wife.  If I am completely, unabashedly honest with you, my readers, I would have to say at this moment in my life, my greatest failure (in my eyes) is the fact that I was not able to raise my boys in one household their entire lives.  I grew up from 12 on as a child of divorced parents, and it still pains me (years after my own divorce), that I failed my boys in this way. You read about it all the time (that divorce is never what’s best for the kids-duh, right!), but there are marriages you cannot live in happily and provide a healthy role model for your children, and for their dad and I, we simply weren’t meant to live as one, and we never really did.   We had very separate lives and always will, except for our sons. 

      During my first marriage, I was a naïve, inexperienced, and imperfect wife and mother and I failed those I loved, including my two beautiful babies, and I have spent the last few years trying to make up for my failures with the boys.  Unfortunately, I am still imperfect, and I live an imperfect life, so I don’t always handle every situation between their dad and me in regards to the care of the boys completely rationally or in a manner that is best for all involved or at least for my boys. I say things in frustration I shouldn’t say. I make decisions based on emotions and how I feel rather than what makes the most sense.  I allow myself to become “the victim,” blaming my inability to deal with certain issues on him because that’s “easier” than having to confront the situation and resolve it, but the bottom line is, divorce has forever altered not just my reality, but my two incredible sons, my ex-husband’s new wife and child, and my fiancé’s life. And it makes me sad….I never wanted to be a part of the cause of such pain in anyone’s life, but I suppose that’s the way of an imperfect and sinful world and the imperfect and sinful humans who live in it. 

      I will always be saddened by the reality of the world my children now have to grow up in, going back and forth between their dad’s and mom’s house, adjusting to having two “moms,” and two “dads,” and their varying styles of discipline and expectations for the boys. I will most likely always be jealous of any time their “step mom” spends with them and overly critical of any discipline dished out to them by her or activities engaged in that I might not fully approve of while spending time with their dad and step mom. That’s my possessive mom bone sticking out. I am their mom, their only mom, and I want to be there for every moment of their lives, not just when it’s my time with them.  I can never take back my failures in the past. I can never relive my rough days as a mom to them when they were young, and I was not at the most stable point in my life, but I can continue to reflect upon my abilities and decisions now and continue to grow as a dedicated and passionate role model for them in the future.

      What I am most thankful for tonight, even as I grieve over the challenges my boys face living in two very different homes, is a second chance to be a good wife.  I never would have believed there would be anyone willing to take me on again. I truly feel that I have never been loved by anyone as my fiancé loves me, except maybe by God. J  And I have never loved anyone as I love him, except maybe for God. J I am so very grateful for this chance to learn from my past mistakes, to grow in my knowledge of what it takes to make marriage work for a lifetime as it is meant to be (currently, my cousin the minister, has asked us to work our way through 4 books on relationships, money, communication, meeting each other’s needs, etc…). I am grateful for the chance to love my fiancé in all the ways he deserves and needs to be loved. I am only sorry that I have come to him with such baggage already, and that will always be hard for me to accept. It’s not fair for him, and he has been so supportive through all my trials, but the good news for me is, he’s soon to be “stuck” with me forever, so I have plenty of time to be there for him through thick and thin as well and make up for all he’s been through for me and my boys. The world may be imperfect, and I am certainly imperfect, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my upcoming marriage is ordained by God, and so that makes it as “perfect “ as it possibly can be in His eyes. Thank you, God, for forgiveness of our mistakes and for the blessing of second chances. 

 

June 8, 2011- Snippets in Time…

     Today, I picked up my sons’ school yearbooks for the 2010-2011 school year.  I spent about 30 minutes this evening just perusing the pages of the Preschool-12^th grade “photo album,” which provides snapshots in time of a mere nine months of these kids’ lives.  That’s what blogging or journaling is all about too, except using words instead of pictures, recording day to day or week by week moments in time, memories of how you felt, what you were thinking, and of all those fun, challenging, and inspiring events or quotes our family and friends share with us throughout life.
     My current job allows me the opportunity to read and record life minute by minute, like when I review observations the teachers have written about 5 minutes or less of the life of a child in their care. I also record moments of the teachers every day jobs and try to draw conclusions about what they need to work on and/or what they are doing well from these brief snapshots of their day. I love reading about what the kids’ say during their imaginary play or something witty they reveal to their teachers as they complete a planned activity.  I love recording my own children’s funny sayings or actions in this blog. I disagree though that you can really get a feel for an entire life or how well you perform your job from these small bits of information in yearbooks or gathered through occasional observations.  Yearbooks show only the smiling faces of prom or students cutting up in the hallway for the yearbook photographers.  Yearbooks don’t show what it feels like to be in high school, the challenges children and teenagers face as they move from sweet, naïve kindergarteners and precocious sixth graders to mature “ready to face to world and conquer it” graduating seniors.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having the pictures of each year of my boys’ lives and my own, but I love even more having the words to go along with it.  I love writing down the stories of these “snippets in time,” recording not only what was happening in life for those moments, but also what we felt, what we said, who we were. Hopefully, I’ll be able to look back and see the progression of myself and my family through these written musings, see the growth revealed in the words and experiences recorded, making these “snippets in time” more than something to look back on and critique as I am required to do at times through my work observations and turning them into words and memories to treasure and share with my children and their children for a long time to come.  
 

