September 30, 2010- My Nine+ Lives

    

     Some days I feel more like a cat with nine lives than a person, as I am reincarnated every few years with a new way of seeing things and a new way of living.  Today, I took my oldest child home to his dad’s house to work on homework while his little brother had a basketball game at the gym, and while I sat there with him in the home that used to be mine and still holds so many memories of my life, I felt far removed from it all, like it was a life I’d read about or was uniquely familiar with, but as if it was not really my own.  It has become a former life.  The same goes for my years at the library as I wrote about yesterday, another life.  My time in college is now a lifetime ago, and my years growing up with a single mom and as an only child when my brothers were grown and living away from home already, was yet another life. Before that, the years living with a family of five could be considered my very first life.  Geez, that’s at least 6 lives so far, including my present one, which is actually split into two lives being lived at the same time, one on Roi and one on Kwajalein.  I’m quickly using them up. Hopefully, I have more than 9 to sustain me to old age, or I might not make it. :) 

     I’ve felt this strange moving and maturing from life to life for quite a few years now, but it hit home today how much it’s become almost normal for me to roll with the changes and transition from one life to another in a very short time, and in some ways, this is disconcerting to me.  The reason why I felt this more acutely this afternoon is because when my oldest and I were riding to his house from the gym, I was discussing with him how he and his brother would need to start coming to work on homework after school at my new office because I really cannot keep going between my old classroom from last year and my new work space. I am needed more at one facility than the other, and it’s time to move forward. This, unexpectedly, brought tears to my son’s eyes.  “Well, I don’t want to come to that office. I like your classroom.”  As much as I feel good about the fact that he is so happy to spend his hours after school in my classroom, it is no longer something we can do, so I asked him why he likes it so much because maybe I could set up the office to be as comfortable a spot for him as the classroom has been the last year. He said my new office area is too noisy, and there’s not a big table to work at like the one he has now.  Well, I responded, I do have a small table for him to work on homework, and we have a big staff fridge that will hold more snacks than the small one in my classroom, and I can bring other comforts there, but he just needs more time to adjust. 

     The funny thing is, he used to complain about having to have lunch and spend his time after school in my school classroom and before that in my before and after school program class, but in the end, he always eventually adjusts and finds his comfort zone once again.  So, I need to be patient and realize that at just under 9 years old, it will take a few more years or “lives,” so to speak, for him to get used to leaving one way of life for another.  It’s been a tumultuous last 3 years or so for my babies. It’s never what I would have planned for them, but it’s life or one of them at least.  I wonder sometimes if allowing them to just continue with one life living with their dad and visiting me at work and on the weekends is better for them. So often we assume that splitting time between parents completely equally and in two different homes is the best way to go for divorced families who have two dedicated, stable parents, but maybe it’s not. I think it depends on the kids, but I also know that I’ve not had one moment of hesitation about my recent job change decision (which is unusual for me as I almost always second guess myself), even when it’s been frustrating transitioning between the two jobs.  Working to provide a home I can snuggle with my boys in and make chocolate chip cookies in the oven or wake up on Christmas morning or their birthdays knowing they are in the next room sleeping peacefully is something I’m willing to sacrifice for and that I’m not willing to give up on.  Home is where your heart is, but if my boys can’t be in that home with me, my heart doesn’t have a way to settle down.  I need a place to set my burdens down, have my glass of red wine for the night, and kiss my boys goodnight while saying prayers for their safety and peace throughout their 9+ lives.   

September 29, 2010- Reminiscing the Library Life

    

     Not that long ago, I was a librarian, and my life was all about books.  My first 4 years or so on island I served as a library aide and assistant librarian for the Grace Sherwood Library.  I absolutely loved this job! I even had a “library baby” for awhile after my first child was born. My supervisor, the head librarian, allowed me to bring him to work with me in the mornings when we were closed, and he would hang out with the books and us while we chatted and worked.  Since he was still under a year old, he slept a lot, so I brought a special napping blanket that folded wrapped up into itself and made a carry bag and laid him down between the stacks where he slept in the quiet surrounded by books.  I have a picture of the two of us from the local newspaper (The Hourglass) helping take books off the shelves to pack them up for a renovation of the library when he was just old enough to sit up and crawl around.  I still remember those days as absolutely magical combining the wonder of raising my first child with my first love as a child, reading and surrounding myself with books. 

     Later on, I had the privilege of serving as the head librarian, although it was short lived (only about 3 months) before the position was cut entirely, and the library went to volunteer staffing only.  After I settled into my new position in education, I eventually began to “neglect” my little hometown library which was like a second home to me for my first few tenuous years on the atoll.  Now, I hardly ever take or have the time to visit my old stomping grounds, but today my son and I had a reason to go, and I found myself very excited about helping him search for a book for school at what is most likely the only public library on Kwajalein Atoll.  Unfortunately, we didn’t find exactly what we were looking for, which was some of my favorite realistic fiction adventure novels by Gary Paulsen that my son is now old enough to enjoy too.  I know we used to have these, but they have probably been taken out of circulation because many of them were old paperbacks, and there’s not enough room or library budget money to keep everything in circulation that they’ve accumulated over the years from local donations or better yet to replace the aging books. This is so sad to me, but once again, it’s all part of life on a shrinking atoll.  Don’t get me wrong, the men and women who now take care of the library do a wonderful job with what they have to work with. It’s clean, comfortable, and there’s no shortage of fantastic books to choose from, but it’s one of those activities that the command found “dispensable” to a certain extent, back in 2007 when they transitioned it from a funded library to a volunteer facility.  Reading is so close to my heart that it pains me to see that it is not valued as much in our society today as other entertainment options.  That said, long live the library!! They’ll never stop me from enjoying the benefits of reading a real ink and paper book and enjoying the brick and mortar libraries, no matter what.        

September 28, 2010-Red Slushies and Laundry Room Jackpots

     Some days you are able to cross more things off of your “To Do” list than add to it, and you feel good about the work you are accomplishing and hopeful about the future of it all. Today was one of those days for me.  There’s still a lot to do and a long way to go, but it was a good start.  I look forward to tomorrow and getting closer to my goals work-wise and personally. 
     To top it all off, the day ended by enjoying red slushies with my oldest son and making $11.25 on my laundry that I didn’t know I had lost.  You see, we don’t have convenience stores like in the states, so the addition of the slushy machine at the local AAFES (American Armed Forces Exchange Services) was a big deal to my son and me, and I went home with a red tongue and lips and felt a bit like a little girl again.  Then, as we all have to, I had the mundane task of neglected laundry, dishes, and general cleaning and organizing in my BQ room to take care of tonight, and miraculously, I found over eleven dollars in the dryer when my clothes were all done. 
     Sometimes, it’s the little things like the “You Rock” message I received in my e-mail inbox today when I took the initiative to set up and plan for an important meeting next week, and the good report passed on by our department evaluator from a customer about one of our teacher’s lesson plans for the week. Those little kudos and accomplishments mean a lot, and those small efforts and tasks that sometimes only take a moment of our busy day to complete make all the difference to those they affect directly. If I can contribute to those small efforts, just like cleaning up the trash on Ebeye, then I’m all for it.  Tell me how I can help, even if it means just taking the first step, and I’ll do it. I’m not afraid because I know a little means a lot, especially on a tiny, flat atoll where we have only a small bit to start with and a lot of room to grow. 

September 27, 2010-4-H Ebeye Trash Bash!

