June 5-30, 2013 Letting God Decide with My Eyes Wide Open…

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

     After once again getting out of the habit of exercising, I got up early yesterday to walk around the island before sunrise.  When I started this blog, it was because I really thought my last year on this island had begun, and I wanted to record what my life on an island was like before it was just a memory of a place I once lived.  That was in 2010. Obviously, God’s plan for me was to stay a while longer.  This evening as I walked the island I am so familiar with at sunset this time, I considered how many times I had wished to move on from here.  I listed in my mind all the other places over the years that I have thought about living and hoped for an opportunity to arise to take me there, none of which ever came about and certainly not for my lack of trying to find work and life elsewhere.  I have been putting my resume out there for jobs off and on for the last 5-7 years and despite an interview here and there, nothing has ever been offered to take me away from Kwajalein.  For now, God has spoken.  My life is here…on an atoll.  For how much longer? I don’t know. Where will He lead me to next? I don’t know that either.  A few years back, that would have made me very anxious, not having a plan or knowing where my future would be, but today, not so much.  I think the people who are most anxious about God’s plan for my life at this moment in time are my own parents.  Of course, they are very interested in helping me and my family get settled back in Alabama with them, and it’s not that I’m opposed to that. I’ve applied for jobs both there and in Oregon where my husband’s family lives as well as overseas (because the civil service jobs I qualify for are easier to break into overseas than in the states right now), but the simple truth of the matter is that God has not opened any doors to life off the atoll yet. And who knows, God may take me where my husband lands a job, not me.  It’s not all dependent on me getting a job first. My hubby is my family now along with my sons, so I have to be open to those opportunities God may open for him as well.  Bottom line is…I’m letting God decide my future.  I’m seeking Him first and His will for my life, not my own will, not my parent’s will (no offense, mom and dad), but God’s Will because He knows best.   Of course, I am keeping my eyes wide open, to see the opportunities He may be leading me to, to make sure I see His plan clearly when He reveals it, but in the meantime, I am resting in His plan for today and not worrying about tomorrow, and that’s enough, Praise God! J   

May 28-June 4, 2013 Looking at the world through God’s eyes…

“At dawn the disciples saw Jesus standing on the beach, but they couldn’t see who he was. He called out, ‘Friends, have you caught any fish?’ ‘No,’ they replied. Then he said, ‘Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you’ll get plenty of fish!’ So they did, and they couldn’t draw in the net because there were so many fish in it.” John 21: 4-6

     This last week it has finally started to hit me…my oldest son will be leaving not to return to me until December in only a few short weeks now.  I won’t be able to speak with him every day after school to ask how his day is or to hear his funny stories about what his friends did or what happened in class or at recess.  I won’t be a part of the various events he will be attending on the weekends or be able to teach his Sunday School class or help with a school party.  I will only have the occasional phone call or e-mail to check in with him.  What will make it even harder is that my youngest son will be here with me, so the oldest will be missed that much more because I will still be living the “family” life and attending all the school and family events, but my family will be incomplete this time.  We are shrinking from four to three in terms of our every day life.  Before this past year in counseling, I never would have thought to divide my children between households.  I never would have thought that this could be God’s plan for them, for all of us.  It still doesn’t feel good to me, but I have to trust in God’s guidance. This is the path He has laid out for us, and I am working hard to see the world before me through God’s eyes.  Just like the disciples in the boat who only needed to throw their nets on the other side of the boat to catch fish, I need to put aside what I thought would be best for everyone and start considering the other side of things.  God often has a different way for us than what we expect for ourselves and/or our children and families.  That’s what my “The One Year Praying through the Bible” devotional today brought out for me in the verse above.  God may want us to follow a different strategy or make a course correction from what we had programmed into our internal GPS.  Looking back over the last year from June 2012 to now, I realize that that’s exactly what God used this time for, to correct the course the boys and I were headed on when this crazy journey began, to show me through the people He brought into my life to provide guidance, that there was another way to move forward. During this year, I have had to continue to let go even more than I already had of my boys and allow Him to work directly in their lives without so much interference from me…it’s been one of the more peaceful years of the last 15, surprisingly, but that’s because I gave up a little more each day, week, and month of the control I was holding on so tightly to and let God have it.  If you have been reading my blog over the last couple of years, you know that letting go is a topic of discussion for me quite often, and that’s because it’s a day-by-day process. When you hold on so closely to ideas, people, ways of being and doing for so long, it takes a lot of strength to let it go, one little idea, person, or way of being and doing at a time.  I am sure I will keep finding things that I need to release in terms of control in my life for years to come, but it feels good to be one baby step closer to unburdening myself entirely to God’s will and way.  It turns out that looking at the world in a new way isn’t scary at all. It’s actually quite freeing! 

