January 31, 2011- February Already!

     Tomorrow starts a new month and a new year of life for me. I’ll be 36 on the 7^th. I sure don’t feel like 36, but who ever feels their age anyway?! I do wonder what this year will bring me though, and for the first time in a long time, I’m not in fear of what it will bring, but instead, I am looking forward to it, even if it means big changes or whole new challenges, both of which most certainly will occur.  Life is not predictable. No one is ever safe from all the ups and downs that come with it.  It’s all a matter of how you respond to what happens, how you deal with it that makes it’s heartbreaking or inspirational.  When life knocks you down, do you get up again? When someone slaps you in the face, do you slap back or do you turn the other cheek? However you take on the every day challenges will most likely reveal how you will handle life’s bigger messes. Do you let the small things disrupt your entire day, putting you in a sour mood over nothing much? Do you turn to God when it all falls apart or do you shake your fist and scream at Him?  Over the years, I think I’ve responded in all of the ways above, but in the end the only tactic that every truly worked has been to let go of the bad and trust Him to bring on the good! So, either way God, whatever this year and this month brings, happy or sad, You are in charge, and I trust You to find a way to bring out the good in it! 

January 30, 2011- Chef Boys are They!

     After trying out his chef skills with my boyfriend while his older brother was away at a sleepover a couple of weeks ago, my youngest was excited to get cracking in the kitchen once again, and this time big brother asked to be in on the action too! After choosing a main and side dish recipe from Rachel Ray’s “Top 30-Minute Meals Kid Food” cookbook and shopping for the necessary ingredients we didn’t already have at home, we were ready to cook. My youngest ran upstairs to get the parchment paper chef’s hat my sweetie had made him the last time they cooked together and the three of them got busy making “Devilish Chili Cheese Dogs,” and “Summer-ish Succotash Salad.” Cooking their own food has begun to help broaden their pallets and open up their taste buds to foods other than cheese and processed junk, and as a mom, this is what excites me the most about their latest endeavors at home.  Even though my youngest did not try what he made this time, both boys picked out yogurt at the store for dessert, which they have never considered a treat before. 
     Having fun in the kitchen was a treat too, but the best part of the evening was enjoying each other’s company together at the dinner table. These are the moments when true bonding occurs, and you are able to chat and share each other’s lives more fully as you discuss the day, tell funny stories, or simply laugh together. For example, as we were finishing our flavored French Vanilla yogurt, my boyfriend was checking out the nutritional information on the back of his container and noted out loud in a surprised voice that the small serving he ate was 180 calories. My oldest son replied, “Is that a lot?” to which my darling said, “It’s like 2 beers.”  “Whoa,” my oldest says, and my youngest says, “Oooohhh (and that’s the ‘I’m disgusted’ type of oooohhh), I just ate French beer!” in an incredulous voice.  We all simply laughed, mostly at the way little kids think and relate.  My chef boys are growing up quickly, and I love being able to record the funny things they have said and done over the years, so we’ll have even more stories to chat about over the dinner table when they are grown and coming home to visit.  

January 29, 2011- Leftovers...

     Since we are leaving in a few days, I have been attempting not to go to the store to buy more food that will just go bad while we’re away.  It’s amazing to see how much I really have in the pantry, refrigerator, and freezer when I do this.  As long as I stop myself from going to the store to pick up something really quick for dinner, I find when I get home that there’s more than enough there to feed the kids and me.  This makes me realize how very spoiled I am. There was left over chicken to heat up and simply add gravy for extra flavor, broccoli and carrots to steam, and even some box couscous to go with it all. If I just take a minute to scrounge about the kitchen and think about it, I can see many ways to save a few dollars to put back into savings for the day life is not so free of financial strains.
     I didn’t grow up in a poor family, and I’ve never lived in poverty, and I’m very thankful for that.   In fact, I’ve had my emotional traumas, like we all do, but other than those, I’ve been extremely lucky to have no physical or financial limitations thanks to a mom and dad who worked very hard all their lives (In fact, my dad still works 12 hour shifts as a general practitioner, and he’s almost 70 years old!) to provide for themselves and their three children.  I never went without unless I was just being a brat about what I wanted, which having kids myself now, I find not allowing them whatever they ask for perfectly acceptable, especially when the thing they want is simply not needed, only wanted.  I also did not have the typical financial worries of a young marriage when I moved away from my parents and no longer required their support because my marriage began and ended on this atoll where even those who are paid minimum wage and no more are “rich” by most standards.  Finally, I was blessed to have a college fund set up by my parents to provide me with a good education which has led to the stable teaching and training positions I’ve held the last few years on the island as a single mom.  So, tonight, I may be eating leftovers, but I am far from the bottom of the food chain of life.  I am very, very blessed and thankful for my fortunate circumstances and life thus far. 

January 28, 2011- Whirlwind!

     That’s what today felt like, a whirlwind! From work to lunch with the kids and back to work, then to the grocery store for necessities, and then cleaning the house up for preplanned dinner plans with a friend, it’s amazing how fast time can move when you are busy.  Tomorrow night signals the beginning of another weekend and the end of the first month of 2011.  My kids think an hour is like a lifetime, and I think the hours, and days, and months fly by like seconds, and 24 of those hours and days and months are over when they’ve barely just begun.  Why does time go by so much faster as you grow older? Is it because you know it’s coming to a close, that every minute that goes by is one less minute you’ll live your life, one minute closer to death?  I don’t think so because I’m not thinking about death that much yet...I’m too busy with life. 
     I know death is something my parents think about more now that they are older, but I am not quite there, yet time is already moving faster and faster. How do I stop it or slow it down at least? Tonight, I am slowing it down by recording it, so it can be lived over and over again, this very moment that you are reading about is the here and now and forever will be stuck on Jan. 28, 2011, so maybe that’s the key to the important moments every day. 
     This weekend, I will focus on the slowing down moments, reading to the kids before bed, chatting at the dinner table (as I know my youngest son eats dinner like the turtle running the race against the hare, slow and steady), and snuggling on the couch. That’s all I can do, right? Relish the moments as they come, enjoy them and make them stretch out as long as they can, realizing that they are not forever, and they are simply that, moments in time, memories to treasure, knowing that we cannot hold onto them. We have to let them pass, understanding that although the next moment may not be the same because our kids will be older, and life may be at a different stage, the current moments are no less important or special than the past ones. It’s all a part of the experience, the journey, and where would we be without the journey, stuck at the beginning and never knowing the end. The journey, or the middle, is the best part! It’s where all the meat is. It’s where life, peace, and lasting love resides, in the mundane middle, the heart of the sandwich and the heart of living.   

January 27, 2011- Ready, Break!

