October 21, 2010-“The New Mom”

     The past couple of weeks I have been attempting to navigate the new “blended” family my children are now a part of due to the re-marriage of their dad this summer. Honestly, I don’t know how to even start doing this appropriately.  I guess all divorced families go through this in one way or another, but I don’t know how. I need that non-existent instruction manual on this one for sure even with my previous experiences to guide me. You see, my parents divorced when I was about 12, but I just stayed with my mom as I always had, and I went to visit my dad and my step-mom whenever I wanted to see them or they wanted to see me.  Simple as that, no court battles, no custody disputes that dragged out over years and years, and I thank my parents for considering me in that way, for not putting me through that.  My agreement with my ex-husband is full joint custody on a three mile long island where I live in a BQ (at least for the last few years and up until the 20 of November when I will finally be allowed to move into a house here-Yea!), and everyone knows everyone.  I was married for over 10 years, and all of it was on Kwajalein, so all the people who have been here for over 10 years know the details of our lives fairly intimately, good, bad, and ugly. Even more challenging for me is that all the kids who were born and raised here like my kids know me as the boys’ mom and my ex as their dad, period. That’s all they know.

     Since the arrival on island of the boys’ new step-mom, there’s been a whole new community dynamic to deal with. For example, one mom told me her son came home after visiting with my son at his dad’s house and said, “There’s some strange woman there who is not their mom. Who is she?” And the conversation began. This morning I received a call from a parent whose son is invited to my son’s sleep over party. This child was upset upon receiving the invite because he has been told that my son has a “new mom” by other kids at school, and he was concerned with the “new mom” being at the party and not me, the mom he knows. Now this one broke my heart. I reassured the parent I would be at the party, but I would not stay there overnight.
     This is the nature of living in such a small community where everyone knows your name and your history.  My boys have a mom (ME), and I can’t say it doesn’t hurt me to hear kids in the neighborhood describing my kids’ step-mom as their “new mom.” But, all I can do is try to keep my cool and keep being the best mom to my boys as I can in the midst of even the most uncomfortable or heartbreaking of situations.  The hardest thing for me has been to hear about her implementing discipline strategies or planning events with my boys or even directing them how to eat healthier and so forth. These are not bad things. It’s just my job to do them, and I never gave that job up. I may not be married to their dad anymore, but it does not mean I am not my kids’ mom, and that I no longer have the responsibility of being a good parent to them.  In fact, I have continued to stay very involved in their lives since the divorce, and in some ways, even more so, and I don’t plan to change my level of involvement because there’s another parenting figure living with them now.  It’s just all very mind boggling to me...I don’t know where or how to categorize what I’m feeling or how to deal with it. 
      I’ve been reluctant to write much about this in my blog before because it’s so personal to me, but it’s a big part of my life out here right now, and it affects me to the core, so I have to write it out, and maybe I can let go a little more and more forward toward the boys’ new blended family and their step-mom’s role in it with more grace and understanding as the Powers that be would have me to do.  I know I can’t do it alone, so I’ll be praying for extra strength and to ability to see other’s through God’s eyes instead of my own as I walk through this newest phase in my sweet darlings’ lives.