December 30, 2010- Grawesome Greek Pizza and Grawesome Friends to eat it with!

    All I have to say tonight is thank you Lord for friendship and food, especially my best friend’s Grawesome (my son’s word for great + awesome) Greek pizza! Tonight, she came over for a little girl time and made us the best Greek pizza I’ve ever had.  And she’s the “bestest” friend I’ve ever had, and not because of her professional chef like cooking skills, but for her support of me through the toughest times of my life.  I really could never express to her how much she means to me. I certainly have done nothing to deserve such a blessing as her friendship, but I’m so glad to have it.  I hope someday to be as fabulous a friend to her as she is and has always been to me. Not that I don’t try, but I can’t help feeling like I somehow fall short...Praise and thanks to all those loyal life long friendships out there.  What would our lives be without at least one true friend! :) 

December 29, 2010- Flying by...

    

     Another year is literally flying by now. In a couple of days it will be 2011, and to be honest, not a whole lot has changed in the world since I first began my island years.  Not much has changed on the atoll itself either. There are a few less people, new contractors and remodeled facilities, but everything else continues on as it did when I arrived, which is coming up on 14 years now. Movies and books try to predict a high tech future with robots running everything and humans living in outer space, but I’ve found over the course of my short life so far, that although new technologies are available and new accomplishments are achieved by humans all the time, life itself never changes quite that drastically in such a short period of time.  Yes, life changing events occur, such as death, divorce, moving across the world for a job, getting married and having children, but all of those things require our minds and emotions to adjust to the change, so even though we may change our status on paper or begin living with those changes right away, we still have to go to work, eat, sleep, and continue on with life as is in the meantime. I could say my life has changed drastically over the last 3 years in particular, but it’s not life that’s changed, it’s just my circumstances, such as where I live or my job.  Life itself hasn’t taken any big turns or leaps, the years still take 365 days to complete, my kids still have to move up one grade at a time and still want and enjoy the same things I did when I was a kid.  We still have to work hard to gain an education or job experience to move ahead in life.  Money, time, and the budgeting of them are still an every day consideration and struggle for people. Communication is still key to the success of any relationship, work or personal. Love is still sought out as much as ever, and faith is just as important to our society as it was when the Pilgrims came over from England to establish a community of religious freedom in America.  The next year will bring its share of challenges and major events, that’s for sure, but it’s what we make of that year and how we spend it that counts the most. Let’s make 2011 the best year yet!

December 28, 2010- Another short week...

     Four day work weeks sure are nice, but it’s funny how those three day weekends end up wearing you out more than you expect.  Even my children felt the effects of all that time off at home to just relax. They both laid down in my office floor today with pillows and blankets and took a nice, long nap.  They haven’t both taken a nap in the middle of the day, unless they were sick or had stayed up way too late, in such a long time that I can’t even remember when the last time was! Watching them sleep must have made me doubly tired as I fell asleep reading in bed right after dinner and before 8 pm, but I made myself get back up to take out the dog one last time, put the boys to bed officially, and write my blog.  That said and blog written, although very short tonight, I’m going back to bed! :)  Good night; sleep tight; don’t let the bed bugs bite!

December 27, 2010- Pulling Weeds...

    

     We all have to pull a few weeds in our lives now and again. The yard I inherited used to be filled with big, beautiful plants, surrounded by painted white rocks and stones around every coconut tree and flower bed in both the front and side yards. When I moved in, all that was left was the skeleton white rocks of the former beds along with all the weeds that had begun to pop through the visqueen and take root over the time they had been locked underneath that black blanket of plastic.  I don’t really like to pull weeds, but it looks so much better once I dedicate the time to work on it. I even begin to enjoy the feel of the earth and dirt on my hands as I dig. In the end, the results are certainly more than worth the effort.  Besides, it’s kind of like our lives.  We don’t always want to dig deep inside and pull out the junk inside ourselves to make room for growth and positive change, but if we want to be everything God intended for us to be, then that’s just a part of it...we have to pull the logs out of our own eyes before attempting to take the speck out of someone else’s eye. We have to strip down to the bare bones of who we are, clearing out the dirt of bad choices along the way in order to decide who we want to be and how we can learn from our mistakes.  I grieved for a long time over my mistakes; I beat myself up about them daily, and I carried the shame of my failures on my shoulders and in my heart until it almost destroyed me.  Then, God gave me the strength to make the terrifying decision to move on with my life, to let go of my guilt and live again.  Even weeds can begin to sprout flowers and disguise themselves as something more than a weed, so we have to watch carefully to determine what’s worth holding onto and what we need to get rid of to keep us on the right path. I’ve had to pull a lot of weeds along the way, and weeds being weeds, they will spring up again before I even know it, but as long as I stop now and again to pull them up and plant something else beautiful and worth keeping in their place, I’ll be more than okay. 

December 26, 2010- Household Chores and Amazing Blessings...

    

     With the stores open again today and my favorite handy man around, it was time to take care of all those never-ending household chores, including hanging drapes and the last window covering which just came in the mail as well as trying to figure out the best way to bring the cable from the antennae in the upstairs bedroom down to the den TV. It sure is nice to have an electrician for a boyfriend! :) I never would have been able to do any of this by myself.  In fact, I really didn’t do any of the handy many work myself.  I feel bad every weekend that my sweetheart comes to visit and gets right down to work, but he keeps telling me he enjoys being able to take care of a house and yard again.  It seems that’s one of those traits of men. They often enjoy fixing things, just like women often enjoy cleaning! At least I know I do.  Sounds weird, but it’s therapeutic for me at times.  If I’ve had a hard day, and my mind is overloaded to the point that I simply want to shut it down, but it’s not time to go to bed yet, I’ll wash dishes or vacuum. The mindless act of cleaning which produces such a tangible, visible result of getting something done makes me feel calmer somehow.  I think maybe it’s a similar effect for men with fixing things. It makes them feel needed and useful, and I know it certainly has made all the difference for me in my new home.  It already looks as if I’ve been here quite a while because everything has been put into place so quickly.  In fact, when I had my department holiday party here over two weeks ago, most of the staff could not believe how put together it all was in such a short period of time.  Plus, they couldn’t believe how much stuff I had, but over the last decade plus of my time here, I’ve learned how to store and organize a lot of accumulated stuff into very small spaces. The house just gave me room to actually put it all out to be used again. None of it would have happened without help, and once again, I realize how blessed I am to have someone whom I love with all my heart around to help and spend even the most mundane of days together, especially since I am so far away from my family during the holiday season, and otherwise, I probably would have been spending the day after Christmas alone, missing my children and getting no chores around the house done. :) 