April 17-May 28, 2013 Month by Month…

“My son, pay attention to what I say;

turn your ear to my words.

Do not let them out of your sight,

keep them within your heart;

for they are life to those who find them

and health to one’s whole body.

Above all else, guard your heart,

for everything you do flows from it.

Keep your mouth free of perversity;

keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

Let your eyes look straight ahead;

fix your gaze directly before you.

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet

and be steadfast in all your ways.

Do not turn to the right or the left;

keep your foot from evil.”

Proverbs 4:20-27

     Once again, over a month has passed without one word written down to remember it by.  My life is sliding into memory month by month instead of day by day or week by week.  When the month of May began, I remember saying to myself, “I just have to get through this month, and then I’ll have more time to, to….” to do what? Clean the house, blog, spend more time with my family instead of at work? The problem with this way of thinking is that your priorities become skewed very quickly. The least important thing suddenly become the most important because you are putting these things first for the time being….until you complete that big project or land that big account. Well, there’s always going to be another big project looming around the corner or another big account to land.  As the weeks pass, the time for my oldest son to leave the island (where he was born and has spent the first 11 ¾ years of his life) to move back to Alabama with his dad is drawing near.  And where have I been? At work…a lot.  Even when I am here, he’s not much. He is at the age where he wants to be with his friends more than his parents, but still, this is the first weekend in a long while (being a long, 3 day weekend) that I have felt able to focus just on my home and family and not worry about the coming week or even have to go into work at all.  It’s nice…I’ve mostly just been deep-cleaning the house with the help of my husband and the boys, of course, but even cleaning the house together is more “family time” than I’ve had recently with them.  In fact, this weekend, cleaning time became a “wisdom imparting” session for my husband and I with my oldest son.  The conversation turned to video games that were made more for adults than for children, which led into bad language, and eventually reminded me of the aphorism, "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he."  If your mind is always on violent video games, and your ears are constantly filled with negative and ugly language, eventually, the words coming out of your mouth will be ugly, and violent thoughts rise to the surface first instead of kindness and peacemaking.  Your heart becomes harder and harder instead of softer and more sensitive to the love and joy in the world and from God. 

     At any rate, this aphorism, led me to look in the Bible as I knew there were similar sayings there. In fact, that’s probably where the aphorism came from. In Matthew 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” and in Proverbs 4: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Bottom line, I want my son to be aware of where his thoughts lie, where his heart is at any given moment, so that the new world of the states that he is about to enter on a more permanent basis is not going to turn him away from what he knows in his heart is right and good.  So, today, this week, this month, and all the months to follow as both my sons grow, I am dedicating Proverbs 4 to them, the entire Proverb, which was written by King Solomon as a personal plea to his own sons to heed the wisdom God had blessed him with during his reign as King. If you have sons, I encourage you to go to the Bible and read the entire chapter of Proverbs 4. Or better yet, read the entire book of Proverbs, as there’s a bit of Godly wisdom contained within for all of us.  When you find those bits of wisdom God is speaking into your heart follow the advice of Proverbs 3:3 below:

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” Proverbs 3:3

March 2-April 16, 2013 Slipping through my fingers…

[Jesus said,] “Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won’t be faithful in large ones. If you cheat even a little you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.” Luke 16:10

