I suppose we all go through times in our lives when there are more questions than answers. The past few years have been that way for me, and at first, it was very frustrating and at times, very depressing. I didn’t cope well with not having all the answers. I needed to be able to see into the future and to control it, and I simply couldn’t.
As I have grown in maturity and faith, I have learned to wait and walk in faith and become content with that, as least much more content than I used to be. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. Believe that everything is going to work out and wait for a change, wait for things to ease up, or wait for an answer to reveal itself. It is definitely an exercise in faith because what else do you have to go to when you don’t have the answers, and you cannot control the circumstances or the outcome?
I remember reading in so many devotionals in the beginning of my most recent trials that God wants to carry our burdens for us, and when you can truly give over those burdens and depend on Him entirely, those troubles and unanswered questions become so much easier to deal with. Unfortunately for me, at the time of those studies, I was so wrapped up in trying to solve my own problems, and so attached to living with the problems, it was like having another child to care for in my life. Because of this, I could not hand them over to God, but eventually, I became too tired to carry them, and as stubborn as I am, I had to let go. I didn’t have enough strength on my own, and there was no solution, so I was tearing myself apart for nothing.
I think that’s probably one of the most detrimental parts of our human nature, that we feel the need to control everything and handle everything all on our own. The problem with this is we often become obsessed with controlling not only our lives, but others as well, and that usually brings more trouble than anything. As Americans, I suppose we are raised to be very independent and not ask for help, which can lead to these control issues because if it’s all our responsibility, then we learn not to depend on anyone and who else will take care of it if we don’t control everything in our lives?
But, I think control is also genetic. Take my youngest son, for example, since the day he was born, he’s wanted to be in charge and control of everything. At 3 months old, he sat in my mom’s arms screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night for his milk when there had never been a day in his life I hadn’t provided what he needed when he needed it. Today, it’s the little things, like taking his plate to the table and placing it exactly where he wants it or being the one to tell us when he needs to go potty instead of being told by someone else to go try. He wants to be the one in control of it all, and at times, I find it very stressful, for him. I am working on teaching him to relax about those little things because life will only become much more difficult if he continues to approach it by trying to control it. I might have thought all children were this way if I hadn’t already raised a little boy for two years before he came along, and my oldest is very different. He still wants to be in control of certain things, but it’s not the same as his brother.
Point being, needing and wanting control over our lives is basic human nature, for some more than others, but present in everyone. The awesome part is that as humans we also have free will, the ability to make choices, and the ability to reflect, gain insight into ourselves, and change and improve those parts of our selves we sometimes allow to rule our lives over everything else. Thank God for faith and for someone and something to put it in. Giving up my obsession with controlling my life has been one of the most liberating things I have done and do, sometimes daily, as it’s easy to slip back into old thinking patterns and start trying to control again until the stress sets in, and I realize what I’m doing and let go once more.
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