Today, I uncovered my greatest fear. More than anything in life, I fear failing those I love, my kids, my true love, my family, my friends, and my God. I fear not measuring up to what is expected of me. I have no solid reasoning for this fear, but isn’t that what fear operates on, the idea that we can’t know the future, that we aren’t perfect, that we are bound to make mistakes at one point or another because no one or thing in life is perfect. Fear is rarely proved rational; it just is. We all have fears, and I never really considered what my greatest fear was until today. I knew that at some point in this year long journaling adventure, I would have to write about hardship, about the challenges of life, but for some odd reason, I didn’t expect it to be within the first week of writing. I was hoping to just relax a little more, to continue along the path of least resistance as I have done most of my life. Most days, I pray for normalcy. That’s all.
Until you have been through it, I don’t think anyone can really say they understand divorce and the ensuing challenges that accompany it. I thought I knew what my mom felt like when she went through it approximately 23 years ago, but I realized upon going through it myself the past 3 years, that I really didn’t truly understand anything. Looking back, how could I? I was 12 years old when my own parents got divorced, but now, at thirty-something, it’s the intensity of the pain that astonished me the most, and to be completely honest, the insensitivity and lack of understanding of those who I believed to be trusted friends. I don’t blame them though. I think putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is one of the hardest and most loving things we can do for each other, to truly try to understand what someone else has been through and how difficult it must be. As human beings, we want to judge first based on our own understanding of right and wrong in the world, based on our own experiences. We are reluctant to consider how the same hardships and tragedies in our own lives would affect us, and my heart aches for that lack of human compassion and support we have for each other, but I attribute this to fear too. We are afraid when we hear about tragic things in other’s lives that the same thing will happen to us. I remember my best friend telling me just that when she learned my parents were getting divorced. “What if my parents do too?” She had a right to be scared. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Luckily, her parents are still together to this day, but you never know what hardships will befall you until they do, and you never know how you will respond until you do. So, that leaves one question for everyone to consider, how will you deal with the biggest challenges in your life?
My grandfather is the best example I have of a human being who always considered the other person’s troubles above his own. When my parent’s divorced, and my dad quickly remarried, you can imagine the “girl talk” happening between my grandmother, mom, and me concerning his inconsiderate and, in our opinion, aberrant behavior, and in the middle of the discussion, my granddaddy said very simply something I will never forget. When there was a lull in the conversation, he commented very casually, “I wonder what he must be dealing with at home right now.” Instead of taking sides and agreeing with us that my dad didn’t deserve our sympathy for treating my mom inadequately, he considered my dad above himself and all of us, as he should have, and made a point to communicate to us that consideration for what he must be going through because surely if we were in that much pain, he had certainly experienced his share too. After that comment, we shut up, but it was not said condescendingly or in an effort to make us feel bad. It was just an observation and a mindset that my granddaddy operated in daily, one of considering others first, just as the Bible said he ought to, and I will aspire to that type of thinking all of my life, although I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to achieve it as graciously as he did.
Life has thrown me a loop today, and there will be many more, I’m sure, but I will attempt to handle it gracefully and with faith, hope, and love, knowing that God has my best interests at heart if I will only trust Him. The challenges of negotiating child care and life with two kids going between two families will continue to be there for many years to come, but I will strive to be the best mom and woman I can be to set an example for my boys of how to live life to the fullest and not stop short of their dreams and potential.
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