After a long day in the sun at Sixth Island yesterday, we spend most of the day indoors watching movies and playing Wii games, but as a mom, I cannot let my kids sit inside all day, so we got out of our darkened rooms around 3:30 to walk to the pool for our usual Monday swim. Before we even arrived (please note that the walk takes about 2 minutes at a casual pace from our rooms), my oldest had stopped completely and turned the other direction in the pursuit of grasshoppers. This has become a regular activity lately each time we are outside in a grassy area. My son is very good at catching all manner of small creatures from the slow moving hermit crabs he used to play with as a toddler to the quick darting geckos trying to camouflage themselves against the walls of buildings and eventually to the barely visible ghost crabs on the beach. So, grasshoppers are just the latest challenge for him. At the snack bar on Saturday night, he caught both geckos and grasshoppers, but was most excited to reveal the grasshopper which stayed right in the palm of his hand while he was showing me, but then decided to make a break for it when shown to his brother and my boyfriend, almost landing in my son’s Roy Rogers, which had just arrived at the table seconds before.
At any rate, as my youngest son and I kept plodding toward the pool, my first born all of a sudden began yelling, “I caught one, Mom!” as he ran towards us. I love it when my children connect to and get excited about nature, so even though we were going to the pool to swim, that activity was periodically interrupted by sessions of grasshopper catching. At one point, while showing me a grasshopper at the side of the pool, he jumped right in to swim with me! I carefully gathered him up in my hands to shake off and be on his way by land, but we decided not to bring them over to the pool again.
While the boys played imaginary games and swam, I went about my usual routine of sitting in the sun warming and reading for awhile before jumping in to do some water aerobics exercises and some laps. Over the years on the atoll, I have developed an even deeper love for the water and for swimming than I ever had growing up, and I’m happy to share that with my kids. They love to go to the pool, and their swimming skills are improving constantly. In fact, we usually have races to one end of the pool and back, although we have had to establish a “handicap” system like in golf or bowling in order to make it fair between the ages. This means, my youngest usually gets a head start of 5-8 seconds, and my oldest is about to lose his handicap because I can’t swim that much faster than him now.
Swimming is such a relaxing form of exercise and good therapy for a body that’s ailing from almost anything. In the past, when I have had a twisted ankle that I can barely walk on without tension or pain, I can go swimming and feel almost 100 % better afterwards, and it seems that swimming is the preferred exercise for those at the end of physical therapy and in recovery from a surgery or injury because it is so gentle on your body and joints, but yet still provides a full body workout. I can tell within a couple of weeks of consistent swimming a difference in my strength, stamina, stress levels, and over all muscle tone, which is quite amazing because it doesn’t even feel like hard work. While I sat out to dry and read some more after my swim, the boys had a snack and began wandering off and catching grasshoppers again. They probably spent more time doing that than swimming today, but that’s okay with me.
As we started to leave, one grasshopper jumped into my son’s shoe, and I shooed it off, but my oldest said, “You should have left it there, and he could have ridden on his shoe all the way home.” The ideas children get in their heads are so fascinating and fun (like the one yesterday where the son who is afraid of sharks imagined he could put a motor on the tail of a shark and a steering wheel on his head and ride on him through the water), but this idea of a grasshopper riding on a shoe reminded me of our trail walking in Alabama this summer with my parents where a butterfly hitched a ride on the back of my dad’s hat, then moved to my son’s arm, my other son’s back, and finally my shoulder and stayed there until we got to the car, and upon trying to get him to fly off, he came inside the car and rode on my mom’s seatbelt until we arrived home where he finally found a place on my parent’s roofline to light. I have pictures to prove this. It was so enchanting as many butterflies are too “flighty” to stay in one place very long, especially on a human resting spot. Not once have we ever been able to get a butterfly to land on us or ride with us in the jungles of Roi where they are abundant or even in the butterfly house at the Botanical Gardens near my parent’s house where we were offered butterfly “food” to put on our arms and entice them. And really, in the end, it’s more fascinating and memorable when things like this happen completely unprompted and unexpected, just like the grasshopper expedition today at the pool. It’s not part of our usual routine to swim with grasshoppers, but spontaneity results in new found enjoyment of life if you will only let yourself indulge in it.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
August 29, 2010- Boat Floats and Fish Food
Cruising out into the Pacific, the day was perfect for a boat float. The water was so clear and still it could have been pool water with a slight breeze blowing ripples across it. This type of water is best traversed slowly in the small boat marina’s Pontoon boat, nicknamed “Shaggy” or maybe it’s “Scooby;” I can never remember which one is which as one of these boats resides at Kwajalein’s marina. As we motored along to our “boat float” and picnic destination right next to Sixth Island, we gently maneuvered past various size dark spots in the water revealing all manner and size of coral heads where you could almost see all the way to the bottom (anywhere between 10-30 feet below). Usually boat floats on Roi entail a large group of friends and several boats, but today, it’s just the four of us, a family boat float, you might say. Before leaving, we made sure to pack plenty of food for our picnic including grapes and apples, sandwiches, and of course some junk food like chips, combos, candy, and chocolate for dessert.
Upon arriving, we headed into the water to swim and snorkel and see what we could discover underneath us in the shallow light blue green waters. Almost immediately, my oldest and my boyfriend spotted some cleaner wrasse fish and a 5 foot black tip shark. The youngest is still a little shy about the deep water and the possibility of seeing a shark, even though we have stressed to him that they are just like any other animal, more afraid of you than you are of them and not likely to even come near you unless you threaten them in some way. But, he was still nervous, so by the time I finally got him in the water with only a mask (due to the uncomfortable nature of the snorkel in his mouth which he decided not to wear), and a few comments about how cold the water is (typical for an island born boy as it’s between 75-80 degrees or so in the waters here), we took off.
In just the few minutes we snorkeled, we spotted a group of Bullethead Parrotfish, and plenty of Moorish Idols, which always make me think of Bumblebees because they are solidly striped in yellow and black. It’s also not hard to find various types of Butterflyfish in this area that is known for its snorkeling appeal. Adventures in the water are usually followed by “monsters in your opa” (Hawaiian for stomach), so we got back on the boat to quiet those monsters with our cooler full of delicious picnic food.
Although, before we could eat, we had to fulfill our mission for the day, to take jumping pictures for my friend, colleague, and my oldest son’s third grade teacher, who has recently started a jumping pics blog entiteld “Jumping Pics Will Save the World.” This was one of the highlights of the day as we plunged off the end of the boat with the magnificent view of the ocean and 6th island in front or in some cases, behind us. Some jumpers decided to jump backwards so they could look into the camera. If anyone’s stomach was not rumbling after snorkeling, it certainly was after snorkeling and jumping, so it was time to feast. Full bellies lead to nap attacks, so we lounged on the spacious deck of the boat before heading back to the marina. It was an absolutely beautiful day on the sea, and an absolutely perfect way to end an otherwise hectic week at work and school.
On the way home in our luxurious “golf cart” rented for the day from automotive services, we stopped to get rid of our “fish food,” which consists of old bread that’s been in the fridge too long, but is perfect for making into gluten balls and throwing to the fish near one of the local beach shacks called the “Gabby Shack.” At first, no one was biting except for my oldest who must not have eaten enough on the boat as he gnawed on buttermilk bread and commented on how good it was. Yuck! Then, suddenly, a hungry Picassofish practically jumped out of the water to grab some bread. He couldn’t seem to get enough until the Surgeon fish came along to check out the commotion. Lots of tiny fish stuck in the tide pools since the tide went out were happy to munch on the treats, and we even spotted several young moray eels and brittle starfish peeking out from underneath rocks and crevices in the tide pools. Right before running out of fish food, we saw two white tip sharks cruising just along the edge of the reef. It truly is amazing what you can see simply walking on the beach or reef at low tide on the atoll. Where else in the world could you be within reach of these fascinating fish and sea creatures without visiting an aquarium? It was a satisfying end to our afternoon in the wiles of Roi-Namur.
Upon arriving, we headed into the water to swim and snorkel and see what we could discover underneath us in the shallow light blue green waters. Almost immediately, my oldest and my boyfriend spotted some cleaner wrasse fish and a 5 foot black tip shark. The youngest is still a little shy about the deep water and the possibility of seeing a shark, even though we have stressed to him that they are just like any other animal, more afraid of you than you are of them and not likely to even come near you unless you threaten them in some way. But, he was still nervous, so by the time I finally got him in the water with only a mask (due to the uncomfortable nature of the snorkel in his mouth which he decided not to wear), and a few comments about how cold the water is (typical for an island born boy as it’s between 75-80 degrees or so in the waters here), we took off.
In just the few minutes we snorkeled, we spotted a group of Bullethead Parrotfish, and plenty of Moorish Idols, which always make me think of Bumblebees because they are solidly striped in yellow and black. It’s also not hard to find various types of Butterflyfish in this area that is known for its snorkeling appeal. Adventures in the water are usually followed by “monsters in your opa” (Hawaiian for stomach), so we got back on the boat to quiet those monsters with our cooler full of delicious picnic food.
Although, before we could eat, we had to fulfill our mission for the day, to take jumping pictures for my friend, colleague, and my oldest son’s third grade teacher, who has recently started a jumping pics blog entiteld “Jumping Pics Will Save the World.” This was one of the highlights of the day as we plunged off the end of the boat with the magnificent view of the ocean and 6th island in front or in some cases, behind us. Some jumpers decided to jump backwards so they could look into the camera. If anyone’s stomach was not rumbling after snorkeling, it certainly was after snorkeling and jumping, so it was time to feast. Full bellies lead to nap attacks, so we lounged on the spacious deck of the boat before heading back to the marina. It was an absolutely beautiful day on the sea, and an absolutely perfect way to end an otherwise hectic week at work and school.
On the way home in our luxurious “golf cart” rented for the day from automotive services, we stopped to get rid of our “fish food,” which consists of old bread that’s been in the fridge too long, but is perfect for making into gluten balls and throwing to the fish near one of the local beach shacks called the “Gabby Shack.” At first, no one was biting except for my oldest who must not have eaten enough on the boat as he gnawed on buttermilk bread and commented on how good it was. Yuck! Then, suddenly, a hungry Picassofish practically jumped out of the water to grab some bread. He couldn’t seem to get enough until the Surgeon fish came along to check out the commotion. Lots of tiny fish stuck in the tide pools since the tide went out were happy to munch on the treats, and we even spotted several young moray eels and brittle starfish peeking out from underneath rocks and crevices in the tide pools. Right before running out of fish food, we saw two white tip sharks cruising just along the edge of the reef. It truly is amazing what you can see simply walking on the beach or reef at low tide on the atoll. Where else in the world could you be within reach of these fascinating fish and sea creatures without visiting an aquarium? It was a satisfying end to our afternoon in the wiles of Roi-Namur.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
August 28, 2010- Roi-Namur, Roi-Namur, Jiggety-Jog
After a challenging first week of school this year, the boys and I were very excited to head back to Roi-Namur. It will be the first weekend the boys have been there for over 2 months, and the first time they will have seen my sweetheart since our vacation all together over a month ago. Another first in a long time is that my oldest did not fall asleep on the short 20 minute flight, even though he said he was tired and ready for a nap. Once we arrived, both children were practically bouncing off the walls from what I can only guess was a combination of excitement at being on Roi and with family and friends again and being a little over tired from the last three days of school. I admit, it’s been tougher than I thought to go back to work full time after being off for 10 weeks. I won’t say I didn’t enjoy it, but I can also see now how sometimes breaks can be too long because it makes it even harder for the children and teachers to get back into the groove of things after relaxing and having no set schedule for an entire summer.
As we entered the all too familiar “Transient Housing Quarters” we stay during our weekends on Roi, the musty smell of mold hits us. This is not unusual for the islands, mold that is, as it is always a very balmy 85-89 degrees, and it’s almost impossible to not encounter mold to a certain degree in all the facilities and quarters on the islands, even with air-conditioning. In fact, when I took the boys for their annual check-up at the hospital the other day, I asked the doctor if he had discovered a lot of common environmental type allergies in his short time here on island, and he told me the majority of allergies he had come into contact with were mold allergies, which was certainly not a surprise to me. At any rate, once we entered our familiar musty rooms, the boys promptly began wrestling on the beds and using their outside voices. Then, they began to whine about having to put on their shoes to go to the store, being so hungry they were on the brink of death, and just plain complaining. I guess my over tired theory was accurate. We moms do learn a thing or two about how our kids work and what makes them tick or stop ticking normally, so to speak, during those early years with them, although they mostly think we don’t know much about anything. Time to run off some of that over tired, nervous energy since it’s not quite bedtime yet.
One of the boys’ favorite activities on Roi is going to the snack bar where they have Shirley Temples or Roy Rogers along with all those yummy fried kids’ foods such as mozzarella sticks (an absolute must each time for my oldest son), cheese quesadillas or cheese pizza, and cheeseburgers or grilled cheese sandwiches. Nice and nutritious, right? Over the course of the weekend, we also plan to go snorkeling in the ocean and swimming in the pool, and maybe even see a movie at the open air covered theater. It may sound a bit low key or boring to some, but for me, it’s heaven. Getting to spend all day and night with my boys, reading and singing them to sleep, waking up to their smiles and laughter, and simply being all together as a family is why we love Roi, even with all the mold, the over tired whining, and the extra effort it takes to pack up our things, get on a plane, and hop on over to our neighboring island. After all, it’s our home away from home. Jiggety-Jog!
As we entered the all too familiar “Transient Housing Quarters” we stay during our weekends on Roi, the musty smell of mold hits us. This is not unusual for the islands, mold that is, as it is always a very balmy 85-89 degrees, and it’s almost impossible to not encounter mold to a certain degree in all the facilities and quarters on the islands, even with air-conditioning. In fact, when I took the boys for their annual check-up at the hospital the other day, I asked the doctor if he had discovered a lot of common environmental type allergies in his short time here on island, and he told me the majority of allergies he had come into contact with were mold allergies, which was certainly not a surprise to me. At any rate, once we entered our familiar musty rooms, the boys promptly began wrestling on the beds and using their outside voices. Then, they began to whine about having to put on their shoes to go to the store, being so hungry they were on the brink of death, and just plain complaining. I guess my over tired theory was accurate. We moms do learn a thing or two about how our kids work and what makes them tick or stop ticking normally, so to speak, during those early years with them, although they mostly think we don’t know much about anything. Time to run off some of that over tired, nervous energy since it’s not quite bedtime yet.
One of the boys’ favorite activities on Roi is going to the snack bar where they have Shirley Temples or Roy Rogers along with all those yummy fried kids’ foods such as mozzarella sticks (an absolute must each time for my oldest son), cheese quesadillas or cheese pizza, and cheeseburgers or grilled cheese sandwiches. Nice and nutritious, right? Over the course of the weekend, we also plan to go snorkeling in the ocean and swimming in the pool, and maybe even see a movie at the open air covered theater. It may sound a bit low key or boring to some, but for me, it’s heaven. Getting to spend all day and night with my boys, reading and singing them to sleep, waking up to their smiles and laughter, and simply being all together as a family is why we love Roi, even with all the mold, the over tired whining, and the extra effort it takes to pack up our things, get on a plane, and hop on over to our neighboring island. After all, it’s our home away from home. Jiggety-Jog!
Friday, August 27, 2010
August 27, 2010-Finding Peace with Life on Kwaj: Friendships and Family Time
I talked to my boyfriend last night and heard stories about the awesome dive he had with some friends up on Roi, and my heart sank because I hate missing out on those special times with him and in the water. I have been spoiled this last month of summer being able to commute back and forth from Kwaj to Roi whenever I wanted due to the lack of work and child rearing responsibilities I usually have on my plate. That said, I really began to think today about what makes being here on Kwajalein worthwhile for me. If I’m going to last the rest of this school year here, and if I’m going to meet my goal of being positive and focusing on the good things about life on an atoll, then I have to find those comforts on Kwajalein that keep me content and at peace. So, here it is in a nutshell, friendship and family time.
