July 5-7, 2013 Second Chances…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I Corinthians 13:4-8

     One year ago today on July 7, 2012, God blessed me with a second chance to make my little girl dreams come true.  I was married pretty young for my generation. At 22, I really didn’t know much about what it took to be in love long term. I didn’t even know what I really wanted from life. I had not yet grown into the woman God intended for me to be before I decided to link who I was to another person whom I didn’t really know all that well.  It turned out to be a difficult learning experience for me and for my children, another refinement by fire that God allowed, but not without it’s own share of silver linings, such as the two beautiful children he created through that marriage.  It’s definitely not the way I would have chosen to build a family in an ideal world, and it certainly wasn’t the path I dreamed my life would take when I was a young girl, but we don’t live in a perfect world, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without those difficult experiences and neither would my boys.  I don’t wish divorce on anyone. It’s by far, in my opinion, one of the most devastating things that can happen to any relationship or family in today’s world.  Unfortunately, it happens way too often, but one of the most amazing things God does through divorce, death, near-misses, and so many other tragic events that happen to us as we travel through life, is offer us second chances.

     I grew up in the church. I read and heard numerous sermons over the years focused on the famous 1 Corinthians 12 passage about love from the Bible, but I never lived them or knew anyone on this earth who could show me how to live them until I met the man I married just one year ago today.  We’ve known each other for about 6 years now, and he is still patient with me. He is kind, never have I seen him envious nor boastful or proud. Rude is not something he would know how to be and serving himself is the last thing on his mind. He may occasionally be easily angered by an unlucky day and/or at himself, but never at me. Wrongs, we do not go back and rehash anything we have said or done to hurt each other when upset.  We start fresh every day.  Truth….(that is something which was missing from my last marriage, and so it’s something more important than ever to me now)…I know no one more truthful or genuine than him. Protected I always feel when he is with me. Hope, perseverance, isn’t that what love is all about after all?  Hope that we will always be together and love each other just as much as we do now. Perseverance to ensure that’s exactly what happens. Love never fails…it’s not easy….the passage never says it’s easy, but what it does say to me is that it never gives up either. It perseveres; it makes the choice to wake up each day and continue loving in this unconditional, unselfish way. 

     My husband and I are not perfect people, and I’m not saying we never get annoyed or exchange upset or unkind words when we’re tired or frustrated with a situation, but loving each other through all that just comes easy. I think that’s how you tell it’s right…when the attributes of love described in the passage above just come naturally with that person, even when you’ve recently been upset or when you don’t think exactly the same way about an issue. You love each other through it because you have mutual respect for who that person is overall and to you.  It wasn’t anywhere near easy for me the first time. I thought what I had found was love, but I didn’t understand anything about love then. I was in it for selfish reasons that make no sense to me now that I am a stronger, wiser woman, and I can’t thank God enough for giving me a second chance to make it right this time and find the kind of love He intended for us to experience in life. I don’t deserve the kind of love my darling husband provides me with on a daily basis, but that’s the beauty of God. He led me to my husband and gave him to me to love and experience his love anyway. It is in that same way that God loves all of us, despite all our flaws and daily mistakes. God loves us through it and gives us as many chances as we need to get it right.  

July 3-4, 2013 Looking Forward…

“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

    As I considered what to title this entry, I immediately went to the past as the topic instead of the future.  This gave me pause and a reason to change it up.  I started with “Forgetting the past” and “Putting the past behind me,” and I realized that by focusing on the past in my title, I am doing the opposite of what the above verse in Philippians recommends we do, look forward and press on toward the future.  Letting go of my past experiences has been one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. And like Paul, I do not consider myself having completely conquered this challenge.  What I have done is taken several baby steps toward the future and whatever it may hold.  More of my days and my time are consumed with looking forward rather than back. When I do consider the past, tears and pain are no longer the first things to come to mind as they were before.  I do not ache for what was lost as before.  I see new adventures and learning experiences rather than lost dreams and hopeful wishes that were never to come to pass.  And I think that’s what it’s all about, right?  Seeing your future as you want it to be and striving toward that goal instead of wallowing in memories of a past that wasn’t what you expected it to be.  You can’t win the race if you are looking behind you all the time. It slows you down and takes your eyes off the goal you are running the race for.  You can’t change or fix the past. All you can do is take from it what was good and remember it with fondness and learn from the bad, recognizing that God will never give us more than He has made us to handle and knowing that in every difficult experience God will bring awesomeness, if we let Him.  I now take the challenges in my life as an opportunity to look back at myself and how I can become a better, more accomplished person because of the mistakes I made or the hard circumstances given to me whether I brought them on myself or not.  That’s God refining me by fire.  In a weird way, I’ve come to enjoy the process, once the pain of the heat being applied subsides a bit.  It’s all part of the wisdom of our Maker.  “Father” knows best. Oh yes, you can bet He does.  We cannot always see it, but He does know best.  I, for one, can’t wait to see what He has in store next!! So, today, on this celebration of Independence Day here on the island, I’m having fun looking forward instead of behind me for once…can’t wait to see where I’ll be spending the 4^th in 2014. 