     If you’ve been reading my blog regularly, you know that “island fever” has been setting in for me, and it’s time to get away for a bit.  After catching our breath from the sticker shock of how much it always costs to take a short trip away from the tropical paradise we call home, we have finally settled all plans and are ready to go in less than a week now. To give you an idea of how expensive “escaping” island life can be, here’s the breakdown. The flight from here to Hawaii does not change because there’s no competition, so it’s always around $1200-1500 per person, and then you have to try and find some good commercial deals to get past that set of islands and back to the mainland U.S., and depending on where you are going, you are usually in for another $500-$1000 bucks. Unfortunately, because of the combined costs of island hopping from here to HI, and then on, it can be quite pricy, especially if you are going for less than 2 weeks.
     For this short trip, it will just be my boyfriend and I, heading to check on some family as well as take a few days of much needed R & R after a long “fall” season full of hectic job schedules, moving into the house, and so forth.  Although I will miss my boys terribly, I know I’m ready to go because my patience has been running short lately, both at work and at home.  Even some of my co-workers said to me today, “You’re happy to be going on vacation, aren’t you?”  I couldn’t really say no as my smile at the mention of vacation would have betrayed any little white lies I attempted to tell anyway, so I said that I was ready for the break, but I would also miss everyone and be ready to come back too, especially to see my babies. I have found that the saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true for me with my children. Time away puts it all in perspective and helps me remember how much richer my life is because of them.
     It will be approximately two weeks total with travel days taking up more of that time than I care to admit, but any time away will be enough to pick my spirits up and erase whatever little irritations are getting to me now.  That’s always the case...so many residents pick up and leave permanently because they just can’t handle the disadvantages and the little annoyances of life here anymore only to realize later that they simply needed a vacation instead. I will not move away from the atoll without taking a vacation first, so I can verify if I am really leaving for the right reasons.  I’m sure as soon as the cold air of the northwest coast hits me, I’ll be crying for my island sunshine and shorts weather once again, but for now, I’ll relish the rare chance I’ve had over the last 14 years to see my breath in the night air, to bundle up with hot cocoa and my darling by a fireplace, and maybe even throw a snowball or two!

January 26, 2011- Running...

     As I was running around the island tonight, for the first time in quite a while I might add, I thought about the various ways I have been metaphorically running throughout my short life thus far.  As a young girl and later young woman, I found myself running away from things mostly, running away from pain, running away from those people who hurt me, and running away from what I didn’t understand as a way to move forward. Trouble is, running away from my problems never helped me move forward. It only brought me right back to the heart of the matter and prolonged the inevitable painful decisions I had to make to become better and resolve my issues.  As I have matured in age, emotional health, professional experience, and in spiritual matters, I began running toward my goals, running toward what I wanted, even if it was a seemingly impossible goal, running toward it made more sense than giving up or running away this time.  Now, with my professional, personal, and spiritual life the most stable it’s ever been, I find myself running with life. Each day, I am running from classroom to classroom, running to resolve issues and conflicts at work, running to complete all my daily responsibilities to the best of my ability, running to teach my kids and be there for them in every way possible, and simply running to keep up with it all.   The thing is that running with life is the best type of running. Running away from life was painful, running toward future goals was fraught with worry of never reaching my goals, but running to do my job, to take care of my boys, to fulfill my duties in life is satisfying. Yes, it’s exhausting at times, but it’s a good exhaustion like the physical exhaustion of my muscles tonight after pushing them running around the atoll. This evening, I kept telling myself when I wanted to stop to keep going because running would bring me renewed energy, health, and motivation to get into the routine again. That’s what my daily “life running” does for me, gives me renewed energy and motivation to continue what I am doing, realizing that every little step I take toward serving my co-workers or my kids, family, and friends, will bring me new life and help me fulfill my purpose...As Paul writes in Philippians 3:12-14: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." I press on, friends...I press on. Life is not going to stop for me, so I will do the best I can to keep up with it and enjoy the time I have on this earth, running toward all that is good, kind, and loving, in other words, running with God and not away from Him or toward anything other than Him! He knows what’s best for me and all His creations, and He will take you to it if you just let Him!

January 25, 2011-Teaching Consideration...

     I have two little boys who love to be boys, playing video games and pretend play where they are characters from movies or their own imaginations, and most of the time, when they are in the midst of their scenarios, they play well together. But, there are times when they become overly excited or one is doing something in the game the other doesn’t want him to do, or they become just plain tired and grumpy. When this happens, the voices get louder and louder, pushing and shoving ensues, and tears bring mom running to see what happened.  I don’t mind letting them be boys. I know they will sometimes play loudly and that sometimes they will get in fights or hurt each other.  Heck, my own brothers have their stories of one punching the other out in the car on a road trip with the family, and running into each other head on while riding a 10 speed bicycle and a motor bike. For that one, they have identical battle scars on the opposite eyebrows where they had to get stitches. It’s going to happen, but what frustrates me is when a co-worker has to actually close the door to my office because the whining and disagreements have become so loud she cannot work or my couch becomes a trampoline, and I can’t read a book or prepare dinner for more than 5 minutes at a time without having to interrupt them to tell them to settle down because we do have neighbors, and they are inside and need to use inside voices. 
     I mean, come on, I’m a teacher trainer. I’m supposed to be teaching the teachers how to work with pre-schoolers who often don’t listen and can be very disruptive at times, and my own 1^st and 3^rd graders won’t listen to me! I can teach other children how to be considerate, but for whatever reason, it appears much harder to teach my own. Don’t get my wrong. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved my boys are, and they are, when they are at school, at friend’s houses, etc...but in the comfort of their own home or my office, things can get rowdy. And I admit, it’s harder when the children belong to you. It’s almost like you just expect them to be good and learn from you automatically, but you still have to work with them just as hard as you do other people’s children. The challenging part of that is as a parent and not a teacher, you have to continue to work hard with them after a long day at work when you are tired and often don’t have the energy to tell them fifteen times to think of others and settle down. I know all the positive discipline techniques and honestly, all the old school discipline techniques as well, but every child is different, and they are 7 and 9 years old. They know the rules. It’s not a hard concept. It’s getting them to remember to follow them, not just because I asked them to, but because they are thinking of others first. But what 7 and 9 year old kids think of someone else before themselves? How many adults do that on a daily and hourly basis? It takes a conscious, consistent effort on all our parts, as selfish beings, to think of others first, so I know I need to have the patience of Job to keep working with them on this one. 
     Tonight, I didn’t have that patience. I had enough! I told them in a quiet, gentle voice I don’t know how many times over the last few weeks at my office and house to play more quietly and to not stand on the furniture.  I talked to them about consideration of others. I have neighbors who live a very quiet life without pets or children, and they don’t want to hear my kids screaming through the wall. I don’t want to hear them screaming in the house either. I have apologized to my co-workers one too many times. It’s a privilege for them to even be allowed at work with me. Maybe it’s one I need to take away to help them understand the importance of appropriate behavior in an office setting.
     How do you teach consideration?  I’m embarrassed to say, I lost the battle with it myself tonight. I raised my voice and asked them why I had to do that to get them to listen and be serious with me. Tears were flowing from all of us at one point or another, and our prayers included asking God to help us be more considerate of others and to forgive us for not listening to each other and raising our voices.  We were all exhausted by the time it was done, and it was not a relaxing evening, unfortunately. Even knowing all the proper techniques for teaching children, I am at a loss for what else to do at times.  So, I asked them. Why do you listen to your teachers at school, but not to me?  “Because we don’t want to be expelled or sent to the principal’s office,” my oldest replied. Well, how can I compete with that? I can’t expel them from my house, but I can take away privileges.  That’s my least favorite thing to do because it ruins the evenings and weekends for everyone when one child is not allowed to do anything fun.  Even though I now have a place to be with my boys, the time I get with them is still precious, and I don’t want them to be on restriction during it, but I have to make a choice of which is more important now. Teaching consideration, a character trait to last them for a lifetime, or doing something fun, like going to the beach or camping or having an ice cream cone, which is temporary, and only teaches them that having fun is more important than thinking of others first. Hmmm...that’s sounds like a much easier choice now that I’ve written it out.  :)      

January 24, 2011- Pontoon Diving...

