September 20, 2010-Mondays and Monarchies

     In the states, Monday is traditionally the start of the work and school week, and often bad luck, rainy weather, and generally having a rough day are associated with it as we are all coming off of the high of the weekend, and the next weekend is as far away as it can be for those of us who work regular 5 day a week schedules. Because we are across the International Date Line and live on an American military base, we have a Tuesday-Saturday work week to coincide with the states, unlike all the other Marshall Islands who work Monday-Friday. As I’m sure you’ve figured out already from reading previous entries, that’s one of the many ways Kwajalein and Roi-Namur are extremely unique and like no other place in the world. Another place that is very unique yet intricately connected to the United States is Hawaii.

     Today, I spent a relaxing afternoon reading and watching movies. One of the movies was pretty disappointing, but the other, was extremely fascinating and dealt with the tumultuous history of the royalty of Hawaii in the last days of their Monarchy. “Princess Ka’iulani” is the story of the last princess of the Hawaiian islands, and her struggle to try and save what was left of the native tradition and spirit of the islands before and after the country’s “annexation” to the United States. Hawaii is one of the stop overs all Kwajalein and Roi-Namur residents have to make in order to get to Kwajalein. You have to spend the night on your way out because the one flight that leaves from Honolulu to Kwajalein 3 times a week leaves only at 7 am. On the way back to the states, the one flight that departs 3 times a week leaves at 6 pm, so you don’t get to Hawaii until 2 am their time, and no flights depart at that time for the mainland.
     At any rate, because of our proximity to the Hawaiian islands and the numerous times most residents are required to visit there on their way through, many of us feel like more than tourists, and the “aloha spirit” still so alive and well there today makes it a favorite vacation spot, even for sudo island residents like us. In all my years visiting there, I have always wanted to visit the Iolani Palace, the only palace in the United States, but I still haven’t made the time. Seeing the movie just made me want to go even more to pay respect to the Hawaiian royalty who so graciously welcomed the United States and so many others to their beautiful land despite the fact that our “annexation” of their islands to the U.S. was more of a governmental overthrow than it was a welcome prospect to the natives.
     These traits of generosity, kindness, acceptance, and handling themselves with tremendous dignity and grace must be genetic to Pacific peoples as the Marshallese are much the same way, and it’s definitely something you don’t associate with two historically monarchal societies. Even after having foreigners use their atolls for testing of nuclear bombs and taking over some of their best islands for use as missile defense testing bases as well as one of the world’s largest lagoons as a net to catch these missiles, they are one of the most gracious cultures I’ve ever had the privilege of working for and with. No matter what, they appreciate those outsiders who take the time to get to know them and become involved in their communities, looking for the positive in each difficult situation and handling challenges with grace, flexibility, and compromise when necessary, just as the Hawaiians did under the extreme stress they experienced during their annexation and still today through their thriving tourist industry and careful preservation of their culture and traditions. That’s part of the beauty of living on an atoll, sharing your lives with others who are different from you and learning from them how to appreciate life, individuality, and the uniqueness of our world.