     For the third year in a row, we headed to Ebeye today to kick off our 4-H Ebeye Citizenship Club with a school campus clean up or "Trash Bash."  Trash or "Kobej" in Marshallese is handled much differently in the islands than we are used to in the United States. Around every corner and at every store, home, and at every movie theater or fast food restaurant, trash receptacles abound in America.  This is not the case on the tiny island of Ebeye, less than 5 miles from the US Army base of Kwajalein atoll.  When you do encounter a trash can, it is usually one of the largish bins that the trash trucks picks up on their weekly runs, and they are almost always overflowing, and if not, you can be sure to get a face full of flies when you open it to deposit your trash.
     Food trash in the islands way back when was always biodegradable in the form of coconuts, breadfruit, bananas, fish, and palm frond plates to eat it on.  There were no such things as utensils because you ate with your hands, and there was not the abundance of plastic wrapping on processed food, toys, and everyday "luxury" items we use in the states because there was no place to buy these things and no need for them. Then, Asian and Western cultures "discovered" and named the Marshalls and brought in sacks of rice, cans of soda pop, and the commerce of "civilization."  This has in turn brought on a very high incidence of diabetes, a dependence on imports to feed the pollution instead of eating the local "hunter-gatherer" foods, and unfortunately "civilized trash."
    Even though Ebeye has been exposed to this type of modern lifestyle for decades now, throwing trash in a garbage can, recycling, reusing, and reducing waste has not be taught or passed on to upcoming generations as an important part of adopting the "civilized ways" of the world.  They never needed a trash can before. You could just throw it on the ground, and it would become part of the earth once again, and that way of thinking can still be seen when the children from the club last year picked up trash with us for an hour, then promptly threw their lollipop wrappers we distributed as a treat for their hard work right back on the ground they just cleaned up.  Amazing! You don't realize how much your parents and society teach and ingrain in us as Americans until you see this type of behavior and realize that you just grew up knowing that you had to throw trash away, and there was always a trash can available to do so because it's part of our "culture." My boys have been taught to throw garbage in the trash since they were babies, and even today, if they cannot find a trash can, they will ask me what to do with their trash; whereas, a Marshallese child would simply throw it on the ground.  As a result, most of the trash we picked up around the school today was plastic containers and Styrofoam cups from the kids' catered lunches. They sit outside on the concrete porch in front of their classroom and eat, then toss the trash on the ground. We found three bags of trash that someone has actually taken the time to put in the bags, but then they never tied them up or took them to the larger bins to be picked up, so the garbage had spilled back out and maggots were covering it. 
      So, today we talked about citizenship which entails three things as far as our club is concerned and that's "being good neighbors," "protecting the environment," and "making our schools and communities better," and we will hold activities monthly on Kwajalein and Ebeye to get to know each other, share our cultures and traditions, and improve our schools and communities by doing things like the clean-up.  Before going outside, we talked about these things, then had some snacks and read a book called, "The Great Trash Bash" to emphasize why it is important to pick up our trash, and afterwards, we got back on the boat to Kwaj, to our clean, Americanized atoll in the middle of the Pacific.  I realize cleaning up once a year as part of the club doesn't instill a permanent mind set change in the Marshallese. It doesn't solve the pollution problem, but even doing just this little bit makes a big difference. The campus looked so much nicer when we were through, and if helping out every now and again can eventually lead others to do the same and more often, we accomplished our purpose of being good neighbors and helping protect the environment. After all, as Americans, we are learning from our mistakes concerning pollution and trash as we speak, and we simply want to help teach the Marshall Islands how not to make our same mistakes down the road.

September 26, 2010-Sunday Siesta

     When I spent three months in Spain during college, I distinctly remember how the plazas, cafes, and places of business, which were usually so alive and noisy, would shut down completely for siesta or rest time. Even in Madrid, the metropolis capital city, only the cafes would stay open during the early hours of the afternoon right after lunch. I love this concept of taking time to relax in the middle of each day.
     As an American, it is a particularly refreshing concept. We are so trained from birth to go, go, go until we are physically sick at times.  Our country has a strong and admirable work ethic, but we often don’t balance that work ethic with time off and vacations to unwind and de-stress.  That’s the great thing about living on the atoll. Not only do we tend to run a bit more on island time and have more time in general to relax after work and on weekends without the hustle and bustle of the city and responsibilities of stateside life (no away games for our kids’ sports teams, no cars to work on, no yard work or house work to speak of), but we also are given a full month of vacation time with our tickets to the states paid for by the company (which can be very expensive at $1200 a person just to get to Hawaii and no competitors to bring the prices down). 
     This time off the “rock” is particularly crucial when it’s not possible to just take a “road trip” to get away for the weekend. So, we work really, really hard all year long, then play really, really hard for a month to six weeks on vacation in the states or some other exotic or European tourist destination. And on the weekends, well, for me I employ that siesta time that I thought was so clever of the Spanish. Of course, there are busy diving weekends and sailing weekends and so forth, but sometimes you just need to rest, and having only that one day is not always enough, although it will have to do for now.  Today, I had a perfect siesta time with the boys while they played, and then we watched movies together, one of our favorite pastimes on the weekends here if you haven’t noticed already.  And tomorrow it will be go, go, go again as we head to Ebeye for our first Citizenship Club meeting of the school year and clean up at the house we are staying at for the full time resident arrives back tomorrow, and another busy week is fast approaching. 

September 25, 2010-Peace and Play

     This month, we’ve celebrated both Peace Day and the World Day of Play within our school and community. I think it’s perfect that these events are in the same month because peace and play fit so well together. Let me explain. Tonight, the youth of the atoll put together a full two hours of games and fun for the elementary school children in honor of the “World Day of Play.” It included games called “Four Corners,” “Simon Soldier,” “Cat and Mouse,” “Freeze Dance,” and others which employed running, the use of a parachute, following the leader, and just plan fun for everyone. Even in the rain, the event continued; in fact, for most of the kids, the rain was an extra bonus and highlight.
     As a parent, I was not required to stay as paid staff were there to supervise, but it was as exciting for me to watch as it was for my boys to play. A friend and co-worker of mine, who was there to take pictures for the event, was making her own kind of fun taking silly shots of the kids and staff. She started a new trend, “Bubble Blowing Pictures,” which reminded me of the blog another friend of ours started and titled, “Jumping Pictures Will Save the World.” We decided that we needed to add bubble blowing to that list of peace making and world saving pictures. The point of the jumping and bubble blowing pictures is the fun, laughter, and silliness it invokes in all of us, and how good it makes everyone feel while taking the pictures. We had a blast trying to get shots of ourselves blowing bubbles at just the right time while the kids had fun splashing in puddles and hiding under the parachute all together.
    Play time brings peace and happiness to us all.  If we can have fun, laugh, and be silly together, then there’s no room for fighting, calling names, and general discord.  The seriousness of “war” melts in the face of giggling. What’s the saying? Laughter is the best medicine. Well, I believe it!
     It even works in tense moments with my children when they are feeling irritable, making “mad faces,” and using “ugly words” with me. I simply tickle them, plant a bunch of “fast kisses” right under their ears, or make a crazy joke, and the mad faces dissolve, smirks appear, and laughter ensues. Problem solved! I know it’s a solution that is too straightforward and simple for the larger world out there, but within our small communities and families, if we can promote peace through play, why not? It certainly can’t hurt anything, and a day like today when my nose is stopped up, my head hurts, and I’m so tired I can barely stay standing, a little laughter has certainly been good, good medicine, bringing peace to my troubled thoughts from the work day and peace to my heart by reminding me how much fun life is and how easy it is to find that fun through play, silly picture taking, and laughter.

September 24, 2010-Taking the First Step

    

     Maybe I always feel this way the first few weeks in a new job, but once you learn the basics and gain respect for what you can do in the position from your colleagues and supervisors, you forget how challenging it was in the beginning to get up to speed and start making your mark.  Tonight, I feel overwhelmed once again. The funny thing is that the feeling is not about the daily responsibilities on my plate or being able to manage everything I am in charge of handling because I have worked here before, and I feel very comfortable with the everyday “meat” of my job and even with my colleagues as I am not new to them, at least not most of them. The stress today is coming from those we serve in our facility, from the community which is already impressing upon me a pressure to make changes for ongoing issues the department has had in the past.  This is an unfortunate situation to come into, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can make effective and positive changes and come out all the better and happier as a department and within the community for it, but I feel that I am not totally being given a chance to even address issues or forge bonds. encourage healthy communication, and foster positive relationships with the community because of the past. 

     In my mind, we are starting with a clean slate. I want to listen to and understand what issues or concerns the community has, and I want to solve these with everyone’s best interests at heart. I hope that I am feeling overly sensitive right now and that I am misreading the sentiments within the community. I believe that we will be able to talk positively and collaborate to find a happy medium. My aim is to foster trust in our new vision of uncompromising customer service. Everyone has to start somewhere. So, I am ready to take the first step toward a better future, and I have faith it will all work out in the end if we just handle our relationships (work and otherwise) with love, understanding, and compassion and with the children’s health, happiness, educational growth, and well-being as our primary purpose on the atoll.