     As my boyfriend and I relaxed and read books this morning, he suddenly broke the quiet by asking, "What do you want to do today?" And for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I told him, "Why don't we take the pontoon boat out?"  So, that's what we did.  We packed a cooler with egg salad sandwiches, fruit, water, and Pringles, loaded the boat with our snorkel and dive gear and headed off. We stopped early on to check out some of the "debris" near the islands a short way from Roi. It was super low tide, and we had been told there was a tank in the water a couple of islands away that you could spot at low tide because it's turret sticks up out of the water.  After a couple of false alarms, we found something, so we anchored as close in as we could without hitting coral, donned our fins and masks and jumped it.  As we approached, the coral got heavier and heavier, and the water got shallower and shallower. We had to literally crawl across the bottom to get close to the "debris" near shore, watching out for our exposed body parts as the coral in the area was quite sharp and dangerous if you get cut.  It was a tank, but I think a Japanese one instead of American as we originally expected. Most of it was either gone or buried so far in the sand you couldn't see it anymore, but it was definitely a tank.  Nearby, we also discovered what we think might have been cargo cars for the railway between islands that the Japanese built during the war so many years ago. It's amazing to think of how they built everything they did back in the 1940's way out in the middle of nowhere!
     Next, we headed a little further down for a dive.  The coral in the spot we ended up reminded me of coral from the animated kids' movie "The Little Mermaid."  Remember how it rises up in flat flower like platforms where the creatures and mermaids stand and play instruments from while underwater?  Well, that's what it looked like in this particular spot.  Pink tabletop corals rose above and all around us like castles of coral. you could really believe there was a royal world of kings and princesses down there when gliding past the colorful and plentiful fish of the Pacific. At one point, we even found a lazy turtle, camouflaged against the coral head waiting for us to leave, so he could move on or get back to whatever he was doing before we interrupted him.  We took a full hour down there, and I barely got chilled, which is unusual for me. It was a relaxing dive with lots of sightseeing, including the little cleaner fish that swam around and around my boyfriend's bare arm hairs, trying to clean them. : )
    Finally, we warmed back up on the surface with our food and the sun surrounding us.  It was so quiet and peaceful out on the water, even further away from the rest of the world. It's been too long since I was out there.  It was a good way to spend the day!

January 23, 2011- Lost Keys

     Today, while my boyfriend was so graciously preparing us a late lunch/early dinner, we received a call from a friend who had lost her keys while snorkeling in one of the "Japanese pools" near the end of the runway.  These pools are rectangle size holes in the solid coral where it was blasted out to connect the islands of Roi and Namur together during WWII when the Japanese had taken over and established their command center here.  It's a great place to snorkel during low tide because often sharks and other large sea creatures become trapped there until the tide rises again, and they can swim back into the open ocean. At any rate, my boyfriend agreed to help them look for the lost keys by diving in the murky water, and completing a planned search pattern of the entire areas.  Unfortunately, he was unable to locate them, but he had a good time trying.  That's the key to navigating through life peacefully and successfully in my mind, taking the "lost key" events and making adventures out of them.  Yes, it will cause a bit of trouble for my friend to resolve issues related to the lost keys if she is not able to find them upon a second look tomorrow, but that's part of life too, isn't it? Learning how to deal with its disappointments and finding ways to more forward despite them.  We all make mistakes, and we all have to deal with the consequences of those mistakes in one way or another, but if we can find the "silver lining" through those dark, stormy days, we will find ourselves all the more well adjusted and able to handle the next storm cloud that descends upon us, whatever it is. My friend said, as we waited for my boyfriend to emerge from his dive in the pool, "I planned this all just for you, so you could get out and enjoy diving and the challenge of finding my keys."  I thought that was a great way to look at it, and my boyfriend and I truly did enjoy the time spent looking for the keys today. Although he was disappointed to not be able to find them for her, he absolutely enjoyed every minute in the water, and I enjoyed getting to know my friend better while we chatted the afternoon away!

January 22, 2011- PCS Dreams...

    On the base, we only receive Armed Forces Network channels for TV and radio entertainment. In order to be able to get all the top network shows, the Armed Forces Network (AFN for short), does not run traditional commercials in order to not have to pay top prices for the best shows.  So, in place of Downy ads or movie previews, we get informational and service ads created mostly by the military specifically for AFN. One of these is called "PCS Dreams," and it explains to people how to better prepare for a PCS move.  The military is full of acronyms, and even though the majority of residents on Kwajalein are not active duty military or even government employees, we still use all the acronyms. PCS means "Permanent Change of Station," or in layman's terms, permanently leaving the island for adventures elsewhere.  Tonight, I am on Roi, without my children for the first time in quite a while, and we attended a PCS party for two dear Roi Rats who are moving back to Hawaii next week.  That's one of the difficult parts of living here, saying goodbye to friends. Every former Kwaj resident I've ever corresponded with after PCSing from the island tells me the things they miss most are the friendships and ease of life here.  You have more time to spend with people. You have more quality time with family and friends than you can in the states. Everyone lives so close that it's simple to get together frequently to cook out at the beach or watch a game on TV.  For me, I think it will be bittersweet. I've watched many people come and go and come back again from the islands over my long term stint here, and usually, even though I'm sad to see them go, I am also excited for their new adventures they will be going to. When it's time to go, I know I'll be ready and looking forward to where the journey from the atoll will take me, but I will also miss a few things. I'll miss the indescribable colors of the waters here as well as being out on them and in them. I'll miss being able to stop by my best friend's house whenever I want and play with her kids while catching up on life that week or month. I'll miss how quick and easy it is to get to where I need to go and take care of shopping and errands in a flash. I'll miss walking the beach and looking for treasures and camping at the beach shacks on Roi.  I'll miss the lifestyle, the people I've been blessed to make lifelong friendships and relationships with, and the warm sunshine all year round.  My PCS dream will include leaving here on my terms before the place has become sour for me, knowing I have very exciting plans to move on to in the future.

January 21, 2011- Friday Night Fires...

     Tonight, my mind is not on the warm breezes and swaying palm fronds of the atoll, but instead it is on the hiking trails of the Northwest United States and the heavily wooded land rising up behind my boyfriend’s family land in Oregon.  If I could right now, I would transport myself to this place, sitting by the backyard campfire they love to chat around on a chilly Friday night in the summers.  I know it’s not summer there right now, although that’s a hard concept to grasp when you live in a place where it’s always summer. I also know it’s probably a lot colder there than I am imagining right now, and the “Friday Night Fires” are probably being held in the house fueled by the warmth of family instead of actual fire, but that is all I am longing for right now anyway, to be surrounded by the love, warmth, and familiarity of family.

     On the other side of the U.S., in my hometown, where it rarely ever gets down to freezing temperatures, it’s been snowing a lot lately, very unusual for Alabama. Seeing pictures of my mom playing in the snow with dad is the closest I’ve been to them in over 6 months now.  I miss long talks with my mom, taking the kids to the latest exhibit at the botanical gardens or local museum. I miss making and having dinner with both my families in Alabama and Oregon.  I miss hiking the trails in the Northwest and going to the movies with the kids and my dad or going shopping with mom while dad takes the kids to the movies. :)  Basically, I miss having the opportunity to see my family and friends whenever homesickness strikes, and it seems to always strike around the “six month without a vacation” mark on the atoll calendar.  So, family and friends, give yourself a big hug from me tonight and see if you can feel the love from 6,000 miles away!                                                                     

 

January 20, 2011- Tooth Fairy Notes

     About three weeks ago, I was wondering out loud when my 7 year old would begin losing his baby teeth because I know my oldest had already lost a few by the middle of first grade.  Interestingly enough, a couple of days later, we discovered not one, but two of his bottom teeth were loose.  It was during out last campout on Roi.  We had grilled out and were in the middle of eating dinner.  Amazingly, my youngest had made an exception to his general “cheese and bread products only” rule and was daring to eat corn on the cob.  This is when he discovered something funny going on in his mouth.  He said eating the corn on the cob was hurting his teeth, and after some investigation, we discovered his first wobbly tooth. How exciting! This tooth finally came out the weekend before last, but the second loose one, discovered a couple of days after the first, hung on until this past weekend.  When he woke up on Monday morning, I noticed the previously small gap between his bottom teeth looked larger.  The other tooth was gone! What happened to it?  We never found out, but we can only assume he swallowed it, possibly while eating popcorn not long before bedtime on Sunday evening.  As we had no tooth to put under his pillow, we forgot about it for a day or two, but then I told him we should write a note to the Tooth Fairy anyway, and that’s what we did last night.  Composed by his older brother and written down by me, the note explained to the tooth fairy what we thought had happened to his tooth and asked if she/he could leave a treat anyway. A lollipop to help the next tooth come out sooner for the Fairy’s collection and some change for the piggy bank was found under his pillow by a sleepy eyed boy the next morning.  Santa and the tooth fairy, it’s so much fun to be a part of a child’s world again where lollipops, magic, and imagination rule the day!

