September 9-23, 2013 In the Shelter of the Island…

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1

     There are moments in time, like when I sit on my back porch in the early morning or late evening and watch the colors change with the sun or when I am out running and see a bright, full moon surrounded by red and orange clouds, that I really appreciate the beauty and safety of the island I have lived on for so long. During those moments, I have a hard time seeing myself living anywhere else.  I’ve had more and more of those moments lately, moments of peace, moments of clarity, where I can almost see God’s plan for our lives perfectly. 

     The verse above speaks about living in the shelter of God’s shadow and during these moments of clarity, I find myself feeling like I am living in the shelter of God’s shadow over this island.  It’s not a perfect place, not a Garden of Eden, or anything like that, but there is a certain amount of security living here that I believe attracts people to come here, stay, leave, and keep coming back. 

     Life, surprisingly, moves quickly here because there are no seasons to mark the time by (as evidenced by my being here almost 17 years now even though it seems like a short decade or less), but the time we have is more about quality than quantity. There’s plenty of time to try everything or to do nothing because there’s no traffic to get caught up in, no malls to waste time shopping at, and no pressures to work two or three jobs in order to pay the mounting bills for every little luxury of life. It’s island time, magically slow and delicious. J 

     Because of all this, I sometimes feel I AM living in the secret place of the Most High, in His shadow on this sheltered island, far from the storms of life. I’m not sure why God blessed me and my family with this particular place and time in our lives, but I am most grateful for it.  Even as I write this, I sense that it will not be a place of shelter for us forever, that one moment in time could change all of that, but for now, I am thankful for this moment, remembering that the island itself is not what is sheltering us, but God Himself and wherever he places us will be in His protective shadow as long as we continue to seek and dwell in His love and keep our faith in His divine providence for our lives.  

August 19-September 8, 2013 What now, God?

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4: 11-13

     Since we returned from our stateside vacation and have been busy settling back into life on the atoll for yet another school year, I’ve found myself thinking, “What now, God?” He’s led our family through so many challenges the past few years, and now that my oldest son is back in the states, and we are back here trying to adjust to life without him with us, I find myself conflicted about God’s plan for us now.  Are we to continue our lives here for a while longer? Are we to try even harder to obtain work back in the states or elsewhere to begin a new life off the atoll and possibly closer to our families in the U.S.? Or, are we to go back into that waiting mode, where we find comfort in our current circumstances and work on quieting our minds, so we can hear when God speaks a new direction into our lives?  Frankly, I’m not sure right now. 

     I do know that God has taught me during my many years on this island how to be content no matter what the situation because if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t still be here.  I know that, amazingly, he used the last year in particular to prepare me to come back here without one of my children. I know this because there is a peace and contentedness about the current situation that would not be there if God had NOT been in this. Both boys, so far, are thriving in their changed circumstances, their new environments, and I never would have thought I could have a peace about separating them for a time, about living so far away from one of my children, but God has made it okay.  His plan truly is awe-inspiring to the point of never would have seen it coming, gives me “goosebumps” perfect!

     It reminds me of our memory verse for the children in Sunday School yesterday. “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8)  I could not have dreamed that separating the boys this way would be best, but I prayed for God’s will and for what was best for each child individually as well as collectively as a family, and God answered that prayer in a unique way and fully according to his plan.  His ways are NOT my ways, thank goodness, because I’m sure I would have messed it all up by now if I was leaning completely on my own understanding. 

     As I write this, I realize that it’s still very early on in this transition…I haven’t even been without my firstborn for over a month yet, but so many of the things I have been afraid of did not happen.  For example, I told my husband that I was unsure I would be able to handle everyone asking me about my son when we returned to the island, that it would make me cry every time they asked. And the only part that came true in that scenario was that everyone would be asking me how my son is doing and how he likes living in the states and being away from his brother. The part of how I would react has surprised me. Instead of being bitter or sad about the fact that he actually loves it and is doing well, I am so, so pleased for him. I am happy for my baby as long as he is happy.

    You see, it is possible for people to change, and it is possible for God to keep growing us year after year after year until we become wiser, mellower, and much, much closer to Christ-like than we started out as when we were babes ourselves.  Thank God I’m not the same person I was when I was younger.  While on vacation, I heard that a family member once described me as “smart and bitter,” and to the first part I happily agree, yes I am smart. J  I also readily agree to the description of me being bitter, and it was not the first or last time in my life I was to experience this feeling or even to be called bitter by anyone, but I can happily say now that much of that bitterness has been melted away by God’s blessings in my life, and what’s left is hanging on by a thread, soon to depart as well.  I’ll never be perfect, but I have learned to be content, no matter the circumstances, and I can handle anything as long as God is with me, giving me strength to face whatever is in store for our lives next.  

August 6-18, 2013 A Verse for My Son…

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

    I just did a search of my blog for this verse because it is a favorite, and I knew I had used it before. I have, three times, so on time number 4, I would like to dedicate it to my son as he’s the one in the greatest time of transition at this moment, and he needs this verse (so he can start memorizing it and holding it in his heart as I have for so many years) much more than me. 