     The distance from loved ones is the only thing I’ve discovered gets harder instead of easier here over time.  You get used to not having access to everything you have in the states, such as a full scale grocery store which is open all hours, museums and cultural events, and even malls to window shop or pick up some every day item that you can’t find on the atoll at all.  You learn how to wait, shop online, or just discover you don’t need it at all, but being away from family only gets tougher.  I have a hard time calling my parents on the holidays because it just makes me sad to be away from them. Coupled with the fact that my boys are not with me right now either, I felt very melancholy this afternoon, but that’s where I turn to the one I love and realize I have what so many seek out their whole lives and are never fully satisfied with, including an idyllic love with a man who treats me so much better than I ever deserved, two beautiful, sensitive kids, parents and family with whom I have very close and healthy relationships, a home of my own, a job I love, and so many more blessings, not because of anything I did, but because of a gracious, loving God who knows exactly what is best for me, and who has been kind enough to grant me all my dreams and more. 

December 25, 2010- A Quiet Christmas...

    

     At approximately a quarter to seven my littlest one opens his bedroom door, portable, re-chargeable nightlight in hand, headed to the bathroom.  While his older brother sleeps, I took the dog out, being sure to let everyone know that no one was allowed downstairs to see what Santa brought until I got back, and we all could head down together.  A short ten minute walk later, both my boys were up and anxiously awaiting the move to downstairs for present time.  In the same tradition as the night before, we opened presents one at a time, youngest to oldest, until we were all through.  Then, I asked my boyfriend if he would make us some French toast, as this is one of the many dishes he is particularly adept at preparing.  One delicious Christmas morning breakfast later and a couple of more hours relaxing and enjoying checking out our presents, I reluctantly sent the boys over to their dad’s for the rest of the weekend. 

     With just the two of us for the remainder of the day, my honey and I had a quiet afternoon. We didn’t even leave the house the entire day, except to walk the dog.  I started a Cranberry Pork Roast in the crock pot around 9:30, and by 7:30 that evening, we were enjoying that plus creamy mashed potatoes, asparagus spears, and a glass of wine.  It was a lovely holiday dinner, just like Thanksgiving.  It is nice to have home cooked meals on the big celebration days once again.  The chow halls here always put on a grand feast, but there’s still something about being at home with friends and family and putting the meal together yourself that makes it even more flavorful and meaningful.  Overall, it was a very quiet, relaxing Christmas, and like always, I can’t believe it’s already over. 

December 24, 2010- All together...

     Finally, all of my boys are back together again in a home of our own. We haven’t spent even a minute with everyone in one place in more than a couple of weeks now, and it feels good. And it’s the first Christmas Eve I’d had with my boys spending the night and waking with mom in over three years. During the last few years, I always had to be prepared to take care of the holiday stuff before or after Christmas when it was my weekend with the kids. Usually, we headed up to Roi with “Santa’s Pack” on my back. Last year, I sent my suitcase of goodies up a day or two early, and it ended up sitting in a wooden and metal crate outside the terminal until my boyfriend was able to pick it up for us, and some little “Roi Rat” friends chewed right though the canvas bag, my oldest boy’s stocking, and finally left only the wrapper of a whole bar of chocolate that Santa had delivered to me early, so I could celebrate the holiday with my children. It was hectic and complicated at times, but always worth it for my babies. This year, I was able to put all the presents under a real tree again and led them through all our family Christmas Eve traditions that we had not always been able to complete in years past.

     First, everyone opened one present, picked out by the kids for Christmas Eve.

Youngest to oldest, one at a time, is the tradition from my Grandmother’s generation to now.  That way, we can enjoy everyone’s presents with them, and we all experience the excitement and joy that comes with both giving and receiving.  Next, we decorated the sugar cookies for Santa, put out 9 baby carrots for the reindeer and sprinkled Magic Reindeer Food on the front lawn and sidewalk (which consists of Quaker oats, sugar, red and green sprinkles so the reindeer can see it lit up by Rudolph’s nose), before getting ready for bed and reading “Polar Express” to wind down for sleepy time.  My oldest was out as soon as his head hit the pillow, but the youngest wouldn’t sit still (as usual), and was still chatting as I was trying to leave the room after our usual prayer time and mom’s songs sung just for her boys.  “Mom, I hope Santa brings me something tonight. I hope I’ve been good.” “Oh, don’t worry about that, son. Just get some sleep now.” “Okay.”  What a darling! This is what makes Christmas worthwhile, the innocence of children and the magic they bring to the holiday season.  Merry Christmas or as they say in Hawaii, Mele Kalikimaka!

December 23, 2010- Last Minute Details...

     Why do we always end up rushing around at the last minute to take care of those holiday details for events that last less than 24 hours? Just like at Thanksgiving when there was a packed house at the grocery store for all those things everyone forgot to get earlier. Most unfortunately for me, I had to get EVERYTHING we needed for the meal (and they were already out of so many basics, such as canned pumpkin for pie) because I wasn’t prepared at all, well, except for the turkey!
     It’s not like we don’t know it’s coming or what we need to do for it. As adults, we’ve been through the holiday multiple times before, so you’d think we’d be ready ahead of time. It turned out to be a good thing that the boys were at their dad’s house last night and tonight, although I do miss them, because I still had to wrap presents (using a glue stick-I ran out of tape and forgot to get more before the store closed-Definitely no 24 hour Wal-Marts around here), pick up a few more little things as well as go get groceries for a Christmas day meal, because literally everything except the beach will be closed on our little atoll.  Whew...Just two more days to go!

December 22, 2010- Silent Night...