July 1-2, 2013 Wherever we go…

“Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1: 8-9

     My boys have been with their dad back in the states for 2 weeks this coming Friday, and I miss them terribly.  I have been calling about every other day to check in and chat.  I remember the first time I had to be away from more than a couple of weeks. Granted, they were a good bit younger than they are now, but it was excruciating.  If I hadn’t spoken to them in a few days, I would literally break down in tears.  I missed them so much…I could probably go back and find where I wrote about being away from them in this very blog.  In fact, when I posted my blog entry yesterday, I went back and read a couple of entries from the last year, which lead me to look in my drawer at some of my handwritten journals that I would write in before my internet blogging days.  One of these journals is one I keep for my youngest son.  I wrote back in August concerning how I had started talking with someone about my challenging situation with my children and ex-husband. My counselor saw how tightly I was holding on to my sons and suggested that I let go a bit in order to gain peace for myself and for them in the coming months and years.  Thankfully, I have been able to take that advice and apply it to my life, which shows through how I relate to being away from them now versus a couple of years ago.  Yes, I still call and check in and want to speak with them. And certainly, I still miss them as much as I ever have when we’ve been away from each other, but there’s not the panic and anxiety that there once was when I hadn’t spoken to them in awhile.  I know that God is with them wherever they go, and I no longer have to be terrified or discouraged or insecure about them or their future. It’s in God’s hands.  Because of God and His word, I can be strong and courageous like never before, trusting in God’s plan for my babies, just as I trust in His plan for me.  

June 5-30, 2013 Letting God Decide with My Eyes Wide Open…

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

     After once again getting out of the habit of exercising, I got up early yesterday to walk around the island before sunrise.  When I started this blog, it was because I really thought my last year on this island had begun, and I wanted to record what my life on an island was like before it was just a memory of a place I once lived.  That was in 2010. Obviously, God’s plan for me was to stay a while longer.  This evening as I walked the island I am so familiar with at sunset this time, I considered how many times I had wished to move on from here.  I listed in my mind all the other places over the years that I have thought about living and hoped for an opportunity to arise to take me there, none of which ever came about and certainly not for my lack of trying to find work and life elsewhere.  I have been putting my resume out there for jobs off and on for the last 5-7 years and despite an interview here and there, nothing has ever been offered to take me away from Kwajalein.  For now, God has spoken.  My life is here…on an atoll.  For how much longer? I don’t know. Where will He lead me to next? I don’t know that either.  A few years back, that would have made me very anxious, not having a plan or knowing where my future would be, but today, not so much.  I think the people who are most anxious about God’s plan for my life at this moment in time are my own parents.  Of course, they are very interested in helping me and my family get settled back in Alabama with them, and it’s not that I’m opposed to that. I’ve applied for jobs both there and in Oregon where my husband’s family lives as well as overseas (because the civil service jobs I qualify for are easier to break into overseas than in the states right now), but the simple truth of the matter is that God has not opened any doors to life off the atoll yet. And who knows, God may take me where my husband lands a job, not me.  It’s not all dependent on me getting a job first. My hubby is my family now along with my sons, so I have to be open to those opportunities God may open for him as well.  Bottom line is…I’m letting God decide my future.  I’m seeking Him first and His will for my life, not my own will, not my parent’s will (no offense, mom and dad), but God’s Will because He knows best.   Of course, I am keeping my eyes wide open, to see the opportunities He may be leading me to, to make sure I see His plan clearly when He reveals it, but in the meantime, I am resting in His plan for today and not worrying about tomorrow, and that’s enough, Praise God! J   

May 28-June 4, 2013 Looking at the world through God’s eyes…

“At dawn the disciples saw Jesus standing on the beach, but they couldn’t see who he was. He called out, ‘Friends, have you caught any fish?’ ‘No,’ they replied. Then he said, ‘Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you’ll get plenty of fish!’ So they did, and they couldn’t draw in the net because there were so many fish in it.” John 21: 4-6

