July 27-August 2, 2011-Precious Photos and Wonderful Words

     Looking back at the entire week/weekend that has gone by since I last wrote, I wasn't sure what to write. Mostly, I've been working, spending weekends relaxing on Roi with my fiance and enjoying the last bit of summer before it slips away into more work with the return of school, birthdays, holidays, and more and more changes with a new school year, smaller budgets, debt crisis, and an unpredictable economy to keep our minds and lives fully occupied and our futures uncertain, but still blessed compared to what we could be going through. Mostly though, I just can't stop thinking about my sweet babies returning to "the rock" we all call home exactly one week from today!  All I have had of them for over 6 weeks now to keep me close is pictures and words.  My mom graciously sent pictures of the fun they had at their house last week, and once or twice a week I am able to reach them by phone to hear their voices.  It's getting to the point of there not being much to say anymore, which to me means, it's time for them to come home! I miss them terribly. 
     As I browsed through photos from my workplace today (looking for pictures to put together in a collage for our director, who is PCSing soon), I found a few of my boys when they attended the preschool here. I couldn't help but smile, and it made me realize that no matter what the future holds for all of us, I have had so many precious years with them already! I am lucky to have been able to raise them in their younger years on the atoll with lots and lots of quality time and memories to go with it. It seems like so long ago when my youngest sported his gorgeous blond curls or when my older "spiderman" loved to swing at Emon Beach park, but it's been less than a decade since my oldest was brought into this world.  I have often been told by parents whose children are grown that the only thing they really regret about the years when their kids were young was not just enjoying it more and worrying about every little thing less.  I do get more anxious than necessary sometimes, but I also feel that I have enjoyed them (the last 4 years especially) in a really grand way, and hopefully I've enjoyed them enough to not have that regret in a few more years. 
     My "spidey sense" tells me that our lives will probably change drastically by this time next year, and I'm okay with that, even though I'm nervous and afraid at the same time.  I have done all I can to make my boys and my own years here the best they could be, enjoying almost every type of outdoor/indoor recreation available, growing spiritually, professionally, and in my relationship with my boys in ways I never realized were possible for me.  I've survived rough times as well, but learned from them to make myself a stronger and hopefully better person.  Photos and words are never enough when you can have hugs and family dinners together, but the time away from my boys has given me perspective that will take me through the next challenge life has for us.  I don't know if they will ever read all these words about them I've written over the last year, but I do know they have felt the love from my heart, the place these words flow from, and that's all that really matters...to know we are loved and experience the joy of loving someone back! Remember to enjoy the "loves of your life" today because you never know what tomorrow brings or how fast it will fly by, and you certainly don't want to have any regrets in regard to loving those most precious to you and enjoying life to the fullest while you can.  Love and hugs to all of you from me! :-)

July 23-26, 2011- Lost and Found!

     Several months ago, my then boyfriend (now fiancé) and I found a small LCM (Landing Craft Mechanism) that had been dumped near where the lost tank we were diving for was found.  We have been back once or twice since finding the tank and LCM to try and find the landing craft again, but with no luck.  Over the weekend, we went diving for it and found it! This time with had a float with us, so we could mark the exact spot, head back to the boat, then motor over and mark it on the GPS.  It was exciting to see the shadow of the small, stripped wartime transport water craft appear angled against the coral head where it most likely landed decades ago when it was pushed into a watery retirement from service.  It was not the only thing we found on our dive adventures Sunday. As my fiancé and I descended into the “Crater” dive spot, a couple of curious sharks begin swimming around us.  Next thing we knew, there were six to eight sharks hanging about.  They were like most other creatures of nature, more interested in seeing who or what we were than anything else, just curious, although it was fun to watch them watching us.  There were babies, but one of them couldn’t seem to move on. He would swim away, then come back to see us again, back and forth, until he finally had his fill of the “strange fish” with bubbles trailing behind them. 

     It was so fulfilling to get back in the water again.  I’ve missed it…I’ve not been motivated to do much lately without my babies here and an uncertain future with budget cuts on the atoll and an ex-husband who may be departing the island any day to go back to the states, most likely leaving me to make some hard decisions in regards to being with my children.  But underwater, none of that matters.  All that matters is how much air you have left, how much safe time you have at the depth you are cruising, where the boat is, and how much beautiful and exciting sea life and history you can cram into your dive before you have to get back to the boat to head home. Diving is about surviving and focusing on what matters most in life, the continual and consistent motion of the tide, the beauty all around us if we simply take the time to stop and look, and focusing only on breathing and enjoying each moment we have instead of all the myriad and potential “troubles” around the corner. It’s about losing those worries and finding peace again in all life has blessed us with.  “I once was lost, but now I’m found…was blind, but now I see.”  