     It’s the first time in over 9 nights that I haven’t had at least one of my children here with me, and boy, is it silent.  I don’t like it.  I miss the murmur or sometimes the loud and clear voices of them in the other room. Even the dog noticed. She kept walking from the kitchen to the living room and looking around and waiting for some noise or sign of life. 
     There was a time right after the divorce that I relished the silence. I needed it to pray, to hear myself think, to talk it out with friends, and to heal. I had those boys with me practically every day of their lives until I moved out. It was very rare for me to be away from them overnight, but near the end, I was having trouble even taking care of myself each day, much less two little boys, so it was necessary to have that silent time away from them.  Back then, it was frustrating to me, not to have a place to be with them, but the longer I stayed in that BQ, the more I realized that was part of the plan, to allow me to heal in a safe, quiet, and reflective environment untouched by memories of the boys walking around, untouched by anything to remind me of my previous life, which allowed me to rebuild a new existence, free and clear of the old ghosts and past hurts. 
     I wouldn’t have been able to become the mom, educator, and woman I am without those silent nights. Well, maybe I would have, but it would have taken so much longer.  God knew I needed to be ready to have them back in a house with me sooner rather than later, so He sped up the healing process for me by giving me time with just Him for awhile.  I can see how hard it would have been to stay in this home during those early days without them as it’s still hard now, but I am stronger, and I know they’ll be back with me in a day or two. I know I’ve said it before, but that truly is the hardest part of  broken family life, being away from those you love, not sharing every moment at home with them, but life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned or expected, in fact, it almost never does.  So, it’s time to ask God to show me a new way to live and be content during my silent nights at home, a way to keep growing in this new stage, and I’m sure He will as soon as I settle down enough to listen! :)   
 

December 21, 2010- Comfort Zones...

     We all have our comfort zones, I suppose, but I never really considered how much it matters to some until this past week while taking care of my friend’s dog.  In the span of the past 6 days, my sweet Shih Tzu friend I mentioned coming to stay with me a few days ago has turned out to be not so sweet when taken out of her comfort zone.  To clarify, she has pooped in my children’s room no less than 3 times, peed on 2 different pieces of furniture on two different occasions, barked non-stop when we were away at work and at play to the point that the neighbors complained to me verbally and in writing no less than 3 times, and she torn through some of my yard sale boxes used to block her from getting to the furniture she likes to pee on in the span of less than 3 hours while we were at the movies Sunday night.  She also barks and whines frantically whenever we come in.  One

of the neighbors a couple of houses down was afraid the dog was hurt when she heard us going in the house the other day because she sounded like she was in pain because of the panic she was in when we arrived.

     Unfortunately, nothing I did seemed to help. We gave her treats on the way out the door, left the television with music on, picked her up after school last week and brought her back to the office with us for the last 2 hours of each work day, and walked her no less than 3 times every day, but she was still upset with me.  I feed her twice a day as directed, brush her fur and fix her “hair” (her owners use small scrunchies and bows to pull a section of her fur up and out of her face into a fountain style which reminds me of a hairdo my mom used to create for me when I was little, and to which I had endless days of being called “fountain head” by my big brothers because I looked so adorable, I’m sure), and all three of us pet her and love on her daily, but she is still like a little lost puppy without her owners and her home.  When we are out of our comfort zone, we are scared, lonely, frantic even, and unable to see things clearly. 

     Not having a home for my kids and I to live in together for the past three years was definitely out of my comfort zone as a mom. And even though I did the best I could with what I had to work with and for, I never felt completely at peace. There was always fear, worry, and sometimes even that panicky feeling of anxiety as each weekend I was to spend with them rolled around, and I had to figure out where to take them and how to make sure they were content and happy during out time together, and that the time we had was the best it could be since I couldn’t provide them with their own comfort zone during their times with me. They adapted well, as kids tend to do, but us older folks and animals, don’t tend to adapt as easily. 

     So, after a tense few days and a couple of e-mails and phone calls back and forth between the owners on vacation in the states and the caretakers of the house here on the island, I was able to take my doggie friend back to her comfort zone. She still stays with us at my home overnight, but during the day when we can’t be with her, she is where she belongs.  As soon as we walked in the back door to her place yesterday, she went straight to a floor level air conditioning vent in the hallway by the bedrooms and rubbed her body back and forth across the slats, then she proceeded to go into the den and roll around on the carpet like it was an old friend.  And even through all the stress of the past few days, I understand completely where she’s at. That’s how I feel every day since I’ve moved into a house again.  I haven’t gotten to the point where I am taking it for granted yet. It’s still like a dream to me, and at night when I climb into bed and snuggle down in the covers while seeing myself in all the decorations and things I’ve accumulated over the years carefully arranged in the room, I sometimes giggle to myself out of pure joy. It’s like getting into your very own bed after a long trip. It just feels good to be home again.  Being a mom to my boys, an educator, and a homemaker when I’m off duty is my calling, my comfort zone.    

December 20, 2010- Full Moon Shining...

    

     Walking out my back door with the Shih Tzu in tow for her last potty break of the night, I noticed a brightness above and behind me as I emerge from my covered patio to the back alley.  I look up to see one of my favorite sights during my time on the atoll, a full moon! The best place to view it from is the ocean side where it literally makes the reef glow.  These are the nights that avid crab catchers head out to bag some dinner because you don’t even need to carry a light.  On nights as clear and bright as these, I look up at that great orb of light in the sky, and I can almost feel the movement of the earth as we spin on our axis. I’m not the only one admiring the moon tonight. I meet friends on the road who were out riding around for that sole purpose, to gaze upon the moon.  It’s funny; I don’t remember seeing the moon so close up and so brilliant when I was a child or even as a young adult growing up in Alabama.  It’s probably because I grew up in a city, surrounded by street lights and convenience store fluorescence, but I don’t often recall looking upward with such awe or appreciating its beauty even when we were out in the country visiting relatives, and I had a rare chance to see the stars and the moon more intimately.  Maybe that appreciation and awe part comes with age. I know I appreciate the little things so much more today than I ever did in the past, and I know I spend more time than I would like reminding my kids how easy and responsibility free their life is now, so they better enjoy it because it certainly doesn’t get easier just because your an adult and can drink as much soda as you want and stay up until dawn simply because.  Life gets tedious sometimes, as my mom used to tell me, and I can hear my aunt respond with her heavy accent and all her Southern gumption “ain’t it the truth!” But, the thing I am enjoying most about my life as I age is how much more special everything becomes, how much more wisdom and insight you gain if you’re up for finding it, and how a unique peace settles in with that wisdom as you understand what it’s all about. I don’t wish to go back to being a child and to not knowing how hard life can be, but it does make me desire to do all I can to make my own boys’ “growing up” years the best ever!