January 19, 2011- Lagoon Swim...

     I’m embarrassed to say that it’s been over six months since I took the time to get some real exercise.  I was swimming, walking/running, and practicing yoga two plus times a week before leaving for summer vacation in June, but since arriving back in July, I haven’t stretched on one yoga mat, worn out one running shoe, or broke one pair of goggles, which means I haven’t done much in terms of working on staying fit and trim.  I have always gone in stages when it comes to exercising. I enjoy it, but it tends to fall by the wayside when my schedule gets tight.  But, I know the benefits far outweigh the time and effort it takes to fit it into my schedule, so as part of the New Year, I decided to start again tonight with a swim in the lagoon. I began doing this last year in order to prepare for the Rusty Family event with my sons.  I was the swimmer, and then we all biked and ran together to the finish line.  I had never swum in the event before or even in that particular length of the lagoon, and it is amazing! How cool is it to swim in the world’s largest lagoon, the waves carrying you to and from your destination and enjoying the view as you go.  There are better snorkeling spots, but swimming in the lagoon versus any plain swimming pool, is like enjoying your own personal aquarium! When my goggles are not fogging up, I check out the various fish and corals present all around me while I rotate between breaststroke, freestyle, and even the occasional back and side strokes.  Today, the water was pretty choppy and full of silt, and tonight, I can tell it’s been a while since my muscles carried me along in that way, but it felt really good, and I know I will sleep good tonight to prove it!

January 18, 2011- Getting Dirty...

     This afternoon, I had the opportunity to go grab some good soil, haul it back home in a large recycle bin on the back of my burley trailer with my bike, and shovel it into the nasty looking spots in my yard where we pulled out the gravel and weeds a couple of weeks back.  It was really fun to run my fingers through the dirt and spread it just right, and all that hard work makes my yard look so much more presentable.  My youngest son was our ace number one helper today, getting dirty in the yard with me and making dinner with my boyfriend tonight.  He chose the recipe this morning; we shopped for the ingredients together around lunch time, and he made Fettuccini Alfredo, steamed broccoli, carrots, and mushrooms, and a fruit salad with a yogurt and honey dressing to top it all off! It was excellent, and I’m so thankful for my sweetheart, who has the patience of Job, to walk my son through this special experience of learning how to cook.  Cooking is something they both enjoy being a part of, so it’s the ideal activity for them to do together.  I, on the other hand, am not all that great at it, nor do I have much patience with cooking and all the how to’s in order to make it just right.  I tend to get frustrated easily, especially with activities that do not come naturally to me.  Give me something written to edit, and I feel completely confident with that task, but ask me to chop something in a particular way, and I instantly feel nervous and usually end up cutting myself. This morning, I cut myself with a butter knife slicing pre-cut bagels for breakfast. Yikes! I probably shouldn’t admit that, but it’s true. 
     At any rate, life falls into both the categories of cooking and yard work for me. In terms of the cooking part, I don’t always go about it in the most efficient manner, and it doesn’t always look very presentable, but I always make it to the end result, nourishing my body and soul, even if it was in a round about way. And as for the yard work, it may  be a little messy, but taking the time to pull out the weeds and lay down some nutrient rich soil leads to a much more presentable and contented daily walk. For some reason, the last few days and weeks of my life have felt unsettled, and frustrations have run high both at work and at home.  Life is sometimes complicated and dirty, and it rarely turns out the way you expect it to. The dinner takes longer to prepare than you anticipated; family members fall ill unexpectedly; your parents get remarried after over 2 decades apart; your marriage turns sour and nothing you do can seem to make it sweet again; your friends disappoint you, and your children don’t always make the best choices, and you don’t always say and do all the right things for those you love the most. Even work can be messy with daily miscommunication or lack of communication, co-workers who can’t let go and let others help them, and everyone having their own way and time line for completing tasks that the rest of us believe we can do faster and better. We’re all very unique, and life is never easy or clean all the time, it just is what it is.  To quote to famous Forrest Gump’s mom, “Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get.” And so I am reminded once again that I can only do the best I can with each moment God gives me, seek to make it right when mistakes are made, and hand the rest over to the Almighty!                                                                             

January 17, 2011- 4-H Nene Picnic Day!

      Today was the culminating event of another successful 4-H Ebeye Citizenship Club, the outer island picnic on Nene!  This is the third year of the club, and our third time to take the long, but fulfilling journey to one of the most beautiful islands in all of the Marshalls. The citizenship club with our neighboring elementary school students from Ebeye is all about being good neighbors, learning about and sharing our varying cultures, and protecting our environment through clean-up days and enjoying the pristine environment of the outer islands.  The outer island picnic is a favorite event of every club member and their families. It starts with the boat ride to Ebeye from Kwajalein and meeting up with our friends from the Ebeye Public School. Then, we take a 25 minute bumpy bus ride down the man-made crushed coral causeway connecting the islands between Ebeye and Guegeegue.  Finally, the bus stops when it can go no further due to the shoreline growth, the narrowness of the end of the last island before Nene, and the impeding reef.  Next, we reef walk. Today, the tide was coming up enough to wet our feet as we headed across in the 70 degree plus water. It makes the reef slippery, so you have to navigate carefully.  Once across, there’s another short walk through the brush until the island of Nene opens up before us with tall coconut palms shading an area of white, soft sand and green, grassy patches.  There’s one small home located on the island along with a pig pen and a covered area for cooking, eating, and relaxing in the heat of the day.  For fresh water, a couple of water catchments provide plenty for the small number of regular residents, and with no electricity, Nene can be categorized as true outer island living in a gorgeous setting far from the suburban lifestyle of Ebeye. There’s no way to get there except by boat or on foot, so once there, and without plans to have someone with transportation meet you when you arrive back to the causeway, you have to be ready to live the simple life of an islander, fishing for food, doing your business in the surrounding jungle, and “camping out” in the fullest sense of the word.   

     When we arrived, someone had just caught a few small fish for lunch or dinner and had them sitting in a small metal pan in the shade. A mattress situated under the cover of the cooking area provided a perfect resting spot for one of the residents who immediately took to my friend’s smiling three year old and began chatting with him. We brought our picnic foods, which usually includes both Marshallese and American fare ranging from coconut rice balls and breadfruit delicacies to cheese and crackers, fruit, and peanut butter and honey sandwiches. A particular favorite today was the cinnamon spice popcorn brought by one of the second graders on the trip from Kwaj.  Last year, I remember everyone enjoying and trying the boiled breadfruit still in its hard, bumpy, green outer casing from the abundant breadfruit trees on the island. It’s yellowish and stringy and reminds me a bit of sweet potato in looks and taste. It definitely requires a toothpick or dental floss after trying it out.  We also usually have the pleasure of drinking coconut juice straight from the coconut, but yesterday presented a few challenges for our friends with power being out on Ebeye and at the school, which kept our Ebeye friends from being fully prepared to refrigerate and cook their local dishes to share with us, so instead we enjoyed and shared what we had in the extremely generous nature of the Pacific islands cultures.  Several of our group swam and searched for beach glass, which is in abundance on Nene, but mostly we just relaxed from our long, hot journey, basking in the beauty of life on an atoll.

