September 30, 2016 Pining for Purpose and Discovering Peace

If you have been following my blog recently, you may have noticed that since moving back to the states, I’ve been doing a lot of pining for purpose in my life. That feeling of there being something missing, something I was supposed to be doing with my life, but hadn’t yet kept nagging at me. Then, last month, an opportunity come up to volunteer (with a paid stipend) to do something I almost couldn’t resist, work with kindergarteners to achieve the goal of reading by the end of the school year.  Oh, my heart ached when it was offered to me…this is right up my alley, but the timing was not.  I couldn’t take this opportunity without hanging onto my job part time on base too, which might have worked out except that I would be working a 12 hour day 5 days a week for the next 10 months.  Besides for it being an opportunity I would have enjoyed immensely (and very similar to what I was doing for a year when I worked with the Kindergarten class as an ELL instructor on Kwajalein), it might have opened more doors for me to get back into a teaching career, which I sorely miss.  So, I prayed about it, A LOT! The more I prayed, the more I became unsettled about taking the position.  I knew I wasn’t in the right place in my life to do something like this.  I turned down the offer and instead of going back to pining for purpose again, I was surprised to discover a new feeling of peace about it all…peace in my purpose being for my family right now, peace in knowing that it’s OK for my purpose to be my children and my husband in this time and place. 

I honestly started to feel a little guilty after I realized how much I had been impatient and striving for purpose outside of the place I am in my life at this moment. I felt guilty for not thinking about how neglectful and selfish a choice this would have been, and it reminded me of the time God whispered to my mom and told her something very similar. I don’t even remember the situation exactly, but she was praying for guidance (maybe it was about moving to the beach, which she did later for several years), and she was told that there would be a time for her later, but that now it was time to take care of her daughter (me). I’m so glad she listened! You would think with a teenager, just as my boys are today, that your parenting responsibilities would lessen, and you could take on extra, but I needed my mom more as a teenager and young woman and wife than I ever had as a child. I believe my boys need me more now as well.  I want to not just be there for them, but to really be present in every way.  There are so many things I still want to teach them, so many things I want to provide guidance in, and now’s the time, before they are grown. Now it seems so clear where it was so cloudy before.  For the time being, my purpose is to take care of my family.  All the other stuff can wait. 

I think a lot of my pining for purpose here came out of the transition from life on Kwajalein to life back in America. It’s been an enlightening change from island life to stateside living. There, I really was able to do it all. On an island where everyone has an hour-long lunch at home daily and where the beach as well as your workplace is a short bike ride away, you had the ability to do more.  The saying there is that you can work a full day, then head out on an afternoon dive, and end the day with 9 holes at the golf course.  And, it’s true! You can. So, I was able to work a full day, help my boys with homework after school, attend their sporting events, run to the post office AND store, head home for a bit, then head to Cub Scouts and lead a meeting, then home again for dinner, dishes, and a little quality time with my husband before bed.  Here, I commute an hour a day, going to the grocery store takes an hour to an hour and a ½, dropping off and picking up my kids from sports practice takes another 30-45 minutes or more, and then there’s dinner, dishes, and getting prepared for the next day.  There’s still quality time with family and exercise time with the dog that usually gets worked in, but if I were to extend my workday on top of the commute and everything else, that means something would have to go.  It’s not worth sacrificing my family for it. 

What I have learned through all this is that living in the states means living a purposeful life in a different way than what I was used to before.  That said, I have definitely learned to appreciate what living overseas on a small island means, which is more time for everything as well as more opportunity to help in simple but very important ways, such as teaching English to local teachers and students or providing healthy snacks and books for children to enjoy and take home to places where they have neither most of the time.  Because there are so many basic needs in a third world country, you can often just ask what you can do to help and be overwhelmed with your choices.  You can exercise your creativity and come up with and implement your own plan to help and something about knowing you made a difference from start to finish in someone else’s life is very fulfilling.  In the states, I believe you can still make those same differences, and the same needs are there for portions of the population, but you are often searching for the organization that provides the volunteer opportunities you seek, and you are simply one of a number of people helping in very specific and limited ways laid out by the organization.  You do not always get the direct involvement in making the difference and actually seeing the change too. Instead, you may be only delivering books to offices who serve low income families who don’t have a lot of access to books OR it may be stepping into an after school program homework club and helping with homework when there’s only one teacher and 12 students to assist, but there is still purpose in it.  I see that now.

