“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have
learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in
need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being
content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living
in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
Philippians 4: 11-13
Since we returned
from our stateside vacation and have been busy settling back into life on the
atoll for yet another school year, I’ve found myself thinking, “What now, God?”
He’s led our family through so many challenges the past few years, and now that
my oldest son is back in the states, and we are back here trying to adjust to
life without him with us, I find myself conflicted about God’s plan for us
now. Are we to continue our lives here
for a while longer? Are we to try even harder to obtain work back in the states
or elsewhere to begin a new life off the atoll and possibly closer to our
families in the U.S.? Or, are we to go back into that waiting mode, where we
find comfort in our current circumstances and work on quieting our minds, so we
can hear when God speaks a new direction into our lives? Frankly, I’m not sure right now.
I do know that
God has taught me during my many years on this island how to be content no
matter what the situation because if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t still be here. I know that, amazingly, he used the last year
in particular to prepare me to come back here without one of my children. I
know this because there is a peace and contentedness about the current
situation that would not be there if God had NOT been in this. Both boys, so
far, are thriving in their changed circumstances, their new environments, and I
never would have thought I could have a peace about separating them for a time,
about living so far away from one of my children, but God has made it
okay. His plan truly is awe-inspiring to
the point of never would have seen it coming, gives me “goosebumps” perfect!
It reminds me of
our memory verse for the children in Sunday School yesterday. “My thoughts are
not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. (Isaiah
55:8) I could not have dreamed that separating
the boys this way would be best, but I prayed for God’s will and for what was
best for each child individually as well as collectively as a family, and God
answered that prayer in a unique way and fully according to his plan. His ways are NOT my ways, thank goodness,
because I’m sure I would have messed it all up by now if I was leaning
completely on my own understanding.
As I write this,
I realize that it’s still very early on in this transition…I haven’t even been
without my firstborn for over a month yet, but so many of the things I have
been afraid of did not happen. For
example, I told my husband that I was unsure I would be able to handle everyone
asking me about my son when we returned to the island, that it would make me
cry every time they asked. And the only part that came true in that scenario
was that everyone would be asking me how my son is doing and how he likes
living in the states and being away from his brother. The part of how I would
react has surprised me. Instead of being bitter or sad about the fact that he
actually loves it and is doing well, I am so, so pleased for him. I am happy
for my baby as long as he is happy.
You see, it is
possible for people to change, and it is possible for God to keep growing us
year after year after year until we become wiser, mellower, and much, much
closer to Christ-like than we started out as when we were babes ourselves. Thank God I’m not the same person I was when
I was younger. While on vacation, I
heard that a family member once described me as “smart and bitter,” and to the
first part I happily agree, yes I am smart. J I also readily agree to the description of me
being bitter, and it was not the first or last time in my life I was to
experience this feeling or even to be called bitter by anyone, but I can
happily say now that much of that bitterness has been melted away by God’s
blessings in my life, and what’s left is hanging on by a thread, soon to depart
as well. I’ll never be perfect, but I
have learned to be content, no matter the circumstances, and I can handle
anything as long as God is with me, giving me strength to face whatever is in
store for our lives next.
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