Only 8 days until it’s back to work for me, and 10 days until it’s back to school for all the kids in the Kwajalein School system. As much as I love my job (and I really do; it’s honestly a perfect fit for me), and as much as I can’t wait to see my children when they arrive back on Saturday, I am also in love with Roi and with the life I’ve had here with my sweetheart for the last few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time on Roi-Namur over the past 2 ½ years, and I really think if I could live on Roi and work at the public school on Enniburr (Third Island), I would do it in a heartbeat, but that’s not something I can do at this point in my life. I have my boys to care for and responsibilities and a life on Kwajalein I need to get back to.
I think the biggest struggle in my heart and mind right now is the thought of having to go back to the gypsy lifestyle I have lived since my divorce. I love having a normal, stable life and home to spend my off times in like we’ve had on vacation and in the islands the last 2 plus months, and a home for me on Kwajalein with my boys and sweetheart is just not something that has come to pass for me. It’s not in the cards, so to speak. And that’s okay; I believe there’s a reason for that, and I have faith that God is in control, but it doesn’t make it any easier to actually live this way.
I realize compared to so many others I have it pretty easy. Life could be so much tougher. I could be jobless, homeless, or on my deathbed, but I’m not, and I’m thankful for that. I really am. I am blessed in so many ways that others are not, so I continue on, normal lifestyle or not. I do what I can to ensure the best for my kids and to ensure healthy, happy relationships with my loved ones here and in the states. And that’s all I can do, right? Life is the real deal, not the movies with the fairy tale endings. I have to say, though, that movies have come into their own reality the last couple of decades. There’s a lot more dark comedies and harsh realism in the movies than there used to be or at least that I was attuned to in my former life.
I’ve watched a few more movies than normal these last few weeks on Roi, and more than not have been unusually depressing, ending with little hope and even less evidence of faith in anything. Tonight, we watched “Defendor” with Woody Harrelson, and it was full of reality and certainly did not have a happy, fairy tale ending, but it did have the big three plus one: faith, hope, love, and truth. And isn’t that what the world needs and operates best on in the end?
I get very into movies, and I show emotions easily. I used to think too easily, but I’ve come to accept that about myself and love it. I am proud to wear my heart on my sleeve because it reveals my honesty and my genuine nature, and it is who I am. I am fully myself with most everyone I meet, and this takes a lot of pressure off of me. I don’t have to hide or keep secrets or try to impress. You either like me and get me or you don’t. And either way, that’s okay. Just like the character of “Defendor” in the movie. Although simple-minded, “Defendor” only wants to help, to make a difference. He did this through becoming a “super hero” of sorts, and it gave his life purpose and meaning, and he gave others hope.
I think sometimes we analyze life and our actions too much. We worry too much about what others think and live in fear about everything, really. We think too much and then are afraid to take those risks that make the most difference to those around us. All I want to do is make a difference, like “Defendor.” I want to be a good mom to my kids and make a difference in their lives. I want to be a good companion and friend to my sweetheart and to my best friends and know that I was there for them when they most needed it. I want to be a supportive daughter and helpful member of my family back in the states. I want to do my job to the best of my ability and give back to the community through my volunteer work. I want to represent truth, faith, hope and love in all I do, and of course, I’m not perfect, but I want to at least know that I’ve done my best, and that I helped those closest to me, and even a perfect stranger, if I could.
I remember a time when I was working in the mall at a gift shop back in college, and I had been helping customers all afternoon as usual. There was nothing extraordinary or different to me about the day or the customers until I left out of the store on my break. As I was leaving, a man I had helped earlier came up to me with a card from the Hallmark store down the way. He told me I gave him hope because of my smile. His card said essentially the same thing, thanking me for treating him with kindness and for my beautiful smile. And that was it. I never saw or heard from him again. Whatever was going on with that man, he had clearly been having a hard time or a bad day, and a simple smile made a difference. So, you never know what little action or words you might provide that give someone hope or make their day a little easier. It may be something very easy like taking the time to listen to a co-worker who’s frustrated with something they’ve been dealing with or providing a hug or a chocolate from your candy jar at work to a friend who seems to be having a bad day. It’s those few extra minutes or thoughtful gestures that can change lives in small, but important ways.
I believe it goes the other way too. We can easily ruin someone’s day by allowing a negative attitude or our own stressors in life to spew out on a co-worker, family member or friend. A snappy response or maybe even being completely in your own world and ignoring someone you usually stop and talk to can make someone feel yucky and wonder if they’ve done something to offend you. Being considerate of others and thinking of others first is really becoming a lost art. I’d like to start reclaiming that. My boyfriend’s family is one that has taught me a lot about respect and consideration for others. They’ve held onto tightly to those values in their family when so many others have lost them or simply let them slip away. It’s a character trait that sets their family apart from many of the families I interact with today as a parent and teacher.
Personally, I hope to become better at practicing those values this year by minimizing negative self-centered types of interactions and concentrating on what I can do and be for others, providing hope, love, and encouragement instead of spreading unkind words, gossip, or other negative attitudes. It’s easy to get caught up in your own world and problems in life, but in the end, it doesn’t bring you peace, and I choose peace over anything else, which I believe comes through a life focused on love, faith, hope, and truth not fear, image, self, and tearing down others. So, I say “You go Defendor!” Let’s save those we can and become superheroes, even if it is only in our own small worlds.
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