June 5-30, 2013 Letting God Decide with My Eyes Wide Open…

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

     After once again getting out of the habit of exercising, I got up early yesterday to walk around the island before sunrise.  When I started this blog, it was because I really thought my last year on this island had begun, and I wanted to record what my life on an island was like before it was just a memory of a place I once lived.  That was in 2010. Obviously, God’s plan for me was to stay a while longer.  This evening as I walked the island I am so familiar with at sunset this time, I considered how many times I had wished to move on from here.  I listed in my mind all the other places over the years that I have thought about living and hoped for an opportunity to arise to take me there, none of which ever came about and certainly not for my lack of trying to find work and life elsewhere.  I have been putting my resume out there for jobs off and on for the last 5-7 years and despite an interview here and there, nothing has ever been offered to take me away from Kwajalein.  For now, God has spoken.  My life is here…on an atoll.  For how much longer? I don’t know. Where will He lead me to next? I don’t know that either.  A few years back, that would have made me very anxious, not having a plan or knowing where my future would be, but today, not so much.  I think the people who are most anxious about God’s plan for my life at this moment in time are my own parents.  Of course, they are very interested in helping me and my family get settled back in Alabama with them, and it’s not that I’m opposed to that. I’ve applied for jobs both there and in Oregon where my husband’s family lives as well as overseas (because the civil service jobs I qualify for are easier to break into overseas than in the states right now), but the simple truth of the matter is that God has not opened any doors to life off the atoll yet. And who knows, God may take me where my husband lands a job, not me.  It’s not all dependent on me getting a job first. My hubby is my family now along with my sons, so I have to be open to those opportunities God may open for him as well.  Bottom line is…I’m letting God decide my future.  I’m seeking Him first and His will for my life, not my own will, not my parent’s will (no offense, mom and dad), but God’s Will because He knows best.   Of course, I am keeping my eyes wide open, to see the opportunities He may be leading me to, to make sure I see His plan clearly when He reveals it, but in the meantime, I am resting in His plan for today and not worrying about tomorrow, and that’s enough, Praise God! J   

May 28-June 4, 2013 Looking at the world through God’s eyes…

“At dawn the disciples saw Jesus standing on the beach, but they couldn’t see who he was. He called out, ‘Friends, have you caught any fish?’ ‘No,’ they replied. Then he said, ‘Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you’ll get plenty of fish!’ So they did, and they couldn’t draw in the net because there were so many fish in it.” John 21: 4-6

     This last week it has finally started to hit me…my oldest son will be leaving not to return to me until December in only a few short weeks now.  I won’t be able to speak with him every day after school to ask how his day is or to hear his funny stories about what his friends did or what happened in class or at recess.  I won’t be a part of the various events he will be attending on the weekends or be able to teach his Sunday School class or help with a school party.  I will only have the occasional phone call or e-mail to check in with him.  What will make it even harder is that my youngest son will be here with me, so the oldest will be missed that much more because I will still be living the “family” life and attending all the school and family events, but my family will be incomplete this time.  We are shrinking from four to three in terms of our every day life.  Before this past year in counseling, I never would have thought to divide my children between households.  I never would have thought that this could be God’s plan for them, for all of us.  It still doesn’t feel good to me, but I have to trust in God’s guidance. This is the path He has laid out for us, and I am working hard to see the world before me through God’s eyes.  Just like the disciples in the boat who only needed to throw their nets on the other side of the boat to catch fish, I need to put aside what I thought would be best for everyone and start considering the other side of things.  God often has a different way for us than what we expect for ourselves and/or our children and families.  That’s what my “The One Year Praying through the Bible” devotional today brought out for me in the verse above.  God may want us to follow a different strategy or make a course correction from what we had programmed into our internal GPS.  Looking back over the last year from June 2012 to now, I realize that that’s exactly what God used this time for, to correct the course the boys and I were headed on when this crazy journey began, to show me through the people He brought into my life to provide guidance, that there was another way to move forward. During this year, I have had to continue to let go even more than I already had of my boys and allow Him to work directly in their lives without so much interference from me…it’s been one of the more peaceful years of the last 15, surprisingly, but that’s because I gave up a little more each day, week, and month of the control I was holding on so tightly to and let God have it.  If you have been reading my blog over the last couple of years, you know that letting go is a topic of discussion for me quite often, and that’s because it’s a day-by-day process. When you hold on so closely to ideas, people, ways of being and doing for so long, it takes a lot of strength to let it go, one little idea, person, or way of being and doing at a time.  I am sure I will keep finding things that I need to release in terms of control in my life for years to come, but it feels good to be one baby step closer to unburdening myself entirely to God’s will and way.  It turns out that looking at the world in a new way isn’t scary at all. It’s actually quite freeing!