    

June 7, 2011- Making a comeback…

     Okay, so yesterday, I spent almost the entire day with my nose stuffed in a book.  I started it first thing in the morning after breakfast, took a break for lunch and cleaning up at the beach shack, then read again in the sun, and finally on the plane back to Kwaj and until bed time, which I knew would be when I finished my reading. I haven’t read a book in one day in a very long time. Mostly, I don’t have the opportunity to do so, but it’s also very rare that I find a book that holds my attention that strongly that I cannot put it down for a day or two until I have more time to focus on it.  The book is called, “Sarah’s Key,” and it is a fictional story based around the historical event of the French “roundup” of Jewish families during WWII, whole families who were taken to a concentration camp briefly and at which time children were separated from their parents, then after a couple of weeks, all of them were taken to a death camp in Poland, with only those who actually escaped the camps surviving.  I’ve read stories of WWII many times before, but this one took me totally into another world and touched me deeply as I read.  It linked the world of a journalist in this decade to a one of the survivors of the roundup in 1942, and it made me want to write again. 
     I am not very good at writing fiction, but if I could write like the author I read all day yesterday, I would be doing so now.  I do love to write, almost more than anything else in the world, but it is a tough business. I have never been able to find a way in for myself, but it does not lessen my desire to continue writing, even if it’s just for me.  I don’t know for sure if my passion for writing has any true purpose or will ever be anything other than a “blog,” which is nothing more than my thoughts day in and day out, certainly not anything all that profound or interesting to most, but if I ever had the opportunity to effect some sort of positive change in the world or even in the personal life of a everyday woman, man, or child like myself, I would take it in a second, and it would be worth every word and every minute spent agonizing over those words to get them just right.  Words are in my blood. Writing is my lifeline.  I don’t know where I’d be without it, and reading a book like the one yesterday that can hold me attention all day right up until the end, inspires me to keep going, to keep doing what I love, even if it never amounts to anything more than it is now…just one blog out of a million.  Thanks for reading…

 

June 4-6, 2011 My Roi Resort

     I know I’ve said it before, but I love Roi.  I am merely a “tourist” there, so because of that it has never lost its appeal to me in any way, shape, or form. Roi is my safe place, my haven of precious memories and experiences with my darling and my boys. Once we leave here, Roi-Namur will forever hold a very sacred spot in my heart and mind in a way that Kwajalein never will.  It is not perfect, not by a long shot, but my times there are full of laughter, love, spiritual growth, healing, and plain ‘ole good memories to treasure for a lifetime.  I believe my boys feel the same way, at least to a certain child like extent. 
     This weekend, as my baby and I went diving and relaxed at his beach shack, I realized that it was to me very similar to the place my mom recently sold in Gulf Shores, my home away from home.  It is a place that is full of peace and positive experiences, my hiding place away from the troubles of my small world, but also a place of quiet, where my mind could reflect upon life’s challenges and decide how to attack them in productive ways.  Away from the responsibilities of work, cleaning my home, washing and folding laundry, attending work or island events with the boys, I could escape into a book or write until my heart’s content, not having anything else to pull me away.  There, I take the time I never take here, to feel the warm sun on my face, to dive into the depths of the sea, to warm my toes by a campfire, and to tell stories and family history with my sons.  The jungles of Roi-Namur, the crumbling historic structures, the palm frond strewn cracking asphalt roads, the long stretches of beach, all of which are non existent on Kwaj, make Roi seem more like a true island paradise, away from the hustle and bustle of  the “downtown” atoll where I reside during the week.  I will never regret one moment spent there, one payment made to the company to house my boys and I there, one rough plane ride or one rainy weekend cooping us up inside because of the joy being there surrounded by peace and each other. 
 

 

May 31-June 4, 2011- Another week closer…

    The three-day weekend was nice, but it threw me off my schedule all week! I kept thinking I was a day ahead and then a day behind…I was so messed up! At any rate, because it was only a 4 day work week, it moved along rather quickly and here I am on the weekend once again and no blogs for the week! I must get back into it. I am starting to miss my daily reflection time, and I have been waking up with a sore jaw, which usually means I’m clenching my teeth in my sleep (as a result of some underlying stress I’m carrying around).  I think getting back into my writing routine will help alleviate this a bit.  I ‘m not sure what I’m stressed about, unless it’s just the upcoming summer, not having any finalized plans for the boys’ summer with their dad yet, heading out on my own short trip with my fiancé in an attempt to settle some of our wedding plans for next summer, and/or the general daily stress of work and never seeming to get quite enough sleep or exercise or proper nutrition as I would like to, etc…At least I can say I am now one week closer. One week closer to the end of another school year for my babies. One week closer to my wedding day and the joy of walking through life with my soul mate. One week closer to heaven. One week closer to new adventures off of the atoll. One week closer….to getting my writing life back on track and recognizing how important it is to reflect upon everything daily, so that I am not focused merely on the future and looking forward to it, but also enjoying the present and making memories to last forever.