     As he enters a new school tomorrow, in a new place very different from the one he came from, I know he is nervous. He does not know anyone yet at his school. He will be eating lunch there (which he has never done before because on the island, the school children go home for lunch), and he will be changing classes with 7 different teachers. He will have a locker, and he will not be able to ride his bike to school. He will have to either be driven or take a bus to get from school to home and to football practice and back each day. It’s not just a new school for him; it’s a brand new life, and I am nervous for him too. 

     Yes, it will be a change for me as well, and up to this point, when I have written and thought about this subject, I have been looking at it from my perspective. I have considered how much of a transition it will be for me, not having him with me on the island for the first time, but besides for him not being there, the rest of my life will remain the same.  Not so for my son.  EVERYTHING will be new.  I’m so glad I have been able to be here with him for these last two weeks of summer and for his first day of school because I now see it from his perspective, and I needed that.  I needed to stop worrying about how I was going to handle it and start supporting him in getting through it.  That’s what he needs me for now, and it gives me renewed strength and purpose through these changes, to be able to give back to him and help him in whatever small ways I can. 

     Worrying about how hard it is going to be for me does nothing, but seeing the changes through his eyes, allows me to be there for my son more fully. And knowing that God has it all worked out already and has our best interests in mind, including plans to prosper us and give us hope and a future, has always been comforting to me. I hope and pray my son will feel that same comfort and peace in God and in His plans too.  I promised my son the other night that “it will all be okay.” God never said it will be easy, but over the years, I’ve learned that if I put my trust in Him, it WILL all be okay! So, I feel confident in that truth. Love you son and Happy First Day of 6^th Grade in your new home in the states!  It’s going to be great!!    

August 3-5, 2013 The Path Back Home…

“Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.” Psalm 25:4-5

     In about 2 weeks now, our annual vacation will be over, and we’ll be on a plane headed back home.   In years past, I’ve been excited, ambivalent, and even one year in recent memory a bit panicky when it came to going back to the island I’ve called home for the past 16 years.  It’s not always been easy; I suppose this is because life is not always easy, and being on an isolated island in the middle of the Pacific for 6-12+ months straight with the same 1,000 people or so can be a bit stifling at times because there’s no way to be anonymous and no way to escape for the weekend or evening when work or life become difficult. Despite the challenges of living on an tiny atoll, God has continued to lead me back there year after year now. Once back at home, we settle in, and any anxiety about coming back for one more go around the sun dissipates.  It is in so many ways, a surreal place to live, and it’s not for everyone, especially not long term.  My life there has had many, many wonderful, happy moments, but I also can’t help but wonder how many more years we will remain and what life will be like when we finally leave the rock we’ve called home for so, so long. I’ve thought about that future life a lot on this trip as my husband and I considered purchasing a home for investment purposes near his family in Oregon and as we have both been going through applying for jobs and going to the occasional interview.  Mostly, when I really think about moving back to the states, I feel timid and anxious, in much the same way I have felt some years on my way back to Kwajalein.  I’m not concerned about the same things, the isolation of the island and the stresses of work, etc…but instead I’m nervous about how my family will afford life in the states, how we will pay for cell phones, cars, a house, and all the other many, many bills, I have never really had to pay because I’ve lived on the island since I was 22.  At least on the island, I know exactly what I am going back to. Returning to the states at this point in my life will be pure culture shock for at least the first year, I’m sure.  So, that’s where I put my hands up in the air and give it over to God, once again.  Show me the path I should walk, Lord. Point out not only the right road for my family, but help us navigate it safely and successfully.  Lead by your truth as you always do and teach us how to handle it all with grace and faith, knowing you are not only the God who saves, but also a loving God who wants us to put all our trust in Him, so we do not have to worry about anything ever again. Help me to put all my hopes and dreams in You, believing in your plan for our lives and trusting in the direction of our family’s path as we place You in the lead.   

July 19-August 2, 2013 Quiet Vacations and Tough Transitions…

“You have been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble.” Psalm 59:16

     Most of the days since my last entry have been spent on vacation. We left on the 22^nd and have been in Oregon ever since.  During that time, it’s hit me hard. My oldest son will not be coming back to Kwajalein with me, and it will be 4 months until I see him again.  Thus, the reason I chose the above verse for today.  God is my defense and refuge in my day of trouble.  The only reason why I am able to handle this at all is because I am giving it over to God.  I cannot stand over my babies and protect them all their lives. I cannot go with them to school every day, and I cannot control what happens to them, but I never imagined I would have to let either of them go so entirely so early on in their lives.  This is the test for me, to put my trust fully in God that He will take care of my baby boy over the next 4 months, that He will keep him in His care and protect Him from all the things I cannot at such a distance from him.  The vacation may have been fairly quiet so far, especially compared to the last 2 years when my husband and I were busily preparing for our wedding last summer, but my mind has certainly not been quiet.  It’s been very, very busy going through this tough transition. 

    Lord, help me to let go and trust you fully to take care of your child which you so graciously have given to me to mother.  Provide my baby and his mother with peace beyond understanding and the ability to stop, take a deep breath, and keep on going during the tough days.  Surround my son with your loving arms each day and help him to know and feel my love for him as well. Support our family through this transition and bring my baby back safely to me when it’s time to come home.