I don’t know why, but the last couple of weeks I have fallen back into a negative thinking pattern. I don’t want to be the glass half empty person or the one who always finds a way to fight against good suggestions others provide or even turn positive comments about others into negative ones simply because I am not happy with others or that particular situation. For example, tonight I made sure to shoot down every good reason my boyfriend gave me for why I should find out if the company will help defray the costs of my move from the BQ to the house since it was part of my contract change and not simply moving from one BQ to another or one house to another which is considered a personal choice and not a “forced move.” After getting off the phone, I thought, why didn’t I say, “That’s a great suggestion. I wish I had thought of it before” instead of hemming and hawing about not being sure I wanted anyone else packing my stuff and not wanting to wait for them to have time to move me. Why would I want to put myself in possible danger when moving furniture and heavy boxes down three floors of a BQ to a house if I can have help? I realized it’s not that I don’t want to find out about help or take it if offered. I was just in a negative mood, and I would have argued anything he had to say to me simply because I had my mind in the wrong place tonight.
Maybe my mind goes there when I feel like I am not in control of my life. That has certainly been the case the past few weeks. I don’t have control on when I am going to move or possibly the help I might have. I don’t have control over what my boys do when they are with dad and their new step-mom. I don’t have control over having a place to stay with them yet. And I don’t have control over the type of influence their step-mom and dad have with my sons. I admit. I don’t agree with certain ways my ex-husband and his new wife deal with the boys or what they allow them to do or not do, but they are safe, happy, and healthy little boys, and there are many positive things I could say about the situation and the people involved, but instead I have been focusing on what I don’t like or agree with, and I make sure those who try to state the positive about it know I don’t agree with them. But why? Well, I don’t feel comfortable with the new wife, and I certainly don’t feel positive about not being able to be my children's mom for them every moment of the day and having another woman do things for them that I want to be doing. And I don’t feel comfortable about the fact that they may decide to leave any time, and I don’t seem to have any input or say so about it even though they will be taking my sons with them.
Maybe my mind goes there when I feel like I am not in control of my life. That has certainly been the case the past few weeks. I don’t have control on when I am going to move or possibly the help I might have. I don’t have control over what my boys do when they are with dad and their new step-mom. I don’t have control over having a place to stay with them yet. And I don’t have control over the type of influence their step-mom and dad have with my sons. I admit. I don’t agree with certain ways my ex-husband and his new wife deal with the boys or what they allow them to do or not do, but they are safe, happy, and healthy little boys, and there are many positive things I could say about the situation and the people involved, but instead I have been focusing on what I don’t like or agree with, and I make sure those who try to state the positive about it know I don’t agree with them. But why? Well, I don’t feel comfortable with the new wife, and I certainly don’t feel positive about not being able to be my children's mom for them every moment of the day and having another woman do things for them that I want to be doing. And I don’t feel comfortable about the fact that they may decide to leave any time, and I don’t seem to have any input or say so about it even though they will be taking my sons with them.
There, I’ve said it. I’ve laid it all out on the table. I am allowing those things I don’t have control over to affect my thinking process, to keep me drowning in that half full glass of pessimism. I hate feeling this way, and it makes me want to run away from all this. That was my strongest feeling during my months of depression in the last years of my marriage, the feeling of needing to get away, and it didn’t matter where. It could have been the hospital, just something to get me away from myself and my self-depreciating thoughts and my fears that I was going crazy, and I was not going to make it through. I never want to go there again, and so far, I’ve been able to catch the beginnings of that sort of depression by recognizing when it’s time to flee, not from life as I wanted to before, but from negativity.
Tonight as I prepare for my young students coming to Sunday School in the morning, God is thankfully filling my glass, humbling me, and teaching me a lesson I learned a long time ago, but I don’t always practice, to treat others well. Much of my negativity lately comes from those times of thinking about all the things that bother me and then “venting” to friends and co-workers about others whose opinions or actions I don’t agree with and against those who I feel have slighted me or hurt me in some way, and it’s okay to vent and cry it out sometimes, but it can go from venting to simply “talking trash or gossiping” with no positive end result if not carefully monitored. I have allowed my fears of losing control and my fears of not being the number # mom to my sons to keep me mired in negative thinking, and it’s time to stop. I’m only human, and I can’t always stay positive, but God can, so I’ll ask Him to help me be a good example to those children of someone who always speaks well of people and treats them as they’d want to be treated because if I’m treating others well, it’s the same as treating God well, and who doesn’t want to please God!
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