     You see, life here is not all that different from any other small town in America, but it is important that we are careful with each other, that we are considerate of each other, and that we take the time to see things from another’s perspective before passing judgment. Because I am guilty at times of not taking my own advice about this, I know what it leads to, and it’s nothing good. This place is too small, and we are too close to harbor anger, bitterness, or negative feelings for too long before it will simply isolate us more and tear us apart from the inside. This may seem extreme, but it happens all the time. People often PCS furious about the frustrations they’ve experienced and bitter about their time in the islands, and that’s not how it should be. It’s too unique and wonderful of a place to not enjoy it while you can, so I’ll do my best to help others find that enjoyment at least when it comes to the care and nurturing of their children. Wish me luck! :)

September 23, 2010-Parenting Perils

      Becoming a parent is the most challenging life long event I have ever taken on in my life.  Some might call it the most challenging job they've ever had, and I wouldn't disagree, but it's not something we have to do to survive and support ourselves through this life; it's a choice, a way to enhance our lives and contribute to the survival of human life on earth.  For those of us who have chosen and/or had the privilege of either having children biologically or adopting little ones, I believe we find out very quickly how much more responsibility and how much more understanding and patience it takes to raise them than anything else we've ever done in life. Even for those of us who are teachers of children and have the "education" or "head knowledge" it takes to understand child development, positive ways to discipline, and how to deal with difficult childhood issues, it's never the same when the child is your own.  Every person in this world is so unique, and children are no exception to that.  A technique or strategy that may work to help one child stop biting or potty train does not necessary work with the next child who has that issue. So, even when it's your job to help raise children through a day care or teaching position, it's a constant challenge, but for the parents, it's doubly so because they are investing their whole lives and hearts into their families, into ensuring those precious babies have everything they need and want and experience every advantage in life. 
     It's interesting to think about the presentation yesterday that I wrote about in this blog in relation to interacting with parents as a teacher or service provider.  Work is always better when our hearts and passion are in it, when we enjoy coming every day to work, but in the end, you still go home to family and friends and often leave work totally behind on the weekends, vacations, and when you retire or change careers.  With family, you never leave them behind; it's a "job" and "event" that takes all of your heart, and when you put others in charge of caring for your children when you cannot, you relate to them with you heart.  It's so important to realize that when you "greet" a child each morning or when you take an extra moment to "rub a back" or "give a hug" to a child who's having a rough day, and as much as I hate to admit it, being a parent myself allows me to be more nurturing and more understanding of the children and the parents than I had the capacity to be before my precious boys came along. 
    Moving back from the school age level to working with the little ones has caused me to reflect a lot more on the role of parents in children's lives at this age. And I think at the infant/toddler and preschool level, it is particularly important to take a little extra time with each parent and child to assure them you are doing all you can to make their days without you comfortable and enjoyable because daycare is often their first experiences outside the home, especially for those duel working households. As a parent, you become so used to your babies depending on you for everything from day one when they can't do much but sleep and eat, and they need you to help them with that even, feeding them and making sure they get proper rest. We are one of the few creatures in this world whose babies are so completely helpless for the first several years of our lives, and it causes us to become so attached to our offspring. Your children become a part of you and your heart early on because neither of you have a choice. I remember carrying my first born son around in a baby "front pack" everywhere in the first year of his life. We rode the bike to the store together, and we went to community events like this so often that I began to understand what it felt like to be a marsupial with a "pouch" connected to me that my baby rode around in until he was big enough to walk on his own.  This type of intimate human relationship causes your heart and emotions to become so wrapped up in your babies that you can't imagine anyone else can be to them what you are and have been.  You know what every cry, grunt, funny face, and baby babble means when others struggle to understand what language your sweetheart is speaking. 
     I still find myself feeling that way at times, and my kids are way past that dependent stage. That concept of nobody else being able to do what mom does for them was very hard for me to let go of during the first couple of years after my divorce. I just knew that dad couldn't take care of them the way I could. It's easy to become very controlling about every little detail in raising them, and of course, it's because we are all trying to be the very best parents we can, but at some point, it's like my blog on "control;" you have to let go a bit and depend on your faith. You do the best you can and trust that others will do the same when your children are in their care.  Having children is scary and perilous and wonderful and heart-wrenching, and sometimes the most difficult part is letting go and letting them grow up.  They will make their own choices and lead their own lives some day, and we can be there for them, and we can love them and teach them all they need to know, but the rest is in God's hands.   

September 22, 2010-Treating Employees as Volunteers

     This morning, the head of our department gave a fantastic presentation concerning his vision for where he wants us to go after the recent RIF (reduction in force) and general transition within our specific workplace. In addition, he shared his views and recommendations for how we lead as managers and how we can collaborate to provide “uncompromising customer service” (which has become our vision) as well as maintain morale and enjoyment of our jobs as employees and colleagues. This is something I really needed to hear today.  It’s been a stressful last few weeks for everyone involved in the changes happening in the education department on island, so much so, that my health has even been hit. Yesterday, I felt horrible physically, and I’m definitely coming down with something today, and I can’t help but feel that the stress I’ve been dealing with has weakened my immune system as I’m normally very healthy and do not tend to pick up every little virus the kids that I work with and live with carry throughout the year.
     There are two things that really stood out to me from the presentation today, and one of them is the title of this journal entry.  After introducing the department vision, we discussed who are customers are, and surprisingly, no one in the group spoke up and mentioned our colleagues and direct reports as customers.  I think this is telling. I certainly didn’t think about my colleagues and supervisors this way until today.  But it made sense.  He suggested we treat our employees and colleagues as we would volunteers within our programs.  Volunteers are there because they enjoy helping, because their heart is in it, and they are usually treated with the utmost respect and kindness because they are choosing to be there, not getting paid to be there, and they can leave at any time.  Obviously, as employees, we cannot just leave, and we have certain responsibilities we are required to take care of, but how much more appealing would it be to come to work if we all treated each other with the same type of respect and kindness that volunteers receive?  It’s an ingenious way of thinking about it, and I’m completely on board. 
      It’s kind of like family versus friends or acquaintances. Often, with friends or people we only know from occasionally crossing paths socially, we project an image much like we do with those volunteers; we show our best selves. At the end of the day, when we are back at home and completely comfortable with our closest family members, we take them for granted, projecting our frustrations of the day on them, when they don’t deserve it in the least. I think, on such a small island, where our colleagues often become our close friends and where it’s very likely that you not only work together 10 hours a day, but you also hang out together on all major holidays, we began to see each other like family and take each other for granted in the workplace. It’s easy to fall into this trap, and today was a lovely, gentle reminder of how we can begin to enjoy work again where we might have allowed the stress of it all to take that passion away temporarily.

     The second memorable part of the presentation today was a short, simple concept concerning leadership, breaking it down into two basic ways to lead, by trust or by fear. I believe the world in general operates today way too much by fear. The media thrives on fear, playing on the fears of people to drum up news stories. Terrorists operate out of fear, controlling people by making them afraid to speak out or go against their beliefs. Unfortunately, many supervisors and managers operate their little corporate worlds using fear. If you don’t do it their way, you are threatened with losing your job, so after a while you are afraid to ever speak your mind or ask for what you need work-wise, especially if your boss is always questioning you and your intentions. Trust is such a more appealing way to lead. It’s taking a bit of a risk at times to trust each other and lead with that, but fear is exhausting and stressful for everyone. I believe to lead your life and your workplace with an attitude of trust is the lesser risk than choosing to lead by fear, which will alienate your colleagues and employees from you and take away their enjoyment and passion for the job and thus affect their performance.
     At any rate, I left work today with renewed enthusiasm for what’s ahead and renewed drive to do the very best I can in a field that I have more passion for than I can even express in words. I do enjoy going to work, and I don’t want that to stop. Treating colleagues and employees as volunteers and leading with trust are two ways to ensure that our careers can continue to be not just a job, but a part of our hearts!