     Due to rising tides and the bus and boat schedules, we couldn’t stay on “island time” for long and had to head back after only a short while on Nene to catch our bus in order to make the next boat back to our home island in time.  But before leaving, we discussed the beauty of the island asking, “What do you think of it here? Emon? (good?)” to which there was a resounding, “Emon, Emon,” from the Marshallese crowd and cheers and clapping from the American crew.  “Well, we want to keep it this way, right? In fact, we’d love to see Ebeye and the rest of the Marshalls become this beautiful again, right?” So, we talked about packing out what we packed in, taking our “Kobej” and putting it in the trash can, and making sure the water and land in the RMI stays as magnificent today as it was years ago, just like Nene.  This is one subject that appears to need little to no translation as the kids can all see the importance of a clean environment in the islands when they experience it first hand, including what it can be and should look like from the perspective of the virtually untouched outer islands. It was a perfect end to another perfect 4-H outer island picnic event, and I’m already looking forward to next year’s journey!  :)

January 16, 2011- Chillaxing...

     Thanks to a dear friend and co-worker, my life got a little easier than weekend, and I was able to spend the majority of the day “chillaxing” as I’ve been told the most current teen slang is to describe my Sunday on  Kwaj.  Chillaxing is a mix of “chill” and “relax,” and I’m all in for that! The reason why I was able to chill and relax so much today was because of one simple American luxury, a dishwasher! I have been hand washing dishes, which I found so therapeutic after not having a kitchen or even two sinks with which to wash and rinse in for so long, but as a time-saver, I must admit, the dishwasher is nice.  I am still a little compulsive and must rinse fairly thoroughly before I feel comfortable transferring my dishes and silverware to the custody of the mechanical hands of this miracle human invention! But, for whatever reason, I truly believe when I am removing the warm, slightly humid dishes from the washer at the end of the cycle that they are so much cleaner and more fully sanitized than I could ever do on my own.  Call me crazy, but as I’ve said more than once before in this blog, it’s the little things that make all the difference sometimes.  A home made meal, a consistent discipline routine and schedule for little ones struggling with transitions, a tool to help you make cleaning faster and easier, a weekend with no plans and plenty of time to chillax can bring more peace and happiness than a perfect family life or an ideal career or even a perfect day because it’s the little moments in time that we draw strength to carry on with. It’s the small acknowledgment of our hard work or the encouraging word from a friend that carries us through an entire day, week, or month. It’s the enduring love of family or the laughter of our children that makes it all worthwhile. So, today, it’s a modern convenience that brings me joy accompanied by the generosity of friends who are so inclined to give me a dishwasher simply because they hated to keep it knowing there was someone else who could use it!

January 15, 2011- That’s What I’m Talking About!

     It’s finally the weekend; my boyfriend came down from Roi; the boys are staying with me, and we had some very delicious fajitas and margaritas for dinner, then topped the night off watching a movie together! Now, “that’s what I’m talking about,” just as the character Mr. Gru states in the movie Despicable Me. That’s what I needed so desperately after a long week at work, time with family eating my favorite type of food (Mexican fare), telling stories, laughing, and escaping for a couple of hours into someone else’s world through the movies.  That’s what I’ve been missing...Unfortunately, I don’t have anything spectacular about the day to discuss or any insights to share as I’m exhausted from the week, and some days and weeks we are just doing what we can to get through, but I do hope those of you reading my blog take the time to enjoy your off time this weekend by catching up with friends or family, being thankful for the blessings life has given you, and finding joy in the little things like fajitas and movies and the laughter of children or whatever it is that makes you smile from the inside out! Don’t hesitate to leave a comment and share what brings that smile to your face this weekend, and I’ll “talk” to you again tomorrow!

January 14, 2011-One more day...

     It’s now one more day until the weekend. That’s how some weeks are, just waiting for that time off.  It’s not that it’s been a bad week at work, but it has been very busy and at times, very frustrating.  I think the hardest thing about any job where you have to work with others and depend on them to take care of things is letting go and trusting them to do their jobs.  When everyone doesn’t do what they are assigned, then you have infighting, and it ends up with a manager having to step in and manage the people and the situation. I am very lucky to work with a group of very dedicated ladies who love children and are very good in their classrooms, but they experience stress like everyone else and sometimes they don’t get along, like everyone else, and sometimes they are just waiting for the weekend too.  So, the key is to learn how to work together successfully even when the days are long and our co-workers are frustrating us.  Keeping a positive outlook and communicating goes a long way.  Thank goodness for 2 days off every 5 days because we all need it to rejuvenate and renew our spirits and get ready for another 5 days of hard and rewarding work!

January 13, 2011- What Can I Say?

    

     The title of today’s blog is in tribute to a friend of mine from way back.  There were very few people with whom I was comfortable sharing my journals and writing growing up, and by growing up I mean not only as a junior high and high school student (I started journaling off and on around age 12 when my 6^th grade teacher assigned it to us in class, and I became hooked outside of class), but also as an adult until the last few months.  This blog has helped me to open up and begin sharing things in writing with the wider world that I never would have dared to share previously. I am thankful for that, and all the other benefits writing has brought me over the years, but there are days when I struggle over what to write about, and obviously, there are days when my musings are just that, musings, devoid of any spectacular insights to share or wisdom to relay.

     When I was in college and dared to share my writing with my friend and next door neighbor from my apartment complex, I would often start my writing with the title question of this entry, “What can I say?”  He used to tease me about that way of starting my written reflections, but I look back now and realize that was how I got myself going when writer’s block was setting in.  I didn’t know what to write, and I needed to write something, to start somewhere, revolutionary or not, to move into the writing mode. Surprisingly, it worked! And it appears that it still does as I was at a loss for what to reflect upon tonight as well. 

     That’s what journaling is all about anyway, not what you write or even how you write, just that you are writing.  One common exercise to get students in writing classes going is to have them write for 5 or 10 minutes without stopping. The rules are simple, write anything that comes into your head, making sure to keep your pen moving until the teacher says stop.  This may mean you write, “I don’t know what to write” or “Hello” over and over again, but eventually, your mind will give you more words to play with, and most students are surprised that such a simple exercise can get them writing more than they ever have before and sometimes they even begin enjoying it!  So, what can I say?  I love writing, no matter how it starts or ends, because it’s the adventure of figuring out where it’s going to take you and enjoying the journey along the way that makes it worthwhile, just like life! 

January 12, 2011- Just Another Day...

     In the states, today would have been what one of my elementary school teachers dubbed, “Hump Day.”  It’s the middle of the week or the “hump” of the caterpillar she had up on the wall whose segments each had one day of the week written on them.  Here, it’s just another day, and the second day of the five day work week instead of the third. Things have picked back up at work and school after the “doldrum” days of the holiday season when lots of children and their families are working shorter hours, on vacations, having fun with visiting family, etc..., and it’s been a bit of a struggle for me to motivate myself back into that “full boar” work mode.  I feel that I am getting further and further behind at work, but I’m still so tired by the end of the day that I am not motivated to get caught up.  Well, at some point it will have to be done, and when I begin to push that deadline, I’ll kick back into gear and find my motivation to go a few more months.  It’s just like exercising. When you get out of the habit for a while, it seems so hard to get back on track, but once you take the first step to get out again, it’s downhill from there.  Living on an island, when you get to the “unmotivated stage,” it often means it’s time for a short break or vacation.  Maybe that’s where I’m at, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to get off the rock soon for a short trip.  Until then, it’s back to the grind!

