Describe the last time you
were surprised by the intensity of a feeling you had about something, or were
surprised at how strongly you reacted to something you thought wouldn’t be a
big deal.
When I read the e-mail from my ex saying he was moving back overseas and
that our oldest son would be going with him, I thought I was okay. I knew this was a possibility because both my
boys had said their dad was thinking of going back to the island, but once it
really hit me that it was happening and within just a few weeks of the
notification I was given, tears and panic set in. I don’t know why, exactly. One of the reasons we decided to move back
when we did was for my oldest, for the purpose of at least living in the same
country with him and being able to more easily afford to see him throughout the
year, and it had only been 2 years since he left to move back to the states
(and only a year and a ½ for us). Now,
it was all about to change again. It was disheartening to me, to say the least,
even though I knew my son would be happy to go back and that his Kwaj family
would be there for him.
Divorce is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a
family, and nobody ever plans to be divorced when they get married. I knew it
would be difficult, and emotionally, it’s extremely intense, but what I was not
prepared for was the fear, panic, and general, daily anxiety it would bring. For the first few years after the divorce,
there was a lot of that. Our parenting
styles are very different and adjusting to the boys going back and forth was
harder than I ever could have imagined it would be. Honestly, gaining distance
between us and providing each of our boys with the opportunity to live in one
home the majority of the year (verses going back and forth throughout the week
and every other weekend) has been a positive move for everyone. The panic, fear, and anxiety was under
control (as if it never existed and hadn’t for awhile) until I received that
e-mail. It brought it all back, for a
bit. Then, I gave it back to God and
recognized that if this is something my son wanted, and he was happy, safe, and
healthy, I needed to support and accept that and put my own selfish desires
behind me (where they had been before rearing their ugly head again). I let go
of a lot over those initial years after the divorce, and I discovered a way to
find contentment in whatever situation I was presented or put in, but for a
moment, I lost that peace, and I didn’t like it.
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