August 6-18, 2013 A Verse for My Son…

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

    I just did a search of my blog for this verse because it is a favorite, and I knew I had used it before. I have, three times, so on time number 4, I would like to dedicate it to my son as he’s the one in the greatest time of transition at this moment, and he needs this verse (so he can start memorizing it and holding it in his heart as I have for so many years) much more than me. 

     As he enters a new school tomorrow, in a new place very different from the one he came from, I know he is nervous. He does not know anyone yet at his school. He will be eating lunch there (which he has never done before because on the island, the school children go home for lunch), and he will be changing classes with 7 different teachers. He will have a locker, and he will not be able to ride his bike to school. He will have to either be driven or take a bus to get from school to home and to football practice and back each day. It’s not just a new school for him; it’s a brand new life, and I am nervous for him too. 

     Yes, it will be a change for me as well, and up to this point, when I have written and thought about this subject, I have been looking at it from my perspective. I have considered how much of a transition it will be for me, not having him with me on the island for the first time, but besides for him not being there, the rest of my life will remain the same.  Not so for my son.  EVERYTHING will be new.  I’m so glad I have been able to be here with him for these last two weeks of summer and for his first day of school because I now see it from his perspective, and I needed that.  I needed to stop worrying about how I was going to handle it and start supporting him in getting through it.  That’s what he needs me for now, and it gives me renewed strength and purpose through these changes, to be able to give back to him and help him in whatever small ways I can. 

     Worrying about how hard it is going to be for me does nothing, but seeing the changes through his eyes, allows me to be there for my son more fully. And knowing that God has it all worked out already and has our best interests in mind, including plans to prosper us and give us hope and a future, has always been comforting to me. I hope and pray my son will feel that same comfort and peace in God and in His plans too.  I promised my son the other night that “it will all be okay.” God never said it will be easy, but over the years, I’ve learned that if I put my trust in Him, it WILL all be okay! So, I feel confident in that truth. Love you son and Happy First Day of 6^th Grade in your new home in the states!  It’s going to be great!!    

August 3-5, 2013 The Path Back Home…

“Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.” Psalm 25:4-5

     In about 2 weeks now, our annual vacation will be over, and we’ll be on a plane headed back home.   In years past, I’ve been excited, ambivalent, and even one year in recent memory a bit panicky when it came to going back to the island I’ve called home for the past 16 years.  It’s not always been easy; I suppose this is because life is not always easy, and being on an isolated island in the middle of the Pacific for 6-12+ months straight with the same 1,000 people or so can be a bit stifling at times because there’s no way to be anonymous and no way to escape for the weekend or evening when work or life become difficult. Despite the challenges of living on an tiny atoll, God has continued to lead me back there year after year now. Once back at home, we settle in, and any anxiety about coming back for one more go around the sun dissipates.  It is in so many ways, a surreal place to live, and it’s not for everyone, especially not long term.  My life there has had many, many wonderful, happy moments, but I also can’t help but wonder how many more years we will remain and what life will be like when we finally leave the rock we’ve called home for so, so long. I’ve thought about that future life a lot on this trip as my husband and I considered purchasing a home for investment purposes near his family in Oregon and as we have both been going through applying for jobs and going to the occasional interview.  Mostly, when I really think about moving back to the states, I feel timid and anxious, in much the same way I have felt some years on my way back to Kwajalein.  I’m not concerned about the same things, the isolation of the island and the stresses of work, etc…but instead I’m nervous about how my family will afford life in the states, how we will pay for cell phones, cars, a house, and all the other many, many bills, I have never really had to pay because I’ve lived on the island since I was 22.  At least on the island, I know exactly what I am going back to. Returning to the states at this point in my life will be pure culture shock for at least the first year, I’m sure.  So, that’s where I put my hands up in the air and give it over to God, once again.  Show me the path I should walk, Lord. Point out not only the right road for my family, but help us navigate it safely and successfully.  Lead by your truth as you always do and teach us how to handle it all with grace and faith, knowing you are not only the God who saves, but also a loving God who wants us to put all our trust in Him, so we do not have to worry about anything ever again. Help me to put all my hopes and dreams in You, believing in your plan for our lives and trusting in the direction of our family’s path as we place You in the lead.   

July 19-August 2, 2013 Quiet Vacations and Tough Transitions…

“You have been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble.” Psalm 59:16

     Most of the days since my last entry have been spent on vacation. We left on the 22^nd and have been in Oregon ever since.  During that time, it’s hit me hard. My oldest son will not be coming back to Kwajalein with me, and it will be 4 months until I see him again.  Thus, the reason I chose the above verse for today.  God is my defense and refuge in my day of trouble.  The only reason why I am able to handle this at all is because I am giving it over to God.  I cannot stand over my babies and protect them all their lives. I cannot go with them to school every day, and I cannot control what happens to them, but I never imagined I would have to let either of them go so entirely so early on in their lives.  This is the test for me, to put my trust fully in God that He will take care of my baby boy over the next 4 months, that He will keep him in His care and protect Him from all the things I cannot at such a distance from him.  The vacation may have been fairly quiet so far, especially compared to the last 2 years when my husband and I were busily preparing for our wedding last summer, but my mind has certainly not been quiet.  It’s been very, very busy going through this tough transition. 