January 11, 2011- Reflection...

     Some days are better filled with quiet reflection than with too many words. When my boyfriend and I traveled to Bali, Indonesia for a yoga retreat a couple of years ago, there was one day when they challenged us with silence. We could write, drawn, mentally reflect, and of course, we had our yoga and meditation sessions along with a massage or two already lined up, but our meals were served to us separately and very much alone. I did spend some of the time writing and drawing, but mostly I remember feeling frustrated because I couldn’t express myself verbally when I wanted to.  If you know me at all, you can probably imagine how difficult it was for me to stay silent for an entire 24 hours.  I wish I was better at it...Listening is a skill I have yet to fully master. Reflecting is one I have been working on, particularly through this blog, but meditation and true silent periods in my life are rare and very challenging to come by. But some days, it is necessary, to give us time to process, to sort out emotions, and to adjust to new challenges or difficulties life presents us.  Today was one of those days for me. I needed a moment or two of true silence, and it was, as usual, hard to come by at work and at home with the kids.  So, you do what you need to do and push through...I will have time for silence tomorrow night, when the boys are not with me, when I am all alone in my home again, time to reflect, renew, and put life back in perspective in the midst of current challenges and circumstances.  

January 10, 2011- Missing Family...

I know I have said it before, but being so far away from family is the worse part of living on an island so remotely located from the rest of the world.  Today, we mostly worked around the house and in the yard and relaxed before the start of another work week in the morning, but I can’t help but wish we could have our family over for dinner or that we could take a drive to see them for the afternoon.  Lately, several of my acquaintances and friends on island have suffered losses of family members or have been diagnosed with cancers which have forced them back to the states for intensive, long term treatment, and even closer to home, family members from both mine and my boyfriend’s families have suffered some sort of illness which required hospitalization and sometimes major surgery.  These are the times when everything else here falls away, and you just want to go back home to be with the ones you love.  These are the times when all the advantages of living here seem like disadvantages because in the end, relationships and family are what means the most...that you invested time and energy into making them the best you could be and enjoyed them while you could. No life lasts forever...That it what will assist me most in overcoming my fear of leaving this island paradise for the “real world” again...knowing I will be going back to the unconditional love of family, knowing I will be investing in the people and things that matter most, even if it means sacrificing being able to save more money for the future or having a comfortable lifestyle with relatively little effort as the island life here affords us. In the end, I know God will take care of me, no matter what the circumstances are I have to face. I only hope I can be there for those who mean so much, for now and from so far away, as much as they have been there for me, and that I will have a chance to make up for time lost while living on the atoll once I return to the states. God, please continue to bless and watch over our loved ones near and far and bring us back to them sooner rather than later and as often as possible. 

January 9, 2011- Sushi, Hai!!

    

You would think that living on an island in the South Pacific, we would have our fill our fish delicacies, such as sushi and sashimi, but it’s a rare evening that we have the fresh resources and necessary Asian ingredients to enjoy this treat. There was a time a few years back that you could get fresh fish on just about any given weekend, even if you weren’t the fisherman.  Just head down to the small boat marina between 5-6 pm on a Sunday or Monday, when the rental boats are due in and the privately owned boats were wrapping up for the day, and you could watch as the fish were gutted and cleaned, then purchase enough for a meal that night or to freeze and use for several meals over the next few weeks. If you were lucky, you’d find a friend down there who wouldn’t even take payment, and you had a nice chunk of Ahi Tuna or Ono that would cost a bundle at any restaurant, but you got it for free.

     I remember getting phone calls at home on days when I wasn’t even looking for fish from friendly fishermen who had such a good catch they had all they wanted and had trouble getting rid of the rest, so they began calling friends to take some of their hands.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had one of those calls.  Recently, though, our grocery store has been getting in frozen Ahi Tuna, defrosting it and cutting it into the perfect bite size pieces for sashimi (which is just plain raw fish, usually served with a delicious soy and Wasabi based dipping sauce) or for making sushi rolls.  As you can imagine, with the lack of fresh fish coming off the local recreational fishing boats, these trays of fish go fast! I saw some on Friday and by today, it was all gone, but they still had some large filets left in the frozen section, so we picked up a couple along with the staples of cucumber, rice, Nori (seaweed) paper, and avocados for making California rolls and tuna rolls. We even tried some with the meat from a bag of King crab legs I had in the freezer. It was totally worth the effort (well, I didn’t have to put much effort forth, but my boyfriend did-Sushi is not a quick and easy meal to put together). I, however, count my blessings for being lucky enough to have such a talented cook for a boyfriend and to be able to enjoy the fruits of his labor, as usual. Thank you, Honey! :) 

     I have often wondered about the decrease in fresh fish on the island in recent years, and when we arrived home from grocery shopping, a fisherman friend stopped by and saw the fish out on the counter as we were unloading our purchases, and he asked us to look on the package and see where it was coming from.  In return, I asked about how the fishing was going for him lately, and he mentioned that the recreational fishermen out here rarely catch anything these days due to the large fishing nets China has been allowed to put out since the Republic of the Marshall Islands government decided to let them fish their waters.  I was aware they had agreed to this, but not that it had already so vastly affected the waters near Kwajalein. This saddened me as the environment here has remained so pristine and unaffected by the pollution, reef damage, and over fishing that many other areas of the world suffer from.  It is still, compared to other waters, pristine and untouched by the ravishes that so often accompany the touch of mankind on remote, isolated areas, but it will eventually succumb to the way of the world, to consumerism, to westernization. It already has in many ways.  The gap between the rest of the world and all the tiny atolls in the Pacific is closing faster and faster.  It’s inevitable...the world gets smaller and smaller with each passing decade.  This is all the more reason to enjoy the remoteness of island life while we still can. 

January 8, 2011-Taking Care of Business...

    

     Today’s agenda consisted of work, work, and more work! I was so tired by the time I arrived home to my lovely boyfriend who was completing routing the upstairs cable system to the downstairs television that I just wanted to lie down.  Alas, it was not time yet as we needed to shop for dinner, complete final touches on the cable installation, and put together my new Burley trailer for my bike that just came in the mail yesterday! On the atoll, everyone rides bicycles, and most people have some sort of trailer to pull groceries, backpacks, snorkel and/or scuba gear, and, of course, beach chairs and coolers around the island.  I haven’t had one since mine rusted in half not long before I moved in my house, which was a good week or two before Thanksgiving, so I was thrilled to receive this belated present from my darling! It was late not because it wasn’t ordered early enough to make the long trip out here, but because the produce and mail planes were delayed due to mechanical problems and other critical work materials taking priority over our groceries and holiday gifts. You can imagine the uproar from the community when they realized we would not have fresh produce for Christmas dinner! Oh well, after a while, minor issues like that don’t rile you up anymore.  We did just fine with what we could find on island for our holiday dinner, and it’s always nice to have a few extra presents to look forward to after the big day is over.  The only negative part for me was the late arrival of the family Christmas cards, so now I will be spending part of this weekend addressing and sending out cards to family and friends who have most likely already put all their holiday decorations and greeting cards away until next year. That’s life on the atoll...at least I have a semi-reasonable excuse for getting my greetings out late this year! :) 

January 7, 2011- Cheese and Crackers...