September 19, 2010-Knowing When to Abort

     I had high hopes of diving with my sweetheart today and finding "our" LCM, then coming home to report all about it in this blog, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be, at least not yet.  Before even leaving the dock at the Scuba Shack, I noticed my BCD strap that goes around the tank was twisted. I've had that BCD for over 10 years, so I figured I would have noticed if it was twisted previously, so in my infinite wisdom and experience with Scuba Pro BCDs, I attempted to fix it. It turns out that it was put together wrong in the factory, and the twist was put in there purposely to make it work as it should. My patient dive partner graciously sat on the boat and tried to help until we both started to feel nauseous. Remember, we are still at the dock, and the boat it rocking so much we are feeling sick.  This was to be the first sign that the afternoon would not go as planned and hoped for.  We took the BCD on land, and my boyfriend was finally able to fix what they apparently could not correct in the factory, and I could now operate my BCD the way I should have been able to from day 1.
     By the time we got back in the boat, we had already lost a good amount of time, meaning we might only be able to fit in one dive instead of two.  In an effort to speed things up, we started up the boat and pulled away from the dock on our way to the Lost Tank dive site where we originally discovered the LCM.  During the ride, I completed getting my gear ready to go. This includes hooking up my BCD and regulator to the tank and turning the air on.  My computer has had a little glitch since the beginning in that it takes over 15 minutes to register the full amount of air in my tank on the digital computer screen. We've sent it in for servicing, and it still came back the same.  It's not been a problem or safety issue as far as diving, just a pain because it takes so long to register the correct amount of air.  This time, as I turned on the air and checked my dive computer screen, something didn't seem right to me.  It was loading unusually slow, but it was registering that air was in the tank, so I figured maybe I just needed to be more patient and stop watching it load.  I didn't say anything to my boyfriend as we were already getting off to a rocky start with the dive, and I really thought it would be fine.  This was to be the second sign that something wasn't right today.
     Once we hit the site on the GPS, we threw in anchor and swiftly began dragging in the sand.  After pulling up the anchor and repositioning the boat, we tried again, without success, I might add. Now, all of this throwing in the anchors and then driving the boat forward to pull up the anchors again can be quite time consuming, especially when I have to drive the boat as I am not very adept at it yet. To top it all off, it was windy and choppy on the water.  Neither of us had taken any seasickness medicine, and we'd had little to eat since breakfast, so this was not a good thing on our tummies. We really just wanted to get in the water.  I figured the third attempt would be a charm, and it was to some extent.  We were still dragging a bit, but not too fast, so if we hurried and got in the water, we could get down to the bottom and re-set the anchor to a better place and finally dive as we'd been wanting to do all afternoon. Unfortunately, sign number 3 cropped up about this time.  As I got my gear together and my boyfriend was just about to flip into the water, I checked my slow loading computer.  It was stuck at a little over 1000 PSI. A full tank like the one I had hooked up to my computer, would read 3000+ PSI. We checked the tank before leaving, and this is what it had in it, so something was seriously wrong with my computer. Since it was a deep dive, it would not be safe for me to dive with a computer that was registering only 1000 PSI, and I didn't bring my old back-up computer. It  was time to abort the dive. There were just too many signs, my boyfriend said, we were not meant to be in the water today.
     I was terribly disappointed, but everyone has days when nothing seems to go right, and it would have been better to stay in bed.  We tried to make the most of it, though, by heading back to the Scuba Shack and enjoying the lunch my sweetie had made for us while relaxing by the beautiful Pacific, and as we sat and discussed all the things that went wrong, it made me remember something I had been reading in a book on the plane that morning.  The book is called "Surviving Paradise: One Year on a Disappearing  Island" by Peter Rudiak-Gould, and it's about a World Teach volunteer's life on Ujae atoll in the Marshall Islands.  In it, he describes how he went sailing on a traditional Marshallese outrigger canoe.  The Marshallese way still permeates our everyday lives here on Kwajalein and Roi-Namur, although maybe not in such an extreme way as we would experience living on an outer island like many of the World Teach volunteers.
     For example, the marina rental boats here constantly have engine problems. When we let the Marshallese marina manager and attendants know about the problems, they will show and tell us tricks for how to make it work better, such as revving the throttle a few times before putting it into full gear. This is just like the outrigger canoe sailors on Ujae, who figured out a way to rig the mast back up using only the ropes they already had with them on the boat.  They are so used to doing without certain luxuries, such as the money and actual resources to fix things that are broken that they automatically go to alternate ways of dealing with the situation, and they are not easily rattled or angered by these situations, like Americans tend to be. We are used to having everything and having it in relatively short order.  We are used to being able to take our problems to someone and have them fix it properly because that's what expected in a powerful, rich, highly infra-structured country like the US.  But there are many things to learn from the Marshallese, such as laughing at the little annoyances of life and figuring out a way to make things work until we can find a better or more effective, long-lasting solution. The island way of making do with what you have and not letting it take away your enjoyment of life is what I remembered when dealing with my own insignificant American frustrations today.  No, life on the atoll is not always idyllic, but it has its advantages, and after more than a decade here, the ways of the island have become as much a part of my heart and mind as the island itself has become my second home.