December 19, 2010- Scuba Santa and the Parade of Lights!

     If the Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony is considered the event that kicks off the holiday season on the island, Scuba Santa and the Boat Parade of Lights brings us to the height of the celebrations here.  Tonight, we watched, as we’ve done many a year before this, a live Christmas tree float to the surface of the lagoon surrounded by the mysterious glow of green and yellow lights and divers’ bubbles as Scuba Santa emerged at Emon Beach. Once on sand, Santa hands out the glow sticks from the tree and candy, of course! There’s not much to it, and it’s usually a fairly small affair with mostly families attending, but tonight it was paired up with the Boat Parade of Lights, and the beach was packed with chairs, plastic tables, coolers, kids running up and down the sand and general merriment as we all waited for the sun to sink into the rapidly darkening water.  As Santa headed off to his next appointment, the police boat, all decked out with red and green holiday lights floated by in front of us. Next, the kids were all yelling about seeing the “Eiffel Tower” of lights on the first sail boat cruising past with color decorating every mast and surface of the vessel.  There were one or two other boats, similarly arrayed as the first two, and again, for me, it was simply one more year of participation in an island holiday tradition. Who knows...maybe it will be my last, but after living here almost 14 years, I never say never.  Happy Holidays!  

December 18, 2010- My Baby’s Home!

    

     I missed my darling baby so much this week, and he’s finally back home.  It was so good to just love and hug on him tonight, to see his sweet, silly smile and hear his deep, throaty giggle.  He was in excellent spirits, enjoying any and every little thing we did together from walking the dog, watching “Diary of a Worm” and “Frosty the Snowman” to eating cheez whiz and crackers and later chips and cheese (which are about two of the only things he eats anyway), he was so excited about it all. He kept telling his brother, “I’m eating chips and cheese and watching ‘Frosty the Snowman’ with such enthusiasm, I couldn’t help but smile with him.  He’s the pizzazz in my life, even when he’s upset, because it’s always with so much passion and spark! He brings to the table zest and zing and all those other zealous Z words that make him unique. 

     While my youngest is the pizzazz, my oldest is the tried and true loyal companion who warms me from the inside out and makes me feel better when I am sad. With just the two of us, we had a fabulous time this week, enjoying lengthy, insightful conversations (pretty amazing for a 9 year old) and having the opportunity to actually complete our sentences without being interrupted, which was nice. We bonded quietly and consistently as we tend to do, but we still missed the other part of our lively clan.

     So, when our third returned today, we realized he added the necessary energy and life back to the house that we were missing this week.  He’s my “light up any room he walks into,” and “the life of the party” kid, and my oldest is the “melt your heart with his sensitivity” and “never harm a fly” kid.  Obviously, they each have such a special place in my heart, and tonight as I “slaved” over my 15 bean soup for 4 hours (even though I know I’m only making it for myself because neither of them will touch it), I was so, so glad to have them with me. Just being in the same space with them fulfills me and gives me an indescribable peace. 

December 17, 2010- Ebb and Flow...

    

     Only one more day of work before the weekend, and I am exhausted already! This week has dragged by way too slowly for me.  I am ready for a break.  It seems that is about the usual time frame for island fever to start cropping up again.  I’m been here consistently without a trip off since late July now, so we’ve coming up on the 5 month period, and from 6 months on, it will be tough unless I am lucky enough to go off island for a short bit. From the end of October, which begins with my youngest son’s birthday and then Halloween, life speeds up and becomes so chaotic that by the end of December, I’m done for awhile. Why do the holidays always seem to put us into overdrive! There are so many parties, commitments, and traditions to keep going, that it simply wears me out. So many of my fondest memories and most relaxed and truly “tropical paradisy” feelings about living on an island over the last decade come from the summer months.  From scuba diving to relaxing on the beach and hanging out with family and friends, summers on the atoll are my little bit of heaven. One of the biggest reasons for this is the departure of so many people for vacation during this time.  It becomes more of the true “Jimmy Buffet” island lifestyle we all dream of when we are stressed and just want to relax in the sun and sand for awhile because there’s a huge decrease in the number of events, sports, school, work demands, and other commitments, so you can really bask in the advantages of living here.  I know my mom’s favorite time living in a resort beach town in Alabama was when all the tourists and snow birds were out of town.  I understand what she felt totally. It’s so much more peaceful when it’s just the locals enjoying their own bit of sand and surf.  But hey, that’s life. It ebbs and flows, so I will continue to enjoy the flow, knowing the next ebb will come again soon. 

December 16, 2010- A Need for Companionship!

  

   Yesterday, right at lunchtime, a cute, little brown Shih Tzu pranced in my front door with her owner and promptly jumped up on my couch and made herself comfortable! I am dog-sitting my good friend’s dog for the next 14 days or so while they are on vacation in the states for the holidays. I have dog and house sat her before, but only in her own home with her human teenage family too! This time it’s just my son and me, and it’s in my own home, which the dog has never even visited before.  Needless to say, I was a bit concerned how she would adjust to her new surroundings, and I found that she didn’t have any trouble until we left her to go back to school and work for 4 hours after she arrived. Unfortunately, according to my new neighbors, a fair amount of barking went on in the house when the dog was left alone.  Hey, it was her first four hours in a totally new place with a temporary family. Who wouldn’t feel a little bit out of sorts!
     Today, she seems much better, but I also left the TV on for her with music, and I made sure all the shades which would give her a view of outside (and thus things to bark at) were drawn so she couldn’t see what was happening outside, and I don’t think she barked as much, but I really don’t know. So, for now, I am coming to pick her up or sending my son to do so after school each day and bringing her back to my office for the last hour or two, just in case, and last night, we even walked her to the snack bar with us where my son waited outside while I purchased dinner to go.  As long as we are with her, she is as quiet as a mouse. It comes down to a need for companionship, and it is common for all of us, no matter what species or category we fall into in this world! We all get lonely sometimes. We all need someone to come home to and spend quality time with.  I can’t blame her for wanting us to be with her all the time.  I wish I could be with her all the time. I wish my boys could be with me all the time. I wish my boyfriend could just live on the same island even, so we could at least attempt to be together all the time! ;) It’s just the way God made us and animals too! We want and need to have companionship in some form. All I can say tonight is it’s a blessing to be loved and have someone to love. 