     Today, at lunch, my children each had a “lunchable.” These consist of Ritz crackers, processed cheese slices, and processed turkey meat.  I know, it sounds “delicious,” doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, both my kids are picky eaters and have gotten used to the processed kid foods the world has “marketed” us into eating over the natural, healthier options.  The worst part is that my youngest only eats the crackers and cheese, and that’s about all he eats, period! It’s so hard to be creative and make him eat anything else. He has very sensitive and discriminating taste buds (or “taste bugs” as he used to call them), and he knows if there’s anything else on his cheese pizza or in his grilled cheese than just cheese and bread. In fact, he regularly asks before eating anything provided him, “Is this just cheese?”  At the chow hall on Roi this past weekend, he was holding his nose while he ate his grilled cheese, so I asked him, “Is something wrong with your sandwich? Why are you holding your nose while you eat it?” He replied with, “It smells like it has pickles on it.”  My boyfriend and I figure he’s either going to be a cheese taster at the famous “Tillamook Cheese Factory” some day or some type of famous chef because his pallet is so discriminating. There were no pickles on the sandwich, but he smelled something else in the dining hall and had trouble keeping it from his taste buds. 

     Maybe it’s because of the lack of vision in one eye that he’s developed an extra keen sense of smell. Who knows, but I usually compare him to Frances from the book, “Bread and Jam for Frances” by Russell Hoban, which is about a kid just like my little boy, a picky eater.  At lunch, while eating his cheese and crackers, he said, “why do I always have to eat cheese and crackers?” I responded, “because that’s the only thing you like.”  This is just like Frances in the story, who only eats bread and jam for every meal and snack of the day while everyone else around her has a variety of delicious foods.

     As I struggle to figure out why he only eats these two items, I think of how crazy his young life has been, the second child of parents who divorced when he was very young, then traveling around from place to place every other weekend for three years just to enjoy time with mom, and so many other little changes to his life and schedule regularly thrown at him from early on. He is definitely a “structure craving” child. He does not adjust well to quick changes in routine or transitions. He’s become much better at it, but as a preschooler, I had to “prepare him” before any change in his daily life ahead of time, so that he wouldn’t “freak out,” so to speak, and pitch a huge fit.  He has also always been in need of a certain amount of control over his circumstances, ever since he was a baby, which shows how much of those traits are genetic and not just learned.  All children need some structure and personal power over them circumstances as they grow, but I do believe, from my own experience as an educator and a mom, that some children need much more of it than others.  We have to be able to adjust our strategies for working with our kids as mothers and teachers to different personalities and needs of the children in our care, and my youngest has taught me a lot about how to do that as he is so very different from his big brother. 

     In regards to my son’s eating habits, I’ve decided that his “cheese and crackers” is a symbol of structure for him; it’s knowing just what to expect, and it gives him his measure of control at least 3 times a day when “he decides” what he will eat, not someone else.  We all need that sometimes, that reassurance that life is stable and not going to change on us all of a sudden, and if cheese and crackers helps him get through the day, then cheese and crackers it is. I do hope, at some point, that he will learn to enjoy the abundance of fabulous foods and choices the world has to offer and roll a little easier with the changes it will most definitely send his way, but for now, I will continue to stock up on his “staple structure foods” and thus provide him with the stable environment he needs to grow into that very big, well-defined, and strong-willed personality of his. :)

January 6, 2011- Butterflies and Bird Baths

     It’s butterfly season in the islands. Over the weekend, on our “Sunday Drives” around Roi-Namur, not only did we find the chickens and roosters, but we also saw tons and tons of butterflies! I love this time of year. They virtually surrounded the cart as we meandered through the jungle, fluttering about and flirting, males showing off their beautiful black wings with yellow and purple spots while chasing the neutral colored girls with brown markings.  My son loves to collect caterpillars around this time and put them in his glass aquarium out back at his dad’s house to watch them chrysalis and turn into butterflies.  Being novices at raising butterflies, sometimes they surprise us and form a cocoon and become moths.  A friend of ours who used to dabble in “butterfly farming” found my oldest a caterpillar last year that she said was fat and ready to turn, so he took him home and within a day or two his head popped off (which shocked and startled me), and he hibernated into his chrysalis, then within short order, he was ready to fly off into a brand new world.   I was not aware of the difference between a cocoon and chrysalis until our encounter with this very knowledgeable friend. And since I am not always so good at explaining the natural order of things in my own words, I have borrowed these from Answers.com: “A cocoon is a covering made of silk that encloses a pupa, and a chrysalis is the pupa of a butterfly. The chrysalis is covered in a hard, chitnous shell. Note the difference: A cocoon is a covering of a pupa, and a chrysalis is a particular kind of pupa, usually with no enclosing cocoon. Inside a cocoon, you will often find a pupa of a moth or other insect with an inner chitinous shell, but it is not called a chrysalis unless it is the pupa of a butterfly. The pupae of some insects have visible external body structures, such as wings and legs, as they develop, while others (such as moths) have a smooth outer shell that encloses the developing structures.” (In case you are wondering like I was, chitnous is actually a word, and it is an adjective from the root word of chitin, which means, ‘A tough semitransparent substance forming the principal component of arthropod exoskeletons and the cell walls of certain fungi,’ according to the American Heritage College Dictionary.) At any rate, it’s all very fascinating, but unfortunately, we do not have the same abundance of butterflies and moths here on Kwajalein, so I was excited today to venture under a tree across the street from my house and have one of the island’s magnificent black male butterflies find its way right in front of my path.  It’s these little things that make my day, that bring a smile to my face, just like the tiny bird I saw bathing in a puddle right off the side of the road on my way to the post office.  Butterflies and bird baths, two of the simple pleasures of daily life on the atoll!

January 5, 2011- Black Eyed Peas and Good Luck for the New Year!

     According to Southern tradition, eating black eyed peas for New Year’s represents good luck.  In Alabama, black eyed peas are accompanied by hog jowls or ham for New Years, and I really wasn’t sure why that was included, so I looked it up. According to Wikipedia online, it states, “In the Southern United States, the peas are typically cooked with a pork product for flavoring (such as bacon, ham bones, fatback, or hog jowl), diced onion, and served with a hot chili sauce or a pepper-flavored vinegar. The traditional meal also features collard, turnip, or mustard greens, and ham. The peas, since they swell when cooked, symbolize prosperity; the greens symbolize money; the pork, because pigs root forward when foraging, represents positive motion. Cornbread also often accompanies this meal.” I remember mostly black-eyed peas flavored with bacon and/or ham and cornbread growing up in the south, but some of that is because I have never been a fan of the infamous Southern staple, collard greens. Yuck! This may also be telling about me as the green symbolizes money, which has never been much of a focus in my life.  It is necessary, of course, but other than that, money does not equal happiness to me as I have experienced this first hand.  I had everything I ever wanted or needed growing up and most would call me spoiled, although I was only middle to upper-middle class most of my life, but I had no peace, not from money at least.  Peace has come in bits and pieces with life experience, age, wisdom, and mostly from my faith in God, but least of all from the green stuff that drives so much of the world today. I broke a bit from tradition this year as I was on Roi with few options for cooking black-eyed peas to consume on New Year’s Day, so I soaked them last night and cooked them in the crock pot all day today with a little salt, seasoned pepper, garlic, and onion and enjoyed them tonight for dinner sans the cornbread.  They were delicious, and I hope they do bring the promised good luck for 2011, but in the end, black-eyed peas and hog jowls or no black-eyed peas and hog jowls, every year is about what you make it, and I am planning to make 2011 the best it can be.       

January 4, 2011- Living by Faith...