The last couple of days I’ve enjoyed lunchtimes with my two sweet boys, reading and laughing at Garfield comics in my classroom while munching on grilled cheese sandwiches, and reading the second book in the “How to Train Your Dragon” series after school with one child a piece snuggled up against me on either side. I wouldn’t trade those moments with my kids for anything. Hearing about their day and what they talked and learned about at school is priceless. Having been a teacher at a before and after school program previously, I listened to many a child tell stories of their day and ask for help with homework or solving a conflict with a friend, and my heart went out to them and their parents, wondering if mom and dad were able to share these same experiences with their children later in the day or if they totally miss out, which would be a shame because it’s such a bonding moment. Those moments were the primary reason why it was difficult and still is some days, for me to leave that job behind. I felt like I was leaving my own kids in so many ways. Point being, I am so glad I can be there for my kids in that way, hearing their stories and frustrations of the day, and then sharing some quiet time indulging in activities they love before the end of my day with them.
The other thing that keeps me going here on Kwajalein is my closest friendships. I don’t have many, grant you, but they are so loyal and genuine that it is enough. Tonight, I spent time eating chips and salsa, veggie burgers, and ice cream with Bailey’s liqueur on top with two dear friends, sharing stories of their lives, current events, and laughter over a few glasses of wine while we watched the rain that has been prevalent all day from her back patio. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for my friends here. After everything I have gone through on such a tiny island, to still have these friends is huge because friendship means being there even when things are at their worst, and I have only about 2 friends out of all I’ve made over the years here who are that type of friend, through thick and thin, but their unconditional love and support has made it possible for me to stay here through all the tough days. So, yes, I may have missed out on a beautiful dive yesterday with my honey, and I may have even missed another magnificent one today, but it’s okay because I made up for it by investing in my boys and my friends, and after all they have done and been for me, I cannot give back enough to them in order to show how proud I am to be a part of their lives.
The last couple of days I’ve enjoyed lunchtimes with my two sweet boys, reading and laughing at Garfield comics in my classroom while munching on grilled cheese sandwiches, and reading the second book in the “How to Train Your Dragon” series after school with one child a piece snuggled up against me on either side. I wouldn’t trade those moments with my kids for anything. Hearing about their day and what they talked and learned about at school is priceless. Having been a teacher at a before and after school program previously, I listened to many a child tell stories of their day and ask for help with homework or solving a conflict with a friend, and my heart went out to them and their parents, wondering if mom and dad were able to share these same experiences with their children later in the day or if they totally miss out, which would be a shame because it’s such a bonding moment. Those moments were the primary reason why it was difficult and still is some days, for me to leave that job behind. I felt like I was leaving my own kids in so many ways. Point being, I am so glad I can be there for my kids in that way, hearing their stories and frustrations of the day, and then sharing some quiet time indulging in activities they love before the end of my day with them.
The other thing that keeps me going here on Kwajalein is my closest friendships. I don’t have many, grant you, but they are so loyal and genuine that it is enough. Tonight, I spent time eating chips and salsa, veggie burgers, and ice cream with Bailey’s liqueur on top with two dear friends, sharing stories of their lives, current events, and laughter over a few glasses of wine while we watched the rain that has been prevalent all day from her back patio. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for my friends here. After everything I have gone through on such a tiny island, to still have these friends is huge because friendship means being there even when things are at their worst, and I have only about 2 friends out of all I’ve made over the years here who are that type of friend, through thick and thin, but their unconditional love and support has made it possible for me to stay here through all the tough days. So, yes, I may have missed out on a beautiful dive yesterday with my honey, and I may have even missed another magnificent one today, but it’s okay because I made up for it by investing in my boys and my friends, and after all they have done and been for me, I cannot give back enough to them in order to show how proud I am to be a part of their lives.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
August 26, 2010-First Grade Life Lessons
I think the saying “Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten” should be changed to first grade. Today, because of recent cuts in staffing at our elementary school, I was able to spend the entire first day of first grade with my son as the co-teacher for his class. There were many things to learn. The first being, “wait your turn to talk and raise your hand if you have something to say.” This is so important throughout life. How many times are you simply waiting for someone else to stop talking before you can say something or worse, how many times have you simply interrupted in the excitement or anxiety of the moment? This is really about listening. We can all learn how to do that better, no matter how good we think we are at it.
The second lesson is, “Take good care of your stuff and keep it organized.” In first grade, the students all have their own desks, which is not the case in kindergarten, where they are situated at large tables, and they all share containers of crayons and other supplies. Now, they are allowed to keep their own personal things such as scissors, glue sticks, pencils, crayons, and work inside when they are not using them, but already today, many students lost track of their work or their pencil because they set it on their desk, and it fell off when they raised up the top to get something else out from inside. This is another good life lesson. How often do you forget where you put your keys or a certain pair of shoes, or some other essential item that you need right before you leave the house to get to work, and it makes you late because of your poor organization skills? How often do you lose that one important paper in the midst of all the other papers piling up on your desk when it’s time for taxes or school registration or that important meeting, and so on and so forth? As an organizational freak, I think you can never stop learning and improving when it comes to organization.
The third first grade life lesson is, “Crying is not going to solve your problem.” When it’s over, it’s over. You can’t change it. Maybe you did not have time to complete that task or coloring job exactly the way you wanted to or you picked the wrong way to address a difficult situation, but crying over it is not going to help. Moving on and diving into the next task with the right attitude is the only thing you can do sometimes, and that’s okay.
The fourth and final lesson is, “Sitting next to your best friend is not always the best choice when it’s time to listen and get to work.” Isn’t this so true in life as well? Personally, it always takes me ten times longer to get even mundane tasks done if I am trying to do them while talking to a friend on the phone or even visiting in person. Best friends who work together often proves disastrous for the friendship. I’m not saying it can’t be done as it can for some, but this lesson is more about being aware of what you can and can’t handle before you make it harder on yourself. If you know you won’t be able to concentrate on studying for that important work related certification test with your best friend because you’ll start gossiping or watching your favorite TV show together, then don’t plan to study with him or her. Make it easier on yourself, not harder.
In just one day in first grade, I watched students begin to learn these four lessons, including my son, who is currently learning the last one, and they will continue to learn them throughout the year because first grade is for the big boys and girls, so to speak. In kindergarten, you are still babied to a certain extent. The kids still have snacks and naps, and share tables together and are not responsible totally for their own stuff, but in first grade, they are just like everyone else at the elementary school. This means the lessons above have a lot to do with growing up and maturing, and they are lessons we are should be reminded of now and again, don’t you think?
The second lesson is, “Take good care of your stuff and keep it organized.” In first grade, the students all have their own desks, which is not the case in kindergarten, where they are situated at large tables, and they all share containers of crayons and other supplies. Now, they are allowed to keep their own personal things such as scissors, glue sticks, pencils, crayons, and work inside when they are not using them, but already today, many students lost track of their work or their pencil because they set it on their desk, and it fell off when they raised up the top to get something else out from inside. This is another good life lesson. How often do you forget where you put your keys or a certain pair of shoes, or some other essential item that you need right before you leave the house to get to work, and it makes you late because of your poor organization skills? How often do you lose that one important paper in the midst of all the other papers piling up on your desk when it’s time for taxes or school registration or that important meeting, and so on and so forth? As an organizational freak, I think you can never stop learning and improving when it comes to organization.
The third first grade life lesson is, “Crying is not going to solve your problem.” When it’s over, it’s over. You can’t change it. Maybe you did not have time to complete that task or coloring job exactly the way you wanted to or you picked the wrong way to address a difficult situation, but crying over it is not going to help. Moving on and diving into the next task with the right attitude is the only thing you can do sometimes, and that’s okay.
The fourth and final lesson is, “Sitting next to your best friend is not always the best choice when it’s time to listen and get to work.” Isn’t this so true in life as well? Personally, it always takes me ten times longer to get even mundane tasks done if I am trying to do them while talking to a friend on the phone or even visiting in person. Best friends who work together often proves disastrous for the friendship. I’m not saying it can’t be done as it can for some, but this lesson is more about being aware of what you can and can’t handle before you make it harder on yourself. If you know you won’t be able to concentrate on studying for that important work related certification test with your best friend because you’ll start gossiping or watching your favorite TV show together, then don’t plan to study with him or her. Make it easier on yourself, not harder.
In just one day in first grade, I watched students begin to learn these four lessons, including my son, who is currently learning the last one, and they will continue to learn them throughout the year because first grade is for the big boys and girls, so to speak. In kindergarten, you are still babied to a certain extent. The kids still have snacks and naps, and share tables together and are not responsible totally for their own stuff, but in first grade, they are just like everyone else at the elementary school. This means the lessons above have a lot to do with growing up and maturing, and they are lessons we are should be reminded of now and again, don’t you think?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
August 25, 2010- Exhaustion and Blessing
Some days living on an atoll is just like living anywhere else. You get up, get ready for work, eat breakfast, go to work, work hard all day, then go home, spend some time with your kids, then go to bed. Today, that was my day, and I’m too exhausted to even think about writing any more. I will say, though, that I am thankful to have a job, to have two beautiful boys to care for, to have a loving partner to walk through this life with, and to have the opportunity to live on this island. I am blessed. Good Night! :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
August 24, 2010-Back to Reality
As the teachers here ramp up for the new school year beginning on Thursday, we mourn the loss of 5 of our colleagues who were given their pink slips just last week. Due to budget cuts, our staff had to be reduced before fiscal year 2011 to begin in October, which necessitated the termination of 5 teachers right before the school year is to begin. In addition, the remaining teachers were asked to move their classrooms, so that all classes could take place in one building instead of our former 2 buildings, so it’s been a very hectic weekend and start to the week. I witnessed more than one tear being shed today, and I personally shed more than most. I just couldn’t seem to stop the flow. I am hurting for my friends who will not be teaching with me this year, for the changes in our school system, for the uncertain future as many more cuts across all departments on the base are coming sooner rather than later, and for the stress and anxiety this brings to all of us in a place that is so desirable to live because of its usual relaxed, low stress environment.
It’s not that the transition here is new. We’ve been experiencing a decrease in island budget, population, and quality of life services for several years now, but when the big cuts come all of a sudden and to those we work so closely with, it’s still hard to swallow. It’s one of those, “we knew it could happen, but now that it has we can’t believe it” kind of scenarios. Everyone goes through this type of situations at some point in their lives, and even though we live on an atoll isolated from the “real world” as we refer to it, and it seems sometimes that we still live in the “Leave it to Beaver” and “Brady Bunch” worlds of safety and good feelings where our kids and marriages are all well adjusted and happy, a tough day like today brings us right back to reality.
Life is fragile and can change in an instant, just like the lives of the clams at Sand Island, which could be snuffed out by another freak storm surge churning up the waters despite our best efforts to protect them. Life changes quickly, and we are not in control just as the ocean is constantly stirring itself up and exerting its power over us and our world through horrific natural disasters beyond our ability to quell. Nature mimics life in so many ways or maybe our lives mimic nature. Either way, living on an atoll is living very close to nature. It doesn’t make the trials of life disappear or even make them any easier, but just as nature can destroy; it also regenerates and creates new life every day. We can learn from this to simply be patient and wait, wait for nature to renew itself, wait for the storms to subside and for the sunshine and rainbows to appear. And they will appear again, maybe at the most surprising time, and we’ll settle into life again and find our rhythm, just as the ocean goes back to its natural rhythm after the storm surges cease. Keep your chin up for those of you struggling with a loss today. New life will be born out of the ashes of what’s been lost, and our “soil” will be that much richer because of these character building experiences.
It’s not that the transition here is new. We’ve been experiencing a decrease in island budget, population, and quality of life services for several years now, but when the big cuts come all of a sudden and to those we work so closely with, it’s still hard to swallow. It’s one of those, “we knew it could happen, but now that it has we can’t believe it” kind of scenarios. Everyone goes through this type of situations at some point in their lives, and even though we live on an atoll isolated from the “real world” as we refer to it, and it seems sometimes that we still live in the “Leave it to Beaver” and “Brady Bunch” worlds of safety and good feelings where our kids and marriages are all well adjusted and happy, a tough day like today brings us right back to reality.
Life is fragile and can change in an instant, just like the lives of the clams at Sand Island, which could be snuffed out by another freak storm surge churning up the waters despite our best efforts to protect them. Life changes quickly, and we are not in control just as the ocean is constantly stirring itself up and exerting its power over us and our world through horrific natural disasters beyond our ability to quell. Nature mimics life in so many ways or maybe our lives mimic nature. Either way, living on an atoll is living very close to nature. It doesn’t make the trials of life disappear or even make them any easier, but just as nature can destroy; it also regenerates and creates new life every day. We can learn from this to simply be patient and wait, wait for nature to renew itself, wait for the storms to subside and for the sunshine and rainbows to appear. And they will appear again, maybe at the most surprising time, and we’ll settle into life again and find our rhythm, just as the ocean goes back to its natural rhythm after the storm surges cease. Keep your chin up for those of you struggling with a loss today. New life will be born out of the ashes of what’s been lost, and our “soil” will be that much richer because of these character building experiences.
August 23, 2010-Storytelling
My darling 6 year old always has a story to tell. And even though I don’t believe the actual art of storytelling is one of my natural talents, there are plenty who are talented in this, without even knowing it. Listening to stories of other’s life experiences is one of my favorite past times, and one of the things I’ll miss most about life on Roi. Today, we had another incredible morning of diving above the airplane graveyard and on one of the most magnificent coral heads in the lagoon, but what I most relish about our day is the storytelling done on the boat before, between, and after diving. I used to think, when I was younger, that you had to be old to have a good story to tell, a lifetime of stories to make it worthwhile, and it’s true that you may have more stories to tell as you mature in age, but you don’t have to be old to have a wealth of stories to share or even just one to contribute in a meaningful way. In fact, my children, at ages 6 and 8, already have so many stories about their lives. They may not always remember them, but we do, and when we go camping, those stories of their lives and ours are always requested as we sit around the campfire making s’mores or wait at the picnic table for the charcoal to get sufficiently hot to grill our dinner.
The boys never get tired of hearing our stories, even if they seem boring to us or they’d heard the stories before, so we share them again and giggle about the funny parts and tear up at the sad parts, but more importantly, every day we make more memories to share during storytelling time later. Today, our friends on the boat had several stories to share that made us laugh and began to cement a budding friendship between the four of us. And each day I’ve spent on Roi eating at the Chow Hall or at the Outrigger Bar, I learn more about the people who have chosen to live on this tiny atoll, and I treasure the closeness and general joy it provides to daily life here. Just as so many love to read memoirs, biographies, autobiographies, and other non-fiction accounts of people’s lives, famous or not, this type of casual, verbal storytelling, is not only fascinating, but it is also heartwarming. It brings meaning and purpose to living in what could otherwise be a very stifling, small group of islands without much in the form of entertainment options, especially if you are not into water sports.
For the Marshallese, their language is all oral, and one of the most important ways to pass on lessons and history of their culture generation after generation is through verbal storytelling. The Republic of the Marshall Islands Ministry of Education is currently in the process of trying to get their oral language formalized in a written format, but it is not an easy task, and there’s still very little in terms of their myths, legends, language and cultural history written in their native language. To make it more challenging, most Marshallese cannot even read their own language when they do have the privilege of having their stories translated into Marshallese, so storytelling is what has held their culture in place while so many outside Western influences have come into their nation and tried to change things for the better and sometimes, the worse.
It’s what draws me to write down my days, my adventures, simple and uneventful they may be compared to others, in order to record life in a place hidden away from the world in so many aspects, to record the history of my family and our adventures for my boys like the Marshallese are trying to preserve and record their family histories, and to help me remember how good life was and is for me on the atoll. It’s what keeps me writing down stories in the form of children’s books to share the many small, but adorable sayings and activities of my boys as they grow, and it helps me remember those stories to share with them later around the campfire when they are grown and have their own families. That way we never forget who we were, who we are, or who we have become because of those experiences. Life is difficult at times, that’s for sure, and sometimes all we can preserve are those stories, those memories, that bond us together as family, friends, and human beings struggling to just be content and at peace with whatever life brings us and more importantly, to enjoy the life we have before it slips away into the sea like the sun at the end of an adventurous day on the water.