     It used to be that days or even a week got by without a lot of thought for me, but as I grow older whole months slip through my fingers before I have a chance to stop, reflect, and record what has happened in that time period.  Even today, as I write this, weeks have passed between the first words and these last ones.  Blogging is definitely not at the top of my priority list right now, but not because I don’t want to take the time to write. It’s simply because time for such pursuits is hard to come by. Work and family demands have taken over, and sometimes, just my body needing sleep keeps me from sitting down to write.  I have no energy for it, which makes me sad because I do love to write.  Unfortunately, I have not been able to be faithful in the matter of writing every day or even every week, but that is a pursuit with a purpose only for me, really, and those responsibilities God has put me in charge of at home and at work are for others, and that’s where my focus now lies.  I can say, however, that I have been faithful thus far in my goal to read through the Bible in a year.  I am now on page 475 of “The Daily Bible,” which is taking me through the life of King David, whose heart was always in the right place, even if he wasn’t always honest and sinless with how he handled situations in his life. 

     David is such a down-to-earth character in the Bible, even for a King.  He had the faith of a child throughout his life from the days he was a simple shepherd boy who beat the Giant Goliath with a rock and sling shot to the days he was fleeing from his own son, Absalom, who was trying to overthrow him as King of Israel.  He made some terrible choices along his life’s journey, such as committing adultery with Bathsheba, then having her husband killed on the battlefield, so he could marry her and raise the baby she had growing inside her from David.  He also suffered for those choices. God did not allow that baby to live, no matter how much David prayer and pleaded to God for the child’s life.  But, for the most part, David was faithful to consult God even in the little things, and he had a heart for God always.  This shows in all the beautiful and emotional Psalms he wrote when he was in trouble and when he was content with life. He always remembered to praise God and thank him for being there for him.  He is humbled by the awesomeness of God. 

     So often today, I think we are too filled with pride. We cannot see beyond ourselves and our lives, and we do not spend enough time with God.  Life itself has become a whirlwind of action and activity.  We rush from one thing to the next, often with our cell phones or IPods in our hands, reading texts, searching the internet, or playing games while we transition from one thing to another.  We never stop to simply take a deep breath, look at the sky, or consider this wonderful world God made for us, which is so much more than the feat of technology man has crossed with all our devices. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy my devices as much as the next person. Heck, my blog depends on technology to share my words and thoughts with the world, but I would be okay without it.  If all technology broke down tomorrow, what would be left? The original world God made for us.  That’s part of why I have come to enjoy my job more and more over the last couple of years, because I spend time with very young children, seeing the world through their eyes again. My own children are already immersed in technology, but the preschoolers and toddlers I see on a daily basis are focused on the bugs of the playground and the fish in their classroom aquarium. They are enamored with garbage trucks and airplanes, and they appreciate the people in their lives, delving out hugs to familiar teachers and parents whenever they enter the classroom and sharing stories about their lives as often as they can.  We get so wrapped up in our devices and our troubles that we forget about God and His creation! We forget about how blessed we are to live safely through another day with family, friends, food, clothes, and a home to live in.  We forget to thank and praise Him and to include Him in our lives.

     What I am striving to be faithful in at this point in my life is simply spending time with God, in His word, in prayer, in consulting Him with all the big and little matters of life and including Him in it first and foremost.  When you take the time to consult God, to make Him the biggest part of your life, all that pride and selfishness starts to disappear. God will humble you in the best possible way.  He will show you how much better life is when we are focused on Him instead of just ourselves.  He will show you what it means to have the heart of David. 

Psalm 3

A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.

O Lord, how many are my foes!

How many rise up against me!

Many are saying of me,

“God will not deliver him.”

But you are a shield around me, O Lord;

You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.

To the Lord I cry aloud,

And he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;

I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

I will not fear the tens of thousands

Drawn up against me on every side.

Arise, O Lord!

Deliver me, O my God!

Strike all my enemies on the jaw;

Break the teeth of the wicked.

From the Lord comes deliverance.

May your blessing be on your people.