December 15, 2010- The Rest of the Story...

    

     After 2 more doctors' appointments, and some unusual tests (like the “wave” as my son called it) performed on his eyes, the specialists determined that my baby does in fact have a cataract! The “whew” news is that it can be fixed, at least partially. Because the cataract has grown on his natural lens, they will have to remove the entire thing and put in a corrective lens, which means he will always be nearsighted or farsighted or whichever one means he won’t be able to read with both eyes unless he has reading glasses. He is already reading with just his right eye, so for now, he can continue to do that, but if he ever wants to read with both eyes, he’ll need those glasses.  It was fun talking to him and hearing his perspective on the tests he had to take.  The “wave” was actually like an ultra-sound or sonogram where they spread that goop on your closed eye, just like on my tummy when I was pregnant with my babies, and then place the wand on his eye so they can see inside.  Apparently, my son didn’t like this part because the goop made his eye stick together so tight, he couldn’t open it once the wand was taken off, and his eye had to be cleaned off before he could open it again.  You’d think since he can’t see out of that eye anyway that it wouldn’t really matter that much, but I guess it’s always a little disconcerting when your brain is telling a part of your body to move, and it can’t or won’t.  Other than that, he is taking it all in stride. They will return on Saturday as scheduled because the surgeon won’t be able to see him until January or February, which means another trip to Hawaii in the near future.  At least we have an answer now, and we know what needs to be done.  And that’s the rest of the story....

December 14, 2010- A Partial Verdict

    

     Last night, my youngest son and his dad left on Continental airlines to head to Hawaii for a doctor’s appointment. We will be finding out once and for all why he can’t see very well in his left eye and whether or not he’ll ever be able to see fully with both eyes again. My oldest and I wanted to go too, but it’s just too expensive to foot the bill for two more of us. The company, of course, would only pay for the patient and one person to accompany him, and it was going to cost around 100,000 miles a piece at this time of year for my oldest and I to go. So, we awaited news for more than half the day today, and finally, a partial verdict.  Since his vision was 20/20 last year in both eyes, it does appear to be a cataract that has grown substantially in the last 12 months.  The next step is to see two different doctors tomorrow to determine if his retina is detached (which is unlikely), and then to see if his receptors are in good enough shape to bring his vision back to normal if surgery is performed to remove the cataract.  This is, for the most part, positive news, and the best news of all is how much the boys miss each other (normally they get along fairly well, but love to aggravate each other as brothers tend to do). I have been surprised by how much quieter the house is with just one of them in it, and dinner table conversations are much less lively, but we did talk to my baby tonight, and he was in excellent spirits and chatted for quite a long time, especially with his brother, exchanging plenty of “I love you’s and I miss you’s.” It’s nice to hear that from them. I hope they always feel that way about each other and are never too “manly” to stop expressing it! More news tomorrow...

December 13, 2010- Yard Work!

    

     I guess I kind of forgot about the yard work that goes along with home owning. It’s not that I am going to complain about it or make a big stink. I was just not fully prepared for it quite yet. I’ve been so focused on making the inside look like a real, permanent home, that I hadn’t even thought about the outside yet.  As the weeds grow higher, I realized I needed to get out there and do something about it.  Actually, my boyfriend reminded me that we needed to do something about it, so it was off to self-help to find out about getting a lawn mower and to pick up a weed eater.  Fortunately, the previous owner had made some nice “flowerbeds” around the many coconut palms in the front and side yards composed of dirt and rocks, but unfortunately, they vacated the place some months ago, so the flower beds were now grass and weed beds, which didn’t look very appealing.  With a tiny, little hand rake, my boyfriend worked to pull up the offending growth while we sorted the brown stuff from the green stuff to toss in a bag for pick up with the trash. We ended up doing this during the hottest part of the day because my boyfriend had to catch a plane back to Roi this evening.  It was not fun, but looking out on the yard now (which still needs some work), it looks much better. It was a good start, and it gave us a chance to come up with ideas for how to make it ours.  It’s nice to have a yard again. I just had to get used to the thought of it!

December 12, 2010- A Weekend Worth A Thousand Memories

    

     A common occurrence on our island is PCS (permanent change of station) parties. Tonight, we said goodbye and happy adventuring to a couple of dive buddies.  If you have been reading my blog since the summer, you will remember a couple of weekends full of dives on Roi with friends and the airplane graveyard.  I’ll always remember those weekends as it was the first time I ever dove three days in a row, and it was the first time (and so far the only time) I’ve ever dove 6 dives (2 dives a day) in a row.  As far as our association with these friends, we have 2 wonderful weekends of diving together.  That’s it.  We intended, but never really had the opportunity, to dive or hang out with them again, but they were assigned to a new duty station in Europe a couple of months later. The interesting thing about it is that weekend was worth a thousand memories to all of us. 

     Our friends will always remember that weekend because diving the airplane graveyard on Roi-Namur was part of their “bucket list” of dives to do, and they loved every second of it.  One of them found a cowry shell (with its owner still in it) sitting in the cockpit of a plane on that dive.  She found that so interesting and darling that she brought up the shell as a memento of the dive, but when we discovered the creature inside, we felt a bit bad about killing it for its home.  Instead, my boyfriend suggested he fill his mask holder with sea water and put the creature in until we arrived back to the Scuba Shack, and she could decide then whether or not she wanted to sacrifice a life for the absolutely beautiful shell and of course, the memory of the dive.  Upon arriving back, I found the creature had pushed out his slimy foot and stuck himself so hard to the mask case, that I could not pull him out unless I used a good amount of force. This convinced our dive buddy to put it back in the ocean since it had such a strong will to live. :) 

     Because that weekend was so special to them, it is even more special to us. We’ve dove the planes many times, but to dive it with buddies who are so enthusiastic and appreciative of the history and unique beauty of that dive made it worth a thousand other dives to everyone on the trip.  These friends have dove places we have only dreamed about, and they will continue to on their newest adventures in their new country of residence. As for me, I’m proud to be part of their repertoire of underwater memories and to be considered a friend! Farewell and we hope to see you again someday.    

