January 6, 2011- Butterflies and Bird Baths

     It’s butterfly season in the islands. Over the weekend, on our “Sunday Drives” around Roi-Namur, not only did we find the chickens and roosters, but we also saw tons and tons of butterflies! I love this time of year. They virtually surrounded the cart as we meandered through the jungle, fluttering about and flirting, males showing off their beautiful black wings with yellow and purple spots while chasing the neutral colored girls with brown markings.  My son loves to collect caterpillars around this time and put them in his glass aquarium out back at his dad’s house to watch them chrysalis and turn into butterflies.  Being novices at raising butterflies, sometimes they surprise us and form a cocoon and become moths.  A friend of ours who used to dabble in “butterfly farming” found my oldest a caterpillar last year that she said was fat and ready to turn, so he took him home and within a day or two his head popped off (which shocked and startled me), and he hibernated into his chrysalis, then within short order, he was ready to fly off into a brand new world.   I was not aware of the difference between a cocoon and chrysalis until our encounter with this very knowledgeable friend. And since I am not always so good at explaining the natural order of things in my own words, I have borrowed these from Answers.com: “A cocoon is a covering made of silk that encloses a pupa, and a chrysalis is the pupa of a butterfly. The chrysalis is covered in a hard, chitnous shell. Note the difference: A cocoon is a covering of a pupa, and a chrysalis is a particular kind of pupa, usually with no enclosing cocoon. Inside a cocoon, you will often find a pupa of a moth or other insect with an inner chitinous shell, but it is not called a chrysalis unless it is the pupa of a butterfly. The pupae of some insects have visible external body structures, such as wings and legs, as they develop, while others (such as moths) have a smooth outer shell that encloses the developing structures.” (In case you are wondering like I was, chitnous is actually a word, and it is an adjective from the root word of chitin, which means, ‘A tough semitransparent substance forming the principal component of arthropod exoskeletons and the cell walls of certain fungi,’ according to the American Heritage College Dictionary.) At any rate, it’s all very fascinating, but unfortunately, we do not have the same abundance of butterflies and moths here on Kwajalein, so I was excited today to venture under a tree across the street from my house and have one of the island’s magnificent black male butterflies find its way right in front of my path.  It’s these little things that make my day, that bring a smile to my face, just like the tiny bird I saw bathing in a puddle right off the side of the road on my way to the post office.  Butterflies and bird baths, two of the simple pleasures of daily life on the atoll!

January 5, 2011- Black Eyed Peas and Good Luck for the New Year!

     According to Southern tradition, eating black eyed peas for New Year’s represents good luck.  In Alabama, black eyed peas are accompanied by hog jowls or ham for New Years, and I really wasn’t sure why that was included, so I looked it up. According to Wikipedia online, it states, “In the Southern United States, the peas are typically cooked with a pork product for flavoring (such as bacon, ham bones, fatback, or hog jowl), diced onion, and served with a hot chili sauce or a pepper-flavored vinegar. The traditional meal also features collard, turnip, or mustard greens, and ham. The peas, since they swell when cooked, symbolize prosperity; the greens symbolize money; the pork, because pigs root forward when foraging, represents positive motion. Cornbread also often accompanies this meal.” I remember mostly black-eyed peas flavored with bacon and/or ham and cornbread growing up in the south, but some of that is because I have never been a fan of the infamous Southern staple, collard greens. Yuck! This may also be telling about me as the green symbolizes money, which has never been much of a focus in my life.  It is necessary, of course, but other than that, money does not equal happiness to me as I have experienced this first hand.  I had everything I ever wanted or needed growing up and most would call me spoiled, although I was only middle to upper-middle class most of my life, but I had no peace, not from money at least.  Peace has come in bits and pieces with life experience, age, wisdom, and mostly from my faith in God, but least of all from the green stuff that drives so much of the world today. I broke a bit from tradition this year as I was on Roi with few options for cooking black-eyed peas to consume on New Year’s Day, so I soaked them last night and cooked them in the crock pot all day today with a little salt, seasoned pepper, garlic, and onion and enjoyed them tonight for dinner sans the cornbread.  They were delicious, and I hope they do bring the promised good luck for 2011, but in the end, black-eyed peas and hog jowls or no black-eyed peas and hog jowls, every year is about what you make it, and I am planning to make 2011 the best it can be.       

January 4, 2011- Living by Faith...