September 18, 2010- Weekend Bliss!

     My two boys, who are only 6 and 8 years old, have already learned to appreciate the coming of the weekend.  It’s not that they don’t enjoy school or all the other myriad of after school activities and sports they participate in, but weekends are just so liberating. There’s a more relaxed schedule; you can sleep in and just lie on the couch and watch TV all day if you want, and there’s plenty of time to spend with friends doing the things you love to do.  This week, Saturday came around pretty quickly, as we were so busy that we didn’t have time to think about what day it was before it was over and time to get ready for tomorrow, but that doesn’t make the coming weekend any less appealing to us all. 
     I will be heading back up to Roi-Namur tomorrow to do some diving and spend some much needed time with my honey.  Work has been so hectic for both of us the last week or so that we hardly had a chance to even chat or catch up on our lives.  The boys will be with their dad this weekend, spending some much needed time in their own beds since they’ve been with me in our friend’s home off and on for the past weekend and throughout the week.  It’s simply not as relaxing for them to be out of the only home they’ve ever known, and I understand that. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight too. 
     So, the weekend is off to a good start, getting some much needed rest and looking forward to new adventures to share with you tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll be able to add to our Lost Tank dive discoveries or at least write about the fantastic underwater world I am so lucky to be allowed to dive in and enjoy.  It’s all part of life on an atoll, where Sunday and Monday are the weekend days, but our week days are no less chaotic than the rest of the world.  So, goodnight, sleep tight, and I hope you too experience weekend bliss!  

September 17, 2010- Waiting and Walking in Faith

     I suppose we all go through times in our lives when there are more questions than answers. The past few years have been that way for me, and at first, it was very frustrating and at times, very depressing. I didn’t cope well with not having all the answers. I needed to be able to see into the future and to control it, and I simply couldn’t.

     As I have grown in maturity and faith, I have learned to wait and walk in faith and become content with that, as least much more content than I used to be. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. Believe that everything is going to work out and wait for a change, wait for things to ease up, or wait for an answer to reveal itself. It is definitely an exercise in faith because what else do you have to go to when you don’t have the answers, and you cannot control the circumstances or the outcome?
     I remember reading in so many devotionals in the beginning of my most recent trials that God wants to carry our burdens for us, and when you can truly give over those burdens and depend on Him entirely, those troubles and unanswered questions become so much easier to deal with. Unfortunately for me, at the time of those studies, I was so wrapped up in trying to solve my own problems, and so attached to living with the problems, it was like having another child to care for in my life. Because of this, I could not hand them over to God, but eventually, I became too tired to carry them, and as stubborn as I am, I had to let go. I didn’t have enough strength on my own, and there was no solution, so I was tearing myself apart for nothing. 
    I think that’s probably one of the most detrimental parts of our human nature, that we feel the need to control everything and handle everything all on our own.  The problem with this is we often become obsessed with controlling not only our lives, but others as well, and that usually brings more trouble than anything. As Americans, I suppose we are raised to be very independent and not ask for help, which can lead to these control issues because if it’s all our responsibility, then we learn not to depend on anyone and who else will take care of it if we don’t control everything in our lives?
     But, I think control is also genetic.  Take my youngest son, for example, since the day he was born, he’s wanted to be in charge and control of everything.  At 3 months old, he sat in my mom’s arms screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night for his milk when there had never been a day in his life I hadn’t provided what he needed when he needed it. Today, it’s the little things, like taking his plate to the table and placing it exactly where he wants it or being the one to tell us when he needs to go potty instead of being told by someone else to go try.  He wants to be the one in control of it all, and at times, I find it very stressful, for him.  I am working on teaching him to relax about those little things because life will only become much more difficult if he continues to approach it by trying to control it.  I might have thought all children were this way if I hadn’t already raised a little boy for two years before he came along, and my oldest is very different. He still wants to be in control of certain things, but it’s not the same as his brother. 
     Point being, needing and wanting control over our lives is basic human nature, for some more than others, but present in everyone.  The awesome part is that as humans we also have free will, the ability to make choices, and the ability to reflect, gain insight into ourselves, and change and improve those parts of our selves we sometimes allow to rule our lives over everything else.  Thank God for faith and for someone and something to put it in.  Giving up my obsession with controlling my life has been one of the most liberating things I have done and do, sometimes daily, as it’s easy to slip back into old thinking patterns and start trying to control again until the stress sets in, and I realize what I’m doing and let go once more. 