December 11, 2010- Good Friends, Good Food, Good Fun!

    

     My new house is now officially broken in. With my first gathering of all the wonderful people I work with for our department’s holiday party, we ate so much scrumptious food, chatted and laughed the night away, and generally let go and had a good time! It was nice to be a host again. It’s been quite a while since I have gotten to do that.  I’ve had so many generous nights of dinner parties, impromptu invites to hang out, house sitting and pet sitting requests over the last few years that I have to take a minute to thank the kind hosts who provided me with places to stay with my children and home cooked meals not available to me without a kitchen to cook in. I still have many more friends to invite over to thank personally by being a host to them, but for now, my written thanks will have to do.  I couldn’t have become a host again in my own home without your support to bring me to this blessed place in my life now. 

     Although, most of you will never truly know how much it’s meant to me that you were willing to share your time, energy, food, and homes with me and my boys, it’s the primary reason I was able to stay here and actually learn to be content and enjoy life in the midst of personal family struggles.  Without you all, I would most certainly have already left this island paradise to start over somewhere else. Because of you, I’ve been able to carve out a new life, career, and forever love in ways I never though possible just a few years ago.  Good friends, fine wine, and life, it all improves with age, as long as we continue to forget what is behind and keep our eyes on the prize, which often is found in daily living if we are only willing to view it with an open heart and mind and of course, a little hope, faith, and love!

December 10, 2010- “O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum!”

     The smell of a Washington Evergreen tree fills my house tonight and makes me want to sing “O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, How Lovely Are Your Branches,” except every time I sing that song, I remember it partially in German and partially in English. :) That’s about all I remember from German class in high school, but I did love that class. Awaiting outside my front door when I arrived back from all my errands after work was not only a live Christmas tree (ordered through the high school students who use the sales as a fundraiser), but also a lovely wreath (from my very own boy scouts).  I’ve never had a live tree before, and I am so excited! I called my boyfriend (who is coming down tomorrow for the weekend) to see if he wanted to help me decorate, and he informed me (being from one of those families who always went out and cut down their own Christmas tree-I always wanted to do that!) that I need to cut the base of the tree first and put it in sugar water. Well, not sure what to cut the base with or how, so for now, my tree is sitting in its stand, bound, awaiting expert help to set it up properly.  I can’t wait to unfold its branches and decorate it tonight. Maybe it seems silly, but as I’ve said before, it really is the little things that make all the difference.  This home, a more positive atmosphere at work, a live tree during the holidays, quality time with your children, those are the things that make life so much richer, at least for me.  It’s not money or fame or power, the size or your home, or the make and model of your car that makes anyone happy and truly content. It’s being with loved ones. It’s enjoying what you have. It’s making the most of your job, whatever it is. It’s growth and positive change, insight, and reflection on how we can reach our potentials and make a difference in the world that gives us a sense of purpose and peace, nothing else. I hope for you this holiday season that you are content in your circumstances, no matter how challenging they may be, that you are operating with a positive mindset through your trials, that you are growing in character and being refined by fire so that you may know what love is, how good life can be, and so that God continue His good work in you. Happy Holidays: joy, peace, and love to you all!
  

December 9, 2010-Spreading Holiday Cheer

     My sons made homemade Christmas gifts for their teachers and family members this year, and tonight we spread some holiday cheer by delivering a gift for my youngest son’s teacher, who will be leaving to go off-island for vacation a little early tomorrow. There’s still a week of school before the break, but this teacher is actually a substitute. We recently found out that my son’s assigned teacher for the year has cancer, and she will be off for several months receiving treatment. As saddening as this news is, we have been lucky to have her good friend, and my older son’s former teacher, substitute for her while she is away, and I wanted to make sure she received a gift of our appreciation for all she is doing, not only for her colleague, but also for our children in her class.
     The teacher who has cancer is a friend of mine as well, and the substitute who is taking over was one of the teachers let go at the beginning of the school year due to budget cuts, so now, the thought that keeps coming to my mind is, “look how amazing God is and how He works everything out for our good.”  The substitute teacher was devastated upon losing her job at the beginning of the year, but God had a higher plan for her, a plan where she could fill a very real need for her good friend and former teaching colleague.  I am so thankful for both of them, and while they are away from our precious island community, my heart is with them for safe travels, healing miracles, and mostly, for God to bring them both back here safely as soon as possible. 

December 8, 2010- The Nameplate!

     Tonight, as soon as I left work, I ran around for 4-5 hours taking care of errands on my list that had been building up for a few days. I tend to leave my errand times for the evenings the boys are with their dad, so that’s when I take care of grocery shopping, picking up mail and mailing off packages and letters, and even searching for household necessities at the convenience store. After all these everyday chores, I had to go to my BQ room once more to do a last clean-up before my final inspection tomorrow.  I took my broom, dust pan, Seventh Generation All-Purpose Cleaner, and my rag and garbage bag up three flights of stairs for the very last time, and on my way back home, I was greeted with a surprise. I walked to the BQ since it’s basically right across the street, so I was headed back to the front door on my way home (To clarify, I usually ride my bike and pull in back, so I can keep my bike dry under the patio cover). As I neared the front path turning into my door from the sidewalk, I noticed my name plate with my first initial and last name had been added underneath my house number that day. This brought a wide grin to my face. Even my neighbors, who have been in their house several months now, do not have a name plate yet.  It made it all so very real to me.  I’ve never had a house with my name on it.  The houses I lived in previously always had my ex-husband’s name as he was the one with the accompanied, housed contract.  All I can say is that it felt really good, good to be standing on my own two feet and providing for my family the way I’ve always wanted to, finally!   

December 7, 2010- Uneventful Tuesday with the Garfield Mondays...