    Lord, help me to let go and trust you fully to take care of your child which you so graciously have given to me to mother.  Provide my baby and his mother with peace beyond understanding and the ability to stop, take a deep breath, and keep on going during the tough days.  Surround my son with your loving arms each day and help him to know and feel my love for him as well. Support our family through this transition and bring my baby back safely to me when it’s time to come home.  

July 15-18, 2013 Diligence and Perseverance…

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6

     I believe that I can safely say over the last 6 years or so of my life, I have become dependent on diligence and perseverance in seeking God’s will for my life and in bringing about changes for the better.  It took diligence and perseverance to be able to see my children regularly during the three 3 after my divorce when I lived in a BQ where my children were not allowed to visit me.  I look back on those years now and see how God brought so much good out of that time.  The weekends on Roi and housesitting bring some of my fondest memories back to me. Those three years with the boys were some of the highest quality years I’ve ever had with them because my focus was all about them, every moment I had with them was precious.  It also took diligence and perseverance during those 3 years to work my way up the ladder in my career and fight for a position which would provide me an actual home to live in with my children. But again, worth it because of the reward of the last 3 years that I have been able to put up a Christmas tree again and have all the boys’ friends over for birthday parties and sleepovers and even for my now husband to be able to do more of what he loves, which is to cook wonderful, delicious meals for us!  It has taken diligence and perseverance to let go of my boys a little more this past year while also fighting for what is best for them.  What I’ve learned through all this is that it takes diligence and perseverance to stay in God’s will consistently, to seek Him with all your heart, to spend the time necessary with Him and in His word to ensure closeness with Our Father, to ensure we can hear what He is saying to us and where He is leading.  What I have also learned is how true the above verse is…God really is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. 

     

July 8-14, 2013 Overlooking Wrongs….

“People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs.” Proverbs 19:11

     This was one of the verses in my devotional readings over the weekend.  It’s very apt for what happened before the weekend started. I’ve noticed that God always gives me the readings and wisdom I need to hear when I need it the most.  I’m not always very good at overlooking wrongs done to me and/or my family.  I’ve prayed to God to help me forgive my father for the wrongs he did to my family over 20 years ago, and to a certain extent I have forgiven him, but I have not forgotten, and I tend to be harder on him because of those memories.  I have prayed that God would help me to forgive co-workers and friends in the past who have said or done things to hurt me, but I still harbor a harder heart against them than my heart for others who have not bruised me in some way, shape, or form.  And even though there’s a part of me that doesn’t even WANT this, I pray to God to help me forgive my ex-husband daily for the things he has done and continues to do that hurt me and/or my children (whether they realize it or not).  This is definitely an area of my life that could use a LOT of work.  Oftentimes, I consider my anger against those who have injured me without cause to be righteous anger. The problem is that my righteous anger never subsides, and I never do anything useful with it. For example, righteous anger against a school shooter can be utilized for good when directed in going up the chain to those politicians and a government who can make decisions to keep other young children from being harmed in the future.  Righteous anger against a terrorist can motivate a country to be more vigilant in their awareness and fight for our freedom and help us to come together in love and support of one another.  My “righteous anger” sits and festers until it is no longer righteous anymore, but instead is bitter and useless.  Continuing to judge those who I am angry with does nothing but make me ripe for the judging by others.  I even quoted the verse from Matthew the other day about “taking the log out of your own eye before taking the speck out of another” because I was upset at someone who was judging others by not looking at themselves and their own faults on the very same subject.  Well, as you can imagine, I immediately felt a check in my own spirit for this judgment.

     I have noticed lately that this type of behavior has increased in me.  Thankfully, God has shown me the error of my ways, and even maybe some of the route cause. Looking back over my life, I realize that I always tend to start judging others more and being less forgiving when God has really grown me closer to Him and more knowledgeable in His word over a period of time.  This is when Satan attacks…when I am growing in the right ways toward God.  He starts planting these seeds of judgment in my mind and feelings of pride over “accomplishments” in my spiritual life.  That’s precisely the time when I should be paying attention more closely to my thoughts and where they are coming from and going to.  And rest assured, this is not all Satan’s doing.  I took those seeds of judgment he planted and watered, fed, and nurtured them repeatedly until God put everything back into perspective. 

    So, where do I go from here?  I know that this will not stop immediately and be all better. It will be a lifelong and even daily struggle, but I really hope, knowing all the other miraculous things God has done in my life and in the lives of those around me, that today can be a start toward judging less and loving more.  I desperately want to be able to just love my father for who he is, flaws and all. I’ve always wanted that, but I’ve also always struggled to get there.  I pray today, again, for God to plant that kind of unconditional love and forgiveness in my heart for him.  I also want to be able to show my children what God’s love looks like by being able to love their dad the way God does, so I pray that God will help me to develop that kind of love for him.  And finally, I pray that God will help me to quickly let go of all the little wrongs that acquaintances, co-workers, patrons of my worksite, and even friends do and have done that bothered me and show them love, knowing that I may be doing the very same things to them or others that hurt and bother them without even realizing it.  I’m far, far from perfect, so who am I to judge others? I’m a child of God saved by grace alone. Help me to remember that, Lord, and to give all the credit back to you for anything good and lovely in my life. Help me to love others in the way your son showed us when he walked this earth.  Forgive me for not doing that lately.  Amen.