When was the
last time someone told you they were proud of you?
It was
probably about two years ago by now, and it came in the most unexpected way for
me. I was out in the back alley of my
house on Kwaj, on the edge of my yard weeding and raking up leaves. (Yes, even on a tropical island there are
leaves to rake and weeds to pull, all year long, in fact!) A woman walked by or
maybe she rode by on her bike and stopped when she saw me-can’t remember
exactly now, although I will always remember the sentiment spoken. She is a teacher
who has lived and worked on the island much longer than I ever did. She was
there WAY before I arrived and as far as I know, she is still there. She tends to know everyone and everything
going on around the atoll, and if you ever needed to know anything about former
residents, places, or happenings over the last 20 or so years, she would be one
I would suggest asking. That being said,
I knew who she was, and we usually said hello to each other in passing, but as
far as knowing her personally, I would say she is not much more than a casual
acquaintance to me, even now.
We said
hello to each other as we usually did in passing as she traveled past my house,
and surprisingly to me, she stopped to talk and in her casual, yet very
straightforward manner told me how much she admired me for the way I handled
myself and my situation with my ex-husband and children after my divorce (keep
in mind that this was approximately 6-7 years after my divorce-which either
means my divorce was such the talk that it was still sometimes in the forefront
of conversations in that tiny community at that time OR that I made such an
impression on her that she still thinks of it when she sees me-I hope and will
choose to think it is the latter.) The fact that she felt the need to stop and
tell me at such a late juncture in time and was bold enough to do so regardless
of the passage of time meant more to me than she could ever know. Especially knowing that I was far from
perfect in the way I handled everything.
I had many moments when I spoke negatively about my ex to people and in
ways I shouldn’t have or made other missteps.
I never claimed to be without fault.
For the most
part, I turned inward and stayed away from all the people, gatherings, and
places I used to frequent when I was married.
I withdrew from almost everyone, and I lost many long-term friends
because I didn’t fight to keep them harder than my ex did. But I think what hurt the most was that so
many friends stopped talking to me entirely. Whether they simply didn’t know
what to say or were uncomfortable with saying anything at all, I will never
know. I just wanted to know that someone
cared and wasn’t taking sides, and I would have appreciated anyone simply asking
how I was doing and showing support with a smile and being the person they
always were with me before.
Unfortunately,
there were very few people who didn’t treat me differently after that, and I
felt very judged and ostracized, even though I know now that my senses in that
area were probably very heightened during those early years. The bottom line is that for someone I really
didn’t know that well to have watched my divorce play out, being very aware of
both sides of it, and to take the time to stop and say they admired the way I
handled the situation was the only thing I really wanted in the first place: to
be acknowledged for what I was trying to do all along, handle a very difficult
and immensely traumatic and sad personal situation with a little dignity and
grace.
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