     When the beginning of the week rolls around (which is Tuesday for our island), I often think of Garfield and his Monday blues, especially after a good weekend that I don’t want to see end. Garfield was my favorite comic book growing up, and in fact, I still have all the “treasuries” I collected, and they are enjoyed now by my oldest, proving Garfield the Cat is timeless. Point being, Garfield hates Mondays and tries to stay in bed rather than get up because something bad always seems to happen to him on Monday.
     The good thing about my “Monday” is that I don’t actually dread going to work. I enjoy it, even on the tough days.  I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing at this juncture in my life, and I have no doubts or regrets about the path my life has taken. In fact, that path, as twisted and convoluted as it’s been at times, has made it possible for me to be who I am and follow my passions in life.  I didn’t always feel this way, but God has matured me greatly through the trials and tribulations of my short time on Earth, and I’m sure there’s still a long refining process to complete, but I am content with where I am and who I am at the moment.  That sure is a good feeling, even on an island “Monday.” Unfortunately for my blog readers, an uneventful Monday makes for an uneventful read. Not much to say today. I worked; I played with my kids; I ate, and now I am ready for bed. I suppose some days are just like that, and that’s okay. It’s nice to have a day without feeling I am part of a never ending soap opera. It’s nice to feel normal again...

December 6, 2010- Home Sweet Home!

     Now that I’ve spent one whole weekend washing dishes, taking care of laundry, “spring cleaning” old baskets, file folders, and bins of stuff on my list to sort through, and finally decorating for the holidays and making Gingerbread cookies in my very own kitchen, I think I can finally call this place my “home sweet home,” at least for a little while.  This is the first weekend, I have not had to move a thing or unpack any boxes, and that is heavenly.  It was fun to get the Christmas decorations out, watch Christmas movies with the kids, make cookies, and even create some special gifts for teachers and family and not have to pack it up before school started tomorrow or drag it back to my BQ in a few days.  I finally have a place to comfortably do all the things I love to do with my children.
     I believe I am a homebody at heart as I do love just being in my home or my family’s homes.  I’m definitely most comfortable at home.  I can take my shoes off, relax on the couch, take care of the every day business of life, and not feel the pressure of anyone waiting to meet or talk with me or needing my help in the classroom.  I can just be me, annoyed at my children’s loud voices at times or making a grand mess in my kitchen with the flour for the gingerbread dough that turned out much sticker than it was supposed to be, and that’s okay. It’s my domain.  And I have to admit, it sure it nice to have a domain again, and not one that exists solely online! ;)
     I’ve waited for this to come to pass for a long time, thinking as I wished and prayed for it, “what if the house is not enough either?” Even asking myself, “am I one of those pessimistic people who is always going to find some other reason not to be completely satisfied in my circumstances no matter how spoiled I actually am?” Thank goodness that has not been the case. This place with my children is worth every extra hour at work, every night away from them, every frustration and hurdle I jumped to get to it because as much as I am a homebody, I became much more than that the day God blessed me with children. I am a mother above all else, and there’s no higher calling than that. A mother without a home and way to provide for her children is like a camp without a campfire. It makes it very difficult to provide warmth and light to your family, and there’s no gathering place to tell stories and share memories together. 
     With the strength of God and some very special people in my life, I was able to bring my boys through the last 3 years with light, warmth, and a place to be together, although the place rotated frequently and was never ours, but now I can rest a bit more. I can let go of the constant worry and guilt of not being able to fully be a mom to my children all the time.  I have a peace I haven’t felt in a long time...as I type from my own home, just a few feet from my two precious sleeping boys in their room at the top of the stairs.  Home sweet home...there’s nothing like it.  

December 5, 2010- A Christmas Story...

     Tonight, the boys and I went to see the “classic” Christmas Story movie with Ralphie and his Red Ryder BB Gun that he so desperately wanted for Christmas. It’s such a down to earth portrayal of one family’s middle class holiday season in the United States, and my favorite part is the narration from Ralphie as an adult.  I suppose everyone has their stories from family get togethers and life growing up, but Ralphie’s is told with a ton of humor and warmth, and so much so that you can’t help but love each member of his family in their own unique way and despite their idiosyncrasies. 
     I hope my children will look back on their childhood with such insight and humor as well as that same good measure of fondness.  I know I feel that way when it comes to my childhood. My favorite memories of Christmas come with the eve of Santa’s arrival when we would gather with just our immediate family and open one present together, one at a time, so we could all enjoy the gifts given. I still abide by this rule, to open presents one at a time from youngest to oldest as it really brings home the spirit and meaning of the holiday, which is one of giving and receiving and being thankful for times spent together in quiet reflection and peace.  There’s no rush when you are opening one at a time. There’s not cacophony of ripping paper so loud you have to raise your voice to be heard above it. There’s just patience and enjoyment of everyone’s gifts, instead of just focusing on your own.  It brings the center back to family and away from the growing consumerism of the holidays.
     My second favorite memory is of sneaking downstairs on Christmas morning and standing at the top of the three wooden stairs into our sunken den to try and get a peak of Santa’s goodies.  My brothers and I all knew better than to actually step foot into the den without our parents, and Santa knew not to place gifts near the stairs where they could be seen easily, so it became part of the routine...give mom and dad a few extra minutes of sleep while building our own excitement for the morning ahead.  Then, there was waking mom and dad up, getting down to business, and having a leisurely breakfast together afterwards.  The best part of it all is being able to pass these traditions down to my children. I love sharing special family time with my boys as I still love Christmas and believe in its spirit as much as I ever did and having them gives me an excuse to be that little girl anticipating Santa’s arrival once again!  

December 4, 2010- Island Style Christmas Tree Lighting

    

     For the past 43 years, Kwajalein has held an annual tree lighting ceremony on the first Saturday in December. This is the big event to start off the holiday season for our tiny island community.  I’ve watched this event evolve from the real pine tree imported here to the front of the Yokwe Yuk club which was trimmed to fit the typical Christmas tree mold and decorated with large ornaments, tinsel, and lights to a fake tree set up outside the mini-mall area decorated with ornaments purchased and hand painted by resident families to this year’s newest and most truly island style coconut palm tree ordained delicately with lights running around and around the trunk to trickle down and off each palm frond at the top, sort of like a holiday umbrella.  The event actually kicks off with the arrival of Santa, who in the past has always arrived by the Roi commuter plane, but this year, he pulled up in a boat off the magnificent Pacific, which seemed fitting for an island Santa.  After the candy laden Santa greets the children lined up to see him, St. Nicholas gets onto the Santa Mobile (a large flat bed truck) and rides to the down town area while the “Wheel Walkers” protect the children running by the vehicle who are grabbing candy pinged at them by the Elves on the truck.  Sounds strange and maybe a little dangerous, but the kids love it!

     Once everyone makes it to “downtown Kwaj,” there’s an official ceremony which has also evolved over the years, but has always included a welcome, prayer, Jr./Sr. High School band and choir performances, and this year, the Girls Scouts singing, the hula dancers telling stories with their hands, and my boys as part of the hip-hop group taught by their PE teacher (a Caucasian women who is very good at being gangster and choreographing some very cool routines for a group of mostly boys, who would probably never dance otherwise). I was proud of my babies as this was their first performance in front of the entire community at this annual ceremony, and all they kept saying afterwards was, “That was so fun!”  They are now officially on record as participants in this long standing Kwaj tradition.  Island boys they are and no matter what, probably always will be.  

December 3, 2010- All You Need is Love...

     The other night, the boys and I were reading from a Daily Bible for Kids that I gave them for Christmas last year that we haven’t had a chance to actually get through yet, and the passage was the one on love from 1 Corinthians 13. This is one of my favorite passages from the Bible. It makes it all sound so simple.  It defines love exactly, and then reminds us that in the end, love is all you need and above all else.  Working with young children the past couple of years has really drilled this home for me more than anything else I’ve ever done in life. So often, when a child is upset or acting out, instead of allowing it to frustrate you or practicing a stricter form of discipline with them, it comes down to just loving them to help them gain perspective and settle down for awhile.  As a teacher, obviously, you can’t solve all their problems, but you can gather them up and hug them or speak to them in a calm, loving voice and ask what’s wrong. You can try to understand how they are feeling and comfort them, even when nothing they are doing makes sense to you.
     The world is such a scary place, and I’ve learned that so many children don’t receive enough of that simple form of love through hugs and comforting words or even an adult in their lives who truly listens to them, so if I can help be that for them, I will. I get frustrated too sometimes, and I want to throw a temper tantrum as well, and I know what helps me the most during one of those times is for someone I care about to come to me, talk with me, offer a hug if necessary, and let me know it’s all going to be okay.  That’s love: patient and kind. Love does not envy nor boast, and is not proud.  Love does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking nor easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

December 2, 2010- A Stomach Full of Butterflies

     Tonight, my oldest son performed as a newscaster in his third grade holiday musical.  The Kindergarten through third grade all have one musical play a year, the K-1st grades combine for a show around May, and the 2^nd- 3^rd grades always perform in December. This may be one of the last musicals I’ll see my son in because next year they start going to band and choir instead of whole class musicals, so unless he gets into performing theatrically in his teenage or adult years, it’s another sign of how quickly time passes and how much he’s growing up. He will be in upper elementary school next year, and I’ll probably become not so cool to hang out with anymore, although I hope not.
     I’ve really enjoyed spending these years so close to my son, not only in terms of our close relationship, but also in terms of working and living as close as any island community does.  Unlike other parents who work outside of education, I have had the privilege of being intimately involved in school activities since he was in preschool due to my career in the field, and I am thankful for that too.  I love to watch my sons grow, and it also reminds me of what it’s like to be a kid, so I can relate better to them when there’s a challenge in their lives. For example, tonight and actually the past day or two, my oldest has had an upset stomach, but with no real indication of why. When he started complaining about it after school today and told me that he was excited and nervous about performing tonight (as he had more lines in this play than he has ever had before, and he forgot one or two during the dress rehearsal performance for the school yesterday), I realized EXACTLY what it was.  He just had a stomach full of butterflies.
     I performed a lot growing up, especially for the church, up in front of the entire congregation singing solos for the special music.  I always started out with a slight shakiness to my voice, and I could feel my whole body trembling as those butterflies stirred about, but once I got going and realized I was going to do fine, my voice strengthened, and it never kept me from wanting to perform.  Now, I am so used to be up in front of people of all ages because of my teaching experience that I don’t usually have butterflies.  Sometimes I wish I did though because there’s also such a thing as being too comfortable and saying too much or not in the way you intended.  Bottom line, I remember what those butterflies feel like, and I was excited and nervous for my son due to my own memories of that time in my life.
     When we are little, everything else around us seems so large and bigger than life. I remember seeing my PE teacher from elementary school years later when I was grown, and I couldn’t believe how small he was.  He was always so tall and such a presence in my school life.  Later, he was just a man, no larger or smaller than any other.  He is still a really neat, fun-loving teacher, but just a man, not the Super Hero of Physical Education I remember. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself about the boys as they grow up, that things which seem like minor issues to me as an adult, sometimes really feel like the end of the world to my kids.  Comfort them, encourage them, maybe help them realize that it’s not the “be all end all,” and stay calm when they are not. That’s the most important thing I’ve learned. Don’t ignore or discount what they are feeling, just let them feel it, knowing it’s a part of growing up that won’t last forever, for either of you.   

December 1, 2010- It’s December Already? Where did the year go?

    

     Another year of life is coming to a close this month, and I don’t even have time to catalog it.  Sorting through the last of my boxes and bins the past few days, I discovered tons of scrap booking materials, along with many packages of photos not yet put in pictures books.  I also found basket weaving, soap making, and various other craft supplies, and I wondered, “How did I ever have time to do all this?” Life changes quickly sometimes as my mom always says, and boy did it!  All of a sudden the photo albums of my boys just stop, and I don’t even remember what was happening that year when I no longer had time to devote to it, and since then, we have gone to all digital photos, and I don’t even print them out anymore.  At any rate, I decided to pass on the craft making kits to someone who could use them a lot more than me, but I held onto all the scrap booking materials and placed the albums and photos in a prominent storage location near the vacuum (which, hopefully, I will be using frequently), so I can get back to that someday.  Photos are the one thing, besides writing, that captures life at the moment, including all the feelings, trends, youth, and age, and that brings back the memories of that very day, and that’s something I don’t want to leave behind in last year, but preserve for the future and for my family.