    

     The day I began this journal, I noted that I wanted to record the experiences of what may be my last year on the atoll.  I wrote that I am in the middle of making the decision to take a leap of faith and leave within the next 12 months.  Well, at the end of this month, my year of writing that began the last day of July 2010 will be halfway done, and life has continued to switch things up for me with a new job, a new home, finding out my son has a cataract, learning how to handle the presence of a “new mom” in my children’s lives, and many other joys and challenges, so that all I can do is live by faith for what the future holds.  I truly don’t know whether or not I’ll be leaving here in six months, and at this point, that’s a little scary for me.  At this point, it all depends on where my boys are, and because they are considered dependents under their father here on the base (they cannot be dependents under both of us unless they were to be split with one under mom and one under dad), he can decide to leave and have them go with him, and there’s not much I can do about it while residing here. 

     This is one of my most gripping fears, that there will be no compromise from the man I once wanted to spend my life with, from the father of my children, that he will simply up and go and take them with him with no thought for how that would affect me and the lives of our boys.  Why should he care, I suppose. We are no longer in love; we are not tied to each other in any way except through those children, but I have still always tried to believe in him as a father and as a child of God, that he will consider what is best for his boys too.  Maybe leaving would be best; I don’t know, but it’s not a decision to be made lightly or without a lot of thought before hand.  The other fear is that the love of my life will resent the fact that I didn’t do more to fight for a better written legal compromise where the children are concerned between my ex and me, that he will feel he has had to follow my ex around in order to spend his life with me.  I feel that way sometimes too, but have realized that I cannot view it that way because that is not really the heart of the matter. I am not following or waiting on my ex; I am doing what is best for my boys, and I am sacrificing and standing beside them, so I can be there for them no matter what life throws at them along the way.  I am learning to be content whatever my circumstances and making the best of my life wherever it is, so I can be the best possible mom to my children.

     I don’t like the possibility of having to leave this summer. I feel that things are finally starting to fall into place, and I am finally beginning to put my once broken life back together again, but I have to continue to believe that God will take care of us and do what is best for everyone involved.  More than once, my family and friends have told me they wish I had just gotten a lawyer and fought for more during the divorce, more compromise, more control over my children.  I don’t yet know whether or not that will turn out to be true. Maybe I really did make a mistake I will regret for years to come by not “duking” it out in some court with my ex, but I do know this. I did what I could at the time, based on my faith in God, my faith in my ex-husband wanting to do what is best for his children as much as I do, and based on my very fragile and desperate emotional state. I don’t think I could have handled much more of a fight at that time without succumbing to that desperation and depression that had been dogging me for the last few years of the marriage. Sure, I may have been a little naive to believe things would simply work out over time and without some sort of fight for control, but who ever really has control over anything or anyone, except God.  Once you start fighting for control, it seems that it never stops. I wanted some peace in my life, having and constantly fighting for control does not bring peace, only being in God’s will can do that.

     No divorce is ever completely amicable.  I know that now, but there’s not a whole lot I can change at this point way out here on the atoll.  I am, for the first time in my life, living completely on my faith in God, and I’m not freaking out about that! :) All I can do is believe God will sort it out for the best as He always has in the past. God can work it out better than any human He’s ever made can anyway, so I’d much rather put my trust in Him than in myself.  I completely understand the concern of my family and friends that I may have made my life much harder on myself by not fighting more early on, but what I could use the most now is support for where I am at, a belief in God and faith and what He can accomplish when we allow ourselves to be dependent on Him.  Maybe I did make a fatal error, but if anyone can correct it and bring good out of it, it’s God, so I will consider my biggest mistakes as a chance for God to show me His power and unconditional love for His children, and this is what will get my through the next 6 months and hopefully the next 6 years and beyond.  Life is not done throwing challenges my way, I’m sure, but I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and leaning on him and living by faith is no mistake!

January 3, 2011- Spoiled and Sheltered...

     These three day weekends are really starting to spoil me.  I don’t know how I am going to go back to 5 day work weeks and 2 day weekends. And I’ve probably made it worse on myself because I took extra time this week, taking Tuesday off as well to spend the last day off before school starts back with my boys at home, so I really have a 4 day weekend!  Unfortunately, it will be back to Kwaj tomorrow, so I have tried to simply enjoy this last day before we begin the long stretch of the school year where there are relatively few 3 day weekends to enjoy. Unfortunately, my youngest son has been remiss in getting caught up with his work from the time he missed while in Hawaii having his eyes checked, so we spent the majority of the day doing homework together.  In between answering my son’s questions, I read.
     Currently, I am reading one of my book club books titled “Columbine.” Unless you are still a youngster, I’m sure you remember this tragic school shooting back in 1999.  At first, I was a little nervous about reading it, having two young boys myself who are school age, but the more I read, the more the author and journalist, Dave Cullen, drew me into the extensively researched and masterfully written story of the before, during, and aftermath of the event.  I expected it to be written more like a news story and less like a personal experience story.  He includes all perspectives he had available to him and quotes from almost all parties involved, describing their personal lives as well as their public ones once Columbine became more than just a small town in Colorado and rather a national symbol of teenage angst gone very, very wrong.  There are moments though when I have to set the book down. It still worries me, mostly as a parent. Am I doing everything I can to ensure my children feel secure, happy, and not only learn right from wrong, but have the necessary conscious and compassion for others to make loving and kind choices once they leave my home? 
     Sometimes when my boys are disrespectful and seem to not care about how they are hurting others’ feelings by misbehaving, I worry about that.  The book I’m reading makes me worry even more, so I will take a break for a little while and come back to my reality. Currently, my children live and attend school in one of the safest places in the world! I could not ask for a better education for them, and as long as I can continue to keep them sheltered, yet not neglect to talk about what happens elsewhere (such as when my son asks me about the book I’m reading or the tragic news on TV), I know I’m doing all I can.  In the end, we really are spoiled more than most Americans, spoiled to be able to take extra time off to enjoy the holiday season and spoiled to live in such a protected environment in the middle of the Pacific.  My heart goes out to all those who have not been so lucky to have lived such a sheltered, safe life over the years, and my prayers go up to God each night to protect the precious lives he’s put me in charge of because heaven knows I cannot shelter them from all the evils this life has to offer, and that even the most sheltered, safe places can at any time, become unsafe and very, very scary.