July 20-22, 2011-Taking it one day at a time...

     I've written enough of these blog entries now to start repeating myself. I know I have probably used this same title before or some version of it, but some days or weeks, life moves by at a snail's pace, you wonder where it will be taking you next, and you feel you are in a holding pattern. During those times, all you can do is "take it one day at a time" as my mom always reminds me when I am anxious about the future and venting about the every day frustrations that come with work, raising kids, and putting my trust in people rather than God.  I mention the last part because I realize that so often my anxieties crop up when I am depending on someone else to do things the way I would do them or to take care of business on my terms. I am putting my trust in others to control situations in life when it's something I'm not in a position to control myself.  Well, once again, my wise mother reminded me, you don't need to trust "XYZ," you only need to trust God.  He'll take care of you and yours, and He always knows what's best, so who better to put your trust in.  As Americans, our country has grown up around the ideals of freedom and independence, pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps, so to speak, and that's all fine and well, but it takes our Higher Power and putting trust in Him away from us when we are so busy "doing it ourselves." Some things you can't do all by yourself. Some things you will never have the answers to that you want. Some things you will never be able to control. Sometimes you will not know where you are going or how you will get there until you are there.  That's where the faith and trust comes in, and I'm awful thankful for God's work through my mom to remind me of that.  Trust, faith, and love....that's all you need to find peace and contentment, and even if you don't understand where life is taking you, and it's a struggle, don't try to take more than one day at a time. Each day has enough trouble of its own, so just get through today and let God worry about tomorrow.  Wishing you all a fabulous upcoming weekend! Enjoy every minute of it!

July 16-19, 2011- Adjustments…

     There’s always a bit of an adjustment coming back to the islands from a visit to the “mainland,” and this time it’s been a little harder for me than usual.  I know a lot of this is because I had no children to come home to and keep me on my toes. There’s not much slowing down with 7 and 9 year old boys, and when we are together, my focus is on taking care of their needs and not my own.  With just myself to look after (even my fiancé is back on his island, so I can’t even distract myself by hanging out with him), I find myself going to work, eating, exercising, and going to bed, and that’s all. It makes me miss the fun, family, and road trips of our recent vacation in Oregon.  It makes me want to move back “home.”  It’s quiet on the island in summer because half the population is gone for the 2+ months that comprise “summer vacation” here, so it’s nice to be able to get things done at work, but somehow the motivation is not there as it usually is when the pressure is on. J  Even though I enjoy my job, and I’m doing something I love, work, in the end, doesn’t mean anything if there’s nothing really to work for. What I mean is that work is worth it because it provides us the ability to go on those family vacations, to provide things for our family, to spend time with those we love on the weekends and holidays in a comfortable fashion.  For now, work for me, is saving up, saving for the day we’ll be able to move back to the states, saving for our future.  It may not be as exciting right now, but it’s a necessary part of life, and I know it won’t last forever because school starts back at the end of next month, families all arrive back on the atoll, and life will speed up with a vengeance to get back the time it lost over the summer!

July 14-15, 2011- My Baby's Eyes...