The boys never get tired of hearing our stories, even if they seem boring to us or they’d heard the stories before, so we share them again and giggle about the funny parts and tear up at the sad parts, but more importantly, every day we make more memories to share during storytelling time later. Today, our friends on the boat had several stories to share that made us laugh and began to cement a budding friendship between the four of us. And each day I’ve spent on Roi eating at the Chow Hall or at the Outrigger Bar, I learn more about the people who have chosen to live on this tiny atoll, and I treasure the closeness and general joy it provides to daily life here. Just as so many love to read memoirs, biographies, autobiographies, and other non-fiction accounts of people’s lives, famous or not, this type of casual, verbal storytelling, is not only fascinating, but it is also heartwarming. It brings meaning and purpose to living in what could otherwise be a very stifling, small group of islands without much in the form of entertainment options, especially if you are not into water sports.
For the Marshallese, their language is all oral, and one of the most important ways to pass on lessons and history of their culture generation after generation is through verbal storytelling. The Republic of the Marshall Islands Ministry of Education is currently in the process of trying to get their oral language formalized in a written format, but it is not an easy task, and there’s still very little in terms of their myths, legends, language and cultural history written in their native language. To make it more challenging, most Marshallese cannot even read their own language when they do have the privilege of having their stories translated into Marshallese, so storytelling is what has held their culture in place while so many outside Western influences have come into their nation and tried to change things for the better and sometimes, the worse.
It’s what draws me to write down my days, my adventures, simple and uneventful they may be compared to others, in order to record life in a place hidden away from the world in so many aspects, to record the history of my family and our adventures for my boys like the Marshallese are trying to preserve and record their family histories, and to help me remember how good life was and is for me on the atoll. It’s what keeps me writing down stories in the form of children’s books to share the many small, but adorable sayings and activities of my boys as they grow, and it helps me remember those stories to share with them later around the campfire when they are grown and have their own families. That way we never forget who we were, who we are, or who we have become because of those experiences. Life is difficult at times, that’s for sure, and sometimes all we can preserve are those stories, those memories, that bond us together as family, friends, and human beings struggling to just be content and at peace with whatever life brings us and more importantly, to enjoy the life we have before it slips away into the sea like the sun at the end of an adventurous day on the water.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
August 22, 2010-Airplane Graveyard Adventures
Descending the anchor lines on another Sunday morning into an abyss of Pacific blue, the shape of a plane begins to come into view, and not just one, but 2 right next to a thriving coral head, then 4 more off to the left in the sand. Where are we? In the airplane graveyard, which is just as its name suggests, a final resting place for airplanes. Unlike many of the other awesome wreck sites that can be dove here in the Marshalls, this one is not a tragic end for the Japanese or Americans during WWII, but rather, a dumping ground for American war planes, such as the SBD (silent but deadly) Dauntless, B-25s, C-45s, and Corsairs, which became obsolete after the war was over, so the Americans, one by one, pushed them off carriers into the water over 100 feet deep to rest in peace there forever.
It is a favorite dive spot for not only Kwajalein and Roi residents, but also for visitors, temporary duty workers, oceanic research groups, and many, many more. In fact, if you don’t dive, you can still see the planes on a little known DVE created by the Oceanic Research Group in 2004 called “The Silent Wrecks of Kwajalein Atoll. It’s a small piece of history, suspended forever in time at the bottom of the sea. Today was my third dive on the planes, and each time, I try to keep a count of all the planes I see. There are 13 in all, but I’ve never counted more than 9 before it’s time to head back to the surface.
The planes did not land all in a row or even all in the same way. There are planes shoved up next to coral heads, planes nose down in the sand with their tails sticking up 20 feet or so above their faces. There are planes without wings, maybe they lost them upon descent, and it’s hard to tell now whose wings were whose. I saw one partial wing in the sand by itself as I was descending, and one almost full wing stuck into the side of a coral head and partially on top of another wing of an almost fully intact plane as we neared to bottom. I wonder what it looked like to the sailors who helped guide these planes off the carrier unit as they watched them float into the deep. Some of the planes are in the sand upright and all by themselves, while others are groups together by twos or fours. It is quite a sight to see, and I look forward to someday getting around to seeing all 13 planes, but for now, I will relish having the chance to see a few of them more than once and to share the experience with good friends and beautiful, tropical weather to accompany us on our way there and back.
It is a favorite dive spot for not only Kwajalein and Roi residents, but also for visitors, temporary duty workers, oceanic research groups, and many, many more. In fact, if you don’t dive, you can still see the planes on a little known DVE created by the Oceanic Research Group in 2004 called “The Silent Wrecks of Kwajalein Atoll. It’s a small piece of history, suspended forever in time at the bottom of the sea. Today was my third dive on the planes, and each time, I try to keep a count of all the planes I see. There are 13 in all, but I’ve never counted more than 9 before it’s time to head back to the surface.
The planes did not land all in a row or even all in the same way. There are planes shoved up next to coral heads, planes nose down in the sand with their tails sticking up 20 feet or so above their faces. There are planes without wings, maybe they lost them upon descent, and it’s hard to tell now whose wings were whose. I saw one partial wing in the sand by itself as I was descending, and one almost full wing stuck into the side of a coral head and partially on top of another wing of an almost fully intact plane as we neared to bottom. I wonder what it looked like to the sailors who helped guide these planes off the carrier unit as they watched them float into the deep. Some of the planes are in the sand upright and all by themselves, while others are groups together by twos or fours. It is quite a sight to see, and I look forward to someday getting around to seeing all 13 planes, but for now, I will relish having the chance to see a few of them more than once and to share the experience with good friends and beautiful, tropical weather to accompany us on our way there and back.
August 21, 2010- My Kwaj Kids
My precious boys arrived back on Kwajalein today! On an atoll, there’s usually just enough space on the runway for the plane to land, and you certainly don’t have the luxury of having a jet way carrying you from the door of the plane to the inside of the terminal as we really don’t have a terminal, just a holding room where you are debriefed by the police department, scan your badge to record that you’ve returned on island, and it’s back out into the hot sun to wait for your luggage. Usually, I arrive early enough to wait on the bleachers behind the fence at the end of the runway, but today it was rainy, and the plane landed a bit earlier than most days. That means I missed watching the passengers deplane into the bright sunshine, down the steps, and into the holding area, so I waited in the outdoor hallway by the 2 big, black windowless doors for them to come out.
There was a flurry of people waiting for loved ones, co-workers, and friends of all ages. This was the “teacher” flight, as in “half the teachers are arriving home from summer vacations” for school beginning on Tuesday, so there were several hugs and “welcome backs” to hand out before my own babies appeared in the doorway. Even if it’s only been a week or two, I always feel like they’ve changed so much when they come back from a trip, and today was no different. They seem to have grown, and it was so nice to feel the soft skin of their cheeks next to mine and to see their shy grins upon seeing me.
They really do grow up so fast. In just a couple of months, they will turn seven and nine years old, and in just a couple of days, they will start first and third grade. It’s been hard for me to let go and let them have their independence over the last couple of years, but it is time, and their maturity over the last year has proven that. After a brief reunion and some milkshakes at the snack bar, I sent them back home, so I could catch my flight to Roi. I figured they would want to spend time at their own home in their own beds and with their dog after being gone 10 weeks. It’s the first time they’ve spent that much time away from Kwajalein, and I worried at the beginning of the trip that they would get homesick, but as usual, they handled it all beautifully, and my worrying was all for naught. Just as I have gained maturity and independence in leaps and bounds since moving to Kwajalein more than a decade ago, they are gaining the same growing up on the atoll as “Kwaj Kids,” and I’m very proud of them and very happy to have them back.
There was a flurry of people waiting for loved ones, co-workers, and friends of all ages. This was the “teacher” flight, as in “half the teachers are arriving home from summer vacations” for school beginning on Tuesday, so there were several hugs and “welcome backs” to hand out before my own babies appeared in the doorway. Even if it’s only been a week or two, I always feel like they’ve changed so much when they come back from a trip, and today was no different. They seem to have grown, and it was so nice to feel the soft skin of their cheeks next to mine and to see their shy grins upon seeing me.
They really do grow up so fast. In just a couple of months, they will turn seven and nine years old, and in just a couple of days, they will start first and third grade. It’s been hard for me to let go and let them have their independence over the last couple of years, but it is time, and their maturity over the last year has proven that. After a brief reunion and some milkshakes at the snack bar, I sent them back home, so I could catch my flight to Roi. I figured they would want to spend time at their own home in their own beds and with their dog after being gone 10 weeks. It’s the first time they’ve spent that much time away from Kwajalein, and I worried at the beginning of the trip that they would get homesick, but as usual, they handled it all beautifully, and my worrying was all for naught. Just as I have gained maturity and independence in leaps and bounds since moving to Kwajalein more than a decade ago, they are gaining the same growing up on the atoll as “Kwaj Kids,” and I’m very proud of them and very happy to have them back.
Friday, August 20, 2010
August 20, 2010-PCSing and Patio Sales, Acronyms and Kwajisms
When I was growing up, my aunt loved to go Garage Sale Shopping. In fact, she still loves to go to garage sales. Her Christmas shopping is already done for the year! I always liked to “window shop” at these sales more than purchase anything. I will say though that I never have trouble finding something that I want at an antique shop, and garage sales can satisfy an antique lover’s lust for the old at a very reasonable price. That’s part of the fun of garage sales, that you never know what treasures you might find.
Out here, it’s almost a necessity to be willing to purchase someone else’s used goods because you can’t go to the local dive shop, Wal-Mart, maternity store, etc...to find everyday or specialty needs. The difference between here and the states is that we call our second-hand residential shopping, “Patio Sales,” and the best deals can be found when someone is PCSing (Permanent Change of Station) or in other words, leaving the island for good. Because we reside on a military base with all government built facilities, we are provided furnished living quarters free of charge (BQ’s for singles and some married couples and 1, 2, and 3 bedroom houses for families with children).
Many times, residents who move here bring the very minimum in regards to personal goods and over time they decide to buy a couch from a friend who is leaving or they purchase the latest electronics for watching movies with the extra spending money we all tend to have on an island where we don’t have any bills, and when a resident PCS’s, they sell it all, so they don’t have to pay extra to ship anything back, and so they can buy the latest things that fit their new homes when they return to the states. The deals can be tremendous too, especially for those who advertise in the paper “FINAL PCS SALE-EVERYTHING MUST GO!” In other words, “we have to get rid of this even if we have to give it away because we fly out on the plane tomorrow.”
Today, I am going to get some much needed replacement dive gear for stuff that is plain worn out since I bought it 12+ years ago. I am so glad to not have to go online and wait for 10 minutes while each page on our antiquated dial-up internet system (this is not the kind of antique I love by the way) loads up, and I look for the items I need, then hope and pray that it will be the right size, type, and exactly what I was looking for. Some things are just better seen, tried on, and bought in person. Clothes and shoes for one, particularly swimsuits and undergarments, are better when you try them on first, but even things like bike parts, curtains, snorkels and masks have proved problematic for my friends and me in the past to order online, so that’s where Patio Sales come in.
We don’t have garages out here, except for the Commander’s house, but his is really more of a carport. The families have patios instead of carports or garages, so it’s become one of our many “Kwajisms” to refer to a garage sale as a patio sale. It took me a long time to not call it a garage sale, and it’s still hard to explain to a child who has grown up out here and never been to the states what a garage is when it comes up on his phonics paper at school. It also took me a long time to learn all the military acronyms (like PCS) used on a base, even as a civilian. In fact, just today I learned a new one; imagine that, a new acronym after 13 years on the same base. It’s not new really, just new to me. Well, I guess the saying is true that you learn something new every day. It may not be the most exciting thing you’ve ever learned, but at least you are learning, right? Well, I’m off to the patio sale, maybe I’ll find something I never knew I needed and just have to have. :)
Out here, it’s almost a necessity to be willing to purchase someone else’s used goods because you can’t go to the local dive shop, Wal-Mart, maternity store, etc...to find everyday or specialty needs. The difference between here and the states is that we call our second-hand residential shopping, “Patio Sales,” and the best deals can be found when someone is PCSing (Permanent Change of Station) or in other words, leaving the island for good. Because we reside on a military base with all government built facilities, we are provided furnished living quarters free of charge (BQ’s for singles and some married couples and 1, 2, and 3 bedroom houses for families with children).
Many times, residents who move here bring the very minimum in regards to personal goods and over time they decide to buy a couch from a friend who is leaving or they purchase the latest electronics for watching movies with the extra spending money we all tend to have on an island where we don’t have any bills, and when a resident PCS’s, they sell it all, so they don’t have to pay extra to ship anything back, and so they can buy the latest things that fit their new homes when they return to the states. The deals can be tremendous too, especially for those who advertise in the paper “FINAL PCS SALE-EVERYTHING MUST GO!” In other words, “we have to get rid of this even if we have to give it away because we fly out on the plane tomorrow.”
Today, I am going to get some much needed replacement dive gear for stuff that is plain worn out since I bought it 12+ years ago. I am so glad to not have to go online and wait for 10 minutes while each page on our antiquated dial-up internet system (this is not the kind of antique I love by the way) loads up, and I look for the items I need, then hope and pray that it will be the right size, type, and exactly what I was looking for. Some things are just better seen, tried on, and bought in person. Clothes and shoes for one, particularly swimsuits and undergarments, are better when you try them on first, but even things like bike parts, curtains, snorkels and masks have proved problematic for my friends and me in the past to order online, so that’s where Patio Sales come in.
We don’t have garages out here, except for the Commander’s house, but his is really more of a carport. The families have patios instead of carports or garages, so it’s become one of our many “Kwajisms” to refer to a garage sale as a patio sale. It took me a long time to not call it a garage sale, and it’s still hard to explain to a child who has grown up out here and never been to the states what a garage is when it comes up on his phonics paper at school. It also took me a long time to learn all the military acronyms (like PCS) used on a base, even as a civilian. In fact, just today I learned a new one; imagine that, a new acronym after 13 years on the same base. It’s not new really, just new to me. Well, I guess the saying is true that you learn something new every day. It may not be the most exciting thing you’ve ever learned, but at least you are learning, right? Well, I’m off to the patio sale, maybe I’ll find something I never knew I needed and just have to have. :)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
August 19, 2010-Sand Island Clam Diving
Surprise, surprise, another vacation day spent diving on the atoll. Today, we took out a friend who was celebrating her 300th dive. We decided to go check on our calms at Sand Island. I call them our clams because not so long ago, we rescued them from sure death. Let me explain. In 2008, there was an unusual storm surge on the island of Roi-Namur with high waves and winds that actually flooded parts of the island and knocked the few old metal trailers used for vacationers and a few lucky residents off their concrete blocks. These types of storm surges almost never happen in the Marshalls because we are so close to the equator. Storms may form here, but head on out and hit places like Guam or Japan instead, and that’s good for us, because being only a few feet above sea level and so small and isolated, a real storm would effectively wipe us out entirely with no place for residents to go and hide!
Anyway, because of that storm, we noticed that the sands underneath the small patch of exposed land we called Sand Island were shifting, and our clams were right in the path to be buried in this sand. We couldn’t let that happen, so my boyfriend came up with the item to move them to a safer spot near by, but Giant Calms are heavy, and even underwater cannot be picked up and moved easily, so my dive buddy solved this problem by creating a “Clam Spreader,” which is really more like a calm stretcher attached to lift bags to help wrap the calm and keep him safe during the movement as well as give the divers the strength to perform this operation. The actual move of 2 clams on two different dives was a success, and we were curious to go check on the calms and see how they were doing.
Now, these are not just any clams, they are Giant Clams! They are the largest bottom dwelling mollusks on earth, and they reach to 4 or more feet in length and weigh in at 500+ pounds. They can live to over 100 years old, and they are found in the Pacific and Indian Oceans. Usually, it would be impossible for us to move them away from danger because they attach to the reef and stay there for the rest of their lives, but the two clams we moved were resting freely in the sand, maybe they were even knocked off one of the coral heads nearby during the storm surge, but that we don’t know for sure.
Today, on purely a sight seeing mission, we descended near the anchor line down to about 30 feet and discovered a clam we hadn’t seen yet. It was well hidden among a colorful nest of coral, and it was absolutely beautiful. There are at least 3-4 large ones that we regularly see when we dive Sand Island, but today, I noticed the increasing number of little, tiny baby clams getting their start, and this makes me smile to see such health on the reef and to know that the population of clams is continuing to grow. There are also a lot of friendly and fascinating fish and types of coral to see in this location, but the clams are the highlight, and I never get tired of visiting them and seeing them flourish under the sea.