September 16, 2010-Book Club Night!

     I don’t remember the first book club meeting I attended or the first book read for that meeting because book club has become as integral a part of my island life as the unchanging seasons and substituting items from my original dinner recipes due to missing ingredients at the store.  Although some of the people in the club have changed, and the books have certainly run the gamut in genres the past 12 years I’ve been involved in it, the purpose, enthusiasm, and monthly discussion sessions which keep us all reading and attending are the same! So, tonight, I look forward to the first book club meeting of the 2010-2011 season. 

     It has always run really smoothly according to the simple plan of reading 9 books a year and discussing them at monthly meetings, taking the summer months off. Each month we meet at one club member’s house and enjoy appetizers, desserts or sometimes a whole dinner, along with a glass or two of wine and fabulous conversation. The best thing I’ve discovered about it over the years, and I believe this goes for everyone in the club, is the diversity of the group.  Most of the ladies involved do not hang out regularly or even see each other all that often outside of the monthly meetings, and on an island less than 3 miles long, that’s a pretty big deal.  Sometimes the isolation gets to you, and the fact that you can’t even go to the store after work without seeing and greeting half the community which you’ve just seen at work or at the kid’s sports games, gets a little old.  Sometimes you just want to be anonymous. But book club, like reading books to get away, brings us out of that rut.  It helps us escape everyday life, enjoy “new company,” and immerse ourselves in the adventures we’ve just finished enjoying in the written word instead of complaining about the troubles of living on a small town “Americanized” atoll. 

     I don’t always finish the books each month as life and work get in the way of my reading habits, but I still try to attend each meeting for the good company of friends and of course, the yummy homemade goodies. Surprisingly, it’s easy to get overscheduled living here as there’s so many volunteer opportunities, activities, events, pot-lucks, and more you can get involved in thinking you have so much more time here than in the states until you’ve filled up all your times and have none left. That said, book club is top priority for me. If I have to give up another activity because it will take away too much from my at home reading time or book club, I’ll give it up because reading is something that nourishes my intellect and my soul in a way not many other activities can do, and if we don’t make time for what we love, pretty soon, we won’t love anything anymore, and our lives and attitudes towards others and ourselves will show it.  So, I hope that you will take the time tonight to do something you love, simply because you love it! :)       

September 15, 2010-Challenges, Communication, and Collaboration

    

I have to say that training for a job in a department I have worked for previously and in which I have lived surrounded by the small island community it encompasses for the past 13 makes the transition in some ways much harder than I anticipated. Isn’t that the way of life? We always think we are prepared for what we are walking into, but when we get there, it’s always more challenging than expected.  When I begin a new job, I jump in running and immediately asking the questions of what, where, when, how, and why in relation to how the job works and the tasks I can take on right away and devote 110% to doing the very best I can to ensure everything is being accomplished in the most efficient and effective manner and with a positive, go-getter, problem solving attitude.  That’s just me, and today, I struggled with having a clear picture of how I will be able to immediately contribute to my new position in this way, how I will help resolve certain problems or issues, and how I can devote myself enthusiastically to a job that I have no doubt I can do, but for which I don’t know where to start. 

         

We are in the middle of a transition on the atoll, and the department I am going to work for has just suffered a great loss of a central employee and leader through the reduction in force which occurred at the beginning of the month, and they are now welcoming in new employees not just for positions recently vacated voluntarily, but also to help carry the load of what has been lost in manpower, so I need to “slow my roll,” so to speak.  I am coming in with all my ideas and my thoughts for how I can immediately jump in and help carry the load and be a positive addition with handling any necessary changes, and I’ve forgotten to allow everyone to get used to me being there first, used to me taking on the role of a colleague who’s been with them for several years now. So as much as my communication and collaboration are strong points, if I forget to listen to the heart of the organization and the people in it now, in the midst of this great transition time for them, why would they have any desire to listen to me and my ideas to help and collaborate with them later?

