January 25, 2011-Teaching Consideration...

     I have two little boys who love to be boys, playing video games and pretend play where they are characters from movies or their own imaginations, and most of the time, when they are in the midst of their scenarios, they play well together. But, there are times when they become overly excited or one is doing something in the game the other doesn’t want him to do, or they become just plain tired and grumpy. When this happens, the voices get louder and louder, pushing and shoving ensues, and tears bring mom running to see what happened.  I don’t mind letting them be boys. I know they will sometimes play loudly and that sometimes they will get in fights or hurt each other.  Heck, my own brothers have their stories of one punching the other out in the car on a road trip with the family, and running into each other head on while riding a 10 speed bicycle and a motor bike. For that one, they have identical battle scars on the opposite eyebrows where they had to get stitches. It’s going to happen, but what frustrates me is when a co-worker has to actually close the door to my office because the whining and disagreements have become so loud she cannot work or my couch becomes a trampoline, and I can’t read a book or prepare dinner for more than 5 minutes at a time without having to interrupt them to tell them to settle down because we do have neighbors, and they are inside and need to use inside voices. 
     I mean, come on, I’m a teacher trainer. I’m supposed to be teaching the teachers how to work with pre-schoolers who often don’t listen and can be very disruptive at times, and my own 1^st and 3^rd graders won’t listen to me! I can teach other children how to be considerate, but for whatever reason, it appears much harder to teach my own. Don’t get my wrong. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved my boys are, and they are, when they are at school, at friend’s houses, etc...but in the comfort of their own home or my office, things can get rowdy. And I admit, it’s harder when the children belong to you. It’s almost like you just expect them to be good and learn from you automatically, but you still have to work with them just as hard as you do other people’s children. The challenging part of that is as a parent and not a teacher, you have to continue to work hard with them after a long day at work when you are tired and often don’t have the energy to tell them fifteen times to think of others and settle down. I know all the positive discipline techniques and honestly, all the old school discipline techniques as well, but every child is different, and they are 7 and 9 years old. They know the rules. It’s not a hard concept. It’s getting them to remember to follow them, not just because I asked them to, but because they are thinking of others first. But what 7 and 9 year old kids think of someone else before themselves? How many adults do that on a daily and hourly basis? It takes a conscious, consistent effort on all our parts, as selfish beings, to think of others first, so I know I need to have the patience of Job to keep working with them on this one. 
     Tonight, I didn’t have that patience. I had enough! I told them in a quiet, gentle voice I don’t know how many times over the last few weeks at my office and house to play more quietly and to not stand on the furniture.  I talked to them about consideration of others. I have neighbors who live a very quiet life without pets or children, and they don’t want to hear my kids screaming through the wall. I don’t want to hear them screaming in the house either. I have apologized to my co-workers one too many times. It’s a privilege for them to even be allowed at work with me. Maybe it’s one I need to take away to help them understand the importance of appropriate behavior in an office setting.
     How do you teach consideration?  I’m embarrassed to say, I lost the battle with it myself tonight. I raised my voice and asked them why I had to do that to get them to listen and be serious with me. Tears were flowing from all of us at one point or another, and our prayers included asking God to help us be more considerate of others and to forgive us for not listening to each other and raising our voices.  We were all exhausted by the time it was done, and it was not a relaxing evening, unfortunately. Even knowing all the proper techniques for teaching children, I am at a loss for what else to do at times.  So, I asked them. Why do you listen to your teachers at school, but not to me?  “Because we don’t want to be expelled or sent to the principal’s office,” my oldest replied. Well, how can I compete with that? I can’t expel them from my house, but I can take away privileges.  That’s my least favorite thing to do because it ruins the evenings and weekends for everyone when one child is not allowed to do anything fun.  Even though I now have a place to be with my boys, the time I get with them is still precious, and I don’t want them to be on restriction during it, but I have to make a choice of which is more important now. Teaching consideration, a character trait to last them for a lifetime, or doing something fun, like going to the beach or camping or having an ice cream cone, which is temporary, and only teaches them that having fun is more important than thinking of others first. Hmmm...that’s sounds like a much easier choice now that I’ve written it out.  :)