Anyway, because of that storm, we noticed that the sands underneath the small patch of exposed land we called Sand Island were shifting, and our clams were right in the path to be buried in this sand. We couldn’t let that happen, so my boyfriend came up with the item to move them to a safer spot near by, but Giant Calms are heavy, and even underwater cannot be picked up and moved easily, so my dive buddy solved this problem by creating a “Clam Spreader,” which is really more like a calm stretcher attached to lift bags to help wrap the calm and keep him safe during the movement as well as give the divers the strength to perform this operation. The actual move of 2 clams on two different dives was a success, and we were curious to go check on the calms and see how they were doing.
Now, these are not just any clams, they are Giant Clams! They are the largest bottom dwelling mollusks on earth, and they reach to 4 or more feet in length and weigh in at 500+ pounds. They can live to over 100 years old, and they are found in the Pacific and Indian Oceans. Usually, it would be impossible for us to move them away from danger because they attach to the reef and stay there for the rest of their lives, but the two clams we moved were resting freely in the sand, maybe they were even knocked off one of the coral heads nearby during the storm surge, but that we don’t know for sure.
Today, on purely a sight seeing mission, we descended near the anchor line down to about 30 feet and discovered a clam we hadn’t seen yet. It was well hidden among a colorful nest of coral, and it was absolutely beautiful. There are at least 3-4 large ones that we regularly see when we dive Sand Island, but today, I noticed the increasing number of little, tiny baby clams getting their start, and this makes me smile to see such health on the reef and to know that the population of clams is continuing to grow. There are also a lot of friendly and fascinating fish and types of coral to see in this location, but the clams are the highlight, and I never get tired of visiting them and seeing them flourish under the sea.
August 18, 2010- Broken Flip-Flops
Over the last 2 plus years, I have moved around a lot from job to job. This is mostly because of budget cuts within the company and government, but it is also in an effort to obtain a position that would rate housing for my boys and me. This is an elusive goal because just as the budget is being cut, so are housing positions. They are harder and harder to come by. Every time I think I’ve tried all I can to move into a position to provide better for my children, I discover another potential opportunity, and I go for it, only to be shot down over and over again. It’s probably kind of like those looking for employment in the states right now with the economy so bad, one rejection letter after another, so to speak. Today, I was making a rather discouraging comment to my boyfriend about not wanting to put myself through the rejection phase anymore, and he said, “then don’t,” and my immediate gut reaction was, “well, that’s not going to happen. I have to keep trying, for my kids and for us.” I was surprised that there was absolutely no hesitation for me in that decision. How could I ever stop trying to make life better and easier for those I love most? Love is such a powerful force and motivator. So, here I am, waiting it out once again, seeing what God has in store for me tomorrow and praying He’ll be able to sustain me until the time comes for change.
Putting it all in perspective, it’s not such a bad place to wait it out. I mean, the major difference between living on an island and living in the states is that time is on your side. Everything runs on island time, and there’s plenty of it: time to reflect on life, time to enjoy life, time to wait at the store for your groceries, although that wait is nothing compared to wait time in the states for almost anything. I have more time than usual right now due to summer break at school, and I do wonder how I will have time to keep up this journal every day when life really kicks back in for me next week with work duties, child care responsibilities, and extra curricular activities, but honestly, on a daily basis, we have a “Jimmy Buffett” type lifestyle on the atoll.
One of our biggest troubles is blowing out a flip flop, to which my typical ribbing question is, of course, “did you step on a pop top?” In fact, a friend of mine blew one out just the other day, and she was cruising around with two different shoes, one borrowed from a kind friend who was walking around without one at all. Even the kids at school suffer from this quite often. I’ve had many a child come up to me on the playground with an awkward high step walk from trying to hold their flip-flop on and telling me, “My shoe broke.” Several parents have been called to run home and get another pair of shoes for their child because it’s only a short bike ride home and over to the school. I’ve done it myself for my son, in fact. Tough life, huh? Life on an island is truly a dream, most days. While sailing recently, I mentioned to a friend who was lounging on the deck of the ship resting her eyes, how difficult we had it as I sat in my “Princess” chair behind the wheel and out of the way of the crew’s work. She agreed, sarcastically, of course.
I see my boys every day before and after school in my classroom and at least every other weekend when I get to take them snorkeling, fishing, and camping on Roi, and I am able to be there for every school and sporting event due to my work schedule, which is the same as their school schedule, and I am able to save money for their futures without having to worry about the bills I’d have in the states with a house, car, etc...so if one of the worse problems I can think of is “blowing out a flip-flop,” life is pretty good. Yes, I’ll still try for “the American dream” of a home with my kids on this wonderful island, but I’ll take this life for awhile longer rather than the hardships of bills, lack of employment opportunities, traffic, and crime ever present stateside. In fact, last night, I soothed my “blown out flip flop” worries with a “cheeseburger in paradise.” My boyfriend made us some Swiss mushroom “Bubba Burgers” with an extra dose of delicious fat, like the old style burgers used to always contain. Might as well enjoy the atoll while I can because you never know what tomorrow will hold.
Putting it all in perspective, it’s not such a bad place to wait it out. I mean, the major difference between living on an island and living in the states is that time is on your side. Everything runs on island time, and there’s plenty of it: time to reflect on life, time to enjoy life, time to wait at the store for your groceries, although that wait is nothing compared to wait time in the states for almost anything. I have more time than usual right now due to summer break at school, and I do wonder how I will have time to keep up this journal every day when life really kicks back in for me next week with work duties, child care responsibilities, and extra curricular activities, but honestly, on a daily basis, we have a “Jimmy Buffett” type lifestyle on the atoll.
One of our biggest troubles is blowing out a flip flop, to which my typical ribbing question is, of course, “did you step on a pop top?” In fact, a friend of mine blew one out just the other day, and she was cruising around with two different shoes, one borrowed from a kind friend who was walking around without one at all. Even the kids at school suffer from this quite often. I’ve had many a child come up to me on the playground with an awkward high step walk from trying to hold their flip-flop on and telling me, “My shoe broke.” Several parents have been called to run home and get another pair of shoes for their child because it’s only a short bike ride home and over to the school. I’ve done it myself for my son, in fact. Tough life, huh? Life on an island is truly a dream, most days. While sailing recently, I mentioned to a friend who was lounging on the deck of the ship resting her eyes, how difficult we had it as I sat in my “Princess” chair behind the wheel and out of the way of the crew’s work. She agreed, sarcastically, of course.
I see my boys every day before and after school in my classroom and at least every other weekend when I get to take them snorkeling, fishing, and camping on Roi, and I am able to be there for every school and sporting event due to my work schedule, which is the same as their school schedule, and I am able to save money for their futures without having to worry about the bills I’d have in the states with a house, car, etc...so if one of the worse problems I can think of is “blowing out a flip-flop,” life is pretty good. Yes, I’ll still try for “the American dream” of a home with my kids on this wonderful island, but I’ll take this life for awhile longer rather than the hardships of bills, lack of employment opportunities, traffic, and crime ever present stateside. In fact, last night, I soothed my “blown out flip flop” worries with a “cheeseburger in paradise.” My boyfriend made us some Swiss mushroom “Bubba Burgers” with an extra dose of delicious fat, like the old style burgers used to always contain. Might as well enjoy the atoll while I can because you never know what tomorrow will hold.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
August 17, 2010-Chocolate, Sunshine, and Laughter
What is it about a warm, plush blanket or a yummy brownie and a glass of milk that instantly makes one feel warm and fuzzy from the inside out? To each his own, I guess, but when I am feeling blue, a couple of hours in the warm sunshine with a fascinating read or an afternoon with a cup of hot chocolate and a fun romantic comedy on the movie channel lifts the clouds and puts a smile back on my face. Sometimes, of course, only a hearty cry and a chat with a close friend, brings me back to myself, but the power of chocolate, sunshine, and a good laugh is amazing.
Today, I am missing my children. I called to talk to them and hung up the phone to a pool of tears forming in my eyes. It hit me that fast and hard. My life would not be the same or as full without them. These are the times I look for my warm, plush blanket and maybe a sweet treat to put the spring back in my step, although it’s not always that simple, and I’d added many methods to my repertoire over the years for chasing the blues away.
When I first arrived on the atoll back in 1997, I used to spend my afternoons at the pool soaking up rays, reading books, writing poetry, swimming laps, and just relaxing. This was how I cleared my mind and kept myself from becoming too homesick. Over the years, I’ve learned that there’s more than one way to get my mind off life’s challenges, such as scrap booking, basket weaving, hula dancing, yoga, and scuba diving. These are all activities which require very focused attention and a one-track mind, so to speak, which means I put all my thoughts and energy into what I am doing at that very moment and am able to relax my mind from worries or other negative thoughts that disrupt peace in my heart and mind.
Lately, I have gone back to writing as my outlet of choice. I’ve discovered that when I write out my thoughts, my troubles, my worries, for some reason it’s like “setting the truth free,” and when it’s all out in the open, especially in the tangible, permanent way that blogging to the public about my life is, there’s no longer any worries to plague me. If I am not afraid to reveal my greatest fears and challenges in life to everyone, then they can’t keep me entrapped anymore.
I think that’s why women in particular feel the need to talk things out so much because when you tell someone else how you are feeling, you find out it’s normal to feel that way and even if it’s a legitimate worry, your friend puts it in perspective and lets you know that it’s something you can’t control anyway. Writing it out is truly a form of therapy for me like chocolate, sunshine, and laughter is a prescription from many doctors to help with sickness and disease. Writing keeps the grip of depression, fear, and worry from taking hold of me and making me physically and mentally sick. This also goes for yoga, swimming, and all those other wonderful activities the island life has provided me with over the years to keep me sane. What’s your favorite form of therapy? Keep it in mind the next time you need a mental or emotional lift. For me today, it’s absorbing the sunshine with a long morning walk and distracting my mind from the sorrow of missing my boys by allowing myself to become absorbed in a good movie. Break out the popcorn and the brownies! I’m ready for some comfort food and a good laugh.
Today, I am missing my children. I called to talk to them and hung up the phone to a pool of tears forming in my eyes. It hit me that fast and hard. My life would not be the same or as full without them. These are the times I look for my warm, plush blanket and maybe a sweet treat to put the spring back in my step, although it’s not always that simple, and I’d added many methods to my repertoire over the years for chasing the blues away.
When I first arrived on the atoll back in 1997, I used to spend my afternoons at the pool soaking up rays, reading books, writing poetry, swimming laps, and just relaxing. This was how I cleared my mind and kept myself from becoming too homesick. Over the years, I’ve learned that there’s more than one way to get my mind off life’s challenges, such as scrap booking, basket weaving, hula dancing, yoga, and scuba diving. These are all activities which require very focused attention and a one-track mind, so to speak, which means I put all my thoughts and energy into what I am doing at that very moment and am able to relax my mind from worries or other negative thoughts that disrupt peace in my heart and mind.
Lately, I have gone back to writing as my outlet of choice. I’ve discovered that when I write out my thoughts, my troubles, my worries, for some reason it’s like “setting the truth free,” and when it’s all out in the open, especially in the tangible, permanent way that blogging to the public about my life is, there’s no longer any worries to plague me. If I am not afraid to reveal my greatest fears and challenges in life to everyone, then they can’t keep me entrapped anymore.
I think that’s why women in particular feel the need to talk things out so much because when you tell someone else how you are feeling, you find out it’s normal to feel that way and even if it’s a legitimate worry, your friend puts it in perspective and lets you know that it’s something you can’t control anyway. Writing it out is truly a form of therapy for me like chocolate, sunshine, and laughter is a prescription from many doctors to help with sickness and disease. Writing keeps the grip of depression, fear, and worry from taking hold of me and making me physically and mentally sick. This also goes for yoga, swimming, and all those other wonderful activities the island life has provided me with over the years to keep me sane. What’s your favorite form of therapy? Keep it in mind the next time you need a mental or emotional lift. For me today, it’s absorbing the sunshine with a long morning walk and distracting my mind from the sorrow of missing my boys by allowing myself to become absorbed in a good movie. Break out the popcorn and the brownies! I’m ready for some comfort food and a good laugh.
Monday, August 16, 2010
August 16, 2010- Saving the World with the Big Three Plus One
Only 8 days until it’s back to work for me, and 10 days until it’s back to school for all the kids in the Kwajalein School system. As much as I love my job (and I really do; it’s honestly a perfect fit for me), and as much as I can’t wait to see my children when they arrive back on Saturday, I am also in love with Roi and with the life I’ve had here with my sweetheart for the last few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time on Roi-Namur over the past 2 ½ years, and I really think if I could live on Roi and work at the public school on Enniburr (Third Island), I would do it in a heartbeat, but that’s not something I can do at this point in my life. I have my boys to care for and responsibilities and a life on Kwajalein I need to get back to.
I think the biggest struggle in my heart and mind right now is the thought of having to go back to the gypsy lifestyle I have lived since my divorce. I love having a normal, stable life and home to spend my off times in like we’ve had on vacation and in the islands the last 2 plus months, and a home for me on Kwajalein with my boys and sweetheart is just not something that has come to pass for me. It’s not in the cards, so to speak. And that’s okay; I believe there’s a reason for that, and I have faith that God is in control, but it doesn’t make it any easier to actually live this way.
I realize compared to so many others I have it pretty easy. Life could be so much tougher. I could be jobless, homeless, or on my deathbed, but I’m not, and I’m thankful for that. I really am. I am blessed in so many ways that others are not, so I continue on, normal lifestyle or not. I do what I can to ensure the best for my kids and to ensure healthy, happy relationships with my loved ones here and in the states. And that’s all I can do, right? Life is the real deal, not the movies with the fairy tale endings. I have to say, though, that movies have come into their own reality the last couple of decades. There’s a lot more dark comedies and harsh realism in the movies than there used to be or at least that I was attuned to in my former life.
I’ve watched a few more movies than normal these last few weeks on Roi, and more than not have been unusually depressing, ending with little hope and even less evidence of faith in anything. Tonight, we watched “Defendor” with Woody Harrelson, and it was full of reality and certainly did not have a happy, fairy tale ending, but it did have the big three plus one: faith, hope, love, and truth. And isn’t that what the world needs and operates best on in the end?
I get very into movies, and I show emotions easily. I used to think too easily, but I’ve come to accept that about myself and love it. I am proud to wear my heart on my sleeve because it reveals my honesty and my genuine nature, and it is who I am. I am fully myself with most everyone I meet, and this takes a lot of pressure off of me. I don’t have to hide or keep secrets or try to impress. You either like me and get me or you don’t. And either way, that’s okay. Just like the character of “Defendor” in the movie. Although simple-minded, “Defendor” only wants to help, to make a difference. He did this through becoming a “super hero” of sorts, and it gave his life purpose and meaning, and he gave others hope.
I think sometimes we analyze life and our actions too much. We worry too much about what others think and live in fear about everything, really. We think too much and then are afraid to take those risks that make the most difference to those around us. All I want to do is make a difference, like “Defendor.” I want to be a good mom to my kids and make a difference in their lives. I want to be a good companion and friend to my sweetheart and to my best friends and know that I was there for them when they most needed it. I want to be a supportive daughter and helpful member of my family back in the states. I want to do my job to the best of my ability and give back to the community through my volunteer work. I want to represent truth, faith, hope and love in all I do, and of course, I’m not perfect, but I want to at least know that I’ve done my best, and that I helped those closest to me, and even a perfect stranger, if I could.
I remember a time when I was working in the mall at a gift shop back in college, and I had been helping customers all afternoon as usual. There was nothing extraordinary or different to me about the day or the customers until I left out of the store on my break. As I was leaving, a man I had helped earlier came up to me with a card from the Hallmark store down the way. He told me I gave him hope because of my smile. His card said essentially the same thing, thanking me for treating him with kindness and for my beautiful smile. And that was it. I never saw or heard from him again. Whatever was going on with that man, he had clearly been having a hard time or a bad day, and a simple smile made a difference. So, you never know what little action or words you might provide that give someone hope or make their day a little easier. It may be something very easy like taking the time to listen to a co-worker who’s frustrated with something they’ve been dealing with or providing a hug or a chocolate from your candy jar at work to a friend who seems to be having a bad day. It’s those few extra minutes or thoughtful gestures that can change lives in small, but important ways.
