July 19-August 2, 2013 Quiet Vacations and Tough Transitions…

“You have been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble.” Psalm 59:16

     Most of the days since my last entry have been spent on vacation. We left on the 22^nd and have been in Oregon ever since.  During that time, it’s hit me hard. My oldest son will not be coming back to Kwajalein with me, and it will be 4 months until I see him again.  Thus, the reason I chose the above verse for today.  God is my defense and refuge in my day of trouble.  The only reason why I am able to handle this at all is because I am giving it over to God.  I cannot stand over my babies and protect them all their lives. I cannot go with them to school every day, and I cannot control what happens to them, but I never imagined I would have to let either of them go so entirely so early on in their lives.  This is the test for me, to put my trust fully in God that He will take care of my baby boy over the next 4 months, that He will keep him in His care and protect Him from all the things I cannot at such a distance from him.  The vacation may have been fairly quiet so far, especially compared to the last 2 years when my husband and I were busily preparing for our wedding last summer, but my mind has certainly not been quiet.  It’s been very, very busy going through this tough transition. 

    Lord, help me to let go and trust you fully to take care of your child which you so graciously have given to me to mother.  Provide my baby and his mother with peace beyond understanding and the ability to stop, take a deep breath, and keep on going during the tough days.  Surround my son with your loving arms each day and help him to know and feel my love for him as well. Support our family through this transition and bring my baby back safely to me when it’s time to come home.  

July 15-18, 2013 Diligence and Perseverance…

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6

     I believe that I can safely say over the last 6 years or so of my life, I have become dependent on diligence and perseverance in seeking God’s will for my life and in bringing about changes for the better.  It took diligence and perseverance to be able to see my children regularly during the three 3 after my divorce when I lived in a BQ where my children were not allowed to visit me.  I look back on those years now and see how God brought so much good out of that time.  The weekends on Roi and housesitting bring some of my fondest memories back to me. Those three years with the boys were some of the highest quality years I’ve ever had with them because my focus was all about them, every moment I had with them was precious.  It also took diligence and perseverance during those 3 years to work my way up the ladder in my career and fight for a position which would provide me an actual home to live in with my children. But again, worth it because of the reward of the last 3 years that I have been able to put up a Christmas tree again and have all the boys’ friends over for birthday parties and sleepovers and even for my now husband to be able to do more of what he loves, which is to cook wonderful, delicious meals for us!  It has taken diligence and perseverance to let go of my boys a little more this past year while also fighting for what is best for them.  What I’ve learned through all this is that it takes diligence and perseverance to stay in God’s will consistently, to seek Him with all your heart, to spend the time necessary with Him and in His word to ensure closeness with Our Father, to ensure we can hear what He is saying to us and where He is leading.  What I have also learned is how true the above verse is…God really is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. 

     

July 8-14, 2013 Overlooking Wrongs….

“People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs.” Proverbs 19:11

     This was one of the verses in my devotional readings over the weekend.  It’s very apt for what happened before the weekend started. I’ve noticed that God always gives me the readings and wisdom I need to hear when I need it the most.  I’m not always very good at overlooking wrongs done to me and/or my family.  I’ve prayed to God to help me forgive my father for the wrongs he did to my family over 20 years ago, and to a certain extent I have forgiven him, but I have not forgotten, and I tend to be harder on him because of those memories.  I have prayed that God would help me to forgive co-workers and friends in the past who have said or done things to hurt me, but I still harbor a harder heart against them than my heart for others who have not bruised me in some way, shape, or form.  And even though there’s a part of me that doesn’t even WANT this, I pray to God to help me forgive my ex-husband daily for the things he has done and continues to do that hurt me and/or my children (whether they realize it or not).  This is definitely an area of my life that could use a LOT of work.  Oftentimes, I consider my anger against those who have injured me without cause to be righteous anger. The problem is that my righteous anger never subsides, and I never do anything useful with it. For example, righteous anger against a school shooter can be utilized for good when directed in going up the chain to those politicians and a government who can make decisions to keep other young children from being harmed in the future.  Righteous anger against a terrorist can motivate a country to be more vigilant in their awareness and fight for our freedom and help us to come together in love and support of one another.  My “righteous anger” sits and festers until it is no longer righteous anymore, but instead is bitter and useless.  Continuing to judge those who I am angry with does nothing but make me ripe for the judging by others.  I even quoted the verse from Matthew the other day about “taking the log out of your own eye before taking the speck out of another” because I was upset at someone who was judging others by not looking at themselves and their own faults on the very same subject.  Well, as you can imagine, I immediately felt a check in my own spirit for this judgment.

     I have noticed lately that this type of behavior has increased in me.  Thankfully, God has shown me the error of my ways, and even maybe some of the route cause. Looking back over my life, I realize that I always tend to start judging others more and being less forgiving when God has really grown me closer to Him and more knowledgeable in His word over a period of time.  This is when Satan attacks…when I am growing in the right ways toward God.  He starts planting these seeds of judgment in my mind and feelings of pride over “accomplishments” in my spiritual life.  That’s precisely the time when I should be paying attention more closely to my thoughts and where they are coming from and going to.  And rest assured, this is not all Satan’s doing.  I took those seeds of judgment he planted and watered, fed, and nurtured them repeatedly until God put everything back into perspective. 