Funny thing is, after all this pining for purpose and impatience at not finding it, God gives me a little blessing, just because that’s how he is. Within a few weeks of coming to this revelation and giving up my pining, I got a call to teach an ENGL 101 class as an adjunct faculty member at a technical college I had applied to a few months back, and it happened to fit right with my current workday schedule! The college itself is only a 10-minute drive from base, so I pop out for a hour each day to teach, then head back to work.  I feel like I have been rewarded for choosing wisely because the purpose I was missing is in this new classroom with my new students! I am so excited to be teaching again.  You want to know the best part? Of course you do! I wouldn’t have been able to take this teaching job if I had taken the other volunteer opportunity, so once again, God knew what was best and what I needed. Thankfully, I followed his lead this time, although my impatience almost led me outside his guidance. Now, I am honored enough to have both, time to serve my family’s needs as well as fulfill my need for purpose again through teaching English to students who are in the midst of reinventing their lives and finding new purpose after hardships or are trying to get a running start on college and their future. 

August 25, 2016 Grieving for Grace and Hungering for Humility

Going back to work this week after 3 weeks on reduced hours for 2 weeks and then a full week off posed not only the usual challenges of settling back into the routine and getting caught up with everything, it was also very humbling, which I did not expect.  For the last three weeks, my focus has been primarily on spending quality time with my family, and the days I had to work were spent making sure the children I work with enjoyed summer camp to the max with one field trip after another.  The time flew by, and I enjoyed my job more than usual, finding my passion again in spending time with the kids, and I especially enjoyed my time off camping, laughing, and exploring the beautiful NW outdoors with my family. 

Then, I headed back to work and my 5:30 am opening schedule. The first day was good, then by the second and third days, I noticed a change in myself. I found myself annoyed with others for not doing things “the way I would have done them.” I found myself blaming others for issues that I could have helped resolve.  I found myself being unwilling to do the extra work for someone else because I was resentful of what I believed they should be doing to help me.  Wow! I am ashamed to even write that I can think and behave this way. Where’s my grace for others? Where’s my humility?  I should be doing all I can to give 110% to my work and my family, no matter how much anyone else decides to give. I should be putting others above myself, not the other way around.  I should be considering the fact that we all have our strengths and weaknesses, and we should work together to complement each other, supporting in weakness and encouraging in strength. That’s the only way that teamwork can be successful. If I want to teach children that, then I must be able to implement it in my own life.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in someone else’s negative mindset and a bit harder to stay positive in the midst of negativity, but we must try.

After the week was over, I realized how easily I fell right back into a judgmental, fault finding, negative perspective that I believe has become a bad habit for me and maybe for Americans in general lately.  It seems that’s ALL we do sometimes, seek out faults in others, look at ourselves as superior to all others, and blame everyone else when we fail.  It’s all over the news and particularly in politics these days. In fact, when there’s a story of kindness or humility or putting others first, those stories are rapidly shared around social media and touted as the ideal example of a human being, but these stories are not as prevalent as the negative ones. So, here’s where my mind goes with this one…Why should we HAVE TO SHARE the good stories as examples of how we all need to behave instead of just behaving that way? These stories should not be few and far between, but an integrated part of our everyday lives.

So, after this week at work, I hunger for more humility in my life, and I grieve for the grace lacking in today’s world and in my own life.  I pray that God will show me how to seek out and find the good in every person I work and play with each day.  I pray that my mindset will be changed from judgment of others to judging myself first.  I hope for a greater ability to provide grace and turn the other cheek to those who need it from me the most. 

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:3-11 (New Living Translation)

July 23, 2016 Embracing Life’s “About Face” Moments

A couple of weeks ago, I posted pictures on social media of a camping trip my husband and I took here in the Northwest.  It is situated in an old growth forest next to a rushing river. Everything, except for the cleared tent, fire pit, and picnic table areas, was covered in soft, green moss, including the tree trunks and the bumpy ground.  It’s one of the first things I noticed and fell in love with about the Northwest…the lush greenness of the landscape year round.  It’s quite a change from where I lived just 2 years ago on a small island halfway between Hawaii and Australia.