I believe it goes the other way too. We can easily ruin someone’s day by allowing a negative attitude or our own stressors in life to spew out on a co-worker, family member or friend. A snappy response or maybe even being completely in your own world and ignoring someone you usually stop and talk to can make someone feel yucky and wonder if they’ve done something to offend you. Being considerate of others and thinking of others first is really becoming a lost art. I’d like to start reclaiming that. My boyfriend’s family is one that has taught me a lot about respect and consideration for others. They’ve held onto tightly to those values in their family when so many others have lost them or simply let them slip away. It’s a character trait that sets their family apart from many of the families I interact with today as a parent and teacher.
Personally, I hope to become better at practicing those values this year by minimizing negative self-centered types of interactions and concentrating on what I can do and be for others, providing hope, love, and encouragement instead of spreading unkind words, gossip, or other negative attitudes. It’s easy to get caught up in your own world and problems in life, but in the end, it doesn’t bring you peace, and I choose peace over anything else, which I believe comes through a life focused on love, faith, hope, and truth not fear, image, self, and tearing down others. So, I say “You go Defendor!” Let’s save those we can and become superheroes, even if it is only in our own small worlds.
I think the biggest struggle in my heart and mind right now is the thought of having to go back to the gypsy lifestyle I have lived since my divorce. I love having a normal, stable life and home to spend my off times in like we’ve had on vacation and in the islands the last 2 plus months, and a home for me on Kwajalein with my boys and sweetheart is just not something that has come to pass for me. It’s not in the cards, so to speak. And that’s okay; I believe there’s a reason for that, and I have faith that God is in control, but it doesn’t make it any easier to actually live this way.
I realize compared to so many others I have it pretty easy. Life could be so much tougher. I could be jobless, homeless, or on my deathbed, but I’m not, and I’m thankful for that. I really am. I am blessed in so many ways that others are not, so I continue on, normal lifestyle or not. I do what I can to ensure the best for my kids and to ensure healthy, happy relationships with my loved ones here and in the states. And that’s all I can do, right? Life is the real deal, not the movies with the fairy tale endings. I have to say, though, that movies have come into their own reality the last couple of decades. There’s a lot more dark comedies and harsh realism in the movies than there used to be or at least that I was attuned to in my former life.
I’ve watched a few more movies than normal these last few weeks on Roi, and more than not have been unusually depressing, ending with little hope and even less evidence of faith in anything. Tonight, we watched “Defendor” with Woody Harrelson, and it was full of reality and certainly did not have a happy, fairy tale ending, but it did have the big three plus one: faith, hope, love, and truth. And isn’t that what the world needs and operates best on in the end?
I get very into movies, and I show emotions easily. I used to think too easily, but I’ve come to accept that about myself and love it. I am proud to wear my heart on my sleeve because it reveals my honesty and my genuine nature, and it is who I am. I am fully myself with most everyone I meet, and this takes a lot of pressure off of me. I don’t have to hide or keep secrets or try to impress. You either like me and get me or you don’t. And either way, that’s okay. Just like the character of “Defendor” in the movie. Although simple-minded, “Defendor” only wants to help, to make a difference. He did this through becoming a “super hero” of sorts, and it gave his life purpose and meaning, and he gave others hope.
I think sometimes we analyze life and our actions too much. We worry too much about what others think and live in fear about everything, really. We think too much and then are afraid to take those risks that make the most difference to those around us. All I want to do is make a difference, like “Defendor.” I want to be a good mom to my kids and make a difference in their lives. I want to be a good companion and friend to my sweetheart and to my best friends and know that I was there for them when they most needed it. I want to be a supportive daughter and helpful member of my family back in the states. I want to do my job to the best of my ability and give back to the community through my volunteer work. I want to represent truth, faith, hope and love in all I do, and of course, I’m not perfect, but I want to at least know that I’ve done my best, and that I helped those closest to me, and even a perfect stranger, if I could.
I remember a time when I was working in the mall at a gift shop back in college, and I had been helping customers all afternoon as usual. There was nothing extraordinary or different to me about the day or the customers until I left out of the store on my break. As I was leaving, a man I had helped earlier came up to me with a card from the Hallmark store down the way. He told me I gave him hope because of my smile. His card said essentially the same thing, thanking me for treating him with kindness and for my beautiful smile. And that was it. I never saw or heard from him again. Whatever was going on with that man, he had clearly been having a hard time or a bad day, and a simple smile made a difference. So, you never know what little action or words you might provide that give someone hope or make their day a little easier. It may be something very easy like taking the time to listen to a co-worker who’s frustrated with something they’ve been dealing with or providing a hug or a chocolate from your candy jar at work to a friend who seems to be having a bad day. It’s those few extra minutes or thoughtful gestures that can change lives in small, but important ways.
I believe it goes the other way too. We can easily ruin someone’s day by allowing a negative attitude or our own stressors in life to spew out on a co-worker, family member or friend. A snappy response or maybe even being completely in your own world and ignoring someone you usually stop and talk to can make someone feel yucky and wonder if they’ve done something to offend you. Being considerate of others and thinking of others first is really becoming a lost art. I’d like to start reclaiming that. My boyfriend’s family is one that has taught me a lot about respect and consideration for others. They’ve held onto tightly to those values in their family when so many others have lost them or simply let them slip away. It’s a character trait that sets their family apart from many of the families I interact with today as a parent and teacher.
Personally, I hope to become better at practicing those values this year by minimizing negative self-centered types of interactions and concentrating on what I can do and be for others, providing hope, love, and encouragement instead of spreading unkind words, gossip, or other negative attitudes. It’s easy to get caught up in your own world and problems in life, but in the end, it doesn’t bring you peace, and I choose peace over anything else, which I believe comes through a life focused on love, faith, hope, and truth not fear, image, self, and tearing down others. So, I say “You go Defendor!” Let’s save those we can and become superheroes, even if it is only in our own small worlds.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
August 15, 2010 Snorkeling Fun
Well, it was just another beautiful day in the crystal clear Pacific waters around Roi-Namur. Today we took some new divers out to 6th island, a favorite spot for snorkeling and boat floats for residents due to its sheltered location and shallow waters dotted with small coral heads. I stayed up top this time with my friend’s youngest child, who is not yet old enough to dive, and we had a great time snorkeling the water and checking out the fish for a good hour. Right off the bat, we saw a 3-4 foot white tip reef shark patrolling one of the larger coral heads, and later on ran into a school of parrot fish. This is another of those things that is hard to beat anywhere else in the world, without needing the skills and expense of dive classes and gear, a snorkeler can see and enjoy so much in these waters, better than any of those walk through glass aquariums, mainly because we see the fish in their natural habitat, although I do still enjoy a good aquarium. :) I can’t wait for my own 2 boys to get back home, so I can take them to the very same spot for an afternoon snorkel adventure.
When the divers in our group returned, my boyfriend brought up a Pin Cushion Sea Star from the bottom to show everyone. The Pin Cushion Sea Star is from the seastar family, and it looks like a round hard coral, but when touched, it’s has a softer, slimier texture than expected. It’s in the shape of a small pillow or pin cushion (hence its name), and on the bottom, you can see the 5 points of a starfish as if they were drawn on the “pillow” in dark, thin lines. Some of them come more in the shape of traditional 5 pointed starfish, but the ones I’ve seen most out here are fully rounded. They are a thick-bodied version of the usual harder shelled star fish most people are familiar with. I like to think of them as “husky starfish.” The healthy coral reefs out here give these guys plenty to eat, so they are just plumped up versions of our skinnier friends in less nutrient rich ocean environments. It may just be a different species than the ones I’ve been able to find during my internet research, but it’s more fun to think of them as “husky.”
Overall, it was a wonderful day for snorkeling. The waters were calm, the sky was blue and filled with those cotton ball clouds I love to see, and it was spent in good company, both human and the animals of the sea. I look forward to the adventures that tomorrow holds. Until then, Bar Loe Eok (That’s Marshallese for see you later)!
When the divers in our group returned, my boyfriend brought up a Pin Cushion Sea Star from the bottom to show everyone. The Pin Cushion Sea Star is from the seastar family, and it looks like a round hard coral, but when touched, it’s has a softer, slimier texture than expected. It’s in the shape of a small pillow or pin cushion (hence its name), and on the bottom, you can see the 5 points of a starfish as if they were drawn on the “pillow” in dark, thin lines. Some of them come more in the shape of traditional 5 pointed starfish, but the ones I’ve seen most out here are fully rounded. They are a thick-bodied version of the usual harder shelled star fish most people are familiar with. I like to think of them as “husky starfish.” The healthy coral reefs out here give these guys plenty to eat, so they are just plumped up versions of our skinnier friends in less nutrient rich ocean environments. It may just be a different species than the ones I’ve been able to find during my internet research, but it’s more fun to think of them as “husky.”
Overall, it was a wonderful day for snorkeling. The waters were calm, the sky was blue and filled with those cotton ball clouds I love to see, and it was spent in good company, both human and the animals of the sea. I look forward to the adventures that tomorrow holds. Until then, Bar Loe Eok (That’s Marshallese for see you later)!
August 14, 2010-Sunset on the Atoll
The one other thing I remembered today that former Kwajalein residents say they miss when they leave is the sunsets. Many people have regularly scheduled evenings where they head down to Emon Beach to have a glass a wine and watch the sunset from their beach chairs. Often, when I take a walk or run around the perimeter or the island, I see residents, TDY (temporary duty) personnel, and/or visitors sitting on the benches placed strategically around the coastal areas enjoying the view at dusk. It is a beautiful sight and a truly unique place to live, and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to experience it all these years. I never could have imagined this life for myself, and certainly never thought I’d still be here 13 years after stepping off that plane into the strong trade winds and wave of heat brushing across my cheeks. In many ways my childhood ended here and my adult life began, and I’ve experienced a number of wonderful events as well as growing pains while maturing as an adult on this atoll.
Because of our isolation and lack of many of the luxuries of life in the states, it becomes also a hobby for some or at least a bad habit to focus on the negatives of life here. Many an afternoon in the store, I’ve heard these words, “Of course they don’t have (pick any random grocery story item) to make the dish I planned for tonight. How hard is it to keep (various items that are periodically out of stock) on the shelves?” Or change it to, “I can’t even fix my bike because they don’t have the parts I need.” Or, most recently, “I can’t go fishing or diving this weekend because we are not allowed to go ocean side due to some problem with the SAR (search and rescue) boat.”
These kinds of quality of life problems seem petty when you live stateside. The stores have so much stuff in the U.S., and it’s hard for a Kwajalein resident to even choose a cereal or brand of yogurt because there are so many choices that we don’t have available to us in the islands. There’s basically one brand of each product on the shelves in the one grocery store on island, which more times than not, doesn’t even have what you went there to purchase. In fact, those who cook regularly here have learned how to be creative and supplement or substitute one ingredient for another. For us, it’s not petty, and it becomes a very big deal, for some more than others. The problem I find personally with allowing myself to get caught up in the habit of focusing on the negatives is that is ruins the good things about living here too because all you can think about is what you don’t have instead of focusing on the positives of what you do have.
That’s one of the good things about living here so long, that I have found I don’t actually “need” all those missing items that once were so important. I admit, it’s difficult to come back from a long vacation like the 6 week one we just finished and adjust again to the “not haves” when you just want to go to the store and pick out some good, fresh produce for a salad or a ripe watermelon to picnic with your friends at the beach. It’s hard to come back to a tiny bachelor quarters dorm room with no kitchen to speak of and no place for family and friends to visit. But, you have to look at what you do have, no bills to speak of, three meals a day provided as part of your contract at the chow hall, and more importantly, a magnificent ocean to explore and play in, a group of family like friends who will do anything for you and are always just around the corner when you need them, a safe environment where you can literally leave your wallet on the bar or boxes of mail and purchases from the store in your bike burley and not worry about anyone taking them, and fantastic sunsets almost every night just a short walk or bike ride from your door. Thirteen years on an atoll is not such a bad place to go through the ups and downs of life.
In fact, I’m lucky to still be here while others only wish they could move back out like the man we met at a water park in Alabama this summer who graduated from high school out here, met his wife, and had his first child on the atoll and couldn’t stop asking questions about it and expressing his interest in coming back out if he could. Pretty lucky alright, to get a chance to dive all the wrecks from the war that most divers never have access to due to the secure nature of the bases here, and to raise my boys their first few years of life without having to worry about them being kidnapped or run over by a car in the street or any number of other dangerous things that parents have to watch out for in the states.
These are the things that I have to remember on those days when the negatives appear to outweigh the positives. Making the most of where you are at, being content in all circumstances, and remembering it’s all a matter of perspective helps a lot. The one thing I do have control over is what this place, this atoll, will be and mean for me when I look back at my time here. I choose whether or not I’m going to enjoy the day no matter what and make memories that I will cherish by focusing on the good things about life on the atoll. Some days that may mean taking the time to go see the sunset or making it a personal challenge to create a new dish out of what’s available at the store, or just spending some time reflecting upon why I chose to move here and stay so long in the first place and put in all in perspective.
Because of our isolation and lack of many of the luxuries of life in the states, it becomes also a hobby for some or at least a bad habit to focus on the negatives of life here. Many an afternoon in the store, I’ve heard these words, “Of course they don’t have (pick any random grocery story item) to make the dish I planned for tonight. How hard is it to keep (various items that are periodically out of stock) on the shelves?” Or change it to, “I can’t even fix my bike because they don’t have the parts I need.” Or, most recently, “I can’t go fishing or diving this weekend because we are not allowed to go ocean side due to some problem with the SAR (search and rescue) boat.”
These kinds of quality of life problems seem petty when you live stateside. The stores have so much stuff in the U.S., and it’s hard for a Kwajalein resident to even choose a cereal or brand of yogurt because there are so many choices that we don’t have available to us in the islands. There’s basically one brand of each product on the shelves in the one grocery store on island, which more times than not, doesn’t even have what you went there to purchase. In fact, those who cook regularly here have learned how to be creative and supplement or substitute one ingredient for another. For us, it’s not petty, and it becomes a very big deal, for some more than others. The problem I find personally with allowing myself to get caught up in the habit of focusing on the negatives is that is ruins the good things about living here too because all you can think about is what you don’t have instead of focusing on the positives of what you do have.
That’s one of the good things about living here so long, that I have found I don’t actually “need” all those missing items that once were so important. I admit, it’s difficult to come back from a long vacation like the 6 week one we just finished and adjust again to the “not haves” when you just want to go to the store and pick out some good, fresh produce for a salad or a ripe watermelon to picnic with your friends at the beach. It’s hard to come back to a tiny bachelor quarters dorm room with no kitchen to speak of and no place for family and friends to visit. But, you have to look at what you do have, no bills to speak of, three meals a day provided as part of your contract at the chow hall, and more importantly, a magnificent ocean to explore and play in, a group of family like friends who will do anything for you and are always just around the corner when you need them, a safe environment where you can literally leave your wallet on the bar or boxes of mail and purchases from the store in your bike burley and not worry about anyone taking them, and fantastic sunsets almost every night just a short walk or bike ride from your door. Thirteen years on an atoll is not such a bad place to go through the ups and downs of life.
In fact, I’m lucky to still be here while others only wish they could move back out like the man we met at a water park in Alabama this summer who graduated from high school out here, met his wife, and had his first child on the atoll and couldn’t stop asking questions about it and expressing his interest in coming back out if he could. Pretty lucky alright, to get a chance to dive all the wrecks from the war that most divers never have access to due to the secure nature of the bases here, and to raise my boys their first few years of life without having to worry about them being kidnapped or run over by a car in the street or any number of other dangerous things that parents have to watch out for in the states.
These are the things that I have to remember on those days when the negatives appear to outweigh the positives. Making the most of where you are at, being content in all circumstances, and remembering it’s all a matter of perspective helps a lot. The one thing I do have control over is what this place, this atoll, will be and mean for me when I look back at my time here. I choose whether or not I’m going to enjoy the day no matter what and make memories that I will cherish by focusing on the good things about life on the atoll. Some days that may mean taking the time to go see the sunset or making it a personal challenge to create a new dish out of what’s available at the store, or just spending some time reflecting upon why I chose to move here and stay so long in the first place and put in all in perspective.