     This last week it has finally started to hit me…my oldest son will be leaving not to return to me until December in only a few short weeks now.  I won’t be able to speak with him every day after school to ask how his day is or to hear his funny stories about what his friends did or what happened in class or at recess.  I won’t be a part of the various events he will be attending on the weekends or be able to teach his Sunday School class or help with a school party.  I will only have the occasional phone call or e-mail to check in with him.  What will make it even harder is that my youngest son will be here with me, so the oldest will be missed that much more because I will still be living the “family” life and attending all the school and family events, but my family will be incomplete this time.  We are shrinking from four to three in terms of our every day life.  Before this past year in counseling, I never would have thought to divide my children between households.  I never would have thought that this could be God’s plan for them, for all of us.  It still doesn’t feel good to me, but I have to trust in God’s guidance. This is the path He has laid out for us, and I am working hard to see the world before me through God’s eyes.  Just like the disciples in the boat who only needed to throw their nets on the other side of the boat to catch fish, I need to put aside what I thought would be best for everyone and start considering the other side of things.  God often has a different way for us than what we expect for ourselves and/or our children and families.  That’s what my “The One Year Praying through the Bible” devotional today brought out for me in the verse above.  God may want us to follow a different strategy or make a course correction from what we had programmed into our internal GPS.  Looking back over the last year from June 2012 to now, I realize that that’s exactly what God used this time for, to correct the course the boys and I were headed on when this crazy journey began, to show me through the people He brought into my life to provide guidance, that there was another way to move forward. During this year, I have had to continue to let go even more than I already had of my boys and allow Him to work directly in their lives without so much interference from me…it’s been one of the more peaceful years of the last 15, surprisingly, but that’s because I gave up a little more each day, week, and month of the control I was holding on so tightly to and let God have it.  If you have been reading my blog over the last couple of years, you know that letting go is a topic of discussion for me quite often, and that’s because it’s a day-by-day process. When you hold on so closely to ideas, people, ways of being and doing for so long, it takes a lot of strength to let it go, one little idea, person, or way of being and doing at a time.  I am sure I will keep finding things that I need to release in terms of control in my life for years to come, but it feels good to be one baby step closer to unburdening myself entirely to God’s will and way.  It turns out that looking at the world in a new way isn’t scary at all. It’s actually quite freeing! 

April 17-May 28, 2013 Month by Month…

“My son, pay attention to what I say;

turn your ear to my words.

Do not let them out of your sight,

keep them within your heart;

for they are life to those who find them

and health to one’s whole body.

Above all else, guard your heart,

for everything you do flows from it.

Keep your mouth free of perversity;

keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

Let your eyes look straight ahead;

fix your gaze directly before you.

Give careful thought to the paths for your feet

and be steadfast in all your ways.

Do not turn to the right or the left;

keep your foot from evil.”

Proverbs 4:20-27

     Once again, over a month has passed without one word written down to remember it by.  My life is sliding into memory month by month instead of day by day or week by week.  When the month of May began, I remember saying to myself, “I just have to get through this month, and then I’ll have more time to, to….” to do what? Clean the house, blog, spend more time with my family instead of at work? The problem with this way of thinking is that your priorities become skewed very quickly. The least important thing suddenly become the most important because you are putting these things first for the time being….until you complete that big project or land that big account. Well, there’s always going to be another big project looming around the corner or another big account to land.  As the weeks pass, the time for my oldest son to leave the island (where he was born and has spent the first 11 ¾ years of his life) to move back to Alabama with his dad is drawing near.  And where have I been? At work…a lot.  Even when I am here, he’s not much. He is at the age where he wants to be with his friends more than his parents, but still, this is the first weekend in a long while (being a long, 3 day weekend) that I have felt able to focus just on my home and family and not worry about the coming week or even have to go into work at all.  It’s nice…I’ve mostly just been deep-cleaning the house with the help of my husband and the boys, of course, but even cleaning the house together is more “family time” than I’ve had recently with them.  In fact, this weekend, cleaning time became a “wisdom imparting” session for my husband and I with my oldest son.  The conversation turned to video games that were made more for adults than for children, which led into bad language, and eventually reminded me of the aphorism, "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he."  If your mind is always on violent video games, and your ears are constantly filled with negative and ugly language, eventually, the words coming out of your mouth will be ugly, and violent thoughts rise to the surface first instead of kindness and peacemaking.  Your heart becomes harder and harder instead of softer and more sensitive to the love and joy in the world and from God. 

     At any rate, this aphorism, led me to look in the Bible as I knew there were similar sayings there. In fact, that’s probably where the aphorism came from. In Matthew 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” and in Proverbs 4: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Bottom line, I want my son to be aware of where his thoughts lie, where his heart is at any given moment, so that the new world of the states that he is about to enter on a more permanent basis is not going to turn him away from what he knows in his heart is right and good.  So, today, this week, this month, and all the months to follow as both my sons grow, I am dedicating Proverbs 4 to them, the entire Proverb, which was written by King Solomon as a personal plea to his own sons to heed the wisdom God had blessed him with during his reign as King. If you have sons, I encourage you to go to the Bible and read the entire chapter of Proverbs 4. Or better yet, read the entire book of Proverbs, as there’s a bit of Godly wisdom contained within for all of us.  When you find those bits of wisdom God is speaking into your heart follow the advice of Proverbs 3:3 below:

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” Proverbs 3:3