    

     The day I began this journal, I noted that I wanted to record the experiences of what may be my last year on the atoll.  I wrote that I am in the middle of making the decision to take a leap of faith and leave within the next 12 months.  Well, at the end of this month, my year of writing that began the last day of July 2010 will be halfway done, and life has continued to switch things up for me with a new job, a new home, finding out my son has a cataract, learning how to handle the presence of a “new mom” in my children’s lives, and many other joys and challenges, so that all I can do is live by faith for what the future holds.  I truly don’t know whether or not I’ll be leaving here in six months, and at this point, that’s a little scary for me.  At this point, it all depends on where my boys are, and because they are considered dependents under their father here on the base (they cannot be dependents under both of us unless they were to be split with one under mom and one under dad), he can decide to leave and have them go with him, and there’s not much I can do about it while residing here. 

     This is one of my most gripping fears, that there will be no compromise from the man I once wanted to spend my life with, from the father of my children, that he will simply up and go and take them with him with no thought for how that would affect me and the lives of our boys.  Why should he care, I suppose. We are no longer in love; we are not tied to each other in any way except through those children, but I have still always tried to believe in him as a father and as a child of God, that he will consider what is best for his boys too.  Maybe leaving would be best; I don’t know, but it’s not a decision to be made lightly or without a lot of thought before hand.  The other fear is that the love of my life will resent the fact that I didn’t do more to fight for a better written legal compromise where the children are concerned between my ex and me, that he will feel he has had to follow my ex around in order to spend his life with me.  I feel that way sometimes too, but have realized that I cannot view it that way because that is not really the heart of the matter. I am not following or waiting on my ex; I am doing what is best for my boys, and I am sacrificing and standing beside them, so I can be there for them no matter what life throws at them along the way.  I am learning to be content whatever my circumstances and making the best of my life wherever it is, so I can be the best possible mom to my children.

     I don’t like the possibility of having to leave this summer. I feel that things are finally starting to fall into place, and I am finally beginning to put my once broken life back together again, but I have to continue to believe that God will take care of us and do what is best for everyone involved.  More than once, my family and friends have told me they wish I had just gotten a lawyer and fought for more during the divorce, more compromise, more control over my children.  I don’t yet know whether or not that will turn out to be true. Maybe I really did make a mistake I will regret for years to come by not “duking” it out in some court with my ex, but I do know this. I did what I could at the time, based on my faith in God, my faith in my ex-husband wanting to do what is best for his children as much as I do, and based on my very fragile and desperate emotional state. I don’t think I could have handled much more of a fight at that time without succumbing to that desperation and depression that had been dogging me for the last few years of the marriage. Sure, I may have been a little naive to believe things would simply work out over time and without some sort of fight for control, but who ever really has control over anything or anyone, except God.  Once you start fighting for control, it seems that it never stops. I wanted some peace in my life, having and constantly fighting for control does not bring peace, only being in God’s will can do that.

     No divorce is ever completely amicable.  I know that now, but there’s not a whole lot I can change at this point way out here on the atoll.  I am, for the first time in my life, living completely on my faith in God, and I’m not freaking out about that! :) All I can do is believe God will sort it out for the best as He always has in the past. God can work it out better than any human He’s ever made can anyway, so I’d much rather put my trust in Him than in myself.  I completely understand the concern of my family and friends that I may have made my life much harder on myself by not fighting more early on, but what I could use the most now is support for where I am at, a belief in God and faith and what He can accomplish when we allow ourselves to be dependent on Him.  Maybe I did make a fatal error, but if anyone can correct it and bring good out of it, it’s God, so I will consider my biggest mistakes as a chance for God to show me His power and unconditional love for His children, and this is what will get my through the next 6 months and hopefully the next 6 years and beyond.  Life is not done throwing challenges my way, I’m sure, but I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and leaning on him and living by faith is no mistake!

January 3, 2011- Spoiled and Sheltered...

     These three day weekends are really starting to spoil me.  I don’t know how I am going to go back to 5 day work weeks and 2 day weekends. And I’ve probably made it worse on myself because I took extra time this week, taking Tuesday off as well to spend the last day off before school starts back with my boys at home, so I really have a 4 day weekend!  Unfortunately, it will be back to Kwaj tomorrow, so I have tried to simply enjoy this last day before we begin the long stretch of the school year where there are relatively few 3 day weekends to enjoy. Unfortunately, my youngest son has been remiss in getting caught up with his work from the time he missed while in Hawaii having his eyes checked, so we spent the majority of the day doing homework together.  In between answering my son’s questions, I read.
     Currently, I am reading one of my book club books titled “Columbine.” Unless you are still a youngster, I’m sure you remember this tragic school shooting back in 1999.  At first, I was a little nervous about reading it, having two young boys myself who are school age, but the more I read, the more the author and journalist, Dave Cullen, drew me into the extensively researched and masterfully written story of the before, during, and aftermath of the event.  I expected it to be written more like a news story and less like a personal experience story.  He includes all perspectives he had available to him and quotes from almost all parties involved, describing their personal lives as well as their public ones once Columbine became more than just a small town in Colorado and rather a national symbol of teenage angst gone very, very wrong.  There are moments though when I have to set the book down. It still worries me, mostly as a parent. Am I doing everything I can to ensure my children feel secure, happy, and not only learn right from wrong, but have the necessary conscious and compassion for others to make loving and kind choices once they leave my home? 
     Sometimes when my boys are disrespectful and seem to not care about how they are hurting others’ feelings by misbehaving, I worry about that.  The book I’m reading makes me worry even more, so I will take a break for a little while and come back to my reality. Currently, my children live and attend school in one of the safest places in the world! I could not ask for a better education for them, and as long as I can continue to keep them sheltered, yet not neglect to talk about what happens elsewhere (such as when my son asks me about the book I’m reading or the tragic news on TV), I know I’m doing all I can.  In the end, we really are spoiled more than most Americans, spoiled to be able to take extra time off to enjoy the holiday season and spoiled to live in such a protected environment in the middle of the Pacific.  My heart goes out to all those who have not been so lucky to have lived such a sheltered, safe life over the years, and my prayers go up to God each night to protect the precious lives he’s put me in charge of because heaven knows I cannot shelter them from all the evils this life has to offer, and that even the most sheltered, safe places can at any time, become unsafe and very, very scary.

January 2, 2011- A Quiet Day...

     After spending most of the morning getting the camp site cleaned up, and the camping gear put back away, it was time to rest up.  Well, we did have one further adventure, and that was to take our “Sunday Drive” in our golf cart after breakfast to feed the chickens.  Yes, we have chickens on the tiny island of Roi-Namur. Their home is right next to the radars, and boy do they come running on their scrawny chicken feet when a visitor stops by! Yesterday, we had a little left over bagel with cream cheese that my son said he no longer wanted, and that was a mess, but the chickens loved it! There were also a few roosters, but they tended to stand back unless the food was tossed right at them.  They preferred to let the chicks eat first. What gentlemen! :)  The chicks are about 4 months old now, but they are growing fast, and their personalities certainly show.  The more timid chicks stay back circling from a distance until noticed, and the more aggressive chicks run right through everyone to get what they want.  Today, we fed them some hard boiled eggs and toast. Funny how they like to eat eggs, but it appears to be one of their favorites.  My sons enjoyed the foray into “farmville” so much that they decided to name a couple of the chicks. It will be fun to see if they still recognize them in a couple of months when they are able to make it back to Roi again.  After our chicken adventures, we showered (desperately needed as we all smelled like smoke from the camp fire the night before), and we relaxed.  A quiet day overall, but much needed after a busy year!