     Well, it's been over 3 months since my son has the congenital cataract in his left eye removed, and he's been attempting to strengthen it through patch therapy and wearing glasses at least 10 hours a day.  This week, he had a follow up appointment with his surgeon in Alabama while there on vacation with his dad.  Apparently, he can now see the large "E" at the top of the eye chart from about 5 feet away, which is, believe it or not, a gain in sight since the last appointment in April.  The funny thing is, my son struggles with finding motivation to wear his patch 10 hours a day and not peek out of any crack he can find in it, and he tries to take the glasses off at every opportunity. This does NOT help improve his sight, but if you think about it, he's never had very strong sight in that eye having had the cataract since birth, and it had only grown larger over time and impaired his vision more, so to him, he does not know what a difference it would make for him to be able to use both his eyes more fully. He's never seen anything in 3-D, so he doesn't really know what that is.  He's always used the right eye for sports, reading, etc...and he does very well with that one eye, which has perfect sight, so why would he want to work so hard to see in an eye that has always been useless to him?  I understand his perspective, but it still makes me sad.  Who knows how much sight he could gain if he had a stronger motivation to work at it?! I am thankful though that he has some sight back, and he has been told by the doctor to continue to wear the patch and glasses until he has no further gains in sight, so we'll see where he is at in another 3 months.
     For me, right now, sight or no sight, I miss my babies! Kids are kids and like the rest of us, they are not perfect.  We sometimes get annoyed with each other, and sometimes they talk back or frustrate me, but not having them near and having to let go of them so much when they are still so young  is one of the most heart breaking things I've ever experienced.  As parents, I believe we become so attached to our children that they are like an extension of ourselves, so when they fail or make a mistake, we feel their pain. When they are sad, we are sad. When they are far away, our lives are not complete. The house is quiet, too quiet, without them.  Days at work are long as I stay late to avoid having to go home to the emptiness.  Sure, I get things done that I would struggle to complete otherwise, but they are all trivial things, things that mean little in comparison to that precious time with my children, who are growing up so fast. They will be gone for another 3 weeks or so, and I can't wait to hug and kiss them when they step off that plane back onto the island they've grown up on and call home. 
     It's been about a year since I started this blog, in an attempt to record what I thought might be my last year on the island, and even though for now, we are still here, I know the days are getting shorter and circumstances in their lives are changing...I know it will be necessary for them to move on soon and maybe me too, so I'll attempt to enjoy every moment here with them while I have it because once we move away from the island, life will become more chaotic in the "real world," and I may have no choice but to be further away from my babies for longer and longer periods of time, and I don't look forward to that at all.  I know God knows what's best, and He'll work it all out for our good, but until then, I am still learning to be content in my present circumstances and find joy in all the little and big moments of life with and without my babies.   

July 11-13, 2011- Settling Back In…

     The 11^th proved to be a longer day than we originally planned for with an extra 2 hours of sitting on the tarmac in Honolulu in the airplane while they checked on an indicator light (indicating a potential mechanical issue) that was flashing in the cockpit.  So, our regularly scheduled 7-hour flight turned into 9 hours, and needless to say, we were exhausted by the time we arrived back home.  The alarm woke us up at 2:30, so we could be prepared to leave by 3:30 and arrive at the airport at 4 am to check our bags for the 5:30 flight. The delay put us landing on Kwaj at 12:30 pm instead of 10:30 am on Tuesday, July 12, and we were starved! After a late lunch at Subway in the food court, we relaxed at home, settling back in after 3 weeks away. I had to head into work for a couple of hours at the end of the day, but it was good as I was able to get caught up on e-mails before a full day of work today. 

     The rest is boring work stuff, especially considering that my body is still readjusting to the time change, and I woke up at 4 am this morning and felt like the day should have been over by lunchtime! J  I did make it through until after 6 pm at work, but I will be turning in early again tonight to try and catch up on sleep and get my system back on track.  It’s always hard to settle back in the first few days, but it is nice to be home in my own space.  

July 10, 2011- Sunday in Honolulu…

     We arrived in Hawaii around 9:30 pm on Saturday night and after filling our tummies with some IHOP breakfast entrees, we headed up to our hotel room next door to the restaurant and fell fast asleep.  Waking up early due to our bodies still adjusting to the time change, my fiancé asked me, “What are we going to do today?” We had a whole day to hang out and having been to Hawaii many times before, there’s not much we haven’t done there in the past, so that makes it hard to come up with something new or interesting to do for less than 24 hours. I know, hard life, having to find SOMETHING to do in Hawaii, but it’s not the cheapest place to spend a few hours, and frankly the Waikiki area where we were staying is just a big, busy city. At first, I wasn’t sure what we should do as seeing the Iolani Palace (the one thing I haven’t done yet in Hawaii) wasn’t possible since it is closed on Sunday. So, I took a shower instead to get ready for whatever was in store for the day. As often happens to me in the shower, I started thinking and came up with what turned out to be a pretty good plan.  First, we’ll have breakfast at our favorite spot just two doors down, the Wailana Coffee House, then we’ll go for a walk on the Hilton Hawaiian Village grounds to see the birds who reside there, including penguins and flamingos. Next, we’ll head to the Ala Moana mall to pick out some surprises for the boys when they return home from their vacation with their dad.  Finally, we’ll catch a movie in an actual movie theater, go to dinner at Outback Steakhouse (where we can use the gift certificate that was a Christmas present we haven’t been able to use yet), and head to bed early for our 4 am check in time.  Good plan, huh?! Well, it was, and that’s exactly what we did, spent a leisurely day in Honolulu doing the same types of things most of the locals do. After all, we are by now, more local than tourist during our Hawaii adventures. The streets there are more familiar to me than my own hometown in Alabama anymore.  It’s changed so much since I left, but good ‘ole Honolulu, on the island of Oahu, is the same to me as it was the first time I passed through over 15 years ago.