  

September 21, 2010- Day By Day

     Sometimes we deal with the world day by day.  Today is one of those days for me.  It’s not because anything particularly difficult happened today or that my day was particularly rough or bad. It just is what it is.  Life is a lot of work, and the future is always uncertain.  The other day I was telling some of the kids in the after school program that being a child is one of the most enjoyable times of life.  As we get older, responsibilities weigh in and things that were such a big deal when we were little are nothing in comparison to what we are faced with in daily life as adults. Of course, I didn’t go into that much detail with the students. I didn’t want to scare them. :)  I simply mean that life only gets tougher as age creeps up on us, so if you can enjoy it day by day and deal with troubles day by day, it will never become too overwhelming, and you’ll lessen your stress and find a greater measure of peace and contentment with the present.  Today, I’m thankful that it’s time for bed and rest.  I need it, and knowing that I don’t have to worry about anything but right now will help me rest soundly.  Tomorrow is a new day!

September 20, 2010-Mondays and Monarchies

     In the states, Monday is traditionally the start of the work and school week, and often bad luck, rainy weather, and generally having a rough day are associated with it as we are all coming off of the high of the weekend, and the next weekend is as far away as it can be for those of us who work regular 5 day a week schedules. Because we are across the International Date Line and live on an American military base, we have a Tuesday-Saturday work week to coincide with the states, unlike all the other Marshall Islands who work Monday-Friday. As I’m sure you’ve figured out already from reading previous entries, that’s one of the many ways Kwajalein and Roi-Namur are extremely unique and like no other place in the world. Another place that is very unique yet intricately connected to the United States is Hawaii.

     Today, I spent a relaxing afternoon reading and watching movies. One of the movies was pretty disappointing, but the other, was extremely fascinating and dealt with the tumultuous history of the royalty of Hawaii in the last days of their Monarchy. “Princess Ka’iulani” is the story of the last princess of the Hawaiian islands, and her struggle to try and save what was left of the native tradition and spirit of the islands before and after the country’s “annexation” to the United States. Hawaii is one of the stop overs all Kwajalein and Roi-Namur residents have to make in order to get to Kwajalein. You have to spend the night on your way out because the one flight that leaves from Honolulu to Kwajalein 3 times a week leaves only at 7 am. On the way back to the states, the one flight that departs 3 times a week leaves at 6 pm, so you don’t get to Hawaii until 2 am their time, and no flights depart at that time for the mainland.
     At any rate, because of our proximity to the Hawaiian islands and the numerous times most residents are required to visit there on their way through, many of us feel like more than tourists, and the “aloha spirit” still so alive and well there today makes it a favorite vacation spot, even for sudo island residents like us. In all my years visiting there, I have always wanted to visit the Iolani Palace, the only palace in the United States, but I still haven’t made the time. Seeing the movie just made me want to go even more to pay respect to the Hawaiian royalty who so graciously welcomed the United States and so many others to their beautiful land despite the fact that our “annexation” of their islands to the U.S. was more of a governmental overthrow than it was a welcome prospect to the natives.
     These traits of generosity, kindness, acceptance, and handling themselves with tremendous dignity and grace must be genetic to Pacific peoples as the Marshallese are much the same way, and it’s definitely something you don’t associate with two historically monarchal societies. Even after having foreigners use their atolls for testing of nuclear bombs and taking over some of their best islands for use as missile defense testing bases as well as one of the world’s largest lagoons as a net to catch these missiles, they are one of the most gracious cultures I’ve ever had the privilege of working for and with. No matter what, they appreciate those outsiders who take the time to get to know them and become involved in their communities, looking for the positive in each difficult situation and handling challenges with grace, flexibility, and compromise when necessary, just as the Hawaiians did under the extreme stress they experienced during their annexation and still today through their thriving tourist industry and careful preservation of their culture and traditions. That’s part of the beauty of living on an atoll, sharing your lives with others who are different from you and learning from them how to appreciate life, individuality, and the uniqueness of our world.

September 19, 2010-Knowing When to Abort

     I had high hopes of diving with my sweetheart today and finding "our" LCM, then coming home to report all about it in this blog, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be, at least not yet.  Before even leaving the dock at the Scuba Shack, I noticed my BCD strap that goes around the tank was twisted. I've had that BCD for over 10 years, so I figured I would have noticed if it was twisted previously, so in my infinite wisdom and experience with Scuba Pro BCDs, I attempted to fix it. It turns out that it was put together wrong in the factory, and the twist was put in there purposely to make it work as it should. My patient dive partner graciously sat on the boat and tried to help until we both started to feel nauseous. Remember, we are still at the dock, and the boat it rocking so much we are feeling sick.  This was to be the first sign that the afternoon would not go as planned and hoped for.  We took the BCD on land, and my boyfriend was finally able to fix what they apparently could not correct in the factory, and I could now operate my BCD the way I should have been able to from day 1.
     By the time we got back in the boat, we had already lost a good amount of time, meaning we might only be able to fit in one dive instead of two.  In an effort to speed things up, we started up the boat and pulled away from the dock on our way to the Lost Tank dive site where we originally discovered the LCM.  During the ride, I completed getting my gear ready to go. This includes hooking up my BCD and regulator to the tank and turning the air on.  My computer has had a little glitch since the beginning in that it takes over 15 minutes to register the full amount of air in my tank on the digital computer screen. We've sent it in for servicing, and it still came back the same.  It's not been a problem or safety issue as far as diving, just a pain because it takes so long to register the correct amount of air.  This time, as I turned on the air and checked my dive computer screen, something didn't seem right to me.  It was loading unusually slow, but it was registering that air was in the tank, so I figured maybe I just needed to be more patient and stop watching it load.  I didn't say anything to my boyfriend as we were already getting off to a rocky start with the dive, and I really thought it would be fine.  This was to be the second sign that something wasn't right today.
     Once we hit the site on the GPS, we threw in anchor and swiftly began dragging in the sand.  After pulling up the anchor and repositioning the boat, we tried again, without success, I might add. Now, all of this throwing in the anchors and then driving the boat forward to pull up the anchors again can be quite time consuming, especially when I have to drive the boat as I am not very adept at it yet. To top it all off, it was windy and choppy on the water.  Neither of us had taken any seasickness medicine, and we'd had little to eat since breakfast, so this was not a good thing on our tummies. We really just wanted to get in the water.  I figured the third attempt would be a charm, and it was to some extent.  We were still dragging a bit, but not too fast, so if we hurried and got in the water, we could get down to the bottom and re-set the anchor to a better place and finally dive as we'd been wanting to do all afternoon. Unfortunately, sign number 3 cropped up about this time.  As I got my gear together and my boyfriend was just about to flip into the water, I checked my slow loading computer.  It was stuck at a little over 1000 PSI. A full tank like the one I had hooked up to my computer, would read 3000+ PSI. We checked the tank before leaving, and this is what it had in it, so something was seriously wrong with my computer. Since it was a deep dive, it would not be safe for me to dive with a computer that was registering only 1000 PSI, and I didn't bring my old back-up computer. It  was time to abort the dive. There were just too many signs, my boyfriend said, we were not meant to be in the water today.
     I was terribly disappointed, but everyone has days when nothing seems to go right, and it would have been better to stay in bed.  We tried to make the most of it, though, by heading back to the Scuba Shack and enjoying the lunch my sweetie had made for us while relaxing by the beautiful Pacific, and as we sat and discussed all the things that went wrong, it made me remember something I had been reading in a book on the plane that morning.  The book is called "Surviving Paradise: One Year on a Disappearing  Island" by Peter Rudiak-Gould, and it's about a World Teach volunteer's life on Ujae atoll in the Marshall Islands.  In it, he describes how he went sailing on a traditional Marshallese outrigger canoe.  The Marshallese way still permeates our everyday lives here on Kwajalein and Roi-Namur, although maybe not in such an extreme way as we would experience living on an outer island like many of the World Teach volunteers.
     For example, the marina rental boats here constantly have engine problems. When we let the Marshallese marina manager and attendants know about the problems, they will show and tell us tricks for how to make it work better, such as revving the throttle a few times before putting it into full gear. This is just like the outrigger canoe sailors on Ujae, who figured out a way to rig the mast back up using only the ropes they already had with them on the boat.  They are so used to doing without certain luxuries, such as the money and actual resources to fix things that are broken that they automatically go to alternate ways of dealing with the situation, and they are not easily rattled or angered by these situations, like Americans tend to be. We are used to having everything and having it in relatively short order.  We are used to being able to take our problems to someone and have them fix it properly because that's what expected in a powerful, rich, highly infra-structured country like the US.  But there are many things to learn from the Marshallese, such as laughing at the little annoyances of life and figuring out a way to make things work until we can find a better or more effective, long-lasting solution. The island way of making do with what you have and not letting it take away your enjoyment of life is what I remembered when dealing with my own insignificant American frustrations today.  No, life on the atoll is not always idyllic, but it has its advantages, and after more than a decade here, the ways of the island have become as much a part of my heart and mind as the island itself has become my second home.