January 2, 2011- A Quiet Day...

     After spending most of the morning getting the camp site cleaned up, and the camping gear put back away, it was time to rest up.  Well, we did have one further adventure, and that was to take our “Sunday Drive” in our golf cart after breakfast to feed the chickens.  Yes, we have chickens on the tiny island of Roi-Namur. Their home is right next to the radars, and boy do they come running on their scrawny chicken feet when a visitor stops by! Yesterday, we had a little left over bagel with cream cheese that my son said he no longer wanted, and that was a mess, but the chickens loved it! There were also a few roosters, but they tended to stand back unless the food was tossed right at them.  They preferred to let the chicks eat first. What gentlemen! :)  The chicks are about 4 months old now, but they are growing fast, and their personalities certainly show.  The more timid chicks stay back circling from a distance until noticed, and the more aggressive chicks run right through everyone to get what they want.  Today, we fed them some hard boiled eggs and toast. Funny how they like to eat eggs, but it appears to be one of their favorites.  My sons enjoyed the foray into “farmville” so much that they decided to name a couple of the chicks. It will be fun to see if they still recognize them in a couple of months when they are able to make it back to Roi again.  After our chicken adventures, we showered (desperately needed as we all smelled like smoke from the camp fire the night before), and we relaxed.  A quiet day overall, but much needed after a busy year!

January 1, 2011- First Camp-Out of the Year!

     The year 2011 started off with one of our favorite outdoor Roi-Namur adventures. We took advantage of three day weekend by going camping. It’s been a while since any of us have even been to Roi, much less camping.  We were a bit worried about the potential for rain, but except for one downpour in the middle of the night and a few scattered light showers during the day, it ended up being a perfect night to be out in the elements. The rain even kept the rats away. This is the first campout in a long time that I don’t remember waking up to any scuffling noises outside the tent or eating dinner while chasing the rats away from the picnic table.  Seriously, the rats here are pretty bold! The wind was gusting a bit, which made it cooler than normal and kept most of the usual flies away, but my boyfriend did have to build a wind shield to ensure the campfire would even light for our smores. Once again, the windshield worked just as it should, and everything turned out perfectly. It is the best night’s sleep I’ve had camping in a very, long time, and all three boys slept well too. That in itself makes it a success! It looks like 2011 is going to be a good year. 

December 31, 2010- Snoozing in the New Year!

      Isn’t the saying “Ringing in the New Year?”  Well, I guess once you settle down, have a couple of children, and get a little bit older, you snooze in the New Year! At least that’s what we did.  After taking the last 3 hours of the day off and heading to Roi for the end of 2010, I was exhausted! I had to be at work at 6:45 that morning, so by 6:45 that night, I was barely able to keep my eyelids open.  I had told my boys that I’d let them sty up until midnight if they could, and I figured that would not be a problem, especially considering my oldest has stayed up until 1 or 2 am during sleepovers in the past, but I guess they were pooped out too! We had planned to stop by the local hang out before midnight and get some Shirley Temples and Roy Rogers (7-up and Grenadine or Coke and Grenadine) to toast our Roi friends for the New Year, but we never made it.  I believe I fell asleep around 8:30, then my oldest was next at 9:30, and finally, my youngest fell asleep on top of me around 10:30.  My back was killing me when midnight finally came, and I asked my boyfriend to carry the “baby” to his bed because I could barely move.  So, we all stayed next to each other until midnight, but we didn’t stay awake, except for my honey.  He was awake the whole time laughing at us dropping like flies one by one.  Well, at least we had plenty of sleep to enjoy the first day of 2011!