     So I will take a step back tomorrow, recognizing my nervous anxiety about the upcoming position has caused me to approach things in a “jumping the gun” type manner and instead I will just soak it all in. This may mean simply reestablishing relationships with my co-workers and making sure that the duties which do not change during this restructuring will be handled as if there was no change in employee to ease the transition as that is what’s best for everyone, not just me, and that’s what communication and collaboration is about, allowing everyone to participate in the conversation and working together to deal with the everyday challenge of running and sustaining a department on a tiny atoll in the middle of the Pacific.    

The fact that I don’t know where to start is frightening and overwhelming to me.  And yes, this is typical with a new job, but this is a job that I have talked about moving into for years, a job where I already knew the duties more fully than any other job I’ve come into cold turkey, a job that I have been told more than once that I am “perfect for.”  So tonight, when I considered what I would write my journal about, I decided that I need to write in a more positive tone than my mind has been in for the past couple of days. Writing has always helped me to move from my negative thought processes to a more positive outlook, so it’s time to make that move.  I need to stop worrying about what I’m not sure about, what I’m unclear about, and start focusing on what I know I’m good at, which is communication and collaboration.  These are the two tools which will help me the most in facing the challenges of my new job. With communication, I am able to talk about those things that I need help with and with collaboration, I can come up with a plan to tackle the challenges and not have to do it alone.

    

The other thing I need to remember is that change is difficult, for everyone involved, and not only are things changing for me in my schedule and in some ways, my every day life, but for all those I am working with and for now.  To help me remember this, I only need to spend an hour or two with my youngest child, who can be shaken so easily by transitions and change of the smallest sort, just like last night where the tears began flowing over the fact that there was no macaroni and cheese left when he had been told there was.  Instead of being flexible and realizing that there was no shortage of food, and he could easily choose another food item to eat if he was still hungry, it was the principal of change that threw him for a loop. That’s not what he was expecting, so it upset him, Over the years, I’ve learned that during the times when I can’t prepare him ahead of time for a transition or change, I simply need to give him a few extra minutes to process and adjust, and he’ll be fine. I think this is where I’ve failed the last couple of days at work. I haven’t allowed myself and my new co-workers the time to adjust to the changes before attempting to introduce more.

September 14, 2010-Brain Mush!

     Tonight, my brain is mush.  For once, a topic to write about is just not there, not coming to mind.  There’s plenty of things swirling around in my head, but nothing that I feel I can adequately put into words that would make any sense to my readers.  It’s like trying to describe a dream to a friend, you know, one of those dreams where one minute you’re swimming in the ocean with friends and the next you’re flying in an airplane with strangers, and finally you’re back at home with people who you know but that don’t look like they do in real life.  That’s where my brain is right now, going in a bunch of different directions without one clear topic to ponder for more than a minute or two. 

     For example, I started training for my new job today; I’ve been thinking a lot about the possibility of getting a house finally and how that is all going to work out with when the boys will be with me and when they will be with dad as well as how my schedule will work since the job I’m transferring too has very different hours than the school job I’ve coming from; I also got a call for a job interview today for a civil service position, so I’ve been thinking about that as well. It seems that when it rains it really does pour, whether it’s in the area of opportunities and open doors or challenging situations and closed doors. So many things are still up in the air for me right now. Hopefully they will settle down soon, but knowing life and how it tends to take you by surprise, I’m sure once I’m through this period of transition, I’ll have an entirely new one to devote my worries and time to.  :) 

     Then, of course, there’s plans for the future.  I can’t go very long without pondering the future and how that’s going to work out as a single mom going back to the states where the economy is horrible right now and job prospects are even worse.  Aiiiiyiiiiyiiii! Sometimes, it’s just all too much, and I need to sleep to shut my brain down for a bit and reboot. I am very thankful that I can do that unlike so many who cannot sleep when they have a lot on their mind.  For me, it’s always been a way to clear it out and start fresh later. Early morning tomorrow on the new job with the new hours, so I better get going and turn off my “computer” for that all important re-boot! :)