September 18, 2010- Weekend Bliss!

     My two boys, who are only 6 and 8 years old, have already learned to appreciate the coming of the weekend.  It’s not that they don’t enjoy school or all the other myriad of after school activities and sports they participate in, but weekends are just so liberating. There’s a more relaxed schedule; you can sleep in and just lie on the couch and watch TV all day if you want, and there’s plenty of time to spend with friends doing the things you love to do.  This week, Saturday came around pretty quickly, as we were so busy that we didn’t have time to think about what day it was before it was over and time to get ready for tomorrow, but that doesn’t make the coming weekend any less appealing to us all. 
     I will be heading back up to Roi-Namur tomorrow to do some diving and spend some much needed time with my honey.  Work has been so hectic for both of us the last week or so that we hardly had a chance to even chat or catch up on our lives.  The boys will be with their dad this weekend, spending some much needed time in their own beds since they’ve been with me in our friend’s home off and on for the past weekend and throughout the week.  It’s simply not as relaxing for them to be out of the only home they’ve ever known, and I understand that. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight too. 
     So, the weekend is off to a good start, getting some much needed rest and looking forward to new adventures to share with you tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll be able to add to our Lost Tank dive discoveries or at least write about the fantastic underwater world I am so lucky to be allowed to dive in and enjoy.  It’s all part of life on an atoll, where Sunday and Monday are the weekend days, but our week days are no less chaotic than the rest of the world.  So, goodnight, sleep tight, and I hope you too experience weekend bliss!  

September 17, 2010- Waiting and Walking in Faith

     I suppose we all go through times in our lives when there are more questions than answers. The past few years have been that way for me, and at first, it was very frustrating and at times, very depressing. I didn’t cope well with not having all the answers. I needed to be able to see into the future and to control it, and I simply couldn’t.

     As I have grown in maturity and faith, I have learned to wait and walk in faith and become content with that, as least much more content than I used to be. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. Believe that everything is going to work out and wait for a change, wait for things to ease up, or wait for an answer to reveal itself. It is definitely an exercise in faith because what else do you have to go to when you don’t have the answers, and you cannot control the circumstances or the outcome?
     I remember reading in so many devotionals in the beginning of my most recent trials that God wants to carry our burdens for us, and when you can truly give over those burdens and depend on Him entirely, those troubles and unanswered questions become so much easier to deal with. Unfortunately for me, at the time of those studies, I was so wrapped up in trying to solve my own problems, and so attached to living with the problems, it was like having another child to care for in my life. Because of this, I could not hand them over to God, but eventually, I became too tired to carry them, and as stubborn as I am, I had to let go. I didn’t have enough strength on my own, and there was no solution, so I was tearing myself apart for nothing. 
    I think that’s probably one of the most detrimental parts of our human nature, that we feel the need to control everything and handle everything all on our own.  The problem with this is we often become obsessed with controlling not only our lives, but others as well, and that usually brings more trouble than anything. As Americans, I suppose we are raised to be very independent and not ask for help, which can lead to these control issues because if it’s all our responsibility, then we learn not to depend on anyone and who else will take care of it if we don’t control everything in our lives?
     But, I think control is also genetic.  Take my youngest son, for example, since the day he was born, he’s wanted to be in charge and control of everything.  At 3 months old, he sat in my mom’s arms screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night for his milk when there had never been a day in his life I hadn’t provided what he needed when he needed it. Today, it’s the little things, like taking his plate to the table and placing it exactly where he wants it or being the one to tell us when he needs to go potty instead of being told by someone else to go try.  He wants to be the one in control of it all, and at times, I find it very stressful, for him.  I am working on teaching him to relax about those little things because life will only become much more difficult if he continues to approach it by trying to control it.  I might have thought all children were this way if I hadn’t already raised a little boy for two years before he came along, and my oldest is very different. He still wants to be in control of certain things, but it’s not the same as his brother. 
     Point being, needing and wanting control over our lives is basic human nature, for some more than others, but present in everyone.  The awesome part is that as humans we also have free will, the ability to make choices, and the ability to reflect, gain insight into ourselves, and change and improve those parts of our selves we sometimes allow to rule our lives over everything else.  Thank God for faith and for someone and something to put it in.  Giving up my obsession with controlling my life has been one of the most liberating things I have done and do, sometimes daily, as it’s easy to slip back into old thinking patterns and start trying to control again until the stress sets in, and I realize what I’m doing and let go once more. 

September 16, 2010-Book Club Night!

     I don’t remember the first book club meeting I attended or the first book read for that meeting because book club has become as integral a part of my island life as the unchanging seasons and substituting items from my original dinner recipes due to missing ingredients at the store.  Although some of the people in the club have changed, and the books have certainly run the gamut in genres the past 12 years I’ve been involved in it, the purpose, enthusiasm, and monthly discussion sessions which keep us all reading and attending are the same! So, tonight, I look forward to the first book club meeting of the 2010-2011 season. 

     It has always run really smoothly according to the simple plan of reading 9 books a year and discussing them at monthly meetings, taking the summer months off. Each month we meet at one club member’s house and enjoy appetizers, desserts or sometimes a whole dinner, along with a glass or two of wine and fabulous conversation. The best thing I’ve discovered about it over the years, and I believe this goes for everyone in the club, is the diversity of the group.  Most of the ladies involved do not hang out regularly or even see each other all that often outside of the monthly meetings, and on an island less than 3 miles long, that’s a pretty big deal.  Sometimes the isolation gets to you, and the fact that you can’t even go to the store after work without seeing and greeting half the community which you’ve just seen at work or at the kid’s sports games, gets a little old.  Sometimes you just want to be anonymous. But book club, like reading books to get away, brings us out of that rut.  It helps us escape everyday life, enjoy “new company,” and immerse ourselves in the adventures we’ve just finished enjoying in the written word instead of complaining about the troubles of living on a small town “Americanized” atoll. 

     I don’t always finish the books each month as life and work get in the way of my reading habits, but I still try to attend each meeting for the good company of friends and of course, the yummy homemade goodies. Surprisingly, it’s easy to get overscheduled living here as there’s so many volunteer opportunities, activities, events, pot-lucks, and more you can get involved in thinking you have so much more time here than in the states until you’ve filled up all your times and have none left. That said, book club is top priority for me. If I have to give up another activity because it will take away too much from my at home reading time or book club, I’ll give it up because reading is something that nourishes my intellect and my soul in a way not many other activities can do, and if we don’t make time for what we love, pretty soon, we won’t love anything anymore, and our lives and attitudes towards others and ourselves will show it.  So, I hope that you will take the time tonight to do something you love, simply because you love it! :)       

September 15, 2010-Challenges, Communication, and Collaboration

    

I have to say that training for a job in a department I have worked for previously and in which I have lived surrounded by the small island community it encompasses for the past 13 makes the transition in some ways much harder than I anticipated. Isn’t that the way of life? We always think we are prepared for what we are walking into, but when we get there, it’s always more challenging than expected.  When I begin a new job, I jump in running and immediately asking the questions of what, where, when, how, and why in relation to how the job works and the tasks I can take on right away and devote 110% to doing the very best I can to ensure everything is being accomplished in the most efficient and effective manner and with a positive, go-getter, problem solving attitude.  That’s just me, and today, I struggled with having a clear picture of how I will be able to immediately contribute to my new position in this way, how I will help resolve certain problems or issues, and how I can devote myself enthusiastically to a job that I have no doubt I can do, but for which I don’t know where to start. 