Friday, August 13, 2010
August 13, 2010-Lost Tank Adventure, Take 2
Remember how I said we were not going to give up on finding that tank? Well, today we headed out into the deep blue sea once again on a mission to find that tank. We marked our spot from yesterday on the GPS and based on our underwater observations from that dive, my astute dive partner suggested we try to anchor on the coral head we found less than 100 feet from our first dive spot. Luckily, one of our anchors appeared to hook right on that coral head on the first toss.
As we headed down into the same murky dark blue water, I felt a tinge of nervous energy, just as I always do when I can’t yet see what’s below and around me. When our ears were appropriately cleared, and we reached our searching depth, I looked to my partner for instructions. We set our compasses and took off. Being a bit rusty at my underwater navigation skills, I kept bumping into my dive buddy and was having a hard time focusing on the task at hand. Then, right as frustration at my own lack of skills was setting in, I heard my buddy yell through his regulator and take off across and in front of me heading toward the bottom and pointing. Amazingly, he had found the tank and only about 50 kicks and 110 feet deep from where we anchored and headed down into the water.
Getting it up was another chore as I don’t think either of us really believed we’d find it that quickly or easily, so we hadn’t really planned out fully what we would do if we did. Fortunately, my ever prepared dive buddy brought a lift bag down with us, and he simply tied that to the tank and the loose anchor rope, filled the bag with air from his regulator and let it all lift up to the surface while we watched safely from below. The tank didn’t travel up the rope as we both thought it would, but it all went to the top, and that’s all that matters. Next, my buddy untangled the second anchor from the coral it was hooked on at the bottom and then we carefully held on to the line and followed it back up to the surface.
I still can’t believe we found it!! On a day when there’s no milk or Bonine (sea-sickness medicine) at the store, it’s Friday the 13th, and I miss my kiddos like crazy, it’s good to have a mission and succeed at it, even if I am just the sidekick and not the hero. I’m looking forward to the next adventure, on land or on sea or wherever it may be.
As we headed down into the same murky dark blue water, I felt a tinge of nervous energy, just as I always do when I can’t yet see what’s below and around me. When our ears were appropriately cleared, and we reached our searching depth, I looked to my partner for instructions. We set our compasses and took off. Being a bit rusty at my underwater navigation skills, I kept bumping into my dive buddy and was having a hard time focusing on the task at hand. Then, right as frustration at my own lack of skills was setting in, I heard my buddy yell through his regulator and take off across and in front of me heading toward the bottom and pointing. Amazingly, he had found the tank and only about 50 kicks and 110 feet deep from where we anchored and headed down into the water.
Getting it up was another chore as I don’t think either of us really believed we’d find it that quickly or easily, so we hadn’t really planned out fully what we would do if we did. Fortunately, my ever prepared dive buddy brought a lift bag down with us, and he simply tied that to the tank and the loose anchor rope, filled the bag with air from his regulator and let it all lift up to the surface while we watched safely from below. The tank didn’t travel up the rope as we both thought it would, but it all went to the top, and that’s all that matters. Next, my buddy untangled the second anchor from the coral it was hooked on at the bottom and then we carefully held on to the line and followed it back up to the surface.
I still can’t believe we found it!! On a day when there’s no milk or Bonine (sea-sickness medicine) at the store, it’s Friday the 13th, and I miss my kiddos like crazy, it’s good to have a mission and succeed at it, even if I am just the sidekick and not the hero. I’m looking forward to the next adventure, on land or on sea or wherever it may be.
August 12, 2010-Lost Tank Adventure
Where else in the world can you get off work and go scuba diving or play 9 holes of golf, all before dinner at 6 pm? Okay, so maybe there’s a few places, but it’s probably more expensive and more time-consuming with driving to get there and back, etc...Yesterday, I flew down to Kwaj in the morning and flew back to Roi in time to catch up with my man for a dive. We were on a search and rescue mission, of sorts, to save a lost dive tank that rolled off the boat we were sailing on this weekend when we keeled to the right in the wind. How would we know where to look, well, we were fortunate enough to have a couple of hand held GPS’s on board, and my boyfriend quickly tagged the approximate area of the lost tank when we turned around to retrieve a BCD that had also taken a plunge into the water. We had no idea what might be down there, how deep it was going to be, or even if we’d be able to find the tank, but we were certainly going to attempt it. It could be a grand adventure; after all, you never know what you’ll find at the bottom of the sea!
After all the dive gear was packed on the boat, we set the GPS for our “Lost Tank” destination and took off. Once there, we tossed out the anchors, and the line kept going and going and going. Hmmmm, must be deep and probably a sandy bottom since we didn’t appear to hook any large heads of coral. Luckily, my savvy better half had brought an extra anchor; one of the original two on the boat looked a little beat up. He tied two together and let it out some more. I monitored the GPS to see if we were dragging anchors and drifting back. There was not a whole lot of chop or current, but we were steadily, but slowly moving away from the target, although not enough to abort the dive. We dove in to place the anchors in a more secure spot, if possible, and assess the situation.
Once underwater, it was fairly murky, especially for the waters out here. There were a lot of salps floating in the water on the way down and no bottom in sight. Salps are barrel-shaped jellyfish like organisms without the defense stinging adaptation. In this particular spot, the salps were floating all around us in little colonies, and they gave off a phosphorescence glow that really stood out in the dark blue water and drew my eyes to them as I descended. It felt like swimming in a deep blue outer space. As we slowly descended by the anchor lines, the bottom began to come into view, and it was as we suspected, mostly sandy and pretty deep, around 100 feet. There were a few pieces of coral (one of which the anchor had finally hooked on) and bottom growth and a few fish here and there, but not much else, which made our chances a little better for finding that lost tank.
We set out on our agreed upon search pattern finding little for most of the dive. Then, suddenly, something oddly man-made appeared through the silt in front of our masks. From the outline, I thought it was a small plane as there are lots from WWII in these waters, but as we moved closer, we saw it was a small LCM or “landing craft mechanized” unit used to transport troops and equipment to shore or a dock during the war. It was a smaller version of the ones we now use to transport the Marshallese workers back and forth from the base to their home island, and it was propped up from the back on a fairly large mound of coral. How exciting! We found something probably no one else knows about yet. No luck on the tank this dive, but we are not giving up yet! And the best part is, we got back from our dive just in time for dinner before the chow hall closed at 6:45, and then fit in a couple of games of pool at the bar before bedtime. Only on the atoll can you pack so much work and fun into one day!
After all the dive gear was packed on the boat, we set the GPS for our “Lost Tank” destination and took off. Once there, we tossed out the anchors, and the line kept going and going and going. Hmmmm, must be deep and probably a sandy bottom since we didn’t appear to hook any large heads of coral. Luckily, my savvy better half had brought an extra anchor; one of the original two on the boat looked a little beat up. He tied two together and let it out some more. I monitored the GPS to see if we were dragging anchors and drifting back. There was not a whole lot of chop or current, but we were steadily, but slowly moving away from the target, although not enough to abort the dive. We dove in to place the anchors in a more secure spot, if possible, and assess the situation.
Once underwater, it was fairly murky, especially for the waters out here. There were a lot of salps floating in the water on the way down and no bottom in sight. Salps are barrel-shaped jellyfish like organisms without the defense stinging adaptation. In this particular spot, the salps were floating all around us in little colonies, and they gave off a phosphorescence glow that really stood out in the dark blue water and drew my eyes to them as I descended. It felt like swimming in a deep blue outer space. As we slowly descended by the anchor lines, the bottom began to come into view, and it was as we suspected, mostly sandy and pretty deep, around 100 feet. There were a few pieces of coral (one of which the anchor had finally hooked on) and bottom growth and a few fish here and there, but not much else, which made our chances a little better for finding that lost tank.
We set out on our agreed upon search pattern finding little for most of the dive. Then, suddenly, something oddly man-made appeared through the silt in front of our masks. From the outline, I thought it was a small plane as there are lots from WWII in these waters, but as we moved closer, we saw it was a small LCM or “landing craft mechanized” unit used to transport troops and equipment to shore or a dock during the war. It was a smaller version of the ones we now use to transport the Marshallese workers back and forth from the base to their home island, and it was propped up from the back on a fairly large mound of coral. How exciting! We found something probably no one else knows about yet. No luck on the tank this dive, but we are not giving up yet! And the best part is, we got back from our dive just in time for dinner before the chow hall closed at 6:45, and then fit in a couple of games of pool at the bar before bedtime. Only on the atoll can you pack so much work and fun into one day!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
August 11, 2011-The Atoll’s Best Beaches
There are so many wonderful beaches in the world, but I maintain that the beaches of Kwajalein Atoll are some of the best to be discovered anywhere. My favorite spot to go on a weekend with my kids or alone on the island of Kwajalein is a little place called Coral Sands. I like it because unlike the most frequented Emon Beach, it is not man-made, and has a measure of privacy and more natural surroundings than the beaches closer into the suburban areas of the island. Going to Coral Sands is a bit of a ride, especially with the kids when you are dragging a bike burley that acts like a sail filled with all the important beach paraphernalia from a cooler with water and snacks to beach towels, sand toys, and boogie boards. The kids tend to be slower on their bikes because they are smaller and have to pedal a lot faster to keep up with an adult size bike, plus they love to stop and look at stuff along the way. In fact, on the way to Coral Sands, we usually stop at the Turtle Pond to say hi to our turtle friends and take a breather, and then head on to the beach, but that’s part of the appeal of that beach for me. It’s out of the way of the busier “downtown” area of the island, and just getting there is an adventure in itself. Even when I am on my own, I take my time riding to Coral Sands, and it gives me a chance to clear my head and gets me into a relaxing mindset for an afternoon at the beach.
Upon arriving, there’s a large pavilion with picnic tables, oversized charcoal grills, bathrooms, a water fountain, and a fresh water shower, so it has all the modern conveniences, but yet the beach itself is still very private with shady areas where the trees bend over the almost white sands made of finely crushed coral and the roots from the slightly forested areas hanging down above the beach make fun hiding places for kids or cozy spots for beach chairs for those who want to relax instead of play in the surf. The beach slopes down from the pavilion, and it is fairly open on one side, but the other side is covered in pine trees and their needles which blanket the ground, and there’s a sharp drop off from the trees to the beach that has to be carefully navigated if you want to enter from this area.
Once you get down to the beach, there’s a tree that has a rope swing where children or adults can climb up onto a large root system emerging from the sand, grab the rope as high up as they can, put their foot in a loop at the bottom and swing until it stops, and they hop off or as my boys like to do, swing until you get to the high tide, and jump off to splash into the water below. The other great thing about this beach is the area where you can simply walk up and down and find plenty of hermit and ghost crabs to dance with or catch if you are so inclined. There’s more life to be found at this beach because it is visited by fewer people, except on those occasions when there’s a campout, party or wedding reception, and big bonfires are built safely between the drop to the sloped beaches and the pavilion.
As much as I love Coral Sands Beach on Kwajalein, if given the option, I prefer the beach on Roi-Namur from the Parrot Head Club down to the end of the runway as my number one beach of choice on the atoll. This is a fairly long stretch of beach, but that’s the best part about it. I grew up vacationing on the long, flat beaches of Florida where you could walk for miles and still not see an end in sight, and that’s what I missed most upon first moving to the middle of the Pacific, but the water here is the most magnificent in the world, the clarity and varying shades of blue and green cannot be matched, so to put those two things together, the water and the length of beach to walk upon makes up my perfect beach experience.
Unlike the beaches in Florida, you can see the end of the beaches on Roi, and you can really only walk the entire length when the tide is at its lowest, but it’s enough of a walk to satisfy beach combers, and it’s a truly beautiful stretch of sand which curves around from the famous Parrot Head past several inviting beach shacks built and maintained by residents but open for public use, and finally curving back around the airport runway in a delicious little sandbar and stretch of coral you can walk out onto and often see sharks and other sea creatures basking in the shallows of the low tide. There are several palms and pine trees reaching out to touch the sand as you get closer to the turn at the end, and there’s also some remnants of days gone by where concrete structures of some sort of other, maybe from the days of the Japanese occupation in WWII, lay buried in the sand and now serve as homes for local crabs. One of them looks as if it would be a perfect “hot tub” of sorts if we could find a way to keep the water from leaking back out through the sand in the bottom of the concrete frame, and my boys love exploring it and using their imaginations to “build” things out of them each time we walk that part of the beach.
My favorite beaches consist of quaint little spots, unfrequented by human habitation where you can relax with only the sound of the waves to lull you into an afternoon nap or an impromptu yoga session, and a length of beach to treasure hunt and observe the wonders of nature, and that’s what the beaches of Kwajalein and Roi-Namur provide. I doubt I’ll ever find a better one in any of my future travels, but if I do, I’ll stand corrected and write about it as I have these, so I can remember them and place myself there when I am far away from the shore and needing its calming effects after a stressful day being landlocked.
Upon arriving, there’s a large pavilion with picnic tables, oversized charcoal grills, bathrooms, a water fountain, and a fresh water shower, so it has all the modern conveniences, but yet the beach itself is still very private with shady areas where the trees bend over the almost white sands made of finely crushed coral and the roots from the slightly forested areas hanging down above the beach make fun hiding places for kids or cozy spots for beach chairs for those who want to relax instead of play in the surf. The beach slopes down from the pavilion, and it is fairly open on one side, but the other side is covered in pine trees and their needles which blanket the ground, and there’s a sharp drop off from the trees to the beach that has to be carefully navigated if you want to enter from this area.
Once you get down to the beach, there’s a tree that has a rope swing where children or adults can climb up onto a large root system emerging from the sand, grab the rope as high up as they can, put their foot in a loop at the bottom and swing until it stops, and they hop off or as my boys like to do, swing until you get to the high tide, and jump off to splash into the water below. The other great thing about this beach is the area where you can simply walk up and down and find plenty of hermit and ghost crabs to dance with or catch if you are so inclined. There’s more life to be found at this beach because it is visited by fewer people, except on those occasions when there’s a campout, party or wedding reception, and big bonfires are built safely between the drop to the sloped beaches and the pavilion.
As much as I love Coral Sands Beach on Kwajalein, if given the option, I prefer the beach on Roi-Namur from the Parrot Head Club down to the end of the runway as my number one beach of choice on the atoll. This is a fairly long stretch of beach, but that’s the best part about it. I grew up vacationing on the long, flat beaches of Florida where you could walk for miles and still not see an end in sight, and that’s what I missed most upon first moving to the middle of the Pacific, but the water here is the most magnificent in the world, the clarity and varying shades of blue and green cannot be matched, so to put those two things together, the water and the length of beach to walk upon makes up my perfect beach experience.
Unlike the beaches in Florida, you can see the end of the beaches on Roi, and you can really only walk the entire length when the tide is at its lowest, but it’s enough of a walk to satisfy beach combers, and it’s a truly beautiful stretch of sand which curves around from the famous Parrot Head past several inviting beach shacks built and maintained by residents but open for public use, and finally curving back around the airport runway in a delicious little sandbar and stretch of coral you can walk out onto and often see sharks and other sea creatures basking in the shallows of the low tide. There are several palms and pine trees reaching out to touch the sand as you get closer to the turn at the end, and there’s also some remnants of days gone by where concrete structures of some sort of other, maybe from the days of the Japanese occupation in WWII, lay buried in the sand and now serve as homes for local crabs. One of them looks as if it would be a perfect “hot tub” of sorts if we could find a way to keep the water from leaking back out through the sand in the bottom of the concrete frame, and my boys love exploring it and using their imaginations to “build” things out of them each time we walk that part of the beach.
My favorite beaches consist of quaint little spots, unfrequented by human habitation where you can relax with only the sound of the waves to lull you into an afternoon nap or an impromptu yoga session, and a length of beach to treasure hunt and observe the wonders of nature, and that’s what the beaches of Kwajalein and Roi-Namur provide. I doubt I’ll ever find a better one in any of my future travels, but if I do, I’ll stand corrected and write about it as I have these, so I can remember them and place myself there when I am far away from the shore and needing its calming effects after a stressful day being landlocked.
August 10, 2010-Letting Go
It’s been approximately 3 weeks today since I last saw my boys. They are still on vacation with their dad and his family in the states. I miss them so much. I called, and they were visiting their great aunt’s house at the time. This is a regular visit they do every year, and it is very familiar to me. One of the things the boys always loved to do there was catch fireflies. Their great aunt’s house is in the perfect spot for twilight firefly catching. I reminded them of that on the phone today. “Make sure you take your dad and catch fireflies out behind the garden.”