    So, where do I go from here?  I know that this will not stop immediately and be all better. It will be a lifelong and even daily struggle, but I really hope, knowing all the other miraculous things God has done in my life and in the lives of those around me, that today can be a start toward judging less and loving more.  I desperately want to be able to just love my father for who he is, flaws and all. I’ve always wanted that, but I’ve also always struggled to get there.  I pray today, again, for God to plant that kind of unconditional love and forgiveness in my heart for him.  I also want to be able to show my children what God’s love looks like by being able to love their dad the way God does, so I pray that God will help me to develop that kind of love for him.  And finally, I pray that God will help me to quickly let go of all the little wrongs that acquaintances, co-workers, patrons of my worksite, and even friends do and have done that bothered me and show them love, knowing that I may be doing the very same things to them or others that hurt and bother them without even realizing it.  I’m far, far from perfect, so who am I to judge others? I’m a child of God saved by grace alone. Help me to remember that, Lord, and to give all the credit back to you for anything good and lovely in my life. Help me to love others in the way your son showed us when he walked this earth.  Forgive me for not doing that lately.  Amen. 

July 5-7, 2013 Second Chances…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I Corinthians 13:4-8

     One year ago today on July 7, 2012, God blessed me with a second chance to make my little girl dreams come true.  I was married pretty young for my generation. At 22, I really didn’t know much about what it took to be in love long term. I didn’t even know what I really wanted from life. I had not yet grown into the woman God intended for me to be before I decided to link who I was to another person whom I didn’t really know all that well.  It turned out to be a difficult learning experience for me and for my children, another refinement by fire that God allowed, but not without it’s own share of silver linings, such as the two beautiful children he created through that marriage.  It’s definitely not the way I would have chosen to build a family in an ideal world, and it certainly wasn’t the path I dreamed my life would take when I was a young girl, but we don’t live in a perfect world, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without those difficult experiences and neither would my boys.  I don’t wish divorce on anyone. It’s by far, in my opinion, one of the most devastating things that can happen to any relationship or family in today’s world.  Unfortunately, it happens way too often, but one of the most amazing things God does through divorce, death, near-misses, and so many other tragic events that happen to us as we travel through life, is offer us second chances.

     I grew up in the church. I read and heard numerous sermons over the years focused on the famous 1 Corinthians 12 passage about love from the Bible, but I never lived them or knew anyone on this earth who could show me how to live them until I met the man I married just one year ago today.  We’ve known each other for about 6 years now, and he is still patient with me. He is kind, never have I seen him envious nor boastful or proud. Rude is not something he would know how to be and serving himself is the last thing on his mind. He may occasionally be easily angered by an unlucky day and/or at himself, but never at me. Wrongs, we do not go back and rehash anything we have said or done to hurt each other when upset.  We start fresh every day.  Truth….(that is something which was missing from my last marriage, and so it’s something more important than ever to me now)…I know no one more truthful or genuine than him. Protected I always feel when he is with me. Hope, perseverance, isn’t that what love is all about after all?  Hope that we will always be together and love each other just as much as we do now. Perseverance to ensure that’s exactly what happens. Love never fails…it’s not easy….the passage never says it’s easy, but what it does say to me is that it never gives up either. It perseveres; it makes the choice to wake up each day and continue loving in this unconditional, unselfish way. 

     My husband and I are not perfect people, and I’m not saying we never get annoyed or exchange upset or unkind words when we’re tired or frustrated with a situation, but loving each other through all that just comes easy. I think that’s how you tell it’s right…when the attributes of love described in the passage above just come naturally with that person, even when you’ve recently been upset or when you don’t think exactly the same way about an issue. You love each other through it because you have mutual respect for who that person is overall and to you.  It wasn’t anywhere near easy for me the first time. I thought what I had found was love, but I didn’t understand anything about love then. I was in it for selfish reasons that make no sense to me now that I am a stronger, wiser woman, and I can’t thank God enough for giving me a second chance to make it right this time and find the kind of love He intended for us to experience in life. I don’t deserve the kind of love my darling husband provides me with on a daily basis, but that’s the beauty of God. He led me to my husband and gave him to me to love and experience his love anyway. It is in that same way that God loves all of us, despite all our flaws and daily mistakes. God loves us through it and gives us as many chances as we need to get it right.  

July 3-4, 2013 Looking Forward…

“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

    As I considered what to title this entry, I immediately went to the past as the topic instead of the future.  This gave me pause and a reason to change it up.  I started with “Forgetting the past” and “Putting the past behind me,” and I realized that by focusing on the past in my title, I am doing the opposite of what the above verse in Philippians recommends we do, look forward and press on toward the future.  Letting go of my past experiences has been one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. And like Paul, I do not consider myself having completely conquered this challenge.  What I have done is taken several baby steps toward the future and whatever it may hold.  More of my days and my time are consumed with looking forward rather than back. When I do consider the past, tears and pain are no longer the first things to come to mind as they were before.  I do not ache for what was lost as before.  I see new adventures and learning experiences rather than lost dreams and hopeful wishes that were never to come to pass.  And I think that’s what it’s all about, right?  Seeing your future as you want it to be and striving toward that goal instead of wallowing in memories of a past that wasn’t what you expected it to be.  You can’t win the race if you are looking behind you all the time. It slows you down and takes your eyes off the goal you are running the race for.  You can’t change or fix the past. All you can do is take from it what was good and remember it with fondness and learn from the bad, recognizing that God will never give us more than He has made us to handle and knowing that in every difficult experience God will bring awesomeness, if we let Him.  I now take the challenges in my life as an opportunity to look back at myself and how I can become a better, more accomplished person because of the mistakes I made or the hard circumstances given to me whether I brought them on myself or not.  That’s God refining me by fire.  In a weird way, I’ve come to enjoy the process, once the pain of the heat being applied subsides a bit.  It’s all part of the wisdom of our Maker.  “Father” knows best. Oh yes, you can bet He does.  We cannot always see it, but He does know best.  I, for one, can’t wait to see what He has in store next!! So, today, on this celebration of Independence Day here on the island, I’m having fun looking forward instead of behind me for once…can’t wait to see where I’ll be spending the 4^th in 2014.