         

We are in the middle of a transition on the atoll, and the department I am going to work for has just suffered a great loss of a central employee and leader through the reduction in force which occurred at the beginning of the month, and they are now welcoming in new employees not just for positions recently vacated voluntarily, but also to help carry the load of what has been lost in manpower, so I need to “slow my roll,” so to speak.  I am coming in with all my ideas and my thoughts for how I can immediately jump in and help carry the load and be a positive addition with handling any necessary changes, and I’ve forgotten to allow everyone to get used to me being there first, used to me taking on the role of a colleague who’s been with them for several years now. So as much as my communication and collaboration are strong points, if I forget to listen to the heart of the organization and the people in it now, in the midst of this great transition time for them, why would they have any desire to listen to me and my ideas to help and collaborate with them later?

     So I will take a step back tomorrow, recognizing my nervous anxiety about the upcoming position has caused me to approach things in a “jumping the gun” type manner and instead I will just soak it all in. This may mean simply reestablishing relationships with my co-workers and making sure that the duties which do not change during this restructuring will be handled as if there was no change in employee to ease the transition as that is what’s best for everyone, not just me, and that’s what communication and collaboration is about, allowing everyone to participate in the conversation and working together to deal with the everyday challenge of running and sustaining a department on a tiny atoll in the middle of the Pacific.    

The fact that I don’t know where to start is frightening and overwhelming to me.  And yes, this is typical with a new job, but this is a job that I have talked about moving into for years, a job where I already knew the duties more fully than any other job I’ve come into cold turkey, a job that I have been told more than once that I am “perfect for.”  So tonight, when I considered what I would write my journal about, I decided that I need to write in a more positive tone than my mind has been in for the past couple of days. Writing has always helped me to move from my negative thought processes to a more positive outlook, so it’s time to make that move.  I need to stop worrying about what I’m not sure about, what I’m unclear about, and start focusing on what I know I’m good at, which is communication and collaboration.  These are the two tools which will help me the most in facing the challenges of my new job. With communication, I am able to talk about those things that I need help with and with collaboration, I can come up with a plan to tackle the challenges and not have to do it alone.

    

The other thing I need to remember is that change is difficult, for everyone involved, and not only are things changing for me in my schedule and in some ways, my every day life, but for all those I am working with and for now.  To help me remember this, I only need to spend an hour or two with my youngest child, who can be shaken so easily by transitions and change of the smallest sort, just like last night where the tears began flowing over the fact that there was no macaroni and cheese left when he had been told there was.  Instead of being flexible and realizing that there was no shortage of food, and he could easily choose another food item to eat if he was still hungry, it was the principal of change that threw him for a loop. That’s not what he was expecting, so it upset him, Over the years, I’ve learned that during the times when I can’t prepare him ahead of time for a transition or change, I simply need to give him a few extra minutes to process and adjust, and he’ll be fine. I think this is where I’ve failed the last couple of days at work. I haven’t allowed myself and my new co-workers the time to adjust to the changes before attempting to introduce more.

September 14, 2010-Brain Mush!

     Tonight, my brain is mush.  For once, a topic to write about is just not there, not coming to mind.  There’s plenty of things swirling around in my head, but nothing that I feel I can adequately put into words that would make any sense to my readers.  It’s like trying to describe a dream to a friend, you know, one of those dreams where one minute you’re swimming in the ocean with friends and the next you’re flying in an airplane with strangers, and finally you’re back at home with people who you know but that don’t look like they do in real life.  That’s where my brain is right now, going in a bunch of different directions without one clear topic to ponder for more than a minute or two. 

     For example, I started training for my new job today; I’ve been thinking a lot about the possibility of getting a house finally and how that is all going to work out with when the boys will be with me and when they will be with dad as well as how my schedule will work since the job I’m transferring too has very different hours than the school job I’ve coming from; I also got a call for a job interview today for a civil service position, so I’ve been thinking about that as well. It seems that when it rains it really does pour, whether it’s in the area of opportunities and open doors or challenging situations and closed doors. So many things are still up in the air for me right now. Hopefully they will settle down soon, but knowing life and how it tends to take you by surprise, I’m sure once I’m through this period of transition, I’ll have an entirely new one to devote my worries and time to.  :) 

     Then, of course, there’s plans for the future.  I can’t go very long without pondering the future and how that’s going to work out as a single mom going back to the states where the economy is horrible right now and job prospects are even worse.  Aiiiiyiiiiyiiii! Sometimes, it’s just all too much, and I need to sleep to shut my brain down for a bit and reboot. I am very thankful that I can do that unlike so many who cannot sleep when they have a lot on their mind.  For me, it’s always been a way to clear it out and start fresh later. Early morning tomorrow on the new job with the new hours, so I better get going and turn off my “computer” for that all important re-boot! :)

    

September 13, 2010- Relaxation Day

     According to my oldest son, today was “relaxation day.” This was said with much excitement as even 8 year olds need time to just chill occasionally. Yesterday was fairly lazy, but we did attend a couple of events and spent several hours outside of the house, so today was truly a lazy day. I didn’t take a shower until after 1 pm, and the boys stayed in their pajamas until I finally made them get dressed around 3 pm, so we could run some errands. So, what did we do on “relaxation day?” Well, the boys mostly watched Looney Tunes and the movies we rented for the second and third times, and my oldest played his DSI Pokemon game as the youngest is on restriction from playing games right now. I, on the other hand, completed an almost 600 page book that I needed to finish before my book club meeting this week. It is a fictional serial killer murder mystery, and I knew all those who had finished it at the meeting would want to talk about it in detail, and I didn’t want to risk having the ending spoiled for me as it had just started to get really exciting.
     I used to feel guilty if the boys spent a whole day watching movies and playing games, especially if I was involved in my own pursuits as well, such as reading all day, but I realized that we all need those days of doing nothing. I think I felt guilty mostly because I didn’t and still don’t have a place to stay with them on my own permanently, so it becomes a matter of making the most of every minute with them when I have a chance to be with them. Now, I am still in the same situation, but running them around like crazy everywhere and trying to pack in the most “quality activities” I can in one weekend, is not always best for everyone. There are still plenty of times when we spend the days camping, snorkeling, and staying busy, but it doesn’t have to be every weekend for me anymore. Today, reiterated that to me as the boys got so excited to show me their favorite parts of the movies we rented and as they cuddled up next to me in the oversized chair in the living room to watch all together. I love when I have a place to hold relaxation day with them!

September 12, 2010- Seeing the World Through a Child’s Eyes

     I’ve spent the better part of last night and today renting and watching kid movies with my boys. Honestly, we haven’t just vegged out and watched movies together for quite some time. It’s not all we did as we started the day with Sunday School and hit the Putt-Putt golfing event they put on every so often at the golf course. It’s a cute little 9 holer that the golf course manager sets up on the small putting green near the clubhouse. He’s very inventive though as the challenges include hitting the ball through a large piece of PVC piping which runs over a small fence from one of the tee-boxes across the walkway and onto the putting green where the hole lies. A particular favorite for my youngest son is the “toilet bowl” hole where a red toilet seat marks the entrance to and surrounds the target. There’s also the water hazzard hole with the small plastic baby pool to launch your ball over to hit your mark. It’s small and simple, but loads of fun for the kids. They also usually set up the bounce house and sell hot dogs and such in the club house, so you can make an afternoon of it, and the kids can play as much as they want all for no charge. The only downside is that it takes place in the middle of the afternoon from 1-4, so it’s quite hot. In addition, the golf course is not short ride from the housing area on the island, and upon returning, the boys simply wanted to rest for awhile, and the movie watching resumed where we left off the night before.
     There’s a lot to be said for kid’s movies these days. I love children’s books and have been disappointed in the past by the movies made from the most popular of these books, but there’s just as many that I absolutely love, mostly because of how much fun I have enjoying them with the boys. Tonight, we are watching “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” which had to add a good bit to make a full length movie from the book, but even before the movie, it’s always been a favorite of mine, my kids, and most of the children I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading it to. One of the second grade classes even did a mini unit on the book in class last year as a fun activity when they were done with their other work.
     What I love about reading kid’s books, writing them, and watching movies made for children is that it helps me go back and view the world through a child’s eyes. For example, tonight as we started watching the boys commented on their favorite part of the movie (as they’ve seen it a few times before), and it was when the two main characters get to jump in a house made of Jello! And if we adults stop long enough to think about that, we’d appreciate that part the most too. Doesn’t it sound like fun? It’s whimsical; it’s creative, imaginative, and just plain funny to think about and watch on the big screen or to picture in our minds. Seeing the world through a child’s eyes is the stuff of our best dreams, our silliest moments when our “giggle boxes” get turned over, and we just can’t stop laughing, and it feels good. There’s rarely a time when at the end of watching movies with my kids or reading books to them at bedtime that I have any lingering heaviness from the day, that I don’t feel more relaxed, that I haven’t improved my health by laughing and daydreaming together with them. It’s another form of therapy that I wouldn’t give up for the world! Gotta get back to the movie...one of my favorite parts is coming up soon!