This is probably the most bittersweet part of divorce for me, being cut off from the family I was a part of for over 10 years. Letting go of a painful relationship and moving on is healthy, and it’s what needed to happen, but letting go of family who have always been good to you, and of whom you have nothing but positive memories with is difficult. I can no longer experience that family time with the boys as I did before. I know, that’s just part of divorce. You don’t just give up the spousal relationship, you give up the family times, and in a joint custody situation, you give up being there for half of your children’s lives and experiences. You give up control of being around for them 24/7 and accept being their mom for only half their lives. Of course, I am their mom every day, all the time, but I won’t be there to bandage every cut, kiss away every tear, sing them to sleep every night, and catch fireflies with them at every opportunity. That’s been the hardest part...letting go of them earlier in their lives than most moms have to do.
Their lives changed drastically at the ages of 3 and 5, so having a mom and dad who don’t live together may be all they ever really remember, but I remember living with them all the time when they were babies. I remember mornings at the library, pool, beach, and at baby groups with friends before I had to work. I remember taking them on 6 week vacations in the middle of the year to visit with grandparents without having to worry about school. I remember getting up at night to their cries when they were sick or had nightmares. I remember lazy days of sitting and playing potato head or building ships with legos. I remember falling asleep with one of my precious boys beside me watching Baby Einstein right after lunch. I remember turning the high chair toward re-runs of the Cosby Show while feeding my oldest his dinner. He still loves that show. I remember field trips to feed the turtles at the turtle pond and having friends and their kids over for pupus and cocktails after on Saturday evenings.
These are the things I can no longer do with them, and that they probably don’t even remember having done with me anymore. My situation is unique because I am not allowed housing on the base where I reside. Otherwise, I could still continue some of these traditions and family time, albeit every other week and weekend, instead of every day, but I try to make up for that when I do have a place to stay with my kids. I am trying to make new memories and traditions that hopefully they are now old enough to hold on to and relish as I relish my memories of the times with them those first few years of their lives before everything changed.
We now have our Roi weekends full of fishing, camping, snorkeling, riding in the jungle in the golf cart, and geocaching. We have our house-sitting adventures where we get to stay, often at friends’ home, and live as if we are on vacation at home. We have new family to visit and adventures to experience on vacation with my boyfriend’s family, and to tell the truth, the boys have a better, happier mom to share life with than they ever had before.
Although letting go of old adventures and the old life I had with my boys has been harder than I thought it would be, I am so blessed to experience this new life with them and to have met some one who truly loves me in a way I’ve never felt or been loved before to share it with. God is good, especially in the midst of sorrow and pain. He takes the tears of frustration and depression we all experience at one time or another and turns them into tears of joy and deep, deep love. I hope my boys are able to find that kind of love in another one day, but if life throws them a couple of loops first, I know God will be there for them and provide them the love and strength they need to move forward as happier and healthier men just as he’s given me the love and strength to move forward and fulfill my potential and destiny in life and be the best mom I can be to them in the meantime.
This is probably the most bittersweet part of divorce for me, being cut off from the family I was a part of for over 10 years. Letting go of a painful relationship and moving on is healthy, and it’s what needed to happen, but letting go of family who have always been good to you, and of whom you have nothing but positive memories with is difficult. I can no longer experience that family time with the boys as I did before. I know, that’s just part of divorce. You don’t just give up the spousal relationship, you give up the family times, and in a joint custody situation, you give up being there for half of your children’s lives and experiences. You give up control of being around for them 24/7 and accept being their mom for only half their lives. Of course, I am their mom every day, all the time, but I won’t be there to bandage every cut, kiss away every tear, sing them to sleep every night, and catch fireflies with them at every opportunity. That’s been the hardest part...letting go of them earlier in their lives than most moms have to do.
Their lives changed drastically at the ages of 3 and 5, so having a mom and dad who don’t live together may be all they ever really remember, but I remember living with them all the time when they were babies. I remember mornings at the library, pool, beach, and at baby groups with friends before I had to work. I remember taking them on 6 week vacations in the middle of the year to visit with grandparents without having to worry about school. I remember getting up at night to their cries when they were sick or had nightmares. I remember lazy days of sitting and playing potato head or building ships with legos. I remember falling asleep with one of my precious boys beside me watching Baby Einstein right after lunch. I remember turning the high chair toward re-runs of the Cosby Show while feeding my oldest his dinner. He still loves that show. I remember field trips to feed the turtles at the turtle pond and having friends and their kids over for pupus and cocktails after on Saturday evenings.
These are the things I can no longer do with them, and that they probably don’t even remember having done with me anymore. My situation is unique because I am not allowed housing on the base where I reside. Otherwise, I could still continue some of these traditions and family time, albeit every other week and weekend, instead of every day, but I try to make up for that when I do have a place to stay with my kids. I am trying to make new memories and traditions that hopefully they are now old enough to hold on to and relish as I relish my memories of the times with them those first few years of their lives before everything changed.
We now have our Roi weekends full of fishing, camping, snorkeling, riding in the jungle in the golf cart, and geocaching. We have our house-sitting adventures where we get to stay, often at friends’ home, and live as if we are on vacation at home. We have new family to visit and adventures to experience on vacation with my boyfriend’s family, and to tell the truth, the boys have a better, happier mom to share life with than they ever had before.
Although letting go of old adventures and the old life I had with my boys has been harder than I thought it would be, I am so blessed to experience this new life with them and to have met some one who truly loves me in a way I’ve never felt or been loved before to share it with. God is good, especially in the midst of sorrow and pain. He takes the tears of frustration and depression we all experience at one time or another and turns them into tears of joy and deep, deep love. I hope my boys are able to find that kind of love in another one day, but if life throws them a couple of loops first, I know God will be there for them and provide them the love and strength they need to move forward as happier and healthier men just as he’s given me the love and strength to move forward and fulfill my potential and destiny in life and be the best mom I can be to them in the meantime.
Monday, August 9, 2010
August 9, 2010-“Road-Tripping” in the Islands
One of the many outdoor activities, I’ve grown to love since moving to the atoll is sailing. I love it because it takes its passengers to another world without having to spend hours on a plane or in a car. You simply step onto the boat and sail into the sunset, so to speak, and it’s fantastic. Every time I am on a boat and arrive back home in the evenings, I feel like I have been somewhere so exotic and relaxing, and it all took place over only a few hours of one day. There’s one other place on the atoll I feel the same way about, and as odd as it may sound to those of you who are familiar with the islands, it’s Ebeye. I’ve mentioned this spot before in earlier journals. It’s an island less than 5 miles from the range on Kwajalein where the 1,000 plus Marshallese employees and their families reside, commuting to work on the range every day by boat. The boats that come over every hour on the hour from about 5-7 am to get everyone to work are filled to capacity, but going back, they are virtually empty. I am one of the lucky few who had the opportunity to “reverse commute” to Ebeye to work for my first several years on the atoll.
I was a part time English as a second language teacher for the College of the Marshall Islands satellite campus on Guegeegue for over 5 years. I took the last morning boat at 7:10 am over to Ebeye, then we would go by rickety old buses or step-vans, usually donated from the base on Kwajalein when they no longer could use them, down a man-made coral causeway past a number of islands before arriving at the campus of the college on Guegeegue 20-30 minutes later (this sometimes depended on the number of potholes on the causeway on any given day and sometimes on how much the tide has or was washing over as occasionally classes were cancelled entirely due to the impassable wash over of the causeway by the ocean). The ride was rough and bumpy, and you had to watch for rusted out holes in the floor of the bus or step-van as you entered and exited, but it was full of adventure for me, the other teachers, and for the students. It was the only college available to the kids short of moving to the capital of the Marshall Islands, Majuro, which is an hour plane ride away, so it was a great opportunity for them to get a college education they might not have access to otherwise.
Once we arrived safely on campus, I would teach 3-4 classes of English to small classes of 15-18 Marshallese students in louvered window classrooms, which were part of a barracks and recreation building formally build by some branch of the American military for a base of pre-radar operations there. Most recently, I met a former American resident who described what the building was used for back then, and I could picture what it was like in its former glory. What a trip that was! By the time, the college acquired it, the bathrooms, food service areas, and air-conditioning had been stripped, and bare classrooms with chalk and/or dry erase boards replaced all that was there before. I didn’t mind the lack of air-con as the trade winds blowing through usually kept us cool. I didn’t even mind the sound of roosters crowing throughout class time and the occasional visit by a neighborhood dog or cat to English class. It was all part of the experience. I worked, most semesters, only half a day, and I took the noon boat back to Kwajalein to go to my job at the library, and it broke up the sameness of island life for me because it really is going to another world when you leave the base and enter the “real” Marshall Islands. I miss that job and those days...
Now, I work with the Marshallese kids who commute to Kwajalein, but because of that job, I still have the opportunity to go over several times a year to have workshop meetings with the parents, and to take my 4-H Ebeye Citizenship Club students over to visit. When I arrive on the island, which is always full of life and the hustle and bustle of the city, except at a slightly slower island style pace, I can’t help but get a silly grin on my face. In some ways, I feel like I am home. I think that’s because of the people, my friends, who have made me feel so welcome, so appreciated, and so loved, just because I come over to work with them and do what I love.
It feels like I am in a different world and not merely 5 miles from my home on an Americanized military base because it is a different world. There are more than 13,000 people on a small island not much more than a mile long, if that, and less than a mile wide, so you can imagine the chaos that creates. There’s no running water most places, and if there is, you don’t want to drink it straight out of the tap. There’s no effective sewage system or even enough garbage cans to contain the trash, and they have power outages, sometimes scheduled, sometimes not, regularly. Their homes are mostly built out of plywood, pallets, and other wood they could find or savage from those who no longer wanted or needed it on other islands, and it’s very, very overcrowded, not a single palm tree in sight because there’s no room for those anymore. But, the people make do, just as we all do in times of hardship. On the outside, their homes, schools, and places of business may not look like much, but on the inside they are very cozy and well-loved and taken care of, just like the people, they have lots of heart.
This warmth makes it hard for me to stay away for any length of time. I actually will start to miss Ebeye when I haven’t had a chance to go over or be a part of something there. When I consider leaving this place, I worry about leaving these people and the work I’ve done with them, not because what I do is more than a tiny spot in their world or that I will be missed in any great capacity, but because I don’t know how I’ll survive without them. Just like sailing takes me away to another world and relaxes me for a bit, the small island of Ebeye and its people and culture enhance my world more than they could ever know. And after a long, hard day on Kwajalein, a trip to Ebeye soothes my soul. Their spirit of “Iakwe” brings a smile to my face like a rainbow after the storm. Thank you, my Ebeye friends, for making your island, one of my ideal “road trips” on the atoll.
I was a part time English as a second language teacher for the College of the Marshall Islands satellite campus on Guegeegue for over 5 years. I took the last morning boat at 7:10 am over to Ebeye, then we would go by rickety old buses or step-vans, usually donated from the base on Kwajalein when they no longer could use them, down a man-made coral causeway past a number of islands before arriving at the campus of the college on Guegeegue 20-30 minutes later (this sometimes depended on the number of potholes on the causeway on any given day and sometimes on how much the tide has or was washing over as occasionally classes were cancelled entirely due to the impassable wash over of the causeway by the ocean). The ride was rough and bumpy, and you had to watch for rusted out holes in the floor of the bus or step-van as you entered and exited, but it was full of adventure for me, the other teachers, and for the students. It was the only college available to the kids short of moving to the capital of the Marshall Islands, Majuro, which is an hour plane ride away, so it was a great opportunity for them to get a college education they might not have access to otherwise.
Once we arrived safely on campus, I would teach 3-4 classes of English to small classes of 15-18 Marshallese students in louvered window classrooms, which were part of a barracks and recreation building formally build by some branch of the American military for a base of pre-radar operations there. Most recently, I met a former American resident who described what the building was used for back then, and I could picture what it was like in its former glory. What a trip that was! By the time, the college acquired it, the bathrooms, food service areas, and air-conditioning had been stripped, and bare classrooms with chalk and/or dry erase boards replaced all that was there before. I didn’t mind the lack of air-con as the trade winds blowing through usually kept us cool. I didn’t even mind the sound of roosters crowing throughout class time and the occasional visit by a neighborhood dog or cat to English class. It was all part of the experience. I worked, most semesters, only half a day, and I took the noon boat back to Kwajalein to go to my job at the library, and it broke up the sameness of island life for me because it really is going to another world when you leave the base and enter the “real” Marshall Islands. I miss that job and those days...
Now, I work with the Marshallese kids who commute to Kwajalein, but because of that job, I still have the opportunity to go over several times a year to have workshop meetings with the parents, and to take my 4-H Ebeye Citizenship Club students over to visit. When I arrive on the island, which is always full of life and the hustle and bustle of the city, except at a slightly slower island style pace, I can’t help but get a silly grin on my face. In some ways, I feel like I am home. I think that’s because of the people, my friends, who have made me feel so welcome, so appreciated, and so loved, just because I come over to work with them and do what I love.
It feels like I am in a different world and not merely 5 miles from my home on an Americanized military base because it is a different world. There are more than 13,000 people on a small island not much more than a mile long, if that, and less than a mile wide, so you can imagine the chaos that creates. There’s no running water most places, and if there is, you don’t want to drink it straight out of the tap. There’s no effective sewage system or even enough garbage cans to contain the trash, and they have power outages, sometimes scheduled, sometimes not, regularly. Their homes are mostly built out of plywood, pallets, and other wood they could find or savage from those who no longer wanted or needed it on other islands, and it’s very, very overcrowded, not a single palm tree in sight because there’s no room for those anymore. But, the people make do, just as we all do in times of hardship. On the outside, their homes, schools, and places of business may not look like much, but on the inside they are very cozy and well-loved and taken care of, just like the people, they have lots of heart.
This warmth makes it hard for me to stay away for any length of time. I actually will start to miss Ebeye when I haven’t had a chance to go over or be a part of something there. When I consider leaving this place, I worry about leaving these people and the work I’ve done with them, not because what I do is more than a tiny spot in their world or that I will be missed in any great capacity, but because I don’t know how I’ll survive without them. Just like sailing takes me away to another world and relaxes me for a bit, the small island of Ebeye and its people and culture enhance my world more than they could ever know. And after a long, hard day on Kwajalein, a trip to Ebeye soothes my soul. Their spirit of “Iakwe” brings a smile to my face like a rainbow after the storm. Thank you, my Ebeye friends, for making your island, one of my ideal “road trips” on the atoll.
August 8, 2010-Life’s Greatest Joys
A few days ago I wrote about my greatest fear and this afternoon, as I reflected back on the day, I thought I’d discuss life’s greatest joys. I think everyone fears failure, and we all fear death, rejection, and so many other things in life. But joy is more individualized. My greatest joy may be the same as yours or it may be different. For example, one of my boyfriend’s greatest joys in life is scuba diving. He can be having a horrid day and get out there on a good dive and come home relaxed and full of excitement for life again. He simply loves everything about the sport and what he can find and experience underwater. One of my friend’s greatest joys in life is cooking. She loves to talk about cooking, share her dishes with friends, and would prefer to be in the kitchen almost more than anything else. It never seems to become mundane or a chore for her. Like fears, we all have more than one joy in life, but these are examples of the varied nature of our joys.
As for me, I enjoy scuba diving, yoga, reading, and so much more, but my greatest joy is spending quality time with my family and friends. I love being with my boys, seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. I love having a glass of wine and dinner with my boyfriend’s family while we tell stories. I love getting together with my brothers and their families and my parents and all our relatives from Sand Mountain, eating watermelon and homemade peach ice cream and catching up on life. I love going over to my best friend’s house, crying and giggling and sharing life together until way past our bed times. I love discovering treasures on the beach with my boyfriend and my kids while camping at the beach shack and diving these beautiful tropical waters with old and new friends. These are the times when I feel the most joy, and the one thing that binds these experiences into one is togetherness with family and friends, sharing life’s greatest joys for all of us.