Usually, the first months of a major life change are rough to say the least, but I remember my initial days living on Kwajalein very fondly.  I did not work for 7+ months after arriving, so I had plenty of time to get to know and enjoy the island lifestyle. I quickly found my favorite spot, the white, plastic lounge chairs molded into a permanently reclining position situated behind the 8-foot fence at the adult pool.  These chairs faced the ocean side of the island where strong winds and crashing waves were the norm for a majority of the year. This was good because it kept the flies away and made the constant wet blanket of humidity a little easier to handle. I loved it so much because the time I spent there smoothed out my transition from AL to the Marshall Islands and from young adult to adult.  It’s the place where I sought out solace and found peace with my new life, even while missing my old one. You see, I could sit out back with a book (after a relaxing swim in the saltwater pool on the other side of the fence, of course), and I could write, pray, cry, sing, read, study, or simply soak up the sun in COMPLETE privacy. No one could hear me over the roar of the waves, and during the work day, you rarely had anyone join you back there because it was too windy or too hot for most to hang out for long.  Over time, it became a reminder that life is in constant motion and change is inevitable.  I watched the tides come in and flow out again. I saw the changes to the shoreline over the years after storms or erosion took effect. I also dove in the lagoon waters on the other side of the island and experienced how life is reborn on the WWII ships and planes dumped after the battles. It is the first time I remember really connecting changes in nature to changes in life.  

Even though living stateside and in the Northwest IS, in many ways, the complete opposite of life on a remote island in the Pacific Ocean, there are ways the two are connected, just like nature and life are intertwined. For example, hiking in the old growth forests of WA took me back to diving on the forgotten ships and planes deep below the waves. As we walked past tree root systems upturned where ferns and various mosses are thriving after decay killed the tree, I thought of the lionfish making homes in the bridge of the ships at the bottom of the ocean floor. When we admired the ability of an aging, fallen tree to provide nutrients for its seedlings and become a nurse log for the last decades of its own life, I thought of the coral that attaches itself to the wings of downed planes providing a hang out for anemones, fish, and other sea life.  And it all brings me back to the major life changes that seem to come about every couple of decades for me. I consider them my “about face” moments because they are 180 degree changes. Just like the old plane becomes an underwater sanctuary for new sea life, and the aging tree becomes a nurse log for new forest growth, I too, change and find a new purpose, a new way of living. 

Change in life is inevitable, but it is also still intricately connected with our life before, even if it looks totally different on the outside. Because of where life takes us, the bottom of the sea, the forest floor, or a tropical island far from home, new opportunities present themselves. The coral dust floating by the forgotten plane now has something to attach to where they was nothing but sand before. The fallen tree provides nutrients to seedlings previously stuck on the ground in the dark. The broken girl meets a boy from the NW and falls in love with both. When life deals you a rotten hand, new life will emerge out of the ashes of the old one like the colorful coral that grows from the sunken ship’s port holes lying in the sand or the beautiful, bright green ferns and strong, branches emerging from the fallen Western Hemlock on the bottom of the forest floor.  You just have to embrace the “about face” moments as they come and grow from where you landed after the fall. 

June 25, 2016-RTM, Day 22

Today’s Verse:

I am called with a holy calling (2 Timothy 1:9 NKJV).

In Context:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. So never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord. And don’t be ashamed of me, either, even though I’m in prison for him. With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the sake of the Good News. For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus. (1 Timothy 1:7-9)

I have to admit, in this day and age, I struggle to NOT be timid about sharing my faith with others, which is the exact opposite of what this verse advises me to do. If I am asked directly about it or I am speaking to someone else who is very open about their own Christian faith, I have no problem revealing my beliefs, but to speak up and tell others I work with, do not know, or am mere acquaintances with about God, the sole intent being to bring them to Christianity, well, this is the part of my Southern Baptist roots that I have always been uncomfortable with. I grew up being taught that I was to go out and disciple others and bring them to God, but I have simply rested in the verses that allow me to draw others to God by example, not by sharing the Good News directly.  (i.e “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2) This verse speaks to wives in particular, but there are other verses that reference a quiet and gentle spirit and speak of the meek inheriting the earth, but just because those verses are included in the Bible, this does not mean I should “forget” about the many, many instructions of God’s Word to do all I can to bring others to God. 