September 11, 2010-Where were you when...

     Next year will mark the 10th anniversary of the tragic events of September 11, 2001. On the news today, they were asking for viewers’ stories of that awful, awful day. Here’s my story. I was living on the atoll at that time, married and pregnant with my first child. He was due on December 7, which people kept referring to as D-day because that was the day Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese and hence the start of WWII for Americans. I did not particularly like the idea that the only thing people could think about when I told them the due date of my son, was that it was D-day, which happened some 60 years before, and I wonder sometimes if that’s how people whose birthdays or anniversaries lie on September 11 before the World Trade Center bombings feel. I agree it’s something we don’t want to forget, but let’s also celebrate victories and successes that occur on that day instead of only focusing on the tragedies associated with it.
     Getting back to my story, I was about 6 months pregnant, and the construction shop was at the time working on the eaves of my house, which were crumbling over the porches on both the first and second floor, so they boarded up all the front windows entirely, and it caused the house to be covered in darkness even in the middle of the day. My husband received a call while we were still in our early morning REM sleep cycles as the events of the day happened several hours before the sun rose here on the atoll. The call was from a co-worker who had already seen the news that morning and told him to turn on the TV. We were, of course, shocked and awed, and weren’t even sure if work on the atoll would continue that day, but nonetheless, it did, to some extent.
     After my husband left for work, I was left in the dark of the boarded up “windowless” house, which was depressing in itself, and the only thing I could think about was the fact that we were bringing a child into a world that no longer seemed safe, a world where people could plan, execute, die for, and defend such acts of terror and hatred. What kind of world was that in which to raise a child, I wondered. In the meantime, work on the base continued, but the base itself was completely locked down to all outsiders, including the 1,000 plus Marshallese employees who came from Ebeye each day to run the stores, chow hall, snack bar, and so much more. All of a sudden, Kwajalein was a ghost town with only Ri-belle faces to be found at the registers and performing the blue collar labor normally taken care of by our RMI neighbors.
     It was a couple of days before anyone was allowed from off island again, and things gradually returned to normal or as normal as they can be after such as event. To this day, there’s part of me that would like to visit New York, to see the damage for myself. Sometimes living so far away from the rest of the American world makes it all seem so unreal, like a movie instead of real life. The other part of me wants to just continue to move forward and pray for a better future, for a resolution to the hatred, violence, and religious turmoil in the world. This is the part of me that wanted others to simply congratulate me on the upcoming due date of my child instead of telling me that it was D-day. This is the part of me that wants the media to stop focusing so much on the negative and playing off of people’s fears instead of balancing their stories with encouragement for the future and the inspiration that can be found in life every day if you simply take the time to stop and look.
     Either way, I can appreciate that we need to honor those who gave their lives, unknowingly or not, in such a horrific event, and I can understand why we need to remember, so we will continue to be diligent to protect our freedoms and our country from threats to our lives and future. And I wanted to write this journal to share my experience from that day because as far removed as I was from the events, it still shook me to the core and made me question life in general and our future in it, but I am so happy to be able to say today that we rose above it all as a country and as families and friends and Americans. No one promises us that life will be easy, and it’s times like September 11 that can either bind us together or tear us apart, and I’m proud to say that the ties that bind are strong, and we did not give up or let it destroy us. If nothing else, let us celebrate that today, we are strong and capable and able to go through one of history’s most senseless acts of violence against innocent citizens and come out better for it in the end. Don’t you think that’s what honors most those whom we’ve lost, the fact that we have learned from this event and grown closer and stronger because of it. I do.

September 10, 2010-New Day, New Job, New Life

     Today and tomorrow will be my final two days as the full time ELL teacher for the K-6 grade at George Seitz Elementary School. I will begin training with and shadowing my predecessor beginning on Tuesday. (We work a Tuesday-Saturday work schedule here to coincide with the states for conducting business as we are a little less than one full day ahead due to our location across the International Date Line.) Already, as I do with any new job, event, or activity coming up in my future, I have begun planning and brainstorming things I would like to contribute to my new workplace and the people I will be training and working with and for. I do this by talking things out with my new colleagues (fortunately for me living on such a small island and having worked in my new department previously, I know most of them already), and I start making to do lists and schedules. I have to think and talk and write things out to sort everything it all in my mind and move forward in a clear and effective direction.
     My organization skills, attention to the little details, and communication are definitely my strengths, and I want to play to these and use them to help out in any and every way I can in my new job. I have also found over the years in various jobs that my willingness to just jump in and do what it takes as well as work collaboratively with others, makes all the difference in affecting positive change as well as earning the respect of and a rapport with my colleagues. So, today, I am excited for the challenges ahead and for going back to work with old friends as well as making a few new ones. It’s a new day, new job, and just maybe a new life because of the possibility to finally obtain housing with my boys on the island after 3 long years without this luxury. Say your prayers for me tonight as that would be a dream come true which includes a job I look forward to going to each day, a boyfriend who is so much more than I could ever have dreamed of in a life partner, and to have a home with my 2 sweet boys and all on a beautiful atoll in the middle of the Pacific where life is safe, secure, and peaceful.

September 9, 2010-Putting it All into Perspective

     If I could be underwater enjoying the wonders of the ocean or cuddling with my children while we talk about our favorite part of the day with smiles and laughter every day, then I could keep the clouds of frustration and disappointment from ever dampening my door, and I would know complete peace all the time, but alas, most days I am landlocked on a tiny island far from the rest of the outside world, and some days my children are whiny and over-tired and generally grumpy and fighting, and today has been one of those days for me. I admit, I let it all frustrate me more than I probably should, but it’s been a long 3 years, living like a gypsy away from my kids, and tonight I tried to have some time with them in a friend’s home who is currently on vacation and graciously offered his house to me for house-sitting and hanging out with my kids while he was away, but tonight was just not a good night for it, and the funny thing is, I felt it going downhill before it even started.
     First, the boys didn’t want to take a shower somewhere besides their own shower, then they didn’t want to sleep somewhere that wasn’t their bed, and although I can relate to all these things, we’ve been living this way together for a long while now, and you would think it would get easier with time, but the fact is, it doesn’t, and I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for things to change; I’m tired of depending on others and begging others to help me solve my problem of not having a house to live in with my kids as it is my right as their mother and by law with 50% joint custody. I’m tired of working so hard and giving 110% to everything I do career-wise and feeling like I’m getting nowhere in regards to bettering life and providing a viable future for my boys and myself. It’s been one of those days.
     So, what did I do when the boys said they didn’t want to stay with me at my friend’s house? Well, I took them home, to their dad’s home, to the only home they’ve ever had with either of us and formerly with both of us, and that in itself tastes like vinegar in my mouth at times. I stayed with them until bedtime, making sure they got their baths and were settled in, and what did I get in return for that, not that I was asking or expecting anything in return. I got apologies from my oldest son for not wanting to stay the night with me in a strange place. I got giant legs wrapped around my waist with hugs and smiles from my little one and even a “I wanted to stay with you” comment at the last minute as I got ready to leave, and I got support from their father that it will get better and that he would help me achieve my goal to have a place to be with them in whatever way he can. And for today, that’s so much more than enough. Who else can say that they are amicable with their ex’s? No, our relationship as a divorced couple who share custody is not perfect, and it’s not always conflict free, but it’s so much better than most, so much better than what it could have turned out to be. And who else can say they have as much time with their children daily as I do because of the lifestyle of living on an atoll, even those who are not divorced rarely experience the quality time I have with my kids because life in the states is so non-stop crazy at times. Who else can say they have an 8 year old son who is so insightful and thoughtful about an awkward adult situation to come to his mom and apologize for something that’s not even his fault simply because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings?
     At the end of day, no matter what, I am blessed. Even as I sit in this friend’s house by myself tonight and write this, I am blessed beyond measure, and I must remember that on these days, when frustration sets in, and it would be so much easier to just cry and complain, I must focus on the blessings and stand strong and patient and faithful, knowing there is a reason for everything and “a time for every purpose under heaven.” Don’t you just love that Beetles song? Goodnight, my little atoll and my little darlings. Tomorrow is another day, and we’ll simply try again.