February 20-March 1, 2013 A long 10 days…

“Let a man regard us in this manner, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God.” 1 Corinthians 4:1

     Since I last wrote, I’ve been busy wrapping up important projects at work and taking care of 3 sick boys! There’s been this short, but violent stomach bug going around, and all three of the boys in my household came down with it on Tuesday night, one at 9 pm, one at 1 am, and one at 3 am.  It consisted of about 6 hours of throwing up, mostly without much notice it was coming. Out of a deep sleep, all of a sudden my baby boys are throwing up into buckets, then my husband is laying on the bathroom floor waiting for his next turn.  Thankfully, so far, God has answered my prayers and kept me well from it, and it’s a good thing because we are scheduled to leave on our delayed honeymoon to Hawaii tonight! OR at least we were supposed to leave tonight; in fact, we should have been landing about now, but our flight was very, very delayed, so I am catching up on my blog at 11 pm waiting to go back to the terminal for our 2:00 am flight to arrive in Hawaii around 10 am.  We’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting for the chance to finally go on our honeymoon, and so far, it’s been fraught with bad luck stating with the illnesses right before and the delayed flight now.  I’ve always ascribed to the belief that everything happens for a reason, and I still do, but I also ascribe to the thought that we may never know the reason. Some parts of life are just mysteries and will remain so, like the mysteries of God.  My family getting sick and a delayed flight are to me, just part of life.  At this point, I don’t see it meaning anything in particular or there being a certain reason for these challenges to have happened, but it’s a good learning experience for the larger, more difficult times of life, the times that really are unexplained and true mysteries.  The learning experience to be gained from this can be summed up in the title of the book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” There were some people at the terminal tonight very upset about the delayed flight, and I understand why. They are missing connecting flights and losing even more sleep than they would have if the flight had left on time, but if you allow the small stuff to work you up, how are you going to handle the large stuff?   This is the lesson I have been learning for several years now, and I am proud to say that I have seen great improvement within myself and in my trust in God.  I am able to stay calm, let it go, and move forward without the stress it used to cause me (well, at least in most situations I am-it’s still a work in progress).  This is a great accomplishment for me, so I choose this verse today because it sums up that thought. If I simply regard myself as a servant of God and a steward of the mysteries of God, than I don’t have to worry about solving all my own and/or the world’s problems, and I don’t have to worry about trying to explain those problems and why God allows them. My job is just to trust and believe, to have faith and accept His mercy and grace.  Wow, what a release. J  Now, it’s time for me to get ready to head back to that terminal, ready for whatever comes next, no matter what it is! 

February 15-19, 2013 Plans and Prayers…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

     I have several favorite verses from the Bible, but I would have to say the verse that starts this blog entry has been a part of my life the longest, and it’s one of the few that I actually remember the book, chapter, and verse from the Bible every time, without having to Google the words in the verse to find where it’s located. This particular verse from the book of Jeremiah has been a comfort to me in uncertain circumstances more times than I can remember.  When I was a teenager, it helped me as I set off to college, not knowing quite yet what career path life was going to take me on. When I was struggling with my marriage and headed for what ultimately ended up in divorce, I leaned on the second part of the verse, that God still had a plan to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me hope and a future when my future seemed really bleak at the time. In the past, the verse has always served me, helped me, but now with 2 boys who are stuck in a situation created by their parents, a situation they never asked to be in nor want to have to be in, I am learning to apply this verse to them and would like to write out here the prayers on my heart for my sweet baby boys. “Dear Father-God, I know the plans you have for the precious children you have entrusted me with. I know that you have plans to prosper them and not harm them, plans to give them hope and a future.  So, as we all face various challenges with them as they age, new challenges as they hit a new stage in their lives, moving away from one or more parents, stepping into a new world, I pray this prayer over them. May they always know your love for them, may they remember Jeremiah 29:11 when life seems hopeless, when they are not sure what their future holds. May they feel your peace in the chaos of life, your mercy and grace when they make mistakes, your guidance when they don’t know where to go next, and your hand upon their lives and spirit within their souls no matter who or what tries to turn them away from you.  Speak your words into their minds to comfort them as you have so often with me over the years.  Keep them close to your heart as they are close to mine now.  Thank you for the blessing they have been to me and guide me in teaching them your ways and raising them up as you would have me to. Help me to let go when it’s time and hang on when the going gets rough, and most of all, guide me in loving them the way you do, unconditionally and without reservations and with forgiveness, grace, mercy, and immense understanding and patience every step of the way."