So, maybe I should redefine my greatest joy as sharing other’s greatest joys with them for I usually share my friend’s love of cooking by visiting with her in the kitchen while she cooks and taste testing her food as she prepares it. And I accompany my boyfriend and his friends on dives and glean the most happiness during those dives from seeing the contentedness on his face and the excitement in his voice before and after the dives and swimming beside him under the water so I don’t miss seeing whatever he or I might find to share with each other. I share in my sons’ happiness when roasting marshmallows and finding a particularly cool shell or treasure on the beach. I love to listen to family stories and learn more about these precious parts of myself and my family through opening up my mind and heart to our differing perspectives on life and discovering how our life experiences have shaped us into who we are. Sharing life and love with those closest to me, that’s my greatest joy in life. What’s yours?
As for me, I enjoy scuba diving, yoga, reading, and so much more, but my greatest joy is spending quality time with my family and friends. I love being with my boys, seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. I love having a glass of wine and dinner with my boyfriend’s family while we tell stories. I love getting together with my brothers and their families and my parents and all our relatives from Sand Mountain, eating watermelon and homemade peach ice cream and catching up on life. I love going over to my best friend’s house, crying and giggling and sharing life together until way past our bed times. I love discovering treasures on the beach with my boyfriend and my kids while camping at the beach shack and diving these beautiful tropical waters with old and new friends. These are the times when I feel the most joy, and the one thing that binds these experiences into one is togetherness with family and friends, sharing life’s greatest joys for all of us.
So, maybe I should redefine my greatest joy as sharing other’s greatest joys with them for I usually share my friend’s love of cooking by visiting with her in the kitchen while she cooks and taste testing her food as she prepares it. And I accompany my boyfriend and his friends on dives and glean the most happiness during those dives from seeing the contentedness on his face and the excitement in his voice before and after the dives and swimming beside him under the water so I don’t miss seeing whatever he or I might find to share with each other. I share in my sons’ happiness when roasting marshmallows and finding a particularly cool shell or treasure on the beach. I love to listen to family stories and learn more about these precious parts of myself and my family through opening up my mind and heart to our differing perspectives on life and discovering how our life experiences have shaped us into who we are. Sharing life and love with those closest to me, that’s my greatest joy in life. What’s yours?
August 7, 2010-Life out of the Ruins
What an awesome day! It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to swim into the depths of the tropical waters in the Pacific and enjoy the treasures of the sea. Today, we dove the anemone coral head near third island off the island of Roi-Namur, had some lunch in the shelter of sixth island (the traditional “boat float” area for the residents), and then we dove the Japanese Zero. The coral heads in the area absolutely teem with life! From the tiniest “Nemo” clownfish hiding in an anemone built inside a broccoli shaped head of hard coal to the baby shark checking out the funny looking creatures swimming around his territory, the diving out here is so clear, warm, and alive, it’s hard to want to dive anywhere else, especially considering the inexpensive cost of diving off these shores versus Hawaii, Australia, or other touristy dive spots in the world.
As for the Japanese Zero, this is a plane that crashed upside down on the sea floor and at some point cracked in half and the back end landed upside down over the top half. It’s in about 60 feet of water, and if you know where to find the landing gear wheel with a rope attached, then that rope will lead you right to the plane. It was my second time on the wreck, but of course, different things stand out in your memory each time you dive it. This time, what stood out most to me was how the sea takes over and builds something new and vibrant in the midst of great tragedy and trauma to the ocean itself and to the world or a least a portion of it. Someone was lost in the plane crash, and we pay homage to that sacrifice. Fortunately, beautiful things have grown out of that loss. All over the wreck, coral has attached itself and grown like underwater flowers to mark the gravesite, fish use the inside of the ripped up metal fuselage as a safe hiding place from their predators, and life continues to grow and develop right on top, beside, and inside the wreck.
There’s one spot out in front and to the right side of the plane that looks like it could be a part of the wing that slammed into the ocean floor and broke off. It is bent and stands up above the rest of the small coral heads, but as you look closer, you see it has become a “man-made” piece of coral for the fish to chow on later. A fairly large coral head has grown right on top of it, so that you couldn’t even move the metal wing piece if you wanted to.
Life out of the ruins. I like that. That seems to be a theme of mine in these journals so far...finding beauty out of ashes and growing stronger despite or through the tough times. The life that Japanese solider sacrificed for his country during WWII can never be replaced, and no one should have to die that way. But the life growing out of, on, and inside that ship is symbolic of all the joy that can be cultivated out of tragedy if you are patient enough to wait for it. Our tragedies can serve to help others find what they need, whether that’s a safe place to rest, gnaw on a piece of coral, or simply to help remind us to hang in there and look for the silver lining in the clouds above.
As for the Japanese Zero, this is a plane that crashed upside down on the sea floor and at some point cracked in half and the back end landed upside down over the top half. It’s in about 60 feet of water, and if you know where to find the landing gear wheel with a rope attached, then that rope will lead you right to the plane. It was my second time on the wreck, but of course, different things stand out in your memory each time you dive it. This time, what stood out most to me was how the sea takes over and builds something new and vibrant in the midst of great tragedy and trauma to the ocean itself and to the world or a least a portion of it. Someone was lost in the plane crash, and we pay homage to that sacrifice. Fortunately, beautiful things have grown out of that loss. All over the wreck, coral has attached itself and grown like underwater flowers to mark the gravesite, fish use the inside of the ripped up metal fuselage as a safe hiding place from their predators, and life continues to grow and develop right on top, beside, and inside the wreck.
There’s one spot out in front and to the right side of the plane that looks like it could be a part of the wing that slammed into the ocean floor and broke off. It is bent and stands up above the rest of the small coral heads, but as you look closer, you see it has become a “man-made” piece of coral for the fish to chow on later. A fairly large coral head has grown right on top of it, so that you couldn’t even move the metal wing piece if you wanted to.
Life out of the ruins. I like that. That seems to be a theme of mine in these journals so far...finding beauty out of ashes and growing stronger despite or through the tough times. The life that Japanese solider sacrificed for his country during WWII can never be replaced, and no one should have to die that way. But the life growing out of, on, and inside that ship is symbolic of all the joy that can be cultivated out of tragedy if you are patient enough to wait for it. Our tragedies can serve to help others find what they need, whether that’s a safe place to rest, gnaw on a piece of coral, or simply to help remind us to hang in there and look for the silver lining in the clouds above.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
August 6, 2010-Riding through the Rain
Some days instead of waiting out the rain, you just have to ride through it. On my way back from Kwaj to Roi today, I stepped off the plane and into the dark, cloudy skies surrounding the island. I debated for a second, only a second, and then decided I could ride my red, high handled Roi bike, which was a Valentine’s present from my boyfriend, through the rain, and I took off. At first, I tried to outrun the rain. Sometimes out here, if you can just get a little bit ahead of it, you miss all but a few drops hitting your clothes and eyes. I’ve called friends at the golf course on one end of the island of Kwajalein from the housing area on the other end to see how they are playing in the rain, and I am told, “it’s not raining here, is it raining there?” We can have a downpour all centered around 1 mile of the island while the other 2 miles stay hot and dry.
It’s fascinating, but today, that was not the case. As I rode, the rain got heavier and heavier until finally, I found myself slowing down and watching the sheets of rain blow in ripples across the asphalt. It was exhilarating. I let out of couple of whoops, enjoying the cleansing drench I was receiving. It made me think of my boys and how much fun they would have riding in the rain with me. They always love it even more when the adults are willing to participate in that type of child like fun with them. And for kids, there’s something about rain and water in particular.
When I ran the before and after school program on the island, I would occasionally allow the last few kids left at the end of a rainy day to play in it. It’s one of the most joy-filled activities I’ve ever watched kids participate in, running and jumping in puddles, sliding and swinging in the rain, making soppy sand pies and getting wetter and wetter by the second. I couldn’t fully participate in this while at work, but I got as much out of it as anyone because it made my heart smile to see them so happy. And I felt that again today while riding in the rain.
It’s the simple things that make the world go around...I remember one year when my mom was struggling to make ends meet, and she had expressed an interest in getting a yard sprinkler to a friend, but it was never something she would spend money on herself because it was not a necessity. So, one day her friend came by with a sprinkler, and that one simple, inexpensive wish being fulfilled gave her so much joy. The little things are what we will remember in the end...an encouraging word or compliment from a friend, a smile or hug from a child who sensed you needed it, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, a scoop of your favorite ice cream, a photograph from a treasured time or memory in your life, these are the things that keep us going when nothing else can. For me today, having lunch with a good friend, hearing my kids’ laughter over the phone, and riding in the rain are the little things that make it all worth while, all the sacrifices, the long work days, the isolation of living on a tiny atoll, and the heartbreaks and challenges experienced to do what’s best for my family and to grow my own character are all worth it because some days, riding through the storm refreshes and rekindles the fire inside of you instead of putting it out.
It’s fascinating, but today, that was not the case. As I rode, the rain got heavier and heavier until finally, I found myself slowing down and watching the sheets of rain blow in ripples across the asphalt. It was exhilarating. I let out of couple of whoops, enjoying the cleansing drench I was receiving. It made me think of my boys and how much fun they would have riding in the rain with me. They always love it even more when the adults are willing to participate in that type of child like fun with them. And for kids, there’s something about rain and water in particular.
When I ran the before and after school program on the island, I would occasionally allow the last few kids left at the end of a rainy day to play in it. It’s one of the most joy-filled activities I’ve ever watched kids participate in, running and jumping in puddles, sliding and swinging in the rain, making soppy sand pies and getting wetter and wetter by the second. I couldn’t fully participate in this while at work, but I got as much out of it as anyone because it made my heart smile to see them so happy. And I felt that again today while riding in the rain.
It’s the simple things that make the world go around...I remember one year when my mom was struggling to make ends meet, and she had expressed an interest in getting a yard sprinkler to a friend, but it was never something she would spend money on herself because it was not a necessity. So, one day her friend came by with a sprinkler, and that one simple, inexpensive wish being fulfilled gave her so much joy. The little things are what we will remember in the end...an encouraging word or compliment from a friend, a smile or hug from a child who sensed you needed it, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, a scoop of your favorite ice cream, a photograph from a treasured time or memory in your life, these are the things that keep us going when nothing else can. For me today, having lunch with a good friend, hearing my kids’ laughter over the phone, and riding in the rain are the little things that make it all worth while, all the sacrifices, the long work days, the isolation of living on a tiny atoll, and the heartbreaks and challenges experienced to do what’s best for my family and to grow my own character are all worth it because some days, riding through the storm refreshes and rekindles the fire inside of you instead of putting it out.
August 5, 2010-My Greatest Fear
Today, I uncovered my greatest fear. More than anything in life, I fear failing those I love, my kids, my true love, my family, my friends, and my God. I fear not measuring up to what is expected of me. I have no solid reasoning for this fear, but isn’t that what fear operates on, the idea that we can’t know the future, that we aren’t perfect, that we are bound to make mistakes at one point or another because no one or thing in life is perfect. Fear is rarely proved rational; it just is. We all have fears, and I never really considered what my greatest fear was until today. I knew that at some point in this year long journaling adventure, I would have to write about hardship, about the challenges of life, but for some odd reason, I didn’t expect it to be within the first week of writing. I was hoping to just relax a little more, to continue along the path of least resistance as I have done most of my life. Most days, I pray for normalcy. That’s all.
Until you have been through it, I don’t think anyone can really say they understand divorce and the ensuing challenges that accompany it. I thought I knew what my mom felt like when she went through it approximately 23 years ago, but I realized upon going through it myself the past 3 years, that I really didn’t truly understand anything. Looking back, how could I? I was 12 years old when my own parents got divorced, but now, at thirty-something, it’s the intensity of the pain that astonished me the most, and to be completely honest, the insensitivity and lack of understanding of those who I believed to be trusted friends. I don’t blame them though. I think putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is one of the hardest and most loving things we can do for each other, to truly try to understand what someone else has been through and how difficult it must be. As human beings, we want to judge first based on our own understanding of right and wrong in the world, based on our own experiences. We are reluctant to consider how the same hardships and tragedies in our own lives would affect us, and my heart aches for that lack of human compassion and support we have for each other, but I attribute this to fear too. We are afraid when we hear about tragic things in other’s lives that the same thing will happen to us. I remember my best friend telling me just that when she learned my parents were getting divorced. “What if my parents do too?” She had a right to be scared. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Luckily, her parents are still together to this day, but you never know what hardships will befall you until they do, and you never know how you will respond until you do. So, that leaves one question for everyone to consider, how will you deal with the biggest challenges in your life?
My grandfather is the best example I have of a human being who always considered the other person’s troubles above his own. When my parent’s divorced, and my dad quickly remarried, you can imagine the “girl talk” happening between my grandmother, mom, and me concerning his inconsiderate and, in our opinion, aberrant behavior, and in the middle of the discussion, my granddaddy said very simply something I will never forget. When there was a lull in the conversation, he commented very casually, “I wonder what he must be dealing with at home right now.” Instead of taking sides and agreeing with us that my dad didn’t deserve our sympathy for treating my mom inadequately, he considered my dad above himself and all of us, as he should have, and made a point to communicate to us that consideration for what he must be going through because surely if we were in that much pain, he had certainly experienced his share too. After that comment, we shut up, but it was not said condescendingly or in an effort to make us feel bad. It was just an observation and a mindset that my granddaddy operated in daily, one of considering others first, just as the Bible said he ought to, and I will aspire to that type of thinking all of my life, although I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to achieve it as graciously as he did.
Life has thrown me a loop today, and there will be many more, I’m sure, but I will attempt to handle it gracefully and with faith, hope, and love, knowing that God has my best interests at heart if I will only trust Him. The challenges of negotiating child care and life with two kids going between two families will continue to be there for many years to come, but I will strive to be the best mom and woman I can be to set an example for my boys of how to live life to the fullest and not stop short of their dreams and potential.
Until you have been through it, I don’t think anyone can really say they understand divorce and the ensuing challenges that accompany it. I thought I knew what my mom felt like when she went through it approximately 23 years ago, but I realized upon going through it myself the past 3 years, that I really didn’t truly understand anything. Looking back, how could I? I was 12 years old when my own parents got divorced, but now, at thirty-something, it’s the intensity of the pain that astonished me the most, and to be completely honest, the insensitivity and lack of understanding of those who I believed to be trusted friends. I don’t blame them though. I think putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is one of the hardest and most loving things we can do for each other, to truly try to understand what someone else has been through and how difficult it must be. As human beings, we want to judge first based on our own understanding of right and wrong in the world, based on our own experiences. We are reluctant to consider how the same hardships and tragedies in our own lives would affect us, and my heart aches for that lack of human compassion and support we have for each other, but I attribute this to fear too. We are afraid when we hear about tragic things in other’s lives that the same thing will happen to us. I remember my best friend telling me just that when she learned my parents were getting divorced. “What if my parents do too?” She had a right to be scared. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Luckily, her parents are still together to this day, but you never know what hardships will befall you until they do, and you never know how you will respond until you do. So, that leaves one question for everyone to consider, how will you deal with the biggest challenges in your life?
My grandfather is the best example I have of a human being who always considered the other person’s troubles above his own. When my parent’s divorced, and my dad quickly remarried, you can imagine the “girl talk” happening between my grandmother, mom, and me concerning his inconsiderate and, in our opinion, aberrant behavior, and in the middle of the discussion, my granddaddy said very simply something I will never forget. When there was a lull in the conversation, he commented very casually, “I wonder what he must be dealing with at home right now.” Instead of taking sides and agreeing with us that my dad didn’t deserve our sympathy for treating my mom inadequately, he considered my dad above himself and all of us, as he should have, and made a point to communicate to us that consideration for what he must be going through because surely if we were in that much pain, he had certainly experienced his share too. After that comment, we shut up, but it was not said condescendingly or in an effort to make us feel bad. It was just an observation and a mindset that my granddaddy operated in daily, one of considering others first, just as the Bible said he ought to, and I will aspire to that type of thinking all of my life, although I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to achieve it as graciously as he did.
Life has thrown me a loop today, and there will be many more, I’m sure, but I will attempt to handle it gracefully and with faith, hope, and love, knowing that God has my best interests at heart if I will only trust Him. The challenges of negotiating child care and life with two kids going between two families will continue to be there for many years to come, but I will strive to be the best mom and woman I can be to set an example for my boys of how to live life to the fullest and not stop short of their dreams and potential.
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