September 8, 2010- Ri-Katak Ramblings

     Ri-Katak is the Marshallese word for “person who studies,” roughly translated. Katak is the word for study and Ri is a type a prefix meaning “person,” so it’s like the English word “student” in this case. Another example of the use of the word Ri would be Ri-belle (white person), Ri-Majol (Marshallese person) and Ri-kaki (teacher or person who teaches). The students who attend school on Kwajalein, but reside on the nearby island of Ebeye are called Ri-Katak students. The Ri-Katak program here on Kwajalein was started back in the late 1980’s to foster positive relationships between the base and their host nation. The main focus of the program is to contribute to the education of the Marshallese by allowing 5 students from Ebeye to enter into the Kwajalein School System each year.
     In order to do this, there is a screening process at the end of every school year to choose the 5 students out of the top 25 students at the Ebeye schools who have completed a year of kindergarten on Ebeye to come to Kwajalein the following school year. So, at any given time, we could have up to 65 Marshallese students commuting from their home island every day to attend K-12 classes on Kwajalein. As the program has grown over the years, other on island activities have been added to support their educational and all around development, such as the CYSS (Child, Youth, and School Services) sports program for K-6th graders and privileges such as participating in Youth Center activities after school instead of taking the LCM straight back home as when the program fist began and school events were the only ones sanctioned for them to participate in.
     As far as our sports programs go, Ri-Katak participation has actually become vital to its success as the population here decreases and fewer children are signing up for after school sports than we used to see. It’s an important program we want to help preserve, especially in these very uncertain transition times on the island, so we decided to set up a meeting with Ri-Katak parents and children on their home island of Ebeye tonight to talk to the parents about the CYSS programs, fill out registration paperwork, and generally answer questions parents may have and encourage them to come over and support their kids sporting and after school events. Last year, I began these meetings in relation to the school and the children’s academic success specifically, and they were very successful, so this year we are expanding the meetings to include CYSS because it’s beneficial to the students as well as Kwajalein’s programs to have the students be well-rounded, participating in academic, athletic, and after schools clubs and such.
     For me, the Ri-Katak program has become somewhat of a “baby” to me, career-wise. I have always been very involved in education in the Marshall Islands, starting with my professorship at the College of the Marshall Islands over 12 years ago, and filtering into other college English and teaching programs as well as professional development for RMI (Republic of the Marshall Islands) teachers and finally, the last couple of years, working with the children of the adults I’ve taught on Ebeye for so many years. Because so much of my life and career has been dedicated to education in the RMI, I have a hard time living here and performing a job that does not contribute to that in some way or another. In other words, whenever I do not have an opportunity to work or help on Ebeye for a period of time, I begin to really miss it. That means even when my job does not directly require it, I always find a way to bring Ebeye back to me.
     Before my job here at the school, I was the 4-H Liaison for CYSS, and I started an Ebeye Citizenship Club between the older elementary kids here and there, helping them get to know each other and share their culture and traditions in a fun and educational way. Last year, I became heavily involved in helping with the Ri-Katak kids after school and assisting them in the classroom as the ELL (English Language Learning) teacher, and now I am in transition, job-wise, again, but the Ri-Katak families and the rest of the Marshallese living on Ebeye will always be a part of me, and I will continue to serve them in whatever way possible and make their experiences with Kwajalein and Americans the most positive I can as they’ve made my years here the most inviting and memorable.
     I was telling my colleagues last night on the walk back to the boat that I’m always up for scheduling a work or play trip to Ebeye as it’s like a “vacation” for me. I know that sounds funny because I’m usually on business when I’m there, but it’s my home away from home; it’s a respite from the sometimes isolating “small town” life on Kwaj that can just get under your skin. I always feel welcome on Ebeye. I am trusted by my friends and colleagues there, and I know how I serve there does and can make a difference, and more than that, it’s appreciated in ways that touch my heart unlike any other job has ever been able to do. Life is not easy for them on Ebeye, which is often called the “slum of the Pacific” due to it’s third world conditions, and especially for the families who live between two cultures daily with a job or school on an American military base, and a personal and family life in the heart of the RMI on the evenings, holidays, and weekends. So, hat’s off to my Ebeye friends and the Ri-Katak families. You are truly incredible, and keep up the good work! You and your kids are fantastic!

September 7, 2010- The Crater and Lost Tank Diving Part 3

     As we biked to the Scuba Shack on Roi today, we noticed the trade winds were picking up, and once we were on the water, we certainly felt it, but it did not deter us from diving the site known as “The Crater.” This is a large round coral head with a sandy patch in the middle which can be seen from the surface of the water on a calm day. As we headed down to the sandy spot, we watched a shark and two eagle rays swim by on the outskirts. Normally, this area is teeming with sea life like the sharks and rays, but today, these were the only ones we saw the entire dive. All around the coral head, the ocean drops to unknown depths, but in order to get the most out of our dive, we hung around 30-60 feet, so we could examine the life chomping on the coral all around.
     Lately, I’ve been fascinated by the abundance of the black and green crinoids growing on the reefs around Roi-Namur. A crinoid is also known as a sea lily or feather star with a mouth on the top surface surrounded by feeding arms that flow with the current underwater. They can pull these arms in to form a fairly tight ball as they sometimes do when touched, but more often their arms will stick to your glove when gently putting a hand out, and you have to be careful not to pull away too hard as part of the arm may come with you. Although they appear to me to be attached to the coral of the reef, they are mostly free swimming. Upon learning this, my boyfriend told me that actually had one attach to him one time while diving, which I didn’t know they could do before hand or I might have been more careful about touching them to begin with. :)
     In addition to these creatures, I stopped for some time to watch a network pipefish, which is a cross between a seahorse in the face and an eel in the body. It’s a tiny little thing, but fascinating to watch, especially since he didn’t seem to even know or care that I was so close. While I was playing with the pipefish, one of our dive partners was snapping pictures of a beautiful filefish, and in the midst of this action, a school of barracudas swam by my boyfriend. So, despite the fact that this was tame compared to the activity normally found in this spot, there was still plenty to see.
     I love to see the Peacock and Greasy Groupers swim around as they are less skittish than some of the smaller fish, and of course, the colorful butterfly fish are always lovely to see. Finally, I noticed an abundance of black fish with yellow outlining on the dive today, and upon going home to look them up, I figure it’s probably a type of surgeon fish, but I can’t be certain. I guess it may be time to find appropriate underwater housing for my point and shoot camera, so I can begin taking pictures and ramp up my fish identification skills. :)
     Remember the LCM we found at the “Lost Tank” dive site some weeks ago? Well, today we decided to try and locate that LCM again as we never had a chance to mark its spot exactly while looking for and retrieving the tank on the two previous dives. As we headed down to the sandy bottom of the lost tank site, we noticed the water was even murkier than usual. We moved in a square pattern searching at least 4 different coral heads for the dumped wreck, coming up empty this time. We did see some sort of man made ladder or platform at about 100 feet buried in the sand and thought something else might be near by, but it was a false alarm. Somehow, we got our bearings off and will have to try again another day. The main problem is the depth of the dive. We have limited time down there, so we’ll have to narrow down the spots where we’ve been and start a new search next time as it’s most likely one of the many dumping grounds for equipment from WWII like the airplane graveyard, so WHEN we find the LCM again, there’s no telling what else we’ll come across nearby. Anyway, a lot of the fun is in the search and seeing what’s down there, so we’ll keep trucking until we find what we’re looking for. More to come another day...