I am better than I used to be. Age does that to you…the shyness present as a child melts away, confidence takes its place, and eventually you begin not to care so much about what others think as much as you do about just being true to who you were made to be.  That’s the part of our “coming of age” stories where we finally accept ourselves, faults and all, and recognize that the only way to find contentment in life is to use our natural born gifts and do what we were called to do.  The concern for me is that I am not sure if I am doing all I was called to do because I don’t know what that is yet.  I know writing about God on an “open to the public” blog and sharing it to Facebook is a huge step in putting my faith out there in a way I wouldn’t have been comfortable with a few years ago, but it’s still a very minimal risk, considering the big picture.  I think, maybe, my timidity and fear in being more involved in ministering to others and sharing my testimony is why I am not sure I have or am fulfilling my purpose yet...because I do need to overcome those fears and timidity to move forward.  This is my last blog, for now, based on a Bible verse, so I think it’s time I share a small bit of my testimony, and maybe, just maybe, this will be a baby step toward drawing closer to God’s purpose for me and discovering what it is that I am missing…

I grew up in the church, and when I was about 12, my VBS (Vacation Bible School) teacher shared God’s plan of salvation with me. She told me all about how Jesus had died on the cross for my sins, and I knew I wanted to be saved. I had a feeling inside I had never felt before. It was truly like I was being “drawn” to Him. I told my mom, we talked to the pastor, I walked down the aisle during the alter call at the end of one of our Sunday morning services, and shortly after, I was baptized in Willowbrook Baptist Church’s baptismal pool in front of the entire congregation.  Coming to God originally was the easy part for me.  I don’t have a miraculous saved from addiction or death coming to Christ story because I was brought to God as a child and in some ways, I believe that I still have a very childlike faith. I am thankful that I came to God early and the Baptist church gave me a very strong grounding in the Word of God. Bible drills, Sunday School, Church Camps, and Youth Group all contributed to the building of my knowledge and faith, and when tough times came, I knew God had a plan, always and without a doubt.  This is not to say I didn’t falter (lots) along the way, but I still believed, even when I was choosing to draw away from God and sin instead of taking the path less traveled. 

There is so much more to my story, bits of pieces of which I have shared through this blog in the past, but the bottom line is that my faith in God has only grown over the years as I was challenged first with my parent’s divorce, through which God fully sheltered me.  Then, he waited patiently and protected me from what could have been many other challenging situations as I rebelled against who knows what in my college years. He drew me back to Him in a big way when I got married and moved halfway across the world. At that time, I spent several years being mentored by a woman friend sent to me by God. (I actually prayed for such a friend-this is one of the most direct answers to prayer I have ever experienced.)During this mentoring period, I not only grew tremendously in my faith and knowledge of God and His Word, but I even ministered to others through training in Biblical counseling and Christian Women’s groups-probably the time I most adhered to the verses above, not being timid about sharing my faith. (Hmmmm, maybe it was peer support that made the difference.) Finally, God once again sheltered me (and my children) through a difficult divorce and the years of aftermath that followed.  In these years, God actually taught me the most about letting go and finding contentment in whatever circumstances come your way, and I am more at peace now in my present life (even though it is far, far from perfect or ideal) than I have ever been. That’s the short version of my testimony, but I have so, so many things to be thankful for, like these last few years where He’s brought me to the love of my live and to the beautiful Northwest where I could “begin again” in a sense and experience life in a new way. 

Bottom line for me and for you, a relationship with God is very, very personal.  I cannot convince you to come to God by simply telling you how He has worked in my life.  I cannot make you feel God’s presence like I did when I was saved or when I cried out to Him in a time of great distress and felt His arms wrap around me in warm, unconditional love. I cannot describe to you with words how God speaks His guidance into my consciousness when I need it the most. I cannot prove to you that He led one of my Bible study sessions by providing me the words to speak when I was not prepared and asked for His help, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was God, not me, not a trick of my imagination, but God.  When God reveals Himself to you, then you know what faith is, you know what it means to believe without seeing, and there is no need for anyone to PROVE anything to you again.  The beauty of all of this is that once you believe in things unseen, you can all of a sudden see all the miracles happening around us each day, you can find beauty in the ashes and appreciate life on this earth in a new way because you know who is in charge, and you are not worried anymore about trying to control it or anyone else. But for the grace of God, go I, and I can’t imagine where I would be today without God in my life.  I am blessed, and I do hope and pray for all my friends, family, and loved ones to one day know the love of God in the way I have, if they do not already.