The day I began this journal, I noted that I wanted to record the experiences of what may be my last year on the atoll. I wrote that I am in the middle of making the decision to take a leap of faith and leave within the next 12 months. Well, at the end of this month, my year of writing that began the last day of July 2010 will be halfway done, and life has continued to switch things up for me with a new job, a new home, finding out my son has a cataract, learning how to handle the presence of a “new mom” in my children’s lives, and many other joys and challenges, so that all I can do is live by faith for what the future holds. I truly don’t know whether or not I’ll be leaving here in six months, and at this point, that’s a little scary for me. At this point, it all depends on where my boys are, and because they are considered dependents under their father here on the base (they cannot be dependents under both of us unless they were to be split with one under mom and one under dad), he can decide to leave and have them go with him, and there’s not much I can do about it while residing here.
This is one of my most gripping fears, that there will be no compromise from the man I once wanted to spend my life with, from the father of my children, that he will simply up and go and take them with him with no thought for how that would affect me and the lives of our boys. Why should he care, I suppose. We are no longer in love; we are not tied to each other in any way except through those children, but I have still always tried to believe in him as a father and as a child of God, that he will consider what is best for his boys too. Maybe leaving would be best; I don’t know, but it’s not a decision to be made lightly or without a lot of thought before hand. The other fear is that the love of my life will resent the fact that I didn’t do more to fight for a better written legal compromise where the children are concerned between my ex and me, that he will feel he has had to follow my ex around in order to spend his life with me. I feel that way sometimes too, but have realized that I cannot view it that way because that is not really the heart of the matter. I am not following or waiting on my ex; I am doing what is best for my boys, and I am sacrificing and standing beside them, so I can be there for them no matter what life throws at them along the way. I am learning to be content whatever my circumstances and making the best of my life wherever it is, so I can be the best possible mom to my children.
I don’t like the possibility of having to leave this summer. I feel that things are finally starting to fall into place, and I am finally beginning to put my once broken life back together again, but I have to continue to believe that God will take care of us and do what is best for everyone involved. More than once, my family and friends have told me they wish I had just gotten a lawyer and fought for more during the divorce, more compromise, more control over my children. I don’t yet know whether or not that will turn out to be true. Maybe I really did make a mistake I will regret for years to come by not “duking” it out in some court with my ex, but I do know this. I did what I could at the time, based on my faith in God, my faith in my ex-husband wanting to do what is best for his children as much as I do, and based on my very fragile and desperate emotional state. I don’t think I could have handled much more of a fight at that time without succumbing to that desperation and depression that had been dogging me for the last few years of the marriage. Sure, I may have been a little naive to believe things would simply work out over time and without some sort of fight for control, but who ever really has control over anything or anyone, except God. Once you start fighting for control, it seems that it never stops. I wanted some peace in my life, having and constantly fighting for control does not bring peace, only being in God’s will can do that.
No divorce is ever completely amicable. I know that now, but there’s not a whole lot I can change at this point way out here on the atoll. I am, for the first time in my life, living completely on my faith in God, and I’m not freaking out about that! :) All I can do is believe God will sort it out for the best as He always has in the past. God can work it out better than any human He’s ever made can anyway, so I’d much rather put my trust in Him than in myself. I completely understand the concern of my family and friends that I may have made my life much harder on myself by not fighting more early on, but what I could use the most now is support for where I am at, a belief in God and faith and what He can accomplish when we allow ourselves to be dependent on Him. Maybe I did make a fatal error, but if anyone can correct it and bring good out of it, it’s God, so I will consider my biggest mistakes as a chance for God to show me His power and unconditional love for His children, and this is what will get my through the next 6 months and hopefully the next 6 years and beyond. Life is not done throwing challenges my way, I’m sure, but I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and leaning on him and living by faith is no mistake!
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