It’s the first time in over 9 nights that I haven’t had at least one of my children here with me, and boy, is it silent. I don’t like it. I miss the murmur or sometimes the loud and clear voices of them in the other room. Even the dog noticed. She kept walking from the kitchen to the living room and looking around and waiting for some noise or sign of life.
There was a time right after the divorce that I relished the silence. I needed it to pray, to hear myself think, to talk it out with friends, and to heal. I had those boys with me practically every day of their lives until I moved out. It was very rare for me to be away from them overnight, but near the end, I was having trouble even taking care of myself each day, much less two little boys, so it was necessary to have that silent time away from them. Back then, it was frustrating to me, not to have a place to be with them, but the longer I stayed in that BQ, the more I realized that was part of the plan, to allow me to heal in a safe, quiet, and reflective environment untouched by memories of the boys walking around, untouched by anything to remind me of my previous life, which allowed me to rebuild a new existence, free and clear of the old ghosts and past hurts.
I wouldn’t have been able to become the mom, educator, and woman I am without those silent nights. Well, maybe I would have, but it would have taken so much longer. God knew I needed to be ready to have them back in a house with me sooner rather than later, so He sped up the healing process for me by giving me time with just Him for awhile. I can see how hard it would have been to stay in this home during those early days without them as it’s still hard now, but I am stronger, and I know they’ll be back with me in a day or two. I know I’ve said it before, but that truly is the hardest part of broken family life, being away from those you love, not sharing every moment at home with them, but life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned or expected, in fact, it almost never does. So, it’s time to ask God to show me a new way to live and be content during my silent nights at home, a way to keep growing in this new stage, and I’m sure He will as soon as I settle down enough to listen! :)
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