It’s been approximately 3 weeks today since I last saw my boys. They are still on vacation with their dad and his family in the states. I miss them so much. I called, and they were visiting their great aunt’s house at the time. This is a regular visit they do every year, and it is very familiar to me. One of the things the boys always loved to do there was catch fireflies. Their great aunt’s house is in the perfect spot for twilight firefly catching. I reminded them of that on the phone today. “Make sure you take your dad and catch fireflies out behind the garden.”
This is probably the most bittersweet part of divorce for me, being cut off from the family I was a part of for over 10 years. Letting go of a painful relationship and moving on is healthy, and it’s what needed to happen, but letting go of family who have always been good to you, and of whom you have nothing but positive memories with is difficult. I can no longer experience that family time with the boys as I did before. I know, that’s just part of divorce. You don’t just give up the spousal relationship, you give up the family times, and in a joint custody situation, you give up being there for half of your children’s lives and experiences. You give up control of being around for them 24/7 and accept being their mom for only half their lives. Of course, I am their mom every day, all the time, but I won’t be there to bandage every cut, kiss away every tear, sing them to sleep every night, and catch fireflies with them at every opportunity. That’s been the hardest part...letting go of them earlier in their lives than most moms have to do.
Their lives changed drastically at the ages of 3 and 5, so having a mom and dad who don’t live together may be all they ever really remember, but I remember living with them all the time when they were babies. I remember mornings at the library, pool, beach, and at baby groups with friends before I had to work. I remember taking them on 6 week vacations in the middle of the year to visit with grandparents without having to worry about school. I remember getting up at night to their cries when they were sick or had nightmares. I remember lazy days of sitting and playing potato head or building ships with legos. I remember falling asleep with one of my precious boys beside me watching Baby Einstein right after lunch. I remember turning the high chair toward re-runs of the Cosby Show while feeding my oldest his dinner. He still loves that show. I remember field trips to feed the turtles at the turtle pond and having friends and their kids over for pupus and cocktails after on Saturday evenings.
These are the things I can no longer do with them, and that they probably don’t even remember having done with me anymore. My situation is unique because I am not allowed housing on the base where I reside. Otherwise, I could still continue some of these traditions and family time, albeit every other week and weekend, instead of every day, but I try to make up for that when I do have a place to stay with my kids. I am trying to make new memories and traditions that hopefully they are now old enough to hold on to and relish as I relish my memories of the times with them those first few years of their lives before everything changed.
We now have our Roi weekends full of fishing, camping, snorkeling, riding in the jungle in the golf cart, and geocaching. We have our house-sitting adventures where we get to stay, often at friends’ home, and live as if we are on vacation at home. We have new family to visit and adventures to experience on vacation with my boyfriend’s family, and to tell the truth, the boys have a better, happier mom to share life with than they ever had before.
Although letting go of old adventures and the old life I had with my boys has been harder than I thought it would be, I am so blessed to experience this new life with them and to have met some one who truly loves me in a way I’ve never felt or been loved before to share it with. God is good, especially in the midst of sorrow and pain. He takes the tears of frustration and depression we all experience at one time or another and turns them into tears of joy and deep, deep love. I hope my boys are able to find that kind of love in another one day, but if life throws them a couple of loops first, I know God will be there for them and provide them the love and strength they need to move forward as happier and healthier men just as he’s given me the love and strength to move forward and fulfill my potential and destiny in life and be the best mom I can be to them in the meantime.
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