If I could be underwater enjoying the wonders of the ocean or cuddling with my children while we talk about our favorite part of the day with smiles and laughter every day, then I could keep the clouds of frustration and disappointment from ever dampening my door, and I would know complete peace all the time, but alas, most days I am landlocked on a tiny island far from the rest of the outside world, and some days my children are whiny and over-tired and generally grumpy and fighting, and today has been one of those days for me. I admit, I let it all frustrate me more than I probably should, but it’s been a long 3 years, living like a gypsy away from my kids, and tonight I tried to have some time with them in a friend’s home who is currently on vacation and graciously offered his house to me for house-sitting and hanging out with my kids while he was away, but tonight was just not a good night for it, and the funny thing is, I felt it going downhill before it even started.
First, the boys didn’t want to take a shower somewhere besides their own shower, then they didn’t want to sleep somewhere that wasn’t their bed, and although I can relate to all these things, we’ve been living this way together for a long while now, and you would think it would get easier with time, but the fact is, it doesn’t, and I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for things to change; I’m tired of depending on others and begging others to help me solve my problem of not having a house to live in with my kids as it is my right as their mother and by law with 50% joint custody. I’m tired of working so hard and giving 110% to everything I do career-wise and feeling like I’m getting nowhere in regards to bettering life and providing a viable future for my boys and myself. It’s been one of those days.
So, what did I do when the boys said they didn’t want to stay with me at my friend’s house? Well, I took them home, to their dad’s home, to the only home they’ve ever had with either of us and formerly with both of us, and that in itself tastes like vinegar in my mouth at times. I stayed with them until bedtime, making sure they got their baths and were settled in, and what did I get in return for that, not that I was asking or expecting anything in return. I got apologies from my oldest son for not wanting to stay the night with me in a strange place. I got giant legs wrapped around my waist with hugs and smiles from my little one and even a “I wanted to stay with you” comment at the last minute as I got ready to leave, and I got support from their father that it will get better and that he would help me achieve my goal to have a place to be with them in whatever way he can. And for today, that’s so much more than enough. Who else can say that they are amicable with their ex’s? No, our relationship as a divorced couple who share custody is not perfect, and it’s not always conflict free, but it’s so much better than most, so much better than what it could have turned out to be. And who else can say they have as much time with their children daily as I do because of the lifestyle of living on an atoll, even those who are not divorced rarely experience the quality time I have with my kids because life in the states is so non-stop crazy at times. Who else can say they have an 8 year old son who is so insightful and thoughtful about an awkward adult situation to come to his mom and apologize for something that’s not even his fault simply because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings?
At the end of day, no matter what, I am blessed. Even as I sit in this friend’s house by myself tonight and write this, I am blessed beyond measure, and I must remember that on these days, when frustration sets in, and it would be so much easier to just cry and complain, I must focus on the blessings and stand strong and patient and faithful, knowing there is a reason for everything and “a time for every purpose under heaven.” Don’t you just love that Beetles song? Goodnight, my little atoll and my little darlings. Tomorrow is